Demolition Lovers
by deanisgayforcas
Summary: A new girl comes to Belleville, New Jersey, and becomes friends with the boys from My Chemical Romance. She loves two boys, but which one is she really meant to be with: Gerard, or Frank? Or is she better off without either one? HIGH SCHOOL YEARS
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One:

New town, new school, new life, I kept repeating to myself. My mom had been telling me this same phrase for three months now, assuring me this move was a good thing. I was trying to let her words wash over me and have some kind of impact, but they never seemed to sink in. My gut feeling told me this would be my worst year yet, and I was desperately trying to reassure myself differently. I couldn't take any more drama.

I shuddered slightly, remembering my old town, and the school that had been hell for me. I remembered the looks, the whispers, the split lip and black eyes. No. I didn't want to remember. I wanted to file those memories in a drawer, lock them up to where they can't be touched again. They were too painful…

My suitcase was almost done getting unpacked when I heard a familiar song coming from my purse at top volume. My eyes slid closed, listening to the lyrics. _American Dream_ by Silverstein…the one band who got me through all of middle and high school. Well, them and Nirvana. Sometimes I was a tossup.

Peeling myself away from the unpacking and dug into my purse, I extracted my phone. It was a text from a guy back home, Ash Hunter. He was the only person who ever texted me. He thought he knew me, and I tried telling him I was different, but he wouldn't listen to me. He just kept ignoring the rumors and pretending I was a princess. He was too kind, and way too good for me, which is why I deleted his name from my contact list without looking at his text. New town, new school, new life, right? I couldn't be burdened by the past any longer.

Besides, it was summertime, and I had all the time in the world to go exploring my new territory and sneak into clubs to listen to the local bands who probably didn't have a shred of talent, but I would enjoy anyway because it was something to do and music was my life.

I promised my mom I'd finish packing before I went out and did anything stupid, though. She knew she couldn't stop me from doing what I wanted, and disagreeing with everything I believed in had ended in lots of screaming matches with no common ground, so we stopped talking about anything important. She didn't bother to see things my way anymore, and she'd stopped trying to control me. She asked me to be careful, and think about things before I do them, and not to get in trouble, but she never stopped me on my way out the door anymore. Sometimes I wonder if she's just given up, or if she still prays to God every night, sobs catching in her throat, to keep me safe and have me come home so she wouldn't have to be alone.

Truth is, my mom was just as lost as me these days. Things built up inside of her that she wouldn't talk about, and she let all of the fire inside her go out. As much as I'd hated the way she'd yell at me about my clothes and hair and makeup and language and music and all of that, at least she showed she cared. I wasn't sure if I liked his whole giving up on me thing. I liked doing what I wanted, but I still wanted her to care what would happen to me. Would she even flinch if I took a razor to my wrists and ended it all tonight? I honestly didn't know anymore.

One by one, I unloaded my things, my memories. My clothes were placed neatly in their drawers and hung up in my spacious walk in closet. All my books were on their shelf, alphabetized by author. My shoes were lined nicely on the floor of my closet, Converse in all different colors, and my different kinds of boots following them. I unpacked my bag of makeup, and my crates of notebooks, and all my films, records, and cd's I had collected over the years. And underneath all the junk was the one picture I had framed, that had been on my night stand since I was seven; the picture of my dad and me, after the best day of my life.

It was summer, and I was a bored, yet obsessed little kid, who'd just been introduced to Phantom of the Opera. I'd somehow gotten my hands on the book at the used bookstore, and I didn't put it down till the book was completely finished. And then I'd dragged my parents out to find every single movie that had been made from the book, and watched them all day long. The 1925 Lon Chaney version was always my favorite, and I'd watched it a million times that summer. And if I wasn't watching the movie, the soundtrack tot eh play was blasting from my boom box as I, very off key and loudly, pretended I could sing opera like Christine did, and I would act out the songs as if I were the one in the musical, the actress with her name in lights. Because if there was one thing I loved more than music, it was acting. And I'd known from there on out I wanted to grow up and star in films, and do something with an emotion that came from within.

The music and all the Phantom of the Opera talk was getting on my mother's nerves, though, and she'd complain to my father when he came home from work, who'd listen bemusedly and promised he'd do something about it.

He took vacation time off work, and declared a special father/daughter summer trip, the two of us in the Big Apple, where I believed dreams came true. We spent a week there, sightseeing and having so much fun. And then he took me to see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway our last night there. It changed my life forever. The picture was of us outside the theater, me in my dress I couldn't stand, with the biggest grin on my face, underneath the play's billboard sign. I had been in heaven.

The memories of that day always made me smile, and feel a little sadness at the same time. If only all the memories of my dad had been as happy as that one…

I put the picture back on my desk and continued unpacking my stuff. It was 2:30 in the afternoon by the time I finished, and I descended the steps and padded into the kitchen, finding my mom unpacking dishes and other appliances we used.

I cleared my throat. "Hey," I said softly, opening the fridge and extracting a green apple. Green apples were the only kind I liked. The red were too sweet, and those yellow ones were always like mush. But the green ones were wonderful. I bit in, the sour juice running down my chin, and I wiped it away with the back of my hand. "I finished packing," I stated.

She nodded, not looking at me. "Are you going out?"

I felt myself shrug. "Unless you want help unpacking this kitchen stuff."

She paused, midway unwrapping her china, and put it down on the counter. She turned around to face me, mouth open, as if she were going to spill all the secrets hoarded inside of her. Then she shrank into herself, sighing heavily. "No, it's okay. Go out and have fun. Please try and make it back before midnight, okay?"

I smiled softly, tinged with sadness and disappointment. Why couldn't she just talk to me about it? She wasn't in this alone; I was just as hurt and upset and confused as she is. If she would just lay her heart out there and confess to me what she was going through, maybe we could mend this rift between us. I knew that's what she wanted. I wanted it, too.

"Okay," I whispered towards her, sliding my iPod out of my pocket as I walked down my driveway and to the sidewalk, away from my house. I pressed shuffle, and Silverstein came pouring through my headphones, not to my surprise at all. I mused on the lyrics as I walked through the stifling air, pulling my hood up around me.

_Close your eyes to fight the demons, deep within your mind. Satisfied, your worst intentions; I'm your sacrifice. _They always had lyrics I could feel deep within my bones, touching things I wouldn't speak about, but were always there, haunting me. Silverstein songs said what I was always too afraid to admit to myself.

I pushed my walking speed up, ignoring the sweat beginning to trickle down my back. I loved walking. The world around me, with so much dark chaos in it, was such a beautiful planet. The lush trees and wild blooming flowers, the endless stretch of serene blue clouds, the hidden mysteries of the earth in the unforeseen nature. I cherished that stuff. Plus, I just liked the burning feeling in my legs, the tug and pull of muscle and tendon. It was therapeutic.

Before long, I'd reached town, and ducked into a Dunkin Donuts. The apple didn't help my growling stomach, and we still hadn't unpacked our coffee maker, so I was caffeine deprived at the moment. I bought a cappuccino and my favorite kind of doughnut, with the chocolate icing on top and the cream in the middle.

I sat at an empty table near the back of the café and sipped my hot coffee cautiously, so I didn't burn my tongue. Then I took a book out of my purse and settled into the hypnotic lull of prose.

I'd gotten through a few pages when someone stopped at my table. I took a headphone out of my ear and glanced up, meeting a boy with a box of doughnuts in his hand. He wore black low- top Converse, jeans with rips at the knees, and a long sleeved black t-shirt. I smiled at the tattoos I saw on his neck, loving that he wasn't afraid to express himself. I glanced at his face, my breath catching in my throat. He had a silver lip ring and a nose ring, and short black hair. He was wearing eyeliner, and I was sure mascara, around his eyes, a color that I couldn't quite pinpoint. He smirked at me and my heart fluttered a bit.

"You're really a Kings of Leon fan?" he asked me, motioning to the music coming out of my headphones. Without asking, he slid into the seat across from me, placing the large box on the table.

I stared at him for a minute, trying to find my words. "Not really," I finally said, swallowing. "The lead singer's voice is great, but he can't write lyrics for shit. But it's one of my dad's favorite bands, so…"

"Right. Your dad doesn't have very good taste in music," he frowned. His eyes raked over me, lingering on my shirt, a grin on his lips. He had a gorgeous grin. "I see you do, though. I love the Sex Pistols."

I chuckled softly. "Yeah, they're pretty amazing. I used to have a bit of a crush in Sid Vicious."

"Didn't everyone? That dude's fucking hot. And awesome. He had style, even though he was such a hot mess."

I nodded, not knowing what to say back to that comment. Instead, I took another sip of my coffee, which was turning lukewarm. He didn't say anything else, and he didn't leave, so I went back to reading my book.

"What are you reading?" he asked.

I held up the copy for him to read, and he made a face. "Sylvia Plath? Really? How boring."

One of my eyebrows arched up. "Have you ever even read any of her stuff? It's much more fascinating than those comic books you read."

He gave me a weird look, and I bit my lip to keep from laughing. "How did you know I read comics?"

"Just a hunch." I let a laugh out. "But it's cool; I read them, too. I probably have more Superman comics than you've ever seen."

"Well, that's true. I'm a Marvel comics guy."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "Marvel? How do you live with yourself? DC is so much better. The only good comics Marvel produces are X-Men and Hellboy."

"Now you're talking. Those are my favorite."

"I had a feeling."

I smiled at him, and he smiled back. "So you're new here, huh?"

"Yeah. Just moved here from Florida," I said, nodding.

"Bit of a change."

"Just a bit. I've always wanted to live in New York, but my mom doesn't like big cities. This is the closest she'd let me come to my dreams."

"To Jersey?" He laughed; an infectious one that made you laugh because it was so ridiculous. "Oh, that's really living the dream.

"Tell me about it," I murmured. I didn't want to spill my whole life to this guy, but I felt like I could if I wanted. It was easy talking to him, effortless in a way. He had that sort of open face and body language, and a way of speaking that let you know there were absolutely no judgments with him.

"Are you enrolled at Belleville High?"

"Um, yeah."

"Mmm, good luck. It's common knowledge that anything that doesn't look, talk, or walk like a football player or cheerleader gets pounded on. And somehow, you don't look the cheerleader type to me."

"Oh, great. As if life wasn't hell already. Now I have to deal with more stuck up bitches who glare at me weird. Senior year should be fun!"

He did that infectious laugh again, and I grinned at him. "Ah, it's cool. My friends and I will come to your rescue if those bitches give you any trouble. They're all afraid of us."

"Thanks," I whispered.

We sat there for a moment more, staring at each other. Then he smacked his hands down on the table and stood up. "Speaking of my friends," he said, "I'm on a doughnut run for them. They'll kill me for taking so long with their food. Doughnuts are like religion for them."

"Smart friends," I mused.

He laughed again. "Not really." He grabbed his doughnut box off the table and tucked the chair back in. "I'm Frank, by the way." He held out a hand towards me, and I took it, shaking it.

"Roslyn."

"Well, see ya around, Roslyn," he said, turning around and leaving, without a glance back towards me.

I leaned back in my chair, bookmarking my spot and putting my book back in my purse. There was no way I could concentrate of Plath right now.

_Frank_, I thought. It was nice to put a name to that face and attitude. It suited him.

My head fluttered again at the thought of him. There was some kind of mystery to him, something I couldn't' put my finger on. He's one of those guys that reel you in with their charm and good looks and maybe it turns out your conversations flow and you have a lot in common and the chemistry is so denial. Or they just become your best friend for life. But nothing like that ever happened to me. Changes are even though we'd be going to the same high school in the fall, I would never see Frank again.

The thought saddened me for some reason. It has been a long time since I'd had a friend, or really anyone I could talk to. I didn't fit in with any of the girls back home, and I must say I didn't try hard enough to be their friend. It was my fault for pushing them away. But I was right to. As soon as the rumors spread, things started getting pretty nasty for me.

That was then. This is the fresh star my mom had been so eager to submit to. If there was anyone like Frank at Belleville High, anyone who looked at me with eyes that pierced into the depths of my soul, anyone who would understand me for who I was, anyone who didn't shy away, who knew beyond its perfect façade that life was generally cold and unfeeling, then I might actually like it here.

Maybe it was time I started moving on. After all, it _was_ a clean slate. No one here knew about what had happened; they wouldn't go around saying the things the others used to say. I'd been wallowing in my self-pity for too long now, anyway. It all happened four months ago. It was time to forget what happened and move on.

I don't know why I felt I should fit in with Frank. My body still buzzed with the images of meeting him earlier. He was perfect. There was this deep down knowing inside me, gnawing at me, trying to figure out what this meant. I'd liked guys before, no doubt. But I'd never felt that tingling sensation, this mysterious _knowing_, for any guy when I first met him. The second my eyes laid on Frank, it stole my breath away. And not because of his good looks, because that was a definite, but it was something else. He had a _je ne sais quoi _about him.

I never believed in love at first sight, only lust. But could the legends be true? Did some people just know _the one _the second they meet? Anything seemed possible at this point.

I was mulling on that possibility all day, and still dwelling on it when I walked in the door to my new house. I turned the lights off and locked the door and went towards the stairs to my room. I'd just reached the bottom of my staircase when I noticed the light on my mom's bedroom was on. Checking the clock on m cell phone, I realized it was only 10:30. But usually she was asleep by then.

Silently, I crept behind her door and listened, peering in the crack she'd left open. She had a box on her bed, a huge cardboard box, and I knew what was inside of it. It was my dad's thing she had kept, like his soft leather jacket that always smelled like his aftershave. She kept his guitar pick in there, and the notebook full of songs and poems and short stories he used to write in his nearly illegible handwriting. The photo albums he'd made were at the bottom of the box, scrapbooks full of our memories and life together. I didn't think Mom had the courage to look at them.

But here she was, pictures scattered on the bed and a photo album opened. She was pouring over memories, trying to heal the pain. She half smiled as she held open a page, stroked the picture with her forefinger. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what picture she was staring at.

I couldn't do it. The pain in my chest stabbed me every time. I tried to think back on those times. They were gone; he was never coming back. And there wasn't anything I could do to lessen the pain anymore. It just didn't work. I wanted to be strong, numb. I didn't want to let it all get to me. I didn't want to fall into that bottomless sea, drown in its flowing tide. I wouldn't survive the darkness.

A lump rose in my throat, and I moved out of the shadows, up the stairs, and slammed the door behind me, locking it. I grabbed the picture of my dad and me off the nightstand and got under all the covers in my bed, curling into fetal position and hugging the frame to my chest, picture facing away from me. I tried to hold back the tears as best I could, but the sadness was swamping me.

My cheeks were still wet when the morning light began to rise behind my bedroom window.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay, I want to make it clear that I KNOW my time line does not add up. I know they weren't all in high school at the same time, and I know there's an age difference, and that they all didn't go to Belleville High. AND I understand that Bob Bryar wasn't even a figure in their life in the high school years. But I had to write it like this to make it work. Yeah, I've got the whole time line wrong with them, but I think it works better this way. Sooo that's the way it's going to be (:**

**xo, Hailee  
**

The three summer months went by with a blur. That's the terrible thing about routine. It wasn't like my best friends and I were out doing crazy things all day long. I didn't have any amount of friends in Jersey. And just like I'd predicted, I didn't run into Frank again. I spent a fair amount of time outside, though, basking in the sun, lying down in the park, feeling the cool grass prickle into me, closing my eyes, and letting the music course through my body. That was my escape. Home was the place I wanted to be.

My mom and I weren't even speaking anymore. One day when I came home from the park, I'd found her in my room, looking through my stuff, reading things and discovering all my hiding places for things I didn't want her to see. I knew it was childish of me, but I'd thrown a temper tantrum, yelling at her so loud I was sure the neighbors would call the cops and I threw my stuff all around my room, littering the floor with papers and other belongings. I shoved her out of my room, slammed and locked the door, and when she tried to talk to me, I told her to go to hell. I told her I'd never forgive her for what she'd done, and that I hated her. And she left me to myself, as I fell to the ground, curling my knees to my chest, and cried and screamed until I couldn't anymore.

That was about a month and a half ago. And since that day, we didn't talk or look at each other. I avoided her as much as I could, and I thought she was afraid of me. After I'd exhausted myself from crying, picked myself up, and cleaned the mess I'd made, I realized I shouldn't have gotten so angry with her. She was just playing her role as a concerned parent, with very good reason. I was a mess. And I didn't want her to see that. And I snapped, letting my impeccable temper get a hold of me, no matter how many times I told myself to hold my tongue so I wouldn't say something I regretted. And I did regret yelling at her to an extent. She didn't deserve the full extent of my wrath, but she still had no right to invade my privacy that way.

But I was a stubborn person, a trait I'd received from my father. And no matter how much I wanted to, I wouldn't let myself apologize to her and admit that I was in some way wrong to have hurt her like that. So I never said I was sorry, and she never bothered me again. And home had become less than a pleasant place, reminding me just how screwed up things was.

It was always a shock, walking into the house and feeling the oppressive nature to it, because when I was away, the world felt perfect. That's what music did to me. It transported me to a place far, far away from troubles and made me feel whole again. The troubles and tribulations of true life did not hover over me, that dark cloud with its violent thunderstorms that always reminded me of just how deep these horrid things ran. I was a different person when my music hut my ears, electrifying my whole body. I was happy.

But that was about to shatter. Lazy summer days were over, and my first day of senior year was about to start. I didn't sleep, and when my alarm had gone off, I stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling for at least 15 minutes before getting out and getting ready. I took longer than I should have in the shower, procrastinating. Then I straightened my hair, using products on my ends so the choppy razor cut layers would stand out. I changed into my tight black Misfits shirt, black shorts, and patterned tights with my lace up boots. Then I applied my dark makeup, and checked the clock to see how long I had before I needed to leave.

I was walking to school instead of driving or catching the abominable bus. I didn't have a car. My dad said he would buy one for me, but I'd never wanted one. I enjoyed the fresh air, and walking was so much better for the earth. Not that I didn't increase my carbon footprint in other areas, but still. The high school wasn't too far and it was good exercise, even in the stifling air. I just popped the headphones in and power walked.

Pretty much as soon as I reared to the front of the campus, the bell rang. I walked on the crosswalk, passed the first huge brick building marked as 700 to the 800 building a little father down. I sat in the very far right back corner desk, slumped in my seat, and pretended like the rest of the world didn't exist. Some guy teacher called us all up one by one to his desk and gave us our schedules for the day, then we all dispersed towards our first class of the new school year. I just followed the crowd to English, my first class. The teacher was short and tiny, and had an annoyingly bubble personality that I knew was going to grate on my nerves. But she assigned me a seat towards the back of the classroom, so that wasn't bad.

My second class, Economics, was worse. My teacher was some fat, bald guy who was pretending to be young and hip. He was already suspicious of me, and sat me in a seat right next to his desk so he could keep an eye on me. I'd already decided I was going to fail this class, and I at least wanted to do it with dignity, but he all but ripped my headphones out of my ears and kept my iPod sitting on his desk until the bell rang. And then he held me back, lecturing me on his class rules and how I was to follow them. I just rolled my eyes, flicked him off, grabbed my iPod, and left him sputtering, red faced and open mouthed.

Of course he made me late to Physics. The tall lady up front with a pinched, tired face scorned at me, and motioned with a bony finger to the only open seat next to a sleeping boy. I sat down next to him. The teacher followed me, banging on the desk and screeching at the boy in a high pitched, whiny voice. He looked up at her with a glassy, glazed over, sleepy expression and waited for her to stop complaining. When she was finished, and out of ear shot, he mumbled, "Goddamn, someone's bitchy when it's that time of month."

I snorted at his comment, and Bitch Lady turned around sharply. "Something you'd like to share?" She screeched. I just shook my head and glanced at my lap partner, who was murdering me with his light hazel eyes. Then he relaxed back into his chair, took out a notebook, opened up to a crude drawing in pen, and started perfecting it.

With his attention drawn to his sketching, I took it as my chance to give him a once over. He had ink black hair so long it was almost shoulder length. He had red eye shadow smeared around his eyes, and the palest complexion I'd ever seen. If it wasn't so cliché, I'd day he reminded me of a vampire. He was wearing all back, and his nails were bit down to the quick, the black polish severely chipping.

Intriguing. For some reason he reminded me of John Bender, the way he mouthed off and had a sort of bedraggled look that completely suited him. He had that sort of tough guy "outsider" look that could kill people in their steps, but lurking underneath was a guy who really did care what people thought and wanted friends just as bad as the next person. If I didn't think he would slit my throat for laughing at him, I would have introduced myself, and seen for myself what he was all about.

After Physics class, I got lost, and spent ten minutes walking around campus searching for the band room. When I reached my guitar class, the teacher barely looked at me as I walked in. He told the class the first week of school was a pass, and to sit around talking to each other or do whatever the hell we felt like, because he didn't have the patience to teach us. He was annoyed already, and wanted to get back to his novel about the Kama Sutra. I hoped he was kidding about the novel. But the class seemed fine enough. Easy A, right? Probably the only class I would get a good grade in this year besides Lit class.

When the bell rang, it was a lunch period. I had 45 minutes to sit somewhere and pretend like I was having a good day, while listening to The Misfits on my iPod. I grabbed my notebook from the floor next to me and exited the band room, accidentally hitting someone with the door on my way out.

A tall guy in a black t-shit and skinny jeans, with awkward hair and glasses looked back at me. He was standing next to Vampire Guy from Physics class, who was leaning nonchalantly against the brick wall, smoking a cigarette like there was no tomorrow. He ignored me. I uttered my apologies and headed to the front of the school steps to sit there and write, or do whatever to waste time till Latin. When I looked back over my shoulder, the tall guy looked irritated, chastising Vampire Guy about something, who just lit another cigarette and flicked the other guy off. Lovers' quarrel, maybe?

It didn't really matter. It wasn't like I would ever be friends with them, anyway.

The rest of school's not really worth mentioning. Latin class was a bore. My only reason for taking it was so I could be able to pronounce the words right when I used the incantations for supernatural purposes. But the teacher didn't look like she knew how to speak Latin anymore than we did, so asking her about the Ritutale Romanum would probably be a bust.

Pre-Calc was abominable. The teacher was a bitch from the start. I know we're not going to get along any better than me and my Economics teacher were. Already she'd called me an emo freak and acted as if I were catching. Funny, because I thought her inherent judgmental attitude was the problem, not mine. Me, a judgmental, devil worshipping sinner? Only if you piss me off, which I'm sure she'd try to do every day. It probably didn't help that math was my worst subject, too. I probably wouldn't pass. She'd attribute it to me creating hex bags and Voo Doo dolls.

On my way out the door, a girl sidled up to me. She had long wavy black hair and dark blue eyes, and a nose ring. She sort of reminded me of a darker Miley Cyrus. "Don't let that bitch get you down. She thinks all of us summon demons in our spare time. I'm Alicia." She held out a hand for me to shake.

"I'm Roslyn."

"Pretty name." She dug in her back handbag covered with pins and handed me a neon orange flier. "Party at my house tonight. You should stop by."

"Sure, I'd love to," I stated.

"Cool. See you there."

She left, and I walked home slowly, brain processing the day's information. So far, I'd been intrigued by two guys, unique in their own way. Thinking of Frank still made me blush. And I hope I get to meet him again. He seemed fascinating. But right now, I can't stop thinking about Vampire Guy! It's so weird. I don't even know his name, but instinctively I knew there were so many interesting things about him. I don't even know why. He made it pretty clear he didn't give a crap about me or anything else in this world most likely. But maybe that's why I wanted to know more about him. Maybe I wanted to see what kind of person he was under his devil may care demeanor. And it would be nice to call him something other than Vampire Guy. I couldn't pinpoint a name, though. But if his name was Edward, I was shooting myself.

When I finally got home, I relaxed a little. My mom was at work, so I didn't have to bear the awkward tension. If I was lucky, I wouldn't have to see her at all today. If I wanted to, I could be out of the house and going to Alicia's party before she even left for work. And then I'd get home after she was asleep, so she wouldn't disturb my peace. I hated that I had to plan my schedule around her, but that's how it was happening right now.

I tried to focus on homework. Seriously. I filled out the information sheets for all of my classes, and then got bored and quit. Then my mind kept wandering towards Frank and Vampire Guy, so I turned on the TV, tried to focus on some stupid sitcom. The guys were old and ugly, and they weren't funny, but it was a pretty successful distraction.

But the show ended, and it was getting late. I got off my bed and headed to my dresser, staring at myself in the mirror. My makeup was a little smeared, so I fixed it. And my nail polish was seriously chipping, so I removed it and re-painted them black. Then I took a deep breath, headed down the stairs and out of the house.

I'd done enough searching my town this summer to know exactly where Alicia's neighborhood was. Her flyer had said the party started an hour earlier, so I figured by the time I got there things would be less boring.

I made it there in 30. The door was open a crack, so I just widened it more and entered, looking around that the scene before me. Loud scream music from some band that sounded familiar was radiating through the entire house. She had a whole bar in the kitchen through the entryway, fully stocked with all kinds of drinks, accompanied by shot glasses and red plastic cups. People were congregated on the counters, or making out on the couch in the living room. The whole floor was an open space, and people were gyrating to the music, or shouting on each other's ears in corners. I was sure there were people occupying the stairway, and making god use of the open bedrooms. Standard high school party.

Alicia left the guy she was talking to and headed over my way. "Hey!" she yelled over the music. "You made it!"

"Yeah. I said I would come."

"Well, come in and have fun! You want something to drink?" She escorted me to the bar, taking a plastic cup off the top of the stack and held it under a nozzle, then handed it out to me. I accepted it, looking at the contents: beer. Figures. I didn't really like beer, but it would be rude not to accept it, or drink a little bit.

Once I got settled in, Alicia left me to go talk with her other party guests. A couple people came my way and introduced themselves, recognizing I was new. But otherwise, most people left me alone. I just leaned against the kitchen counter, sipping my tear every once in a while and reminded myself why I don't like it, and decided to people watch instead.

People watching was always fun for me. I got to create a whole story on someone based on what they looked like, their body movements, and all of that. My dad and I had always done that when we were out somewhere and bored. That's what made things fun. Except he always created the most farfetched lives for the people; stories that could never be true. He did it just to see me laugh. My chest throbbed thinking about my dad, but I pushed it out of my mind and scanned the room for someone to profile.

My eyes lingered on a couple fighting. He was sitting on the couch, blank expression on his face, waiting for his girlfriend's tirade to be over. She was yelling at him, using garish hand motions and swaying on her feet. She was drunk, and probably slurring a long slew of curse words at him. The girl a few feet away, with her chest about to pop out of her too tight shirt was watching watching the couple, too, smirking at them evilly. Ah, so she was the culprit. Boyfriend probably cheated on Drunk Girl with Slut, and she found out. That would probably be entertaining if I could hear what they were saying.

"The Misfits, huh?" a voice said behind me. I jumped a little in surprise, but then smirked a bit when I recognized the voice. I turned around to face Frank.

"What's wrong with The Misfits?"

"Nothing. I'm applauding you. They're a great band."

"Good. Because if you say anything bad about them, I'll have to hurt you."

"You can't hurt me."

"Can't I?" I laughed, smirking, leaving him sputtering for a response.

"Is this an attack on my height?" He sounded so defensive that it made me laugh even harder. I guess he hated being short.

"Maybe. How tall are you, anyway?" I took a sip of my beer and winced. God, I really had to stop doing that. The drink was like party poison.

"So, how did your first day at Belleville High go?" he asked me, changing the subject about him being vertically challenged.

"Oh, wonderful!" I told him, letting the sarcasm flow thick. "Pretty much all my teachers hate me and my Physics lab partner almost killed me for laughing at him."

His infectious laugh filled my eardrums. "Harsh. Well, you look lonely standing here alone. Come on, I'll introduce you to my crazy group of friends."

He grabbed my hand, and I let him lead me away from the kitchen and living room area to a whole other room, closed off from the rest of the house. There were only a handful f people in there, and they had their own party going, with different music and a whole different vibe from the rest of the house. He took me to a circle of guys sitting on the floor with beers, shot glasses, cigarettes, and drug paraphernalia sitting in the middle. When they saw Frank and I, they scooted over to make room for us to fit.

I sat cross legged and kept my eyes down at the stuff in the middle. I was dying for a shot of tequila, but I didn't say anything.

"Yo, listen up!" Frank addressed the circle. "This is Roslyn, everyone. She's new here, and a cool chick, so be nice."

There was a chorus of "hi's" and then, "Hey, it's you! You're the girl who can't mind her own business!"

I looked up to see who was talking to me, and rolled my eyes. "Ah, Vampire Guy."

He laughed for a good few moments, then took a shot of tequila he had in his hand. "_Vampire Guy?_ I like that! How'd you know I liked vampires?" He gasped. "Guys, I should buy those clip on fang things and wear them. Right?" He poured himself another shot and downed it. "The name's Gerard Way. The one you hit with the door earlier is my little brother, Mikey." He held out his hand and I shook it, and waved at Mikey, who was fiddling around with an empty cigarette box.

"Sorry for hitting you," I told him apologetically.

"It's fine."

Frank cleared his throat. "So, how that you and the Way Brothers know each other…the guy with the afro is Ray Tori, and the girl he's making out with is his girlfriend Christa. The guy with the drum sticks is Bob, and I believe I've already introduced myself to you. I'm Frank Iero, crap singer, writer, and guitarist with a shitload of tattoos, a smoking addiction, and a height of five feet, four inches. Don't you care make fun of me!"

I laughed at his mock stern expression. "Fun."

"Yeah. This is pretty much my group of friends, minus Mikey's girl, Alicia. She's out partying with her guests. Well, I practically told you my life story. Tell me yours."

"Uh, okay. I'm Roslyn Monroe," I told the circle. "I'm a writer and aspiring actress. Can't play an instrument to save my life, but I'm an okay singer. My mom and I don't get along, and…I'm 5'2". Oh, and I like tequila."

"No way!" Gerard exploded. "So do I! Tequila's so fun, is it not! You've gotta do shots with me, Roslyn! It'll be so much fun! We'll party all night!" He was so serious and enthusiastic that I had to clamp my lips together to keep from laughing.

"Uh, I think you've had enough shots for tonight, dude."

He looked at me blankly for a second, as if confused by my words, and then heavily shook his head. He was such an energetic, amusing drunk…quite the opposite of him in real life. I loved it. "No!" he slurred at me. "Just a couple more! Pleaseee?" he begged.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine."

He cheered, and poured us shots of tequila, which I gratefully took. The liquid burned down my throat, but it was a good burn. I enjoyed the feeling.

Beside me, Frank took a cig out of a carton in the middle of the circle and lit it with a black Zippo. He took a long drag, and then leaned back on his forearms, with a bemused expression on his face, his eyes travelling all of Gerard's movements.

We spent a few more minutes, Gerard talking loudly and drunkenly and making Frank and I laughed. I liked the sound. It was harmonious.

But then _Time is Running Out _by Muse started playing, and Gerard freaked out, jumping up from his sitting place and bouncing up and down. "I fucking love this song! Roslyn, come dance with me! Show me your moves, new girl!" He grabbed my arm and pulled me up with incredible force, dragging me out to a dancing spot.

I looked back at Frank with an apology in my eyes, and he smiled and nodded, as if this happened all the time. He just took another drag from his dwindling cig and watched us stalk away.

I watched the sun ruse beyond the horizon, blood and music pumping through my veins, sweat slick, and dancing in Gerard's arms. We partied all night.


	3. Chapter 3

**All right, I got chapter three out now! I like it...I didn't include Bob in this chapter, although I mentioned him in the previous chapter. He doesn't go to the same school as them in my book. Lol and I know I totally got all of their ages wrong and everything about this is screwed up...but like I said before, I don't care. I like having molded it my way so it works as them forming the band and being close in high school and growing up together and shit. Yeah...I kind of like this chapter. (: I hope you guys do, too. Hopefully I'll have the fourth chapter out soon. We'll see.**

**xo, Hailee  
**

Chapter Three:

There wasn't much sleep to be got last night. The sunset was rising when I finally snitched open my door and walked quietly up to my room. I attempted to sleep for a couple hours, without such luck, until my alarm went off.

I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. I hadn't really slept off the buzz, and my mouth tasted like stale beer. My hair stuck to the back of my neck and reeked of cigarette smoke. I peeled my sweat soaked clothes off and let the hot water of my shower rejuvenate me. Then I got ready as fast as I could while searching for my iPod, which I couldn't find for the life of me. I'd left it in my room when I went to the party…

Oh, well. I was too tired, and running late, to really look for it now. I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and the pill bottle from the medicine cabinet. I wasn't feeling especially bad right now, but I hadn't done that many tequila shots in a while. Last night had been good, even though my muscles were bitching at me for dancing the night away. Gerard kept me dancing longer than I'd expected. He was a good dancer.

Stashing my contraband in my bag, I exited my house as soon as a white Trans Am pulled into my driveway. I squinted to see the driver, who killed the engine and got out of the car. Frank walked towards me, a grin on his face. I tried hard not to grin, too. His chivalrous gesture was just…too cute.

I hitched the strap of my bag up higher on my shoulder. "What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Well, I figured it wasn't safe for you to be walking alone after the night you had. Frank Iero's chauffeuring at your service."

I giggled some as he bowed. He really couldn't get more adorable. He'd probably hate the fact I was calling him "cute" and "adorable". He'd blame it on his height, saying if he was Mikey's height I'd be calling him hot. He was just wearing a simple black t shirt and jeans, but, okay, I'd give him hot…in a sweet way.

"Thank you," I told him as he opened the passenger's side door for me and cranked on the engine, Black Flag softly playing on the stereo. He backed out of the driveway and headed towards school.

When we hit a stop sign, he picked up the cigarette pack from the consul and shook one out into his palm. 'You mind?" he asked. I shook my head, and he lit up, taking a deep drag. Those things were like oxygen to him. He was so addicted.

"So," he started, "What did you think of our group last night?"

"Hard to tell. I didn't really get to know them all that well, besides you and Gerard." I remembered laughing with both of them, sitting in a circle, Gerard's enthusiasm tenfold with his drunken muse.

Frank remembered too, because he smiled. "Yeah. You and Gerard really hit it off. He doesn't usually take to new people very well. I think you won him over when you called him Vampire Guy."

"Was I wrong, though?" I defended.

"No, definitely not wrong. Mikey and I have been calling him a vampire since 5th grade."

"Wow, you guys have known each other a long time."

"Yeah, our whole group has. There are no secrets between us. We know all the dirt on everyone; we've been there for each other through everything. Sound gay and cliché, I know, but the guys have saved my life on many occasions."

"That's not gay at all," I commented. "A lot of people would kill to have kind of friendship like that. You all are very lucky."

He smirked, and pulled into the school's front gates. He found a parking space, then shut off the engine and turned to me. "Well, our group is your group, too. You definitely fit in with all of us crazy people. And since Gerard's taken such a strong liking to you so fast, you pretty much passed our test with flying colors."

"No, I…I can't invade your group," I protested.

He raised an eyebrow and took a short puff of his cig. "Sure you can. 'Licia and Christa hang out with us all the time. And trust me, they're a lot less enjoyable to be around then you are. They're like…girls. And you're like a dude in a girl's body. You get us, you know? You're interested in the same things we are."

"So I'm basically one of the guys, huh?" I grinned, and he flushed crimson.

"Except a girl…"

The bell rang, and I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of Frank's car. He did the same, squashing his cigarette under his heel. "See you later, Frank," I told him.

And then I thought about our conversation for the next two periods. I went over Frank's words in my mind, trying to figure out his little cryptic remarks. Clearly, he and his friends had been through some bad shit in their lives. That could explain why they're so tight knit. I was still trying to figure out what he meant by them "saving his life." Just him doing stupid stuff, or did it go deeper than that? And what was the part about Gerard not taking well to new people? Maybe some of their secrets were as dark as mine.

But I guess I was a part of their group now, apparently "one of the guys." That was funny to me. A few years ago, if you'd asked me would I ever be friends with a bunch of guys, read comic books, and listen to the kind of rock music that I did, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. But strangely, now it seemed comfortable. There was no drama or gossip or tears with guys. They were laid back. They weren't turned off by disturbing habits. And my mind was probably dirtier than half of theirs combined, as well as a master drinker. Well, Gerard surpassed my abilities, but I was pretty good at what I do. Frank was right; I did fit in with their little group. And it was terrifying to admit that.

Obviously, I'd made peace with the fact I'd be a loner for the rest of my life. And when my mom moved us here, I didn't really buy the whole "fresh start" thing, even as I yearned deeply for it. And then it all turned around so quickly. I met Frank, and he introduced me to his friends, who accepted me because they knew what it was like to be an outcast. I mean, hell, it's only the second day of senior year! How did I manage to find life altering friends in such a short amount of time? I guess my guardian angels had finally decided to do their job and make up for all the dark spots they'd cast upon me in the past.

By the time I reached Physics class, last night's partying was beginning to get to me. I could feel the beginning of a massive headache coming on, but was grateful I'd brought the painkillers with me. I practically fell in my seat next to Gerard, who looked worse off than I did. He was lying on the desk, his skin sallow and his eyes closed. I smiled softly, then took the water bottle and pills out of my bag.

"Here," I said, shoving them in front of him. With a groan, he stirred a bit, and opened one eyes to glare at me. But he bolted upright when he saw the pills. He shook four out and chugged the water down greedily. He turned sheepishly toward me when he drank the whole bottle. "Better?" I asked.

"You're a life saver, Ros," he told me breathlessly.

"Glad I could help," I told him.

"Sorry I drank the whole thing," he apologized.

"Ah, don't be sorry. You needed it more than I did. God, I thought I drank a lot, but you were drowning that tequila bottle last night."

A boyish, dreamy grin spread across his face. "Yeah, that was fun. We should do that again soon. You're kind of funny when you're drunk."

"Oh, _I'm _the funny one? Okay, I'm not the guy who dressed up like a girl last night."

"…Neither am I," he denied, another huge grin on his face.

The the teacher came in and gave us a sneer while walking up to the podium. I really don't remember anything she said. Honestly, her voice was so high pitched and annoying I just tried tuning it out. And then Gerard kept passing me notes making fun of her, calling her Bird Woman and drawing sketches of her, with her speaking in a bubble near her head. It took everything I had not to bust out laughing and get us in trouble. The one class I thought I was going to hate became the most enjoyable part of my day, all thanks to Gerard.

He was really funny, and actually a great artist. I wondered why he hid behind himself so well, took all these measures to turn people off. It just made him even more of a wonderful person. I could just assume he was afraid to let the world in and see what kind of person he was.

When the bell rang for the next class, Gerard turned to me again. "Are you hanging with our group now? We could really use someone like you in the group."

"Sure," I said. "I mean, if it's okay with everyone."

"They'll love you, Roslyn. Mikey and I will meet you outside of the band room for lunch, okay? Try not to murder him with the door again."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'll just make sure to hit you instead."

"Well, you can't murder me. I'm Vampire Guy, remember?"

"But you can still feel pain."

"If you like your throat ripped out."

"That sounds kinky, Mr. Way."

He scowled. "Vampires are not sex symbols!" He yelled, and burst out the door, tripping on the threshold. I think I laughed my ass off all the way to Guitar.

When it was time for lunch, I opened the door cautiously so I didn't hit Mikey again. I still felt pretty bad about that, even though he said it was fine. Gerard and Mikey greeted me, and we walked out to Frank's car. We stood waiting for Ray to say goodbye to his girlfriend and join us. When he came over, Mikey got in the front seat because he was taller and I was scrunched between Gerard and Ray in the back.

For the number of us in the car, it was a relatively quiet drive. Frank told me we were going to their favorite hangout, which happened to be an abandoned house that had been graffitied to death. They pretty much took out their cigarette packs and smoked as we once against sat around in a circle. It seemed like I was the only one who didn't have a nicotine addiction, and I felt left out being the only one not smoking, so when Ray offered me a cigarette and his lighter, I took them. I'd never smoked before, and people always said you had to hold the smoke in, or you were just wasting it. I took a tiny hit and waited for the nicotine to fill my lungs before exhaling the smoke. It wasn't as disgusting as I thought it would be.

"So," Gerard started, "Roslyn threatened to torture me in Physics class today."

"Um, you threatened to rip my throat out," I counteracted.

"You called it kinky."

"It is."

"No, it's not! There's nothing fun and sexy about vampires! They are soulless, blood drinking demons with fangs that protrude over their lips and smell of death. This is Dracula, not Twilight."

"But Dracula seduced women, too," I argued. "He managed to hypnotize both Lucy and Mena. And he had those vampire sluts living in his castle who tried to turn Jonathan."

"That was using mind control. He wasn't some suave guy in a black cape who spoke with a Transylvanian accent."

"No, I know. And I know Dracula wasn't attractive, but he had a sense of evil charm, did he not?"

Gerard looked at me like I was crazy. "No! Hun, think more 'Salem's Lot than that Cullen crap. Vampires don't sparkle in the sun! I mean, really, who does the author think those vamps are; David Bowie?"

"Nah, David Bowie's too cool for them. The sparkling thing is ridiculous; I'm not disputing that. And those vampires don't have fangs, which is weird. But she does a nice job in the succubus theory."

"Oh, is that why that Bella chick loved him? I thought it was because he acted like a movie star and drove some fancy car and had lots of money."

"His car wasn't fancy. He just drove a Volvo S60R."

Everyone stared at me in shock. "What?" I complained, shrugging. "I used to be a Twilight fan back in the day. I admit it. But I have seen the error of my ways."

"Who _is_ this girl?" Gerard gasped. "She's like…challenging me. It's creepy."

"You're just upset because I know as much about the subject as you."

He scoffed and threw his cigarette butt at me. I squealed and moved away, and it hit Mikey, who attacked him, and started a mosh of them wrestling on the ground. I watched as Frank got dragged in as well.

Ray came and sat beside me. "Gerard sure was quick to warm up to you," he said, a hint of something (maybe suspicion?) in his voice.

I cleared my throat and nodded. "Yeah, Frank told me that was unusual."

"It is." I heard him suck on his cig and blow the smoke out. "As someone who's known Gee since we were little, it takes a lot for him to open up to people. Took him two years to warm up to Bob. And then you walk in, and already he's discussing his favorite subject with you. That's rare."

I wanted to ask why he was that guarded, and why it was rare, but I bit my lip and just nodded as Ray's eyes linked and searched mine. "You seem like a great girl. Just be careful, okay?"

His words made me swallow. Why should I have to be careful? And for whose sake, mine or Gerard's? I didn't know it he meant getting close to Gerard had its risks, or he was afraid I was going to hurt Gerard. But whatever he meant, I could hear the sincerity in his voice, and the warning behind it. Even though I was confused, I nodded to him.

"Good," Ray said, taking another drag, and then putting it out. "Guys!" He yelled. "Take a break from your threesome till after school. We gotta go before we're late for class."

The guys groaned and cursed Ray for ruining their wrestling match. It made me laugh. I mean, they were such…_guys_. I wasn't used to that.

But we did end up making it back to school with a couple of minutes to spare. "Hey, Roslyn," Frank said, "How are those dancing muscles?"

I groaned. "Killing me. I haven't danced that much in a hell of a long time. Thanks to _someone_," I said, glaring at Gerard, who had on his "Who, me?" face. I punched him lightly in the chest and he laughed at me.

"Don't blame me, blame the tequila your drank."

"The shots _you _poured me?"

"You didn't have to drink them."

"Please Roslyn, just do a couple shots with me, it'll be fun! You have to!" I mocked him. He just laughed and shook his head.

"Well," Frank interjected, not looking too happy that Gerard had found his way into our conversation, "If you want, I'll give you a ride home. Your house is on the way to mine, so it's no trouble at all."

I bit my lip to keep myself from grinning like that stupid Cheshire Cat. "Okay. Thanks, Frank. You're too sweet." I leaned in and have him a kiss on his cheek, which was cold from the windy air. He flushed bright red, and all the guys laughed at him.

"So, I'll uh…" He raked a hand through his short black hair and cleared his throat. "I'll meet you at my car?"

I nodded. "Okay." Then we all disbanded in different directions to our next classes.

The end of the school day couldn't come fast enough. I was anticipating it through the rest of my classes. I was chewing on my nails and messing with my hair and my leg kept bouncing incessantly from the nerves. It was just a ride home…alone…with Frank. Nothing to be nervous about; I was just _alone _with a _really hot guy_ who invited me to be in his group of friends without hardly knowing me. Nope, I was totally cool with that.

When the bell finally rang and my teacher released us, it took everything I had not to shoot up out of my desk like a bullet and run to Frank's Trans Am. Instead, I closed my eyes, took deep breaths, and calmly walked at a steady pace to his car.

He was waiting for me when I got there. He opened the door for me like he'd done that morning and we drove off the premises. We didn't talk much on the way to my house, which in itself wasn't a very long drive. But when he reached my driveway, he parked the car and turned off the engine.

"So you live near here then?" I asked, remembering him saying my house was on the way to his.

He laughed for a few seconds. "Yeah, I actually live two houses down from you."

I gaped at him. "What? Seriously?" He nodded. "When did you figure this out?"

"The day I met you," he said plainly. I must have looked as shell shocked as I felt, because he was laughing again. "I was driving home after hanging out with the guys and I saw you walking and recognized you from earlier. I watched you go in your house."

I was sort of at a loss for words at this point. This was just too weird. I spent the whole fucking summer thinking of this guy and how I wished I would talk to him again but knew that another chance meet was rare.

"You knew where I lived all summer and you didn't say anything to me?" I asked.

"I was having fun stalking you."

"What?"

He laughed so hard he was making me laugh. But I didn't know what was so funny about that. He'd been watching me for months while I was mentally stalking him. Oh, I guess I just proved his point.

"I wanted to find out more about you. Like I said, you had to pass the test to hang with us. And I wanted subject matter so I'd know what to say next time I ran into you, instead of being tongue tied by how gorgeous you were." I blushed when he called me gorgeous. "So I stalked you, yes, but for a good cause. And now you probably think I'm some random creep and never want to speak to me again."

"No," I protested. "It…okay, it's kind of creepy, but I see where you're coming from."

"So we're still speaking?"

I chuckled softly. "Yeah, you reeled me in, I can't go back now."

I glanced at my phone to check the time, and then looked up at my house, deciding something. "Listen, do you wanna come in? My mom won't be home from work till later, so we'll have some time to ourselves."

"Really?" he asked. "I tell you I'm stalking you and you invite me into your house?"

I shrug. "I've always been adventurous. Plus, you owe me intelligent conversations for the subject matter you gained on me."

"Ah, you just want to know what I've figured out about you."

"There's that," I nodded. "And there's the fact I just want to spend time with you."

Our eyes locked for a few moments, and his facial expression softened. "Okay," he said, taking his eyes out of the ignition. We got out of his car and he held an arm out. "Lead the way."


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi! I would have had this chapter out sooner, but I got grounded and couldn't update. But I guess it was a blessing in disguise, since it helped me write more of the story. Anyway, just as a side note, the story does take place in sort of present time. It's August 2010 for them, so a few months in the past. Just thought I should put that one out there! I guess you'd say this chapter is sort of a filler, or whatever, but it helps you understand my character Roslyn a little more, and alludes to many more secrets that will come out in future chapters. Also, I feel like I should add that this story is rated Mature, but it might be a while before my chapters reflect that. There's a certain chain of events that have to happen in order for it to get there. Anyways, enjoy the chapters! Reviews are always appreciated.**

**xo, Hailee  
**

Chapter Four:

Frank and I walked into my house and put our stuff down on my kitchen counter; I had my school stuff and he had his car keys and a cigarette pack. We sort of stood there awkwardly, till he cleared his throat.

"Your house looks exactly like mine," he commented, breaking the tension nicely.

"Oh. Fascinating," I quipped. I started to walk up the stairs, and I could hear Frank's footfalls behind me. I opened the door to my room and turned on the light, then entered and sat on my bed. Frank lingered at the doorframe. His eyes moved around the room, taking everything in.

He whistled. "Wow. You've got a _lot_ of posters on your wall."

"Yeah, I know. But it's comforting."

He walked around the room, fingering the posters. "Phantom of the Opera, Avenue Q, Breakfast Club, Rancid, Papa Roach, Madina Lake, The Misfits, Avenged Sevenfold, As I Lay Dying…these are great, Roslyn."

"Thanks. My dad got them for me. I think he liked them as much as I did sometimes."

"Your dad who listens to Kings of Leon?"

"He likes British music. He grew up there, so he's fond of any British band trying to make it in the US."

"That's awesome. Where in England did your dad come from?"

"Manchester."

"That's wicked. I've always wanted to travel there someday if I ever get the chance. I heard it's really beautiful."

Frank sat down on the bed across from me, facing me so it was easier to have a conversation with him. "It is."

"So, um, at the risk of getting personal," he started, "While I was stalking you, I noticed it was just you and your mom here. Is that why you moved here? Because your parents got divorced? I'm only asking because my parents are divorced and I live with my mom. And you always speak so highly of your dad, so you get along with him, like I do with mine."

I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat and fought with myself not to cry about my father. I didn't like to talk about him. He wasn't a safe subject for me. But I knew I could trust Frank already. I knew he wasn't going to think anything bad about me.

With a sigh, I divulged to him. "Um, no. My mom and I moved here because Florida held too many painful memories. My dad's not around because he…he died a few months ago."

Frank turned pale. "Oh, shit, Roslyn, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hash that stuff. Forget I asked."

"It's okay. I have to admit it sometime."

"Still, I should probably change the subject to something else. We should play 20 questions. Except I get to ask all the questions."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Okay, but only if you answer your questions, too. It's only fair since you stalked me all summer."

Frank laughed. I was totally beginning to love the sound of that laugh. It was completely infectious. And strange. And entertaining. "Deal."

I changed my position on my bed from sitting cross-legged to lying down. Then I pulled at Frank's hand till he was lying next to me on the bed. I didn't release his hand, and he didn't pull away.

"Okay, first question," Frank mused. "Hmm, who's your favorite author?"

"Sylvia Plath, obviously. I've read everything she's written. What about you?"

"That guy who writes the _Maxim Ride_ books. Those books kickass."

"Not much of a reader, huh?"

"I thought we went over this. I like comics."

"Of course. Excuse my ignorance."

He poked my side and I jerked away from him. Frank took notice.

"Are you ticklish, Roslyn?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. Declaring to him I was, and hated it, would yield in nothing but him tickling me. If I told him I wasn't, he wouldn't believe me, and he'd tickle me anyway. "Maybe," I told him.

"You'd kill me if I tried, wouldn't you?"

"Absolutely."

Just for good measure, he tried to poke me again, and I shifted out of his reach. I _hated_ being tickled. There was nothing fun about it.

"For the record, I'm ticklish, too," Frank told me. "That way when I do tickle you, we're even."

I shook my head. I really liked this, being here, with Frank. I don't care if I barely knew him. That was the point of this. I'd seen glimpses and moments where I saw him really show his personality. But one on one is intimate. It's the best way to really get to know someone. No strings, no pressure. Calm and collected and relaxing. It's a safe place.

"Got any more questions for me?" I asked.

"If you could have any superpower, what would it be?" he responded.

I rolled my eyes. "Such a cliché question. I'd want the power of invisibility at will. It's what I'd feel most comfortable as."

"I would love the ability to stop tome. You know, be able to pause, rewind, fast forward. Keep the memories alive."

"Is that why you have so many tattoos?" I asked. "So you can keep all the memories alive?"

Frank twisted toward me, propping his elbow on my pillow and put his hand behind his head. "That's exactly it. Memories are just too important to forget. My tattoos are my scrapbook, a moment in time that means something to me. Each tattoo has its purpose, and a special reason for being in my memory."

"That's actually one of the best reasons for getting tattoos I've ever heard."

Frank laughed again. "Thanks. Glad someone agreed with me. My dad _freaked_ when I got my first tattoo. It was bad."

"Well, probably because with all these, you can't ever get a real desk job or anything like that."

"Yeah, but that was never in my future," he told me. "It's always been music. Both my grandfather and my dad were musicians; it's in my blood. I was in my first punk band when I was 11. I've always known that I'd be up on stage, me and my guitar, and performing. It's never been anything else for me."

"Being a musician is a hard goal to achieve," I murmured. Not that I was any better. Going out to Hollywood in hopes of becoming an actress is all I'd ever wanted to do someday.

"But it's one I'm willing to take. The band I'm in now, Pencey Prep, we've been doing a lot of gigs lately. We're working on getting our shit together so we can get out there and put out records. I'll keep trying till I get what I'm after."

You're much braver than me, then," I commented. "I've always been passionate about acting. But I know I could never go out there and make myself famous."

"Why?" he asked.

"Why?" I repeated back to him.

"Yeah, why? Why not go out there and try to make something of yourself? Why hold yourself back from doing what you love?"

"Because I know I'll never make it. I'm not gonna be good enough for them."

"Bullshit! Roslyn, you're letting them get into your head. You're letting them tell you what you _can_ and _can't_ do. Don't let them influence you like that. You've got to stick to what _you_ believe, go for what _you_ want, believe in _yourself_. It's the only way to make it in this world."

I stared up at my ceiling and bit my lip, processing Frank's words. I knew where he was coming from. But there was no believing in myself anymore. My dad had been the one to encourage everything, to tell me I was good enough, and that I could. We'd made a list of goals and plans together. But those dreams just aren't tangible anymore. They'd died when he got dick. They were buried in that coffin with him.

"I guess so," I told him, knowing I didn't sound one bit sure of his words.

"Subject change?" he asked, knowing I was uncomfortable. I nodded, grateful to him. "Got any hidden tattoos?"

I laughed. "No. But I've always wanted to get one."

"Oh, really? What of?" He sounded so excited and eager, and his eyes lit up at my words.

"It's a quote from a Nirvana song that's been stuck inside my head ever since I was little. 'I'm not like them, but I can pretend.' Those lyrics have pretty much defined me my whole life. They're a part of me now, somehow."

Frank nodded, looking thoughtful. "'I'm not like them, but I can pretend.' I like that. I think you should get it. Where were you thinking of putting it?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, my shoulder blade or something, I guess."

"Cool. You should really get it, though, if it means so much to you. I'll totally come with you for moral support if the needles freak you out."

"Ah, no. I'm good with needles. They don't bother me. They remind me of hospitals and being sick, but they don't bother me. I might take you up on that offer sometime."

"I'd look forward to it," he told me. "So, what's your favorite season?"

"Autumn! I love October, when all the leaves turn orange and crunch under your feet and the air's all chilly and the whole world seems set in place."

"And there's Halloween," he added.

I nodded. "Yes, there's that. It's my favorite holiday."

"Mine, too. Especially since I was born on Halloween."

"No way! Seriously?"

"I kid you not. Seriously."

"That's so creepy. But so cool!" I told him. "I was born the 28th, so I'm not far off. Us Scorpios got to stick together."

"Hell yeah! We'll have a joint party. It'll be fun."

I laughed. Parties, I had a feeling, were always crazy with these guys. But that did sound fun. "But it would have to be a costume party."

"Absolutely! I've already planned out my costume."

"Oh, really? And what is Frank Iero going as this year?"

"The creepy bunny guy from _Donnie Darko_." He grinned like a madman, and I burst out laughing.

"Oh, that's great! I can't wait to see that. But that is fitting. Wasn't his name Frank?"

"It sure was," he agreed. "What about your plans?"

"I don't know. I kinda feel liike tackling the Ziggy Stardust character this year."

"Now _that_," Frank said, pointing at me, "is something I would _love_ to see. As a fellow Bowie fan, that Ziggy Stardust costume would be awesome to see. You should do it. Have Gerard help you with the designs. He's an even bigger Bowie fan than I am. He'd jump all over that shit."

"Sounds like a plan then," I told him.

Frank sighed. "I have a feeling this is going to be a good year," he said.

"Yeah," I murmured. "Me too."

"Of course it will be. There's never a dull moment when you're hanging out with me and the rest of the guys. You should see us playing _Call of Duty._ It's chaos."

"You guys play _Call of Duty_? 20 bucks says I can beat all your asses at that game. I'm an expert player."

"OMG! A _girl_ plays _Call of Duty_?"

I laughed. "Yes. And I'm proud of it, too."

"Bet on, Roslyn." He shook my hand in confirmation. I would beat them all, too. I was pretty confident about that one.

I don't know how long Frank and I laid on my bed, talking. About anything, everything. He was the perfect person to talk to. He was passionate and had an opinion about everything. But he was funny and entertaining and that famous grin with his laugh, which he affectionately calls his pot laugh, went a long way with him.

Because of him being so amazing, I let him on a little secret. "I don't keep many memories of my father. I have a picture of us, his favorite albums, and his guitar. That's it. His other memories are just too hard."

"You were really close with your dad, huh?" Frank asked softly.

"Yeah. He was like my partner in crime, my rock. My mom was always the practical one, complaining I had my head in the clouds. My dad would just laugh, with this twinkle in his eye, and tell her there was nothing wrong with dreamers. He told me I could reach up and touch the clouds if I wanted."

I hope he understood where I was coming from, explaining why I'd given up on everything so easily.

"Why is it easy for you to keep those things of his, but not others?" he asked.

I was silent for a minute, trying to find a good way to answer him. "The day we took the picture was the happiest day of my life. I felt safe and content, and so incredibly glad I got to share it with him. It's a good memory. The music because…because that's what we bonded over. His love for it made me want to be that passionate for it. He brought me to one of the best things in my life. They remind me of him, his spark.

"The guitar's a different story. I don't want to keep it, but I have to. That guitar meant the world to him. When I was eight, he let me name it. And he never complained when I told him her name was Daisy. She was our little secret. Every time I was upset, I used to lock myself in my bedroom. He'd pick my lock, sit down at the foot of my bed, and just play. It made me forget why I was so angry and hurt. It was our special thing.

"My dad…he had cancer. He went through chemo and stuff, but the treatments weren't working for him. When it got close to the end, he pulled me next to him, in his arms, in the hospital bed, and whispered in my ear. He said, 'I know you've been hurting, and feel like the world is out to get you. I wanted to write you one last time before I go, so you'll always have a memory. When you're ready, when you've healed the hurt and the world is no longer your enemy, you read it. Look for it on our special place. It'll be waiting for you.

"After he died, I looked in his guitar case. There was an envelope with my name on it on top of Daisy. I keep it, the guitar in its case with the letter, in my closet, just waiting for when I can open it.

"I keep it because I know I'm not ready to open it yet. But being here, with you, with all your heart and passion, and the guys…you all remind me so much of him. What he believed in. I think, if I spend enough time with you all, I'll get closer to being able to open that latter. I'll get closer to being okay again."

I swallowed, and for the first time since I'd spoken about it, I turned to look at frank. He was staring at me, his lips tight, his eyes on mine, just breathing evenly. Then, slowly, he reached for me hand. I let him take it, knot his fingers through mine.

"Roslyn, why do you cut?" he finally asked.

I started breaking his hold on my hand by sitting up. "What?"

"I know you do it. I watched you this summer, lying in the grass, picking flowers with your headphones in. You always press into the skin on your right forearm. At the party, there was blood on your sleeve. I'm not judging you for it, or accusing you of anything. But does it have to do with your father?"

My jaw clenched and my breathing grew erratic. Cutting was my secret that I didn't want him to know. I didn't like him to know I hurt myself that way. That I was so broken. That I used a razor to make myself feel better, to forget about the past.

"I…I don't want to talk about it," I said slowly, and quietly, lying back down next to Frank. He took my hand again, and with his other hand he placed it on my cuts, or where he knew they were. I flinched, but didn't pull away from him. Instead, I closed my eyes and leaned on his chest, focusing on breathing in and out.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, Roslyn," Frank whispered, his lips brushing against my earlobe. I could feel his hot breath. "I'm here for you when you do. As long as it takes. The offer still stands, no matter what."

I nodded, knowing he could feel my response. "But just so you know," he continued. "The cutting? It's okay. We've all got our reasons. Maybe one day I'll share with you mine."

I wanted to ask what he meant by that, but also didn't want to ruin the moment. Instead, I just curled into him, and he wrapped a strong, protective arm around my waist. It felt good, lying here with him, having him hold me. I almost felt like a whole person. I almost felt read again. I didn't know what was going to happen with me these next few months, but I knew Frank and I were always going to be friends. We had that bond of understanding. And for that, I knew everything would be okay, even when it seemed like it wouldn't.

Our moment was interrupted by keys jangling at the front door. Reluctantly, and with a suppressed groan, I slid out of Frank's safety blanket arms. "You have to go," I whispered towards him, getting out of bed. "My mom's home."

He nodded. "Okay. Do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?"

I thought about it for a few seconds. "No, that's okay. I think I'll walk to school. You're welcome to join me if you want."

He chuckled. "I'll think about it. I'm not one for exercise, but you just might be worth it."

I smiled at him. He raised a hand to my cheek. "You have nice dimples," he commented.

I walked Frank down the steps to the kitchen, where we'd left our stuff earlier. My mom watched us silently, pretending to rifle through the mail. I shouldered my messenger pack and he grabbed his keys off the table, and then I escorted him to the front door.

When we were on the porch, he gave me a hug, then got into his Trans Am. I stayed there, watching him leave, park his car in a driveway two houses away, and walk through his front door. Then I went inside, heading towards the stairs, away from my mother.

She was waiting at the stairwell, standing. She held out Frank's cigarette pack. "Your friend left these," she said quietly, looking down at the red box instead of at me. That was the first time she'd spoken in a long time to me.

"Thanks," I replied, equally as quiet, and took the pack from her hand. She gave a tiny nod, then left me.

I walked up the steps to my bedroom. And from there, I stared at my deep purple walls, tying too make sense of this confusing reality.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

Things were very calm the next two days. I began falling into their routine. We grafittied the walls of the old house with fun phrases and random words we came up with. Gerard swore the house was haunted, so we made our own EMF detector out of his old Walkman and pretended to be ghosthunters. We smoked lots of cigarettes and screamed out lyrics at the top of our lungs. They were beginning to feel like home to me.

Frank and I never mentioned anything we talked about together on Tuesday. Sometimes he would give me a private smile, but he didn't say anything more about that little intimate moment between us. I doubt he even thought it was intimate. He was probably too busy imagining my ugly red scars, feeling their braised, scratchy surface. He probably didn't stay up till four in the morning, smoking with his bedroom window open, wondering if he was attracted to me. Yeah, those pathetic things were reserved just for me.

I liked Frank. I mean, who didn't? He was just great to be around. But did I actually _like_ like him? Or was my mind just spinning because he was the first cute guy to show me a modicum of respect like that and total understanding in a long time? Instead of being repulsed by my habit, he'd reached out. He told me it was okay to make mistakes. He wasn't fooled by my bravado; he saw inside of me. He was the only one in the group that perceptive of me.

Except maybe Mikey. But we didn't talk much about anything besides whether Superman or Batman was the better hero, or if Nietzsche was a good existentialist. He was too quiet for me. I much preferred the company of his brother.

But Gerard was just as screwed as me. Maybe more so. We were too much like. Both of us tested the limits and drowned ourselves in booze so we didn't have to show our true feelings. We were both trying to be people we weren't. I knew where he was coming from. And deep down, it's like he knows me better than anyone. Because he and I have common destructive issues; we are the same person.

That's what poses the issue, though, the whole Frank and Gerard thing. I _should _spend my time with Frank, heading down that tireless journey towards healing. Instead, I find myself wanting to be around Gerard. My defenses break too easily around Frank. I don't like showing I'm anything less than the cool and confident persona I embody. I don't _like_ that he can see straight through that and right into the core of my existence.

So, yeah, it's easier to spend time with Gerard, downing our smokes and liquor and avoiding the scary subjects, even though we know it's there. We _make_ ourselves happy and bubbly and fun. We trick ourselves into being perfect and carefree. Right now, that's the kind of hope I need.

Ugh, enough dark, brooding, mushy talk for now.

While I was scratching lyrics to a Dead and Divine song with my pen on the wall, Gerard came over and sat next to me.

"Saying hello to the ghosts?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes. "This house isn't haunted, Gerard. Our EMF didn't pick up any signals."

"I don't trust that thing. I still think spirits are here. Those fuckers are haunting us all. I can feel them."

"Then why don't we be like the guys from _Ghost Adventures_ and lock ourselves in here all night and video camera what happens?"

Gerard laughed. "Funny. I'm not staying in a haunted house. It'll give me nightmares."

Nightmares aren't so bad. But I knew what he meant. Every time I watched that stupid _Ghost Adventures_ show late at night, I'm stuck in my room with the lights turned on and clutching a blunt object for the rest of the night. That shit is seriously freaky. But I persisted, maybe to taunt him.

"Come on, Gee, it'll be fun! It's a Friday night, it's perfect timing! We could have a party and hang out in true sleepover fashion and just see what the cameras say when we review the footage."

"Guys don't do sleepovers," he responded.

"Yes you do," I retorted. "You just don't call it that. But you all spend every Friday night cooped up in your room watching horror movies. It's time to live the horror flicks and get out of the house."

"I don't want to be in a horror movie. I'm not an actor. Not like you, apparently. You live for action too much."

I raised an eyebrow at the comment. I was an actress, and when I was little, I did actually used to pretend I was the lead female role in all of my favorite movies. But it's not like Gerard knew that. "If I get you drunk, will you do it?"

He narrowed his eyes. I know I wasn't playing fair, but this was fun and exciting. I craved fun and exciting. Live life on the edge; always keep people on their toes. It was my motto. "Fine," he grumbled. "I'll go tell the guys."

He stalked off and I chuckled in a low voice. Then I went back to scrawling lyrics on the paint chipped wall. _Something wicked this way comes. I've been looking for you among horizons. Maybe that's why it took me so long. If I don't beg you to stop, would I become one of them?_

Gerard would like this song. It's about vampires. And not the cheesy kind, either. He'd be pleased with the song, about how depravity tastes, and sinking fangs in, and lost reflections, and all of the good stuff that came attached to vampires.

I scribbled more of the lyrics. _Could I be irresistible to you? Could I be the shine in your spit? Could I be the breath that you don't have? Could I be the reflection that you seem to lack? If it could kill me, would you let it?_

And then the boys came over, raving about my idea, and calling it the non-sleepover sleepover. "I can bring my ancient TV and DVD player in here so we can watch movies," Frank said,

"There's no electricity," I commented.

"Damn. Well, we'll all bring our comic book collections. I know we all have a bunch."

"I can bring beer," Gerard said.

"And tequila!" I added. He knew I didn't like beer.

"I can bring music," Ray said. "My brothers have all their old records at my house. I'll put them on my iPod."

"I'll provide the makeup," I told them.

"MAKEUP?" they all screeched, and I laughed.

"Yes, makeup. I'm doing your makeup and nails. And I'm keeping photo evidence."

"Just don't make us look like girls," Frank said. I'd seen the way both he and Gerard did their makeup, and what they used, so I knew I wouldn't be getting away with blush or lipstick or anything like that.

"Okay, I won't. But I get to paint your nails any color I want."

They groaned, probably cursing the fact I was acting like such a girl. But doing people's makeup was fun. It was experimental. You could do anything."

We all patiently sat through two more classes, and then met up again when the last bell rang and class got out. Frank drove us in his Trans Am so we could gather up our things. Our houses were closer, so he parked in my driveway and walked over to his house with Ray while Mikey and Gerard accompanied me to my bedroom. Mikey spent the time gawking at my comic book stash and Gerard was sitting on my bed, staring at all the things on my wall. I liked having it so cluttered you could barely see the paint underneath the images.

I gathered my makeup and nail polish in a small bag and threw some clothes and other stuff in a larger bag.

I was afraid to leave Gerard in my bedroom without me. Mikey wasn't interested in snooping through anything other than my comics, but Gerard is far too interested in everything else. There's no telling what he would find in the couple minutes I would be gone. Him being a teen with secrets, and also way too much like me for my own good, would probably find my hiding places in the first five seconds I left the room.

"Do you wanna help me find something?" I asked him.

He smirked, just enough for his dimples to appear. "Afraid to leave me alone in your room?"

"Terrified," I admitted, grinning back at him.

He walked out of the room with me and down the hall. "I wouldn't trust me either, if I were you."

I stopped in front of a double set of doors, pulled one door to the side, and grabbed what I needed off the top shelf. Gerard's face paled, even though I was certain he couldn't get any paler. "No!" he said, backing away from me. "No fucking way! We are _not_ doing that shit, Roslyn!"

I rolled my eyes and placed a hand on his forearm. "Gee, it's okay. We're not really going to communicate with spirits. I told you, the place isn't really haunted. And if it is, I'll just protect you. I'll never get them hurt you, I promise."

He stared in my eyes for a few moments, and then relaxed. "Fine," he grumbled. "But I'm not touching that Ouija board."

"Fair enough," I agreed.

"I'm loading up on salt. Where do you keep your stash?"

"Downstairs, cabinet on the left. There are at least five boxes of the stuff."

He sprinted down the steps, and I went back to my room. Mikey was sitting at my desk, flipping through my _Death and Return of Superman_ series. Over 700 pages, like 40 different comic books. Cost me 75 bucks, but it was completely worth it. It was a classic story. They'd even made a movie out of it."

"You really freak my brother out, you know," Mikey told me, still browsing through the pages.

I but my lip and put the Ouija board on the desk. "And why's that?" I asked.

"You're the first person who's ever been on the same level with him about everything. You challenge him to think differently. He's not used to that from anyone but me."

"Is that bad?"

Mikey shut the book with a thud. "I haven't decided yet. I worry about him, what he's doing. If he gets too close to you and things don't end the way he wants them to, then I don't know what will happen."

I thought about that for a minute. "Is that why Ray warned me to stay away from him?"

"Yeah. We all just really worry about him. He's not exactly the most stable guy. He has a few things that keep him grounded, but the drinking's really bad."

Just then Gerard walked in, clutching two full boxes of kosher salt. He told me he wanted to hang on to them, just in case he needed them to repel the nonexistent ghosts we were going to conjure with my Ouija board.

"Yo, Ros!" I heard Frank yell from downstairs. "Are you guys ready yet?"

I slung my messenger pack onto my shoulder and grabbed the Ouija board, and walked down the steps. Frank and Ray laughed their asses off at Gerard clinging to boxes of salt as if his life depended on them. I would have taken a picture if I could, but Gerard threatened to feed me to the bloodthirsty ghosts.

We all piled into the back of the Trans Am and drove towards the end of the neighborhood to the Way household. We all went inside, and Frank yelled from the doorway, "Hi, Momma Way!"

A woman came out to greet us, giving all the guys big hugs. Gerard protested with a loud "Ma!" but she ignored him, and gave him a hug and a kiss on his temple.

Gerard cleared his throat. "Ma, this is Roslyn, the newest addition to our fucked up group."

"Don't use those words, Gerard."

"Sorry, Ma."

I held out my hand towards his mother. "Hi. I'm Roslyn. It's nice to meet you."

"You too! It's so nice to see more girls come around. You must be very special to be included in the group. I know the boys love Christa and Alicia, but they get special treatment. You're one of the guys, huh?"

I laughed. "I guess so."

"Well, welcome! The boys usually spend every Friday night here. We're all family. They call me 'Momma Way.'"

"Momma Way is awesome," Frank chipped in. "She handles all the chaos we come with. And she cooks for us."

"Yes, I do. Well, you all know this house like the back on your hand. Make yourselves comfortable."

"Actually, Ma, we're not staying," Gerard told her. "Roslyn's making us stay at a creepy haunted house all night. We just came to pick up essentials."

Gerard's mom shook her head. "I don't understand you kids sometimes. Well, have fun."

"Thanks, Momma Way," Frank and Ray said in unison. She smiled at them, and left the room.

"Hey, did you get a hold of Bob?" Frank asked Ray.

"No, man, he's in Chicago looking at real estate. I can't believe his parents are moving him away from us."

"I know. But now we've got Roslyn to take his place." Frank loped an arm around my shoulders.

"Oh, thanks. I'm the Bob replacement. Real nice," I said sarcastically.

"No, we like you Roslyn," Frank said.

"You better," I told him, resting my head on his shoulder. He was the perfect headrest for me. He was only a few inches taller than me, so it was right there for me. I liked that he wasn't tall. And it was easy to lay on him. He was comfortable.

Gerard and Mikey had gone to their room to get their stuff, and Frank and Ray were having a conversation about something I wasn't following. I took the opportunity to look around the living room. It was homey, and had a genuine feel to it. Pictures of the family were on the mantle.

"Oh, my God," I said at one of the pictures, two boys just smiling at the camera. "Is that Mikey and Gerard?"

"Yeah. Aren't they adorable?" Frank said.

"Completely!"

"I know, they used to be cute. Now Gerard's a vampire and Mikey's our resident nerd. I don't know what happened to the cuteness."

"Don't let Gerard hear you say that," Ray commented. "He'll punch you in the throat for calling him cute,"

"What's that about?" I asked. "Why does he try so hard to make himself look like that? He could be super cute if he tried. Why go to the trouble to be so anonymous?"

Frank and Ray exchanged a look of something I couldn't decipher. Then Frank shrugged. "You'd have to ask Gerard that yourself."

"Ask me what?" Gerard said from the stairs. He and Mikey flew down the steps and stood in front of us.

I cleared my throat. "It's nothing."

He took inventory of Frank's arm around me and my head on his shoulder. His response was to put a cigarette in his mouth and take out his Zippo lighter. "Uh huh," he said around the cigarette. "All right, are we ready to leave?"

Momma Way poked her head in the room to say goodbye to us. "Not in the house, Gerard," she scolded, referring to the smoking. His cigarette remained unlit.

"I know, Ma. We're leaving."

"Have fun. Kill some ghosts for me."

"Bye. Love you, Ma!"

Something inside of me started to get depressed. Gerard told his mom he loved her. She put up with him and his crazy friends. She embraced them. They got along and had a real mother/son relationship. They had something I'd never have with my mom. Even when we were speaking to each other, it wasn't the way Gerard and his mom spoke to each other. She might not understand him, but she still loved him the same.

It was a crippling thing to watch, knowing it would never be that way between me and my mom. And to know that she didn't even know me, but already accepted me as like her own. Already she was more of a mother to me than my own. It was a horrible feeling. As much as I bitched about her, and as much as she pissed me off, all I kind of wanted is her silent acceptance of who I was. It just sucks to know you've been chasing after something that just doesn't exist.

I was silent while they all chattered on while we walked to Ray's house, which was only diagonal from the Way's. Ray led us up to his room, which he shared with his brothers. I sat down on one of the small beds.

Frank sat down beside me, whispered in my ear. "Are you okay?"

I gave him a fake smile. "Just peachy," I said enthusiastically.

"I see through you, you know," he told me.

"I know you do." There was no point in denying it. He was good at observing people. He knew things about me, things he just guessed without me having to tell him. It was weird that he could do that, but sort of reassuring in a way. I liked knowing at least someone knew the real me, when I was always putting on a show. After all, I am an actress. Pretending is what I do best.

Frank opened up his mouth to say something else, but just then Gerard blew cigarette smoke I our face. "It's not nice to have private conversations," he said bluntly. His face was blank, wiped clean of all emotion. "It's rude."

I didn't know what to say to that. I mean, what was I supposed to say? 'Sorry, next time we'll include you'? Why was he so mad anyway? People are allowed to have private conversations; he does it all the time. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head.

Instead, Ray cleared his throat and said we could leave. Without any more words, we got in the Trans Am and Frank drove towards the abandoned house. Pretty much as soon as we took off, Gerard opened a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka and took cringe inducing sips, not slowing down.

I bit my lip as I watched him, thinking of both Ray's and Mikey's warning about him. They seemed to think it would be better on everyone if I didn't get too close to him. They were afraid of his reckless behavior.

But that's what was fueling my fire. Gerard was just like me. We had an unspoken understanding. M reckless behavior mirrored his, and probably for close to the same reasons. I wanted to reach out _because_ of the way he acted; to heal with him. I wanted to help him, and I guess myself in the process. I didn't want to let go of him. I wanted to join his sorrows, get inside his head, cure the urge for the bottle. Maybe I just wanted to be the one person who could make him whole again.

Without another though, I unbuckled my seatbelt. I was sitting on the far left behind Frank, and Ray was in the middle, even though he was the tallest out of all of us. I leaned over Ray to Gerard in the passenger's seat, and snatched the bottle of Grey Goose out of his hands. Leaning back in my seat, I drank straight from the bottle, downing it the same way Gerard had been minutes ago. I could feel it burn in my throat and warm in my stomach and buzz in my head. Chances were probably both Gerard and I would be drunk before we even reached the house.

Drinking when I'm numb inside was one thing. It was safe. The alcohol made me bubbly, made me want to party all night long. Depressed drinking was a whole other thing. I said things, did stupid things. Tonight would be very interesting. Things were never good when I drank in a sad mood. And something tells me it wasn't good for Gerard, either.

Some shit was going to go down tonight. I just hope everyone comes prepared for the fallout.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Two chapters in two days! I was on a roll with this story plot, haha. It's kinda like a three parter, I guess, so there will be more stories about the best non-sleepover sleepver ever (: I hope you like this chapter. It's my favoriteee.**

**xo, Hailee  
**

Chapter Six:

By the time we got to the house, neither Gerard nor I were as dunk as we'd like to be. We'd done some damage to the bottle, but Ray had taken it away from us and told us we weren't allowed to drink anymore. Gerard was in a mood, so he just sat there smoking himself into oblivion, watching the scenery outside the car window.

I felt like I should say something to him, acknowledge that there's something wrong, try to see if it's my fault or not. I didn't think I did or said anything wrong. But I still didn't know Gerard as well as I'd like to. And so I didn't know if addressing it would do more harm than good.

I decided just to stick by him the entire night. He wanted to wallow in his despair, and I wouldn't let him. I'd make him be part of the group and interact with us. After awhile, he'd loosen up and be cheerful and more of his loving self.

We set everything up when we got to the house, and I sat back down on the ground next to my _Teeth_ lyrics I had written earlier. They all gathered around me, till we were in another one of their infamous circles.

"So, Roslyn, you came up with this idea. What are we doing first?" Mikey asked me.

I shrugged. "We've got music, we've got comic books, we've got a Ouija board, we've got makeup and nail polish, we've got a bottle of vodka Ray took. Any of those we could do, really."

"I vote for the makeup stuff last," Frank stated.

"Yeah, can I opt out of that one?" Ray pleaded. "I can't picture myself with makeup on. Christa would die if she heard about it."

I rolled m eyes. "Fine, whatever."

"I propose we drink the rest of the bottle and play truth or dare," Gerard suggested.

All the guys cheered. "Good idea, Gee," Frank complimented.

"We should do that later," Mikey said. "I want to hear what all those comics Roslyn has are about. What's with the spiky man in that book?"

I grinned. "His name's Doomsday. He's a machine created by aliens. He can't distinguish the different between good and evil, so he kills anything in his path."

"But I thought the only way Superman could die was by kryptonite."

"Well, not technically…"

"Whoah, what?" Frank interjected. "Is my whole life a lie? Something _else_ can kill Superman?"

"He's called the last son of Krypton, right?"

They all nodded, and I continued.

"But he's not the only alien force out there. Something as powerful as him, in a face off, counteracts his powers. They can kill him if they fight long and hard enough, which is what happened to Doomsday."

"But he didn't really die," Mikey said. "At the end, he comes back to life."

"Right. The yellow sun heals Superman. As long a she's got the source of his power and he's away from kryptonite, he's theoretically immortal and can build his strength back up."

"Dude, that's sweet," Ray said,

"Yeah, well, I still think Batman is better," Frank retorted, crossing his arms over his chest.

I glared at him. "have you ever even read DC comics?"

"No. But Batman sounds cooler."

"Well, you do know Batman and Superman are best friends, right? He's the only person who knows the super secret way of getting inside the Fortress of Solitude."

"Not true," Gerard said. "Supergirl knows her way to the Fortress."

I smiled at him. "You're right; she and the Superman robots all know the entrance. Good catch, Gee."

He returned the grin, and flicked the ashes of his cigarette on the ground beside him. I wondered how many he'd smoked today.

Frank's hands slapped down on the cement floor across from me. "Hold on!" He sounded perturbed. "Superman has _robots_?"

I launched into a whole discussion about the Superman robots, but none of the guys were getting it, except Gerard, who tried to back me up and failed miserably. His explanations were even more confusing than mine. We finally gave up on trying to make them understand, and all ended up laughing about it till there were tears in our eyes. And then we couldn't remember what was so funny, which sent us laughing again.

After that we were all in jovial moods. We were all friends, and I was chatting with them like I'd known them since the sandbox days. Even though I hadn't been a part of that group then, they treated me like I was. Except they never mentioned outright their super secrets from the past. They used code words that I didn't know about, but they all did. I figured some day they would tell me what was going on. They'd have to crack at some point.

Eventually, they all got tired of just talking, and Frank and Ray were griping about not having any video games to play. That's apparently how they spend some of their Friday nights together: Frank and Ray battling each other with video games, Mikey reading either comics or some philosophical novel, and Gerard drawing. It sounded like too much of a routine. They needed to step outside their niche and have fun, Roslyn style.

Then both Gerard and Frank told me they were ready to be beautified. Just not to beautiful. I thought it was a good idea, too, and asked who wanted to go first, but neither guy trusted me, so they stuck Mikey first in line. He looked a bit frightened, but agreed. When I asked, he admitted to never having worn any kind of makeup before. I told him I'd go gentle on him.

"Ray," I said, "since you're opting out of this one, you can be my personal assistant. You can open my bag and hand me the items I need." Then I turned to Mikey. "Since it's your first makeover session, I'll just smudge a little eyeliner on; nothing too big of a deal. Okay?"

He nodded nervously.

"I'm gonna need you to take your glasses off, though."

He took them off and folded them up in his lap.

"Cool," I commented. "Ray, find the Maybelline eyeliner, Ebony black. It's really small."

He dumped all my bag's contents on the ground and rooted through it. "Got it!" he said proudly, and handed it to me.

I opened the cap and give it to Ray for safe keeping. Then I applied the eyeliner on Mikey's beautiful hazel eyes. They were greener than his brother's, but he still had a lot of brown in them, too. When I was done, I asked for the cap back and opened the other end of the stick, the smudger. I smudged the eyeliner a little under the lash line, and then surveyed my work. I liked what I did, so I did the same to the other side.

When I was finished, I gay Ray the eyeliner back. "Wow," I breathed. "Mikey, you're cute! No wonder you have a hot girlfriend like Alicia."

He got a goofy grin on his face. "She is pretty, isn't she?"

"Very," I agreed. "If I was a guy, and you weren't with her, I'd date her." I winked at Mikey, and he put his glasses back on. "Seriously though, Mikey, you're really hot. Have you ever thought about getting contacts?"

He shrugged. "Maybe someday I will."

I asked Ray for my compact, and opened it so Mikey could look at himself in the mirror.

"It actually looks good," Mikey told me. "I might have you do this more often."

I curtseyed. "Happy to be of service. Who's next?"

Frank plopped himself down in front of me. I thought about what to do. He didn't need the eyeliner; I could make do with just shadow. "Ray, get me the Almay eye shadow, the one that looks like an eye, kinda."

He put it in my hand, and I opened the case. The bottom shadow was a dark purple, with lots of brown and red in it. It looked like something he would wear. I applied it heavily to his lids, and then brushed it along his lash line, and a little under; not as dramatic as his lids. When I'd finished, he was satisfied with his look.

Last was Gerard. I knew exactly what look I was going for with him. "I need the Hot Smudge cream eyeliner, Ray."

My makeup clattered around as he looked for it. "The black and green stuff?"

"Yeah, that's it."

He handed it to me. I dabbed the brush lightly in the black cream, and applied it to Gerard's lash line, and then smudged it heavily with the tip of the other side of the brush. Then I closed the case and gave it back to Ray. "I need to L'Oreal eye shadow, with the light greys and black."

When I got that from Ray, I coated the brush with black and brushed it along Gerard's eyelids. It wasn't my darkest shade of black, but it was the one without sparkled, which I figured he wouldn't appreciate very much. When I was done with the top lids, I applied the eye shadow underneath his eyes, too. I guess post people called it the skunk look, but if you put it on just right, you can avoid making it look like that. And lucky for Gerard, I'd done several attempts on myself until I finally got it right. So his came out looking exactly like I wanted it to. And he agreed with me that it looked good. They all liked their look, which made me giddy.

"Do I get to do everyone's nails now?" I asked.

The nails didn't take long. Gerard's were a flat black that chipped easily, but very much fit in with his look. I painted Frank's a teal blue as per his request. He quite loved it, for some reason. Mikey wanted his pure white, which he said looked like I slapped white out on his nails. Ray let me put a clear coat on his.

While the nails dried, we took lots of pictures and drank the rest of the Grey Goose so we could have a bottle to put in the center of our circle so we could play truth or dare. Frank wanted to spin first, and whoever it landed on had to answer either a question of truth or accept a dare he concocted. When he spun, it landed on Mikey, who picked truth.

"Have you and Alicia had sex yet?" Frank asked him.

Mikey flushed red. I thought he was going to die of embarrassment, being put on the spot. He cleared his throat and mumbled, "Yes" and it was uproar for the guys. They sort of congratulated him, while teasing him. I just gave him another wink, and he grinned at me.

Then it was Mikey's turn to spin the bottle, and it landed on Ray, who chose dare. "I dare you to…let Roslyn touch your hair."

Frank and Gerard burst out laughing. "No!" Ray yelled. "No one touches the 'fro! It's sacred."

I grinned at Ray, who was glaring at me evilly. "Sorry, dude. A dare's a dare." I leaned over Gerard, who was sitting next to me, and gathered Ray's curly hair and ran my fingers through it. Ray whimpered, and I could hear Gerard laughing in my ear. I was about to double over in laughter myself.

When that was over with, and Ray got over the shock, he spun. It landed on Frank, who chose truth. That surprised me; I figured him more as a dare kind of guy. "If you could be any supernatural creature, what would it be?" Ray asked him.

"I'd want to be a ghoul," he replied.

I choked, coughing and laughing at his answer. "A _ghoul_? Your goal in life is to eat the flesh of dead bodies?"

"Well, what would _you_ choose, Roslyn?"

"A faery," I said proudly.

He choked as much as I did for his answer. "You want to be Tinkerbelle when you grow up?"

I frowned. "I never said I wanted to be Tinkerbelle."

"She's a faery."

"She's a _type_ of faery," Gerard corrected. "She's a pixie. I can't see Roslyn as that kind. Let me guess, you'd want to be an elf princess, right?"

My mouth hung open. "How'd you know?"

"You remind me of Lady Arwen from Lord of the Rings."

"OH MY GOD! I used to pretend I was her when I was little! I loved Arwen; she was like my hero."

Frank snorted. "Lame. All you get is pointy ears. That's not cool."

"It totally is!" I objected.

"I think you're just jealous," Gerard said on my behalf. "You're a Spock fan. Spock has pointy ears and bleeds green. He's badass."

"Thank you, Gerard."

"No problem, Roslyn."

We grinned at each other. That launched Ray to ask Mikey what he would be. He decided on being a werewolf. I asked Ray what he would be. His responded: Spiderman. Which, for some reason, fit perfectly. Then Gerard pouted and asked why no one wanted to know what he wanted to be. We all rolled our eyes and told him it's 'cause he'd choose a vampire. He didn't deny it.

Frank spun, and it landed on me. He grinned sardonically at me, but I chose to ignore it. I chose dare. I thought he was going to give me something bad I'd probably regret, but the dare was simple. All I had to do was have a contest with Mikey to see who can make the other laugh first.

Usually everything made me laugh, so I figured I'd be no good at this one. I did in fact have to clamp my mouth down and bite my tongue not to laugh. But I eventually won. All I had to say was "Skittles" with a dead serious face, and Mikey was doubled over on the ground.

When I spun, it landed on Gerard, right next to me. He picked dare. I had to think of something good really quickly. The only thing that popped into my head was a kiss. Okay, what's truth or dare without someone making out with another person? So I went for it. "I dare you to make out with Frank."

Gerard spluttered and did a double take. Frank laughed and rubbed at his neck. "Oh, God," he breathed. "Be prepared to be amazed. Are we gonna do this, Gee?"

Gerard ran his fingers through his hair, making it impossibly messy and gorgeous. "I guess so," he mumbled.

Frank leaned in, and Gerard grabbed the back of Frank's head, pulling his hair. Their moths latched on to each other, and their tongues were being sucked into each other's mouths. I'm not going to lie: I was completely turned on. Frank and Gerard kissing were…pure hotness. Too bad they weren't gay. That would solve all my problems.

Slowly they let go of each other, and Frank leaned back to where he had been sitting, a smug smile lighting up his face. Gerard seemed perplexed and embarrassed, but also like he enjoyed it. Ray and Mikey were just sitting there open mouthed, as I assumed I was.

Gerard cleared his throat. "Okay, now that we've got that out of the way…"

We continued to play the game. Gerard dared Mikey to go out and howl at the moon, since he was a werewolf. We sat outside and watched him, while we all sat dying laughing. Then Mikey asked Ray what he found most annoying about his girlfriend. Ray said he didn't like how much she bitched about him hanging out with the guys instead of her. When Ray spun, it landed on Frank again.

Ray didn't even have to think about his dare. "Sorry, Ros, but it's payback time for touching my hair!"

I made a noise in the back of my throat. "But that was Mikey's dare, not mine!" I objected.

"Sorry. Frank, I dare you and Gerard to be vampires and bite Roslyn's neck."

Both Frank and Gerard grinned at me like mad scientists. My eyes widened and I tried to get up to get away from them, but they pounced on me at exactly the same time. I cried out when I hit the ground. They were heavy, standing on top of me. Then they both, at the same time, bit down on both sides of my neck. Hard. "Ow!" I whined, but it was only half hearted at this point. It did hurt, but it also felt good.

And then Gerard let go. "Victory!" he exclaimed. "I drew blood!" And then he proceeded to lick it off my neck, making me cry out in disgust.

Frank just giggled and followed suit. Then like ten year olds, they have each other high fives and congratulated themselves.

I pushed them off of me and felt the broken skin on my neck. "Freaks!" I told them, but I was laughing along with them, too. "God!" I said. "You didn't have to bite _that_ hard. Now it's gonna look like I have hickeys."

"Hell yes!" Frank shouted out, and he and Gerard gave each other another high five. I sat in the middle of them to break up their camaraderie.

"You guys are so weird." I huffed as they both touched the spots where they bit me. "I don't want to play this game anymore."

"Ah, come on, Ros, don't be such party poison," Gerard complained. "Plus, we know you enjoyed it."

"I did not!" I protested, but I could already feel my face heating up, automatically signaling a lie. Gerard and Frank cracked up.

"Stop being best friends! You guys are scary when you all get along like this."

"Sorry, bby. You started it," Frank exclaimed. "If we want, we'll give you another snow, 'cause we're freaky like that. Oh, Gerard, come here. I miss having your tongue in my mouth."

"Oh, Frank, I miss your erection against me."

"Oh, man!" Mikey said in disgust.

"Yeah, can you all not put on another show around us? It's weird seeing you guys kiss when we've known you a lifetime."

"But Roslyn loves it, doesn't she?" Frank asked, grinning at me.

I smiled tightly back at him and stood up. "I'll give you guys a show that'll shut you up about the kiss for the rest of the night. Ray, can I see the iPod?"

He gave it to me. Honestly, if Mikey didn't have a girlfriend, I would have done it to him. But I didn't want to get him in trouble with Alicia, or Ray in trouble with Christa, so my only options were either Frank or Gerard.

"So, which one of you wants to help me out with this?" I asked.

"I'll do it," Frank said, raising his hand.

_Good. Payback's a bitch, honey._

I flipped through the songs in the iPod till I got to _Cherry Pie_ by Warrant and held the center button down. Then I picked another slower, more sensual song I had put on the iPod for this reason, and put that on the playlist as well.

When _Cherry Pie _came on, I sat Frank in one of the old chairs that was left in the house and just sort of teased him for a little bit. When the other song came on, though, I felt full force on him. I gyrated myself against him, and tugged on his hair. I knew he liked it. I knew how to work my body, and I danced as sensual as I could without hitting the slutty mark.

Then towards the end of the song I straddled his lap, and his hands latched onto my hips immediately, going underneath my jacket and shirt and touched my bare skin. I pressed into him, my chest just barely touching his and moved my lips to his hear, "I just couldn't help myself," I whispered, and then grazed my teeth along hid earlobe, making him shiver.

Still, I pressed myself harder into him, so close I could feel his erection through his jeans and mine. And to really get even with him, I just kissed him. I could feel the cold metal of his lip ring, and I caught it with my teeth, pulling at it. Frank groaned, and clutched me tighter, mingling his tongue with mine. His hands were like a vice on my hips, but I didn't care. I liked the feeling.

As much as I tried to tell myself this little act was just to prove a point, I knew it was more than that. For both of us. And fuck, he was a good kisser. Better than good. Excellent. I didn't want it to end. But I knew if it didn't, things would go farther than they already had, and I had to remind myself there were three other guys in the room with us.

I pulled out of his grasp, and Frank slowly opened his eyes and put his hand at his sides. "I think I made my point, didn't I?" I murmured, pulling my hair into a ponytail and checking my phone for the time while I waited for them to digest the events.

When they'd all calmed down and Frank had somewhat recovered, I got out my Ouija board. "I think it's time to conjure up some spirits now," I stated.

"No!" Gerard groaned. "I was hoping you'd forgotten about them. You're gonna get us killed."

I rolled my eyes. "Let's not be so melodramatic, hmm? Besides, I already offered you my protection. I will make sure no angry spirits hurt you."

"Great," Frank said sarcastically. "She's gonna kill us all."

"Ah, fuck you, Frank," Gerard said lightheartedly. "You just got some action. You're not allowed to complain."

Frank grinned from ear to ear, getting a faraway look in his eyes. Ray had to beam him down to reality as I set up the Ouija board.

"Now," I said. "Let's talk to some dead people."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry I didn't get this out sooner. It hadn't been such a good week. And I was going to polish it up this weekend, but a girl named Bethany Harlen died, an event which greatly affected me. I'm dedicating this chapter to her, because she was a member of the Killjoys, and we Killjoys stick together like glue. We are family. She will be greatly missed here on Earth, but she's welcome in the Black Parade. Even if you don't know her, she was a huge MCR fan, so I hope you all take a little time go grieve her death. Well with that being said, here's the next chapter. I don't know how I feel about it, but we'll see if you like it. Review if you want.**

**xo, Hailee  
**

Chapter Seven:

I held the object in my hand, and the others put theirs on it, too. Except for Gerard, everyone else was participating. He was sitting behind me, clutching the boxes of salt to his chest again. We closed our eyes, and I started to speak. "Are there any spirits in this house?" I asked.

Gerard whimpered. "Don't ask them that! They probably don't like being called spirits," he whispered.

I could hear Frank laughing at him. "Oh, great spirits of this abandoned house, do you wish to communicate with us?"

We waited for some kind of activity, but nothing happened. Frank and Ray kept asking the spirits silly questions while Mikey and I moved our hands across the board, forming a false response.

After a while, Gerard loosened up a bit when it was clear no angry ghosts were going to jump out and attack. He didn't ask any questions and he never got anywhere near the Ouija board, but he laughed along with us at the questions being asked.

We'd almost given up on contact when we heard a loud bang in another part of the house. Gerard fumbled to open up a box of salt and searched warily around the room. "What was that?" he whispered. We were all looking around, trying to figure out what it was. None of us were anywhere near the place where we'd heard the bang.

Mikey started to wheeze, and silently reached for the inhaler he always kept in his pocket. He liked to tell us he's not asthmatic, but we all know the truth.

We stayed silent for a few more minutes, trying to figure out both where the sound came from and whether we'd hear anything else. I wouldn't say I was terrified, because I wasn't. I was kind of freaked out, but there could be some kind of explanation…like the wind, or something…

Then Frank broke up the silence by whispering, "I'm hungry."

"There are skittles in the bag," Ray whispered back.

"SKITTLES!" Frank and Mikey yelled at the same time, and ran off in search of them. I shook my head. What was the obsession with skittles? I didn't think I'd ever understand it.

With a sigh, I put the Ouija board back in its box and leaned back against the wall, closing my eyes. This was a night I was probably never going to forget. Doing the guys' makeup, Frank and Gerard kissing, the lap dance I gave Frank…

I groaned internally. Oh, I was so _stupid_. Once again, I was being my annoyingly impulsive self and doing something stupid while inebriated: my life story. That…okay, the lap dance part was all part of the act. I could live with that part. But the kiss…_why_ in the word did I make myself kiss Frank? It was the worst possible thing I could have done!

God, I didn't know _what_ the fuck I was doing or why I even cared so much. I didn't want to lead Frank on because I was so unbelievably confused about how I felt for him. And then I didn't want to lead Gerard on, because of the warnings I'd seen served with. In no way did I want to make his situation any worse than it already is. And, let's face it; I wasn't exactly the poster child for the straight edge society. I was just as bad as him, and he didn't need any encouragement to drink, or anything else he might be in to. Plus, I'd just fucking _met_ them. Why would I even be thinking of being with them or being attracted to them in the first place? That was just archaic.

Frank's voice forced me out of my reverie. He was making up some random poem about how much he loved skittles. He was naming all of the different colors you could take the rainbow with, and stating that he's murder anyone who didn't love skittles. It was actually a pretty funny poem, which even had a rhyme scheme and everything.

I put on my fake enthusiastic show and joined the crowd in listening to fun dance music and eating skittles till our tongues turned different colors. After the little ghost freakout, we were all mellower. Or maybe it was the alcohol from earlier. Or just the super late hour. But we had definitely calmed down a lot.

A couple hours later, we all agreed that it was a good time to try and get some sleep. We'd brought sleeping bags and stuff, but the ground was still pretty hard and uncomfortable. I tossed and turned for a while, and a couple people were whispering to each other, and Frank was laughing softly about something.

When I finally did get to sleep, I had the weirdest dream. I was in a land with no real earth or sky. The air around me was dark purple, with streaks of lightning filling up the sky. My skin glowed an iridescent, pearlesque white. I had on a pale yellow sundress, and my black hair flowed down past my shoulders to my waist in tight curls. The air wasn't hot or cold, just normal. I was barefoot.

I felt the earth beneath me, but it didn't feel spongy like mud, or dusty like dirt. It felt like I was walking on smooth glass. I searched around the strange land, searching for something or someone to tell me what was going on. A veil of mist appeared before me, and a man stepped out of the fog.

He looked different, but so familiarly recognizable. I noticed that twinkle in his eye and the barely there smirk upon his lips. "Dad?" I whispered out.

He grinned at me. "Roslyn. You have made quite a life for yourself." His voice was different than I remembered it. I peered closer at my father.

"Are you…are you real?" I asked.

"I am real to you," he replied. I didn't know what that meant. "You are confused," he said to me.

"Well, I…I don't know what I'm doing here," I responded.

He shook his head. "No. I do not mean here, I mean in the real world, with those two boys. You are confused about which one is better for you."

"I suppose so. But it's too soon to be thinking about that. It's ridiculous to care so much about that when I haven't known them for very long."

"Love does not wait; it knows no boundaries. It comes at the best and worst of times."

"But is it real love? The kind that lasts?"

"I do not know if you will last forever with one of them. But I do know it will be a deep love; one that affects you in ways you read about in novels, or in fairytales. It will be very real."

"But how do I know which one is right for me?"" I inquired.

My father cocked his head to the side, as If my question had confused him. It reminded me of my Cocker Spaniel I had when I was nine. Her name was Bellator, which was Latin for warrior. When I would call her name, or ask her a question, she would look at me, tongue lolling out of her mouth, ears perked up, with her head cocks to one side, just like my father's was right now.

"You will just know," he told me. "Follow your instinct. Look for signs to guide your way. Then you will know who you belong with."

I'd never been good at interpreting signs. Looking for those things was just a waste of time. Besides, I didn't believe in them. A person could just pick a random event as their "sign" and manipulate it into making them choose something they'd otherwise be too scared to choose. Signs were copouts. But my dad did always believe in them.

I sighed in frustration. "Why do I have to figure it out on my own? Seriously, can't you like…ask God who I'm destined to be with and report back to me? Why does it have to be so complicated?"

My dad smiled at me. "The purpose of a journey is not to be told the path; it is to discover the path with the guidance you have received."

I was about to argue when my dad suddenly walked closer and placed a kiss on my forehead. My breath hitched in my throat. The kiss was weightless, feather light, like he didn't really exist. And then he and the weird universe I was in drifted away, and I opened my eyes.

It took me a while to gather my bearings. I sat up gasping, frightened to death in the pitch black night. But then I saw the bodies and could hear their snoring, and it reminded me I was in the haunted house with Gerard, Mikey, Frank, and Ray.

After calming down, I grabbed a pack of Marlboros and my Bic lighter and walked out the front door as quietly as I could. I had to sit down and process my dream as best I could before I began losing the details.

When I got out to the porch, Gerard was already out there, smoking a cigarette and nursing a can of beer. I sat on the steps next to him and lit up. He offered me a sip of his beer, and I took it, ignoring the fact that I hated the taste. My hands were shaking, and I needed something to calm me down.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked Gerard.

He inhaled a drag, then responded. "Nightmares."

"Oh." He told me he didn't want to spend the night in the house 'cause he'd get nightmares. I probably listened. "That's kinda my fault, is it?"

"Ah, it's okay. It's just nightmares. Why are you out here?"

II gave a small laugh and took a drag of my cig like he did. "Nightmares," I said simply.

"Trade you mine for yours?"

"You go first."

"Okay. Well, I dreamed some random crazy guy named Korse stabbed Mikey in the throat."

"Ouch. I had a dream about my dad in a world with a dark purple sky and a glass earth. I didn't know if he was an angel or demon or what, but I had a feeling he could have gotten in trouble if he talked to me."

"Is your dad dead?" He asked; not cruelly, but inquisitively.

I swallowed hard, making sure I had all my emotions in check. "Yeah, last year."

"Harsh. How did he die?"

"Cancer."

"Goddamn," Gerard cursed. "What the fuck's with all these people dying of cancer? I'm over it. I wish someone would find a cure already."

"You know, we're probably gonna get cancer from smoking all these cigarettes."

"That's why they need to hurry up and find the cure." He grinned at me, and nudged my shoulder. "No, really, I'm sorry about your dad. No one deserves to go like that."

We sat quietly, smoking our cigarettes till they were stubs and mainly ash. We took turns sipping from the beer can. And then I couldn't take the silence any longer. "Gerard, can I ask you something?"

He shrugged. "I guess."

"Why do you go to such lengths to hide behind yourself?"

"It's Defense Mechanism 101; to avoid getting emotionally hurt."

I frowned. "But it encourages the physical hurt."

"Getting hit or called a freak by people who don't know me is better than getting my heart broken by someone I love. I'd take a thousand insults and broken bones if it meant I never had to feel heartache again."

So this was all over someone he'd been close to that had hurt him. No wonder Mikey and Ray didn't want me to hurt him. If some girl did this to him, there really was no telling what would happen if I fell in love with him and somehow things ended badly. It would be devastating, and possibly catastrophic.

"Can I ask you a question in return?" Gerard asked.

"I guess."

"What's with the act? Why do you pretend nothing ever bothers you?"

"Because I don't want people to know how broken I am inside."

I looked up at him—right into his hazel eyes—and I couldn't breathe. The image in them reflected mine. It was like looking into a mirror. Every word he understood; he could empathize with my pain. He knew who I was inside. We were kindred spirits. You just don't make this stuff up.

I guess I'd never really believed in soul mates or anything like that. But they say looking at them is like looking into the windows of their soul and seeing yourself. In that moment, staring into Gerard's eyes, I _felt_ that way. The world seemed to stand still. The only substantial thing I could grasp was the hazel color of his eyes, and the reflection in them, and how I'd never felt closer to someone in my entire life.

_This_…maybe this was the sign my father had told me to look out for. It just seemed like a perfect fit. I just got it. Gerard was sad and broken, but vivacious and passionate. He was moody and a terrible drinker, yet stubborn and intelligent. And then I just knew. Frank might be an awesome guy, and someone who would never judge me, but he would never be Gerard. Frank could turn out to be the best friend I ever had, but he'd never be the one I fell in love with. It would always be Gerard. I grasped the concept of forever in his eyes.

"So what's his name?" I heard Gerard say, and it snapped me right back to reality. The world I saw inside of his eyes was gone and we were just two kids sitting on a porch in the early morning.

I cleared my throat and looked down at the concrete underneath my bare feet. I forgot what we'd been talking about. "Who's name?" I asked.

"The guy who broke you."

I loved how he said _broke you_, as opposed to _broke your heart_. He could see that it wasn't just my internal organ that was in pieces, it was all of me.

"Tyler," I told him. "His name was Tyler."

"Just the name makes him sound like a dick." He shook his head. "_Tyler._ Never met a guy by that name I liked."

I laughed. Tyler had been great for a while. I'd liked him. But that didn't last. Not for long. "What about you? What was the name of the girl who broke you?"

"Her name was Melody."

"She sounds stuck up," I informed him, taking another sip of beer.

He laughed loudly. "Yeah. She was. But in a good way."

"What the _fuck_?" Frank moaned inside the house. Gerard and I turned around at the noise. There was a bang and a _shit_ and then Frank was staring down at us, looking sleepy and with makeup smeared all over his face.

I snorted trying to keep myself from laughing and beside me Gerard snickered. Frank just looked ridiculous; we couldn't really help it. "What are you guys doing up so freaking early?" he complained.

"Uh, the spirit of Roslyn's dad was contacting her. It freaked her out."

I punched his shoulder. "Gerard had a dream Mikey died, and freaked out."

"I didn't _freak out_," He protested.

"Well, my dad didn't freak me out, either."

"Bitch."

"Jerk."

"Really?" Frank asked, with an edge to his voice. "You guys are arguing over that?"

"All in good nature, Frank," Gerard commented.

"Yeah, you're welcome to join us if you want," I added.

He started as us for a minute with an incredulous look on his face. "I'm going to pass this off as a dream. Try and keep the noise fucking_ down_, okay? Not all of us sleep like the dead."

Frank shuffled back into the house, with another thud, and someone stopped snoring. We waited till the snoring was back up to giggle quietly. "Oh, my God that was priceless," I whispered.

"Seriously," Gerard agreed. "I wish I had a pen and some paper to draw him. That's something for the scrapbook."

"Oh, I knew you forgot something. I almost didn't notice you weren't hiding behind your notebook and sketch pad. What are you always writing in that thing in Physics class, 'cause I know it ain't notes."

"Definitely not notes. I made a steady goal to receive an F in that class. Taking notes isn't allowed."

"So what are you writing?"

"Depends," he said. "Sometimes comic book ideas, sometimes really shitty poetry."

"You write poetry?" I asked. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me, but it did.

"If you can even call it that."

"Cool," I told him, biting my lip to keep from saying anything more, or from smiling too hard from knowing that Gerard could be deep and thoughtful. I fleetingly wondered if he's ever read any Sylvia Plath before, but I doubted it.

"Bitch," he muttered.

"Jerk," I responded.

He narrowed his eyes accusingly at me. "Stop being Sam Winchester," he told me.

"Stop knowing one of the characters from my favorite show," I spat back.

"You're a _Supernatural_ fan?"

"Aren't you?"

Gerard shrugged. "Sure. It's like a new horror story every week. And the vampires are kick ass."

I laughed. Of course he'd think that. I'd almost forgotten the vampires on that show weren't your average teen fiction screw up vampires, but actual mythical creatures.

"Someday when I get the chance, I want to travel to Canada and stalk the guys. If I get even the smallest glimpse of Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, or Misha Collins, I will die happy."

"I'd love to come with you. Those motherfuckers are too pretty to be real. I need proof."

I rolled my eyes at his ridiculous comment.

Gerard and I bantered until the rest of the guys woke up, begging for coffee and doughnuts. We all piled in the Trans Am and drove out to Dunkin Donuts, ordered our stuff, and sat inside the café. We were loud, and probably pissed off more than a few customers, but that wasn't our top priority.

We inhaled said coffee and doughnuts and laughed till there were tears in our eyes over the events of last night. Ray brought up Mikey howling at the moon, and all the guys made me blush and hide my face in my jacket sleeve over my impromptu performance, which had done its job and shut them up about the kiss for the rest of the night. When the kiss was brought up again, we were laughing until our sides were hurting. "Gross, Gerard germs!" Frank commented, a lopsided grin on his face. That got him a smack on the back of his head.

With caffeine and food in our systems, Frank took us all back to our beloved neighborhood, dropping Ray off first, and then Mikey and Gerard.

"Hey, Roslyn?" Mikey said after he was standing in his driveway, about to enter his house.

"Yeah?" I questioned.

He smiled softly. "Thanks for the best non-sleepover ever."

I winked at him, and he walked in the house.

Gerard leaned in through the open window of the passenger's seat, where I had climbed to from the back of the car. "See ya around, Sammy," he told me.

"Bye, Gerard," I chuckled, and he left me alone with Frank.

On the short drive back to our houses, Frank asked, "Why'd he call you Sammy?"

I peered in the rearview mirror, watching as the Way house got farther and farther out of sight, until we were parked in Frank's driveway. I looked over at him and he looked at me expectantly. I just shrugged. "It's nothing, Frank. I'll see you at school on Monday, okay?"

He nodded, and I leaned in and kissed his cheek before bounding out of the car and slamming up the stairs to my room. I picked a romance novel off my shelf and began to read away.

I finally figured out what they were all about. Someday, some time from now, Gerard and I would be together. That's all the reassurance I needed to get through the day. Maybe now I wouldn't need to drink, or cut, or burn my flesh. I could be normal. I could be whole.

I think I'm really gonna like New Jersey.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hi, lovelies! Happy Friday the 13th! It inspired me to finish writing. Well, that and last night's episode of Vampire Diaries. (; Anyway, kind of sort of a filler chapter, but still fun, anyways. Hope you like and review!**

**xo, Hailee  
**

Chapter Eight:

"Yeah, okay, I have a hangover, so like, keep it down or something. And please don't turn on the amps," my guitar teacher said.

Everyone started chatting at once, and I put my guitar back in its hard case. It wasn't my guitar, it was one I'd rented from the school, so it was old and didn't play as well as Daisy did. But I still wasn't ready to play her yet. My dad's death was still too fresh for me.

Ray came over to me, holding his guitar by its neck. "Dude, we really need your help with something," he said.

"Uh, with what?"

"This Friday is Mikey's birthday, and we've been joking about throwing him a sweet 16 birthday practically our whole lives. We need ideas on how to get him to have a good time."

I shook my head, and my hair came out from behind my ears. I was wearing it wavy today, instead of my signature straight razor cut way. It felt incredibly awkward, but Gerard had said it looked good. "I'm not sure I'm the one you should be talking to about this. Why don't you ask Christa and Alicia? I'm sure they're better at this stuff than I am."

"Well, yeah, but you can worth with them. If I ask Christa, she's gonna want me to help her plan, and I don't know how I'll survive that."

I laughed. "Okay. I get your point. I'll talk to Alicia in Calc later."

"Thanks, Roslyn. I really don't know what we'd do without you."

"I know. You guys would crash and burn, I'm a total savior. I get it. Gosh, Mikey's gonna be 16 this Friday?"

"Yeah. We have a list in Gerard's room with all our birthdays and how old we're turning. We forgot to ask you when you joined the group."

"No, it's cool. I'm not important enough." He rolled his eyes at my joking. "I'm surprised you all have to keep a list. Haven't you known each other's birthdays since you guys were born?"

"Roslyn, we can't remember _anything_ unless it's right in front of our faces."

I snorted at the sheer honesty of it. "True."

Ray and I talked some more with idle chatter, and then he asked me what was going on between me, Frank, and Ray. I tensed up, not knowing exactly what he'd been observing. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"They're both in love with you," he said.

My head snapped up to look at him. He was amused by the whole situation. I didn't think it was funny. "No, they aren't," I protested. "They've known me for like, three weeks."

Ray laughed. "But it's true. They're both fighting for your attention. Mikey and I find it rather amusing."

I groaned. "It's definitely not funny. I feel guilty, because they're always fighting."

"Well you've done a good job of just being friends with them. But I know you like one of them more, don't you?"

I scoffed. "No!"

"Liar."

"Shut up."

"I'll know who it is by the end of the year. Just so we're clear."

"Whatever."

The bell rang, and I waited for Ray to put away his guitar and lock it up before we met the rest of the guys for lunch. They were all kind of in a bad mood, and Frank wouldn't let anyone drive his car. Mikey and Ray left me alone with Frank and Gerard to hang out with their girlfriends, making things awkward. We were just standing around by the chain link fence, doing nothing.

"Soooo," I said when the silence got overwhelming. I took my iPod out of my pocket and turned it on shuffle. Gerard took one of the headphones and listened to the music with me. "I heard Mikey's birthday was this Friday."

No one said anything. I glanced between Frank and Gerard. Gerard has my iPod in his hands, flipping through my songs aimlessly. Frank had his arms crossed over his chest and was scuffing the ground beneath him with the toe of his Converse.

"Okay, seriously!" I blurted out. "When are you guys going to stop fighting?"

"We're not fighting," Frank said, without stopping what he was doing.

The song on my iPod changed to The Stooges. "Then why aren't you guys speaking to each other?"

"We speak."

I rolled my eyes. "Right. Okay. I'll just sit here and mind my own business then. Better yet, I'll disappear so you two are forced to talk, 'cause it's obvious I'm getting in the way."

I ripped my headphone out of Gerard's ear and started to walk away. Okay, I was acting a little childish, but they were friends long before either of them met me. Suddenly I show up, and there's a roomful of tension. And I was trying to be good, being just friends with both of them and not trying to lead the other on. I didn't even hang out with them alone, just in case I decided to go all stupid impulsive and ruin everything. Even when I was trying to be good, I ruined things. Because I'm just so amazing like that.

"When you two have your fresh start, come talk to me. Then we'll discuss Mikey's birthday plans."

Pre-calc class was a bitch again. Surprisingly, the teacher hadn't given me a lot of notice. But today I guess she thought she'd test her theory of me being some kind of ancient witch. I got pissed off, and told her to fuck off before grabbing my stuff and leaving the room. I spend the rest of the period in the bathroom.

When I'd closed the bathroom stall behind me with an enormous slamming sound, I all but practically ripped my hair out. That teacher really shouldn't have messed with me. I mean, she makes some snarky comment about how the reason I'm so fucked up is because I don't have two parents in my household and she thinks that's okay? Once you say _anything_ about my dad, you're crossing the line into dangerous territory. And then she said it with that smarmy, I'm-better-than-you look. She made me _want_ to be a witch so I could wipe that damn look off her face.

I dug at the bottom of my messenger bag and got out my Bic lighter, then reached in my back pocket for the barrette I keep for special occasions. I hadn't done this in a long time, but I couldn't help it.

There are two different things everyone must know about my moods: I'm stable as long as I'm happy. Stupid things happen when I'm depressed, but bad things emerged when I was angry. When I was upset, there's drinking and cutting, which isn't exactly a remarkable trait of mine. But then I'm angry, I live life on the extreme edge. And I like to bur myself. Which isn't safe, and it hurts like a bitch, but it keeps me from killing myself and others in my red homicidal rage. Yeah, I have major issues. I was dealing the best way I knew how.

To keep myself from doing any further damage, I held the barrette over the lighter. I flicked the lighter on, heating the metal. Then I pulled up the hem of my shirt and placed the barrette into the skin at my hip. I pulled in a sharp breathe, but I didn't pull away. My skin sizzled red hot underneath the barrette, but I didn't let go. I waited until the metal cooled, and then put it over the flame again.

I don't know how long I did it for. It seemed like eternity, but also only a few seconds. Then the bell was ringing and someone was knocking on my bathroom stall.

"Roslyn, are you okay?" they asked. It was Alicia's voice. "She was way out of line with what she said."

I tried to slow my breathing, but it was coming out in shallow gasps. I was too afraid to speak back. Instead, I looked down at my burns, gingerly touching them when my fingertips. Bad idea. It stung underneath my fingers, and my legs grew weak. When did I become such a baby about pain? Burning myself used to be the highlight of my sophomore year. Now it was turning me to pieces.

"Roslyn!" Alicia yelled from the other side of the door, panicking. Without thinking, I unlocked the door and let her in. Her eyes trailed to the lighter and barrette that had clattered to the floor, and then to me, crumpled into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest. She closed her eyes briefly and swallowed. Then she picked up my torture devices, pocketed them, and helped me up off the bathroom floor. "Come on," she murmured. "I'll take you home."

She walked out of the bathroom and let me outdoors. "I'm sorry I don't have a car," she said, embarrassed. "I'm not old enough to drive yet."

"It's okay," I told her, taking in a breath. "I can walk home."

"I'm coming with you."

I glared at her. Her blue eyes were wide and earnest, free of heavy makeup. She looked pretty this way. "You don't need to watch over me. I'm fine." My voice came out sharp.

"I know." She seemed unaffected by my harshness. Instead, she looped her arm through mine and steered me toward my neighborhood. "But we've got birthday plans to discuss."

I'd almost forgotten about that. Suddenly I was glad for Alicia being here with me. I needed a good distraction. Planning a birthday celebration definitely fit the bill. "Right," I muttered.

Alicia chattered the whole way home. On a normal day I'd find it really annoying, but today I was grateful for it. She talked about wanting to get out of this ridiculous town and travel to all 50 states before she turned 21. She talked about how she was falling in love with Mikey. I asked her how they met, and she launched the tale.

"It was last year," she told me. "He was in my history class. He just kind of stumbled in the door and awkwardly sat in the back of the classroom. I remember his glasses kept falling down the bridge of his nose and he kept having to push them back up. I thought it was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen.

"So I introduced myself. I thought he was going to have a heart attack," she laughed. "He dropped his Hellboy comic book on the ground and stumbled through his sentences. But it was cute, in a nerdy kind of way. I liked that he wasn't ashamed of what he liked and that he got flustered and amazed I would talk to him."

She was silent for a minute, pondering her words. "You know, Mikey's really amazing. He's changed me a lot since we started dating. When he talks about his books, or his music, or his video games, he talks with such unabashed glory that I can't help but be excited, too. He's one of those guys that really cares about everything, you know?"

We'd reached my house. I took the house key out and unlocked the door, letting Alicia in. "You guys are really perfect for each other. You really deserve each other."

She grinned and propelled herself up on my kitchen counter. "Thanks! I'm gonna marry him someday. You can be in the wedding, if you want."

I laughed at her. Weddings weren't my thing, but I'd do it for them.

"Now," she said, taking out a pencil and paper from her bag, "Let's get down to business."

We spent the next hour and a half planning Mikey's birthday. We both just threw random ideas out and Alicia wrote them down on her paper. Then we crossed off all the ridiculous ideas and the ones we knew we couldn't afford to do. When our ideas were minimized to three, we called up Christa and got her opinion. She wanted to go with the comic book themed party, so that's what we were going with. It wasn't very original, but Mikey would like it.

"So what are you getting Mikey for his birthday?" I asked her.

Her blue eyes lit up, making me really curious. "I've been saving up my money to buy him a bass. He always says how much he wants to learn. I was going to look for one after school tomorrow while I'm picking up party supplies. Do you want to come with me? You know more about instruments than I do."

That actually sounded exciting. "Alicia, he's gonna love it! Of course I'll come with. You should take bass up, too; learn how to play together, like a couple thing."

"So cliché," she said sarcastically, making me laugh. Then she bit her lip. "I've got another favor to ask, Roslyn."

I frowned in confusion. "What is it?"

"Well, you play video games, right?"

I grinned. "Of course."

"I wanted to surprise Mikey by learning how to play _Call of Duty._ He loves that game, and I always refused to play, 'cause he made it sound complicated. But I wanna give it a try, for him.

Oh, my _God_! That was so adorable! Alicia must really be in love with Mikey if she was going out of her way to impress him and incorporate herself into things he liked. I thought it was a perfect idea.

I slid of the kitchen counter and winced. My burns were still stinging, and the waistband of my jeans was beginning to chafe against them. I knew I needed to do something about it, but I didn't want Alicia witnessing it. Not again.

"Good idea," I told her. "My game and player are in the closet at the end of the hall upstairs."

She hopped off the counter. "Cool. Be back in a sec." She bounded up the stairs, and I took my opportunity. My medical supplies were in a cabinet, and I got them out. First I put on the burn solvent, which felt like a thousand suns scorching me, but I knew it was necessary. Then I covered the burns with a square of gauze and taped it down. The supplies were back in the cabinet when Alicia came back with the stuff.

I educated her on the rules and the objective of the game, and then made sure she knew what all the controls were for. She paid close attention, following my instructions. I coached her through the first game and helped her get the hang of it.

We'd been playing for quite some time when my doorbell rang. I got up to answer, and almost laughed when it was Gerard and Frank at my door. I crossed my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow. "Made up yet?" I inquired.

Frank grabbed Gerard's hand and knotted their fingers together, holding it up for me to see. "Best friends again," he said with a mocking tone.

"Good."

Alicia made a noise from the couch and Frank peered through the door. "Do you have someone over?" he asked.

"Matter of fat, Alicia and I were doing some girl bonding over _Call of Duty._"

Frank snorted. "_Alicia's_ playing _Call of Duty? _This I've got to see." I opened the door wider and let him in. He sat on the arm of my couch. I took my place next to Alicia and Gerard hovered near Frank.

"Mastered the skill yet?" Frank asked her.

She made a face. "No. I can only make three kills."

He laughed and patted her on the back. "Better than zero. How many kills are you making, Princess Roslyn?"

I choked on the water I was drinking and slammed my glass down on the coffee table. "Did you just call me _princess_?"

"You're the one who said you wanted to be an elf princess."

I shook my head. "Last game I made 23 kills."

He didn't say anything back.

The boys watched Alicia and I play another game; 15 kills for me, five for her. I didn't notice Gerard was next to me until he whispered in my ear. "Frank and I need to talk to you in the kitchen," he told me.

My palms felt sweaty. What did they want to talk to me about? I hated not knowing things. I swallowed hard and nodded.

"Alicia," I said. "Why don't you keep practicing? I'll be back in a minute."

She nodded, and all three of us left her to the game. When she was out of earshot, I turned around to face them. "What's up?" I asked.

Gerard waved a list in front of my face. "Need birthday details. It's gotta go in the records."

I glanced between him and Frank. "That's it?" Gerard just waved the sheet. "Um, my birthday's October 28th. I'll be 18," I told him.

He wrote it down, sandwiched between Mikey and Frank's birthday.

When Gerard glanced back up, I knew there was more. "We, uh, heard about math class," he said awkwardly. "We came to make sure you were okay."

I sucked in a breath and nodded. Frank's critical glance was boring into me, but I didn't turn to look. "I'm okay. Alicia calmed me down."

He nodded, taking my word as golden, and we joined Alicia back in the living room. We all hung out for a little bit more, but then Alicia said she had to go. Frank offered to give her a lift in the Trans Am.

As they headed out the door, Frank pulled me into a hug. "You're not fooling anybody," he whispered. "I know you're hurting yourself."

"Let it go, Frank," I hissed back.

"I can't." He sounded sad, and I didn't know what he wanted me to do about that. I wasn't magically going to get better in three weeks' time. He already knew I didn't like accepting help from people. I wasn't grasping his point here. I let him go without another word.

It wasn't till later I remembered Alicia never gave me back my lighter and barrette. It made me groan and chew on my nails when I wanted a cigarette. God, I was so screwed up inside. Wasn't it ever going to end?


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: SO SO SO SO sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out! I stopped writing it to focus on my end of the year exams. And right after school ended, my parents and I moved states. So I've been busy unpacking boxes, and we didn't have our internet set up until Friday night. The first chance I got, I typed up the chapter I had written down. Sorry for the wait! But thank you for all the really nice reviews. You make me want to continue updating. (:**

**xo, Hailee**

After an excruciatingly long Pre-Calc class full of bitter glares and whispers, the bell finally rang for the day. Alicia and I walked our way to the music store, while she gave everyone the finger who glared at us. She kept me in a good mood by once again loping her arm through mine and talking animatedly. I was really beginning to enjoy her company.

"So, I was reading these Hellboy comics last night, and oh my God!" she gushed. "I can't believe it took me forever to actually pick up a comic book and read them. I was so stupid and ignorant. When really, you've got actual story lines, action, romance, pretty much everything. They're not just for guys. Gosh, I can't believe I'm excited over _comic books_." She wrinkled her nose and giggled.

I shook my head. "Welcome to our world," I told her, pushing open the door of the music store. Chimes dinged as we entered and were greeted by tons of musical instruments: a myriad of guitars, basses, and drums.

It took us forever to decide which one to get Mikey. They were all so pretty! We took a look at the ones in her price range, and from there decided on style and sound. We couldn't really decide, so we got one of the workers to help us. We ended up buying a silver sparkly one that he would like because it was shiny.

Then Alicia and I took the bus to the party store, and spent at least 45 minutes in there, gathering our supplies and also throwing things at each other. The girl behind the counter snapped her gum and rolled her eyes at us, waiting for us to stop acting like children and buy something. Finally she got pissed and threatened to throw us out unless we stopped playing around. We bought the stuff and got on another bus towards Alicia's house.

"You can come in," she told me as we reached her porch. "My brothers are home, but I don't think they'll bother us."

I stepped in. You could hear the TV going on loudly while her brothers were yelling something. Alicia rolled her eyes and put the bags on the counter. I heard a meow, and a pure white kitten jumped on the counter to Alicia. "Hi, baby!" she cooed, as the cat rubbed against her arm.

Another cat came up behind me and I petted it. Its low, gruff purr was a soothing sound. This cat was grey and white, and had electric blue eyes. "Your cats are so adorable!" I told her.

"Thank you. I love cats. I want more someday when I'm done traveling around." The white cat purred appreciatively at Alicia's touch and flicked her tail in the air. She gave the cat a kiss on the top of its head. "I'm going to put these in the basement; I'll be right back."

"Okay. Hey, where's the bathroom?"

"Over there." She pointed. "Third door."

"Thanks."

She left and I walked into the bathroom, turning on the lights and then closing and locking the door. I pulled down the waistband of my jeans and picked at the side of my bandage. It hurt a little as I pulled at it, but I wanted to see my burns from yesterday afternoon.

They didn't look so bad. Not at all, actually. In fact, they looked like it happened weeks ago, instead of 24 hours ago. I felt pleased that I still remembered how to take care of them properly.

I re-covered the burns at I exited the bathroom. A few minutes later Alicia reappeared, and asked if I wanted to go get coffee. Of course I couldn't deny a good cup, so I took her up on the offer. I spent the whole time, in between five cups of cappuccino, explaining all the different superheroes and their powers and limitations and story lines and even which universe they come from. She was pretty quick to learn, actually.

"This stuff's actually pretty cool," she said, leaning back in her seat.

"Yeah, once you give it a chance."

She laughed. "Okay, sorry. I was biased. But I'm evolving. Soon all the guys won't complain about spending time with me."

"Oh, God, I hope so! I mean, no offense, the guys are incredibly cool, but it's nice to have another girl to hang out with."

"Yeah, has the concept of anything girlish escaped you? Your closet looks like a guys. And you have a lot of guy habits. Are you sure you're not a transgender?"

I laughed loudly. "I'm sure. I used to be a lot more girly, but I forgot what it's like. I stopped hanging out with girls."

"Why's that?"

I made a face, then leaned in closer to Alicia. "Okay, promise you won't tell anyone this. As in, not even Mikey."

"Okay, I promise."

"Well, I used to be one of the really popular girls freshman and sophomore year of high school. I was a cheerleader, and I had tons of friends, and I—no joke—wore lots of dresses and sandals and all of that. Not that I have anything against those girls who mock us now, but I used to be exactly like them."

"Wow. I never would have expected that from you." She took a bite of her blueberry muffin. "So what happened?"

"Um, I got involved with a guy on the basketball team and then all my so called friends got jealous and started rumors about me."

"Harsh. I guess that kind of took a turn on things. I can understand not wanting to be friends with those girls. But Christa and I wouldn't do that."

"Yeah, I know, you guys are different. That's why I've really liked hanging out with you."

"Well, I'm flattered. Sometimes it's good to be friends with a girl who doesn't dress like a cheerleader but still keeps it sexy instead of unisex."

"Alicia, you're not suggesting I stop for a new wardrobe, are you?"

The waitress came for our bills, and we paid for our drinks and muffins.

"Oh, come on, Roslyn! Imagine how many guys will stare at you. You dress like a guy and still the whole school is drooling over you. Maybe Gerard will man up and actually ask you on a date if you dressed more like me."

The lady came back, and we gathered our things and left the café. "Gerard?" I commented, raising an eyebrow.

"Don't think I don't notice the way you two stare at each other. You're in love."

I half-heartedly shoved her. "I am not."

"No, I think it's great. Gerard's like, happy. It's weird. I can't call him a vampire anymore, because he's less moody. I don't think he's drinking as much, either. Honestly, I don't know why Mikey was worried; I think you're good for Gerard."

"We're not having this conversation, Alicia."

"Okay, I'll stop talking about it if you agree to go shopping with me. You need to wear something new and fun for Mikey's party on Friday."

"Fine," I agreed. "But I have to like it."

"Of course. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Bye."

We walked in opposite directions back to our houses. I can't believe I let Alicia talk me into shopping for a new outfit. I didn't know how to do…slutty anymore. I'd been dressing this way for over a year. It was comfortable. Besides, I didn't have Alicia's body. I totally couldn't pull it all off.

And I didn't like how she said the whole school was drooling over me. The whole point of wearing band t-shirts and jeans, or shorts with fishnets, all the time was to _not_ be sexy and have guys staring at me. I didn't want to attract that kind of attention anymore. But now I was all nervous about getting something pretty for Gerard, and I didn't have my lighter since Alicia took it from me. I felt double screwed as I walked in my front door. I had to resist the urge to call Frank and borrow one if his.

The next day after school Alicia dragged me off to the mall. I couldn't believe I left her talk me into shopping. It really wasn't a past time. The only good thing about it was the fact they had a coffee shop at the mall and walking around was exercise.

Alicia did promise it to be virtually painless, though. She wasn't here to shop her herself, it was all about me. First thing she did was grab my hand and drag me halfway through the mall to Hot Topic. At least she was respecting my style choice.

"Okay, I know for a fact Tripp makes some really cute corset dresses you would like. I saw one just last week in the sale bin. Let me see in I can find it…" She trailed off and I lost sight of her amongst the clothing and accessories.

I didn't know what she'd been smoking, but I don't wear dresses. Not even corset ones. Hell, especially those! I'm not skinny like she was; I couldn't look good in those things.

"Hey, Alicia," the guy at the counter greeted. He had snake bites and a green streak in his hair. His nametag red "Mitchell Massacre". She gave him a hug and talked to him too soft for me to hear, and then helped her somewhere.

I hung out by the CD racks and browsed through them, waiting for Alicia to return.

When she finally did come, she was holding the dress out in front of her. The top part was corseted, with red lace, and the bottom half was like a tutu, but black and red fabric instead of pink. Okay, I had to admit it _was_ gorgeous. And it definitely was my style. But... "Alicia, there's no way I can pull off that dress."

She rolled her eyes. "Roslyn, shut up. You're hot. As long as you wear the dress with confidence, Gerard won't be able to keep his eyes off you." Then she frowned. "Just don't be too hot. Mikey's gotta focus on me."

I laughed. "Trust me, it's totally not going to happen. Mikey's like my younger brother. Plus, he's too in love with you to notice other girls."

Alicia gave me a wide grin. "Kay. Let's go try this on. Mitch already got us a dressing room."

She pulled at my hand again. "_Us_?" I queried. She led me into a large dressing room and shut the door. She held out a dress to me, but I just stood there staring at her. I wasn't about to change in front of her. I wore layers for a reason.

Alicia sighed and rolled her eyes. "Roslyn, it's fine. I saw your burns the other day in the bathroom. Nothing can freak me out. You can trust me, remember?"

In the back of my mind I knew I could trust her, but my bad experience with gossip and rumors and betrayals by the girls I thought were my best friends for life kept me cautious. Not so much for life. That always left me closed off and unsure of myself. Alicia was different from those girls, but it was still hard to shake the hesitancy.

I bit my lip hard and closed my eyes. Then I unzipped my U2 sweatshirt and let it fall to the floor. If she could handle this, then she could handle the rest. I kept the eyes closed, bracing myself.

Alicia lifted my arm and ran a finger up it, feeling the bumpy flesh. She let go and lifted the other one, fingering the older, fading scars all up that arm, too. I was afraid to see her reaction, afraid she'd be disgusted and call me a freak.

But she didn't. I heard her shallow intake of breath and waited for her to say something, anything at all. "Is that all your scars?" she asked me calmly.

I opened my eyes and pulled my shirt over my head. Alicia took in the scars. They really were _everywhere_. You know those people who get sleeve tattoos, and chest pieces so their entire top half of their body is practically covered in tattoos? That was me and my scars.

"Wow," Alicia said. "You look like an abuse victim," she commented.

I cleared my throat. Alicia grinned again. "Okay, hurry up and put this dress on! I have to see how hot you're gonna look for Mikey's birthday."

I kicked off my Chucks and unbuttoned my jeans and put on the dress. I was extremely uncomfortable. When your wardrobe consists of jeans, t-shirts, and jackets, and little else, anything less makes you feel awkward.

"Roslyn, you are such a liar!" Alicia yelled. "You totally can pull this off! Look in the mirror."

I turned to the full length mirror behind me and studied myself. Well, I was biased, so I didn't think it looked good. But I had a feeling Alicia wasn't going to let me leave without it. "I'll fix your hair and do your makeup for you and you'll be gorgeous. There's no way Gerard won't fall for you."

"Can we not talk about Gerard? We're platonic friends."

Alicia shrugged. "Sure. If you want Frank, he'll love the dress, too."

I made an annoyed sound and took off the dress. "Frank and I are just friends, too."

"Of course. That's why he got a boner from your lap dance."

"OH MY GOD! Who told you about that?"

She laughed, delighted at my discomfort. "Mikey."

I groaned. "I was so drunk!"

We stumbled out of the dressing room laughing. I made my purchase and we left the mall. We went back to her house to gather the party supplies and Mikey's bass and then called Gerard to see where we could set it up for tomorrow's get together.

On Friday the guys teased Mikey about turning 16 and completely embarrassed him. Us girls played it entirely cool the entire day until the final bell rang, and we were going to set up all the comic book paraphernalia.

When Alicia and I got out of class, Frank was outside the door, waiting for us. Alicia told me she'd catch up with me later, and left me alone with him. We walked slowly to the front of the campus. He was looking down at the ground and his hands were in his jeans pocket. I kept waiting for him to get to his purpose, but he didn't speak.

Finally, I cleared my throat and stopped walking by my locker. "Is there something you want, Frank?" I asked him.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out before Mikey's party tonight."

"Sorry, I can't. Us girls are setting up the stuff, and then we're getting ready at Alicia's."

Frank rolled his eyes. "So you and Alicia are best friends now?"

"I like her a lot," I said plainly.

"We never see you anymore. You've been hanging out with her all week."

That was true. Alicia and I had been spending a considerable amount of time together lately, but all for a purpose. But it wasn't like she had my undivided attention. I'd spent lunch with the guys every day this week. And Frank had stopped by for a few last night to check up on me and give me his Zippo, since he'd heard I'd "lost" my Bic one.

I didn't realize his emotions were jealousy at first. But that's really what it was. He was jealous of the time I was spending being a girl, instead of hanging out as one of the guys. Maybe he even felt like Christa and Alicia were stealing me away from him and the others. But was he scared, or angry about it, or just unhappy?

I placed a hand on Frank's arm, trying to ignore the fact he'd been working out. He was gaining some muscle, and I could feel the subtle hardness on my fingers. "I'm sorry, Frank," I told him. "But it's just been one of those weeks where I've had to fulfill girl duty. We'll hang this weekend, okay?"

He nodded. "Okay. I gotta go, but we'll talk at the party," I said.

"At least let me give you guys a ride. My Trans Am is nicer than the bus."

I smiled at him. "Okay. Thanks."

We walked out the double doors to the front of campus and caught up with Alicia and Christa, who were grateful for the ride. Gerard was purposely keeping Mikey at Ray's so we could get the house in order. Mama Way greeted us at the door and helped us set up some of the comic book stuff. Frank stick around to help, and drove us out to Alicia's when we were finished.

Each of us took turns helping the other get ready. Alicia curled my hair and I straightened hers while Christa did Alicia's makeup. I did Christa's, and Alicia insisted on doing mine. She was good at doing makeup. The look she selected fit perfectly with my outfit.

Of course I felt self conscious when I put my dress on and laced up my worn out boots. Next to both Christa and Alicia, I felt absolutely hideous, especially since I wasn't used to wearing something this girly. They both insisted I looked amazing, and they were jealous of me.

When Christa was in the bathroom, I took my opportunity to talk to Alicia. "None of my scars are visible, right?"

She paused while putting on one of her shows and looked at me. "You're fine."

I'd put cover up on them earlier since I didn't want the scars to be my main attraction. I was so used to just covering them up with my jackets that I felt almost bare in my dress, with my arms showing. I felt completely vulnerable, like someone would find out my secret any second. Well, it's not like they didn't already know or guess, but none of them, apart from Alicia, had actually seen them. Seeing something makes it ten times worse.

"I don't freak you out, do I?" I realized I was a bit fearful for her response.

She dropped what she was doing and came over to stare directly in my eyes. "_No_," she said fiercely. "You don't. I've seen Gerard go through this, and nothing shocks me anymore. It's okay to be lost. It's okay to have scars. It's what makes the person that matters. And I know you. I accept you."

I cleared my throat and twirled my finger around one of my flawless curls. "Thanks for the pep talk, Dr. Phil."

She winked at me. "No problem!" She sat back down on her bed and put on her other shoe.

Just as soon as Christa got out of the bathroom, Alicia's mom called us down from upstairs. She was giving us a ride to Mikey's. All three of us got into the Mini Van. We thanked Alicia's mom when we were in Mikey's driveway. She drove away and left us with no choice but to enter. This was it. No turning back.

My cell phone began playing my _American Dream_ ringtone, and I opened the clasp on my hand held purse to read the message. It was from Gerard, saying he, Mikey, and Ray were leaving now. Frank's Trans Am was parked along the curb already.

I took a deep breath and willed myself to calm down. Alicia grabbed both mine and Christa's hands, and we entered the house together. No turning back.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: This is probably my favorite chapter I've written so far. And to think I thought Mikey's party was going to be boring, lol. What can I say, I was inspired by a little someone. I really hope you like where the story is headed.**

**xo, Hailee**

I held my breath as we walked into the Way house and waited for Gerard, Ray, and Mikey to get here. I was definitely nervous, and wished I had a bottle of tequila I could dive into. Instead I grabbed a handful of chips and focused on the salty taste while we waited.

Frank's scrutiny wasn't really helping me, either. He was sitting next to me on the couch, and his eyes never left me. I could hear him swallow and run a hand over the top of his short black hair, mussing it up a bit. I wasn't sure which was worse: having Frank's reaction, or waiting for Gerard's.

You know, maybe he wouldn't even react. It was possible. He'd been burned by that stupid Melody bitch, and didn't really show any signs of letting himself get so close to a girl again. Maybe Mikey and Ray were right, and I should keep my distance and try not to single out his feelings for me. I might be doing more damage than good.

Then I heard voices at the front door, and Gerard's unquestionable laugh, and the door opened. Alicia quickly bounced up from where she sat and rushed up to Mikey, and threw her arms around him. "Happy birthday, baby!" she said. The rest of us got up, too, and greeted the boys at the door.

I purposely avoided looking at Gerard. Instead, after Alicia had disentangled herself from her boyfriend, I hugged him. "Happy 16th," I whispered in his ear.

"You look like a dark faerie princess," he whispered back.

I pulled out of his hug and gave him a genuine smile. He knew just what to say to give me a boost of confidence. Faeries were awesome, beautiful, mysterious creatures. I looked pretty, he was telling me. Embrace the dress.

When the formalities in the entryway were over, we got to the party place. Mikey got a grin on his face at the comic book stuff. There were different stations with little action figures and the most popular editions of different hero stories. It was our gift from all of us, excluding our solo presents we'd gotten him.

The guys were starving, so we spend a long time eating and talking and perusing issues of the comics we'd gotten him. He said he liked the Hellboy ones the best, and Alicia admitted with a blush she'd thought of those herself, since she actually liked the story plot. Mikey kissed her, and slipped the guys the finger when they cheered him on.

After they ate, the guys decided they still had room for cake. Christa worked at a bakery, so she'd gotten someone to decorate it for him with Hellboy on it. There was no such thing as being childish when it came to what was on your birthday cake. It's your birthday; you're supposed to have fun.

My stomach was feeling a bit queasy, so I didn't get a piece. Instead, I sneaked vodka into my punch when I thought no one was looking. A party wasn't a party unless there was some booze. Well, to me. But I was a raging alcoholic. My opinion didn't count.

"Okay, present time!" Ray announced. We migrated back to the living room, where Mikey, Alicia, and Gerard sat on the couch and the rest of us sat in a circle on the ground, with our gifts in our laps. I was _not_ an expert wrapper, so my work was absolutely shotty. But it looked like the guys didn't know anything about wrapping, either. At least I wasn't the only one.

"I'll go first," Christa said, handing him an immaculately taped package. Mikey tore into it, revealing the new video game Mikey had said he'd wanted.

"Cool!" He grinned. "Thanks, Christa. It's perfect."

Ray handed him a smaller package. And when Mikey unwrapped it, he revealed an Iron Maiden cd he'd just happen to have lost a few weeks ago. "Thanks, buddy!" he said.

Frank went next. He was giggling before he even gave Mikey his present. When he gave it to him, Mikey squinted, examining the sheet of paper. Then he frowned. "A two month subscription for Playboy magazine?"

Alicia raised an eyebrow, Christa cleared her throat, and the rest of us laughed. Mikey was turning red with embarrassment at the magazine subscription. He placed the gift on the coffee table without saying anything.

When Mikey had faded back to his white pallor, and the snickers had died down, I held up my badly wrapped gift. "Okay, my turn."

I handed it to him. In the wrappings was a $15 gift card for iTunes, and a copy of one of my favorite books I thought he would enjoy.

Mikey laughed while reading the title. "Ecstasy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance by Irvine Welsh?"

"Roslyn, what the hell did you just give my brother?" Gerard asked suspiciously.

I laughed lightly. "It's three different stories about love and drugs, and that kinda stuff. In the first book, a romance novelist finds out her husband is addicted to porn, so she and her sexually confused nurse plot revenge."

"Ooh, I like revenge stories. I might have to steal that from you, Mikey."

"No!" Mikey protested, holding the book up to his chest.

"It's fine, Gerard. I'll let you borrow my copy."

He beamed at me. "Thank you, Roslyn. Someone's learned how to share."

"Thank you," Mikey said sincerely. "It sounds like something I'd like. Now, brother, did you buy me something you're going to steal from me, or did you actually buy me a gift?"

Gerard fake laughed, and chucked Mikey's present into his lap. It was a gray beanie. "I approve. Thanks, Gee."

"Yeah, yeah," Gerard mumbled, whacking his brother in the back o his head. Mikey reciprocated the gesture by punching Gerard in the stomach. Gerard choked, but maintained his composure.

Next to Mikey on the couch, Alicia was bouncing up and down and biting her lip. "Okay!" she burst. "My turn, right?"

I chuckled at her eagerness. She sprang from her seat and ran to the Way's basement where she'd stashed his bass. When she brought it out, there was a purple bow on the base.

"No way!" Mikey sputtered, rushing over to his bass. "It's sparkly and it's a bass and oh, my God, Alicia, it's perfect."

She laughed, delighted he liked her present. "Really?"

"Yes! It's my favorite. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Then he leaned in to kiss her. It wasn't a chaste kiss, either. I detected a bit of tongue was being used. Frank muttered an "Aww" and Gerard an "Eww", but Mikey and Alicia ignored them. They were too caught up in their special moment.

I was happy for them. Really, I was. But seeing a happy couple knowing I was so hopeless when it came to my love life was making me sad. They were so young, and already they'd found love. And I was doomed. I didn't have the balls to do anything about my feelings for Gerard except wear a dress and hope he noticed something good about me.

I swallowed the wave of sadness back and forced myself to smile as Mikey and Alicia pulled out of their passionate lip lock and sat back down on the couch. Mikey had his new bass in his hands, fondling the neck and testing the feel of it out. I wasn't going to ruin Mikey's birthday with my jealousy and pathetic bad mood.

Suddenly I felt a hand on the crook of my elbow. I looked over at Frank, a question in his hazel eyes. "You're wearing a dress."

"Girls wear dresses."

"Yeah, but you're…"

"Not feminine?" I finished for him. He gave me a half smirk.

"You covered up your scars nicely," he commented, his eyes straying to my right wrist. His gaze was making me uncomfortable. I'd almost forgotten I wasn't normal, that I had scar ridden arms because I didn't want to feel anything inside but numb. Physical pain was good, memories haunting me were bad.

Frank shifted closer to me on the ground. His black clad leg was resting against my bare one. "Can I see it?" he asked.

My immediate instinct was to say no and get up from where I was, away from him. But I held my composure, even though my heard was hammering wildly in my chest. Then Frank placed a hand on my bare thigh, and looked at me with burning eyes, and I forgot how to respond.

"Please," he said quietly. "I'll be gentle."

His hand was warm on my thigh. I couldn't focus on anything else. My breath hitched in my throat.

Then I remembered how to use my voice. "I can't." My voice cracked. "Not yet," I whispered out.

Frank nodded. "It's okay. It's too soon. I'm sorry."

I just nodded. His warm hand was still placed on my thigh. Was he going to move it? I found myself wishing he would, yet also wanting him to keep it there. My mind was conflicted with what I wanted from Frank.

"Well, anyway," he started, changing the subject, "You should wear dressed more often. You look really pretty, Tinkerbelle."

He moved his hand and put it behind him on the carpet, and leaned back on it. I rolled my eyes. "Don't call me that."

"You set yourself up for it."

I already missed his hand. I couldn't remember the warmth of it, the soft way his hand felt placed on my skin. If I was sure it was Gerard I wanted, then why was I wishing Frank would put his hand back where it was? Why could I imagine his hand trailing up higher, underneath the skirt to a more private area?

Oh, shit. My head was totally screwed tonight. I needed more vodka.

Then I remembered we were at Mikey's birthday get together, and there were spying eyes around. I let their chatter drown out my thoughts. Then I heard my name and snapped my head up, focusing on the actual words being said.

"What did I do?" I blurted out.

Alicia looked at me sharply. "I was telling Mikey you've been helping me learn how to play _Call of Duty_."

I cleared my throat. "Right. Yeah, I have. She's not bad. You should battle her."

He didn't need any more convincing than that. They set the game up, and I excused myself to get more punch, and brought my empty plastic cup with me.

I poured the cup halfway with punch, the other half with the vodka bottle I'd discovered under the sink. It must be one of Gerard's hiding places. I didn't think it was a very imaginative place for his stash.

I took slow sips of my drink instead of gulping it down like I really wanted to. My goal wasn't to get drunk. I honestly didn't want to royally screw up Mikey's night. I just wanted to loosen up and forget the memories that were flashing in my head; memories I could certainly live without.

Someone sighed behind me, and I whipped around too fast, spilling some of my drink on my dress and on the counter. "Shit," I muttered, putting my drink down.

Gerard grabbed paper towels and handed them to me. I thanked him and wiped the juice up. "Sorry I scared you."

I shook my head. "It's okay. What's up?"

"You looked a little lost earlier. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

I glanced sideways at him, dissecting the bitterness in his words. He said lost like it was a distasteful thing. "Lost?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "Yeah, lost in Frank's not so subtle touchiness."

_Oh_. He meant when Frank had his hand on my thigh. Great. He was pissed. He thought I was a slut. I'd worn this stupid dress trying to impress him and he threw it on my face that I was suddenly a whore. Well, he was right. I was. It's what everyone had called me at my last school after the incident with Ty. And they were right. I'd let it happen. The rumors weren't denied. I was a slut.

"Fuck. Oh, Roslyn, shit. I'm sorry. Don't cry. God, I can't believe I just made a girl cry. Smooth move, Gerard," he rambled.

I wiped a tear away, surprised to see my fingertip wet. I hadn't realized he was making me tear up.

"Look, I'm sorry, Roslyn. It's really none of my business what you and Frank are doing—"

"I'm not sleeping with him," I shot venomously. It seemed to take him aback for a second: he blinked in astonishment.

"_Okay_," he said slowly.

"We're just friends." I said a little more calmly.

He smiled softly. "Guys are never _just friends_ with girls," he stated simply.

"We are," I countered back.

He raked a hand through his long black hair and sucked in a breath. "No, we're not, Ros."

He leaned close to me, like he was going to tell me a secret. Then he rubbed his lips together and backed away. He raked a hand through his hair again. "Shit," he muttered.

I still wasn't catching his drift. We _were_ just friends. Gerard and I hadn't done anything to dispel that. Was he telling he didn't want to be friends, or what?

Then Gerard leaned close to me again. One of his hands found its way to my hip. It hugged my curves, a perfect fit, as if it were always meant to be placed there. "We're not just friends, Roslyn," he said in a low voice at my ear.

"Why not?" I breathed back.

He was silent for a beat before whispering back his answer in my ear. "Because I can't stop imagining what's underneath that sexy little dress of yours."

My mouth flew open as soon as I processed his words. My eyes grew wide. His hand left my waist and he disappeared down the hall, away from me. I stared at his retreating figure, too shocked to move or do anything at all.

Was I fucking dreaming? Did that _really_ just happen to me, or did I just imagine that whole little exchange?

My mouth slowly closed, and I tried to regain my composure before going back in the living room. How was I supposed to sit in a room with Gerard a few feet away from me and pretend nothing just happened?

I was still incredibly stunned as I stiffly walked back to the group and sat back down on the floor. They were still playing _Call of Duty_, and nobody seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary.

We all stayed over at the Way's house until after midnight. Around 2:30, the guys' sugar rushes were starting to crash and Mikey decided he was going to turn in. "Thank you guys for making this such an awesome day," he addressed up before trudging up the staircase to his bedroom.

Alicia, Christa, and I chatted for a few more minutes until her mom's headlight shone in the driveway, and they had to leave. Christa was spending the night at Alicia's. They had invited me over too, but I politely declined. My brain was too wracked with confusion and thought for me to peacefully spend the night over there. I said goodbye to them, and they left.

Frank said he was leaving soon after. He offered me a ride, but I told him I wanted to walk home. I could use the fresh air. He left without another word, and then it was just Gerard and I, standing in the foyer.

"Can I walk you home?" he asked me.

"Okay," I nodded.

He opened the door for me and we walked towards my house. Gravel crunched under my feet and crickets sang their songs. I shivered in the slightly chilly September night air.

Gerard shook off his Misfits hoodie and draped it across my shoulders. I smiled gratefully at him, and waited for him to say something to me as we walked.

"I totally made our friendship awkward, did I?" he blurted out of nowhere.

I laughed at him, and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "Just a little, but nothing we can't get past."

"Good." He sniffed. "That was a really dumb thing for me to say earlier. First I make you cry and then I admit I think about you naked. I'm such a jerk."

"You're not a jerk," I said softly. "Just a regular guy."

Gerard made a face. "I don't want to be regular."

I didn't tell him that he was anything _but_ regular, but I was thinking it. We were silent all the way until we reached my front door. Then he reached into his notebook I didn't know he'd been carrying and extracted something from it.

"I drew these for you," he said.

I took the drawings gingerly from his hand and looked at them. The first one was of me with my wavy hair, eyes off into the abyss. I was wearing a flowing white gown and holding a pure black rose in my hands. It was breathtaking.

The other drawing was me as an Elvin princess. My black hair hung straight and behind my pointy ears. I had a look of determination on my face, and I was holding a crossbow, getting ready to fire an arrow at my enemy. I was wearing a green princess dress. He'd written the words 'Princess Roslyn' at the bottom of the sketch.

I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Gerard, these are amazing," I told him sincerely.

"Ah, they're okay," he conceded.

I shook my head roughly at him. "They're better than okay. They're going on my wall."

"Do you even have room left on your wall for them?"

He brought up a good point. I wasn't entirely sure. "I'll make room for them."

He smiled sweetly, showing his dimples. "Well, goodnight, Roslyn," he said, turning away.

My hand shot out instinctively and grabbed his arm softly. "Gerard," I said.

"Yeah?"

I didn't even think about what I was saying before the words tumbled out of my mouth. "Do you want to spend the night?"

His grin got bigger. "Okay," he stated.

I let him in my house, shutting the door behind us and led him up the staircase, darkness blanketing us.

This was it; my night of taking changes and risks. No turning back now.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Reviews make me update faster. (:**

**xo, Hailee**

Chapter Eleven:

The sunlight blinded behind the curtains in my bedroom. I moaned, and pulled the covers up over my head, snuggling into Gerard's chest. I inhaled the faint smell of his cologne from last night, and smiled.

Yesterday wasn't a dream. It was real. Everything, down to the part last night when Gerard walked me home and gave me his drawings and then I asked him to spend the night. It seemed so surreal, I was actually surprised I wasn't dreaming.

Despite his claim of imagining what's under my dress, Gerard didn't press that issue last night. In fact, we didn't do anything but talk. I couldn't even remember all that was said, but it was a lot of shit about art and music and coffee and school. And, embarrassing and cliché as I knew it was, we literally sat there finishing each other's sentences. We were on the same page about everything.

"God, why's the sun so fucking _bright_?" Gerard complained, taking my attention away from last night's revelations. I opened my eyes and smiled at his annoyance.

"Morning."

"Mm, coffee," he muttered.

I laughed. He was _not_ a morning person. I was used to being up early, trying to get sleep and then failing. Those were the nights when I dreamed of all the unpleasant things that had happened in Florida. I dreamed enough about them to know sleeping was a luxury.

"I'll go make you some," I told him, getting out of bed. He cursed the sun and hid himself like a vampire, which made me remember the first day I met him and didn't know anything about him, but had still dubbed him Vampire Guy. It still made me laugh thinking about meeting him in Physics class, where he hated me, and me saying I would shoot myself if his name was Edward. I mean, we kind of did meet like we were straight from the _Twilight_ novels. I complained about all the things I bring on myself, and Gerard was brooding and hateful.

I shook my head as I walked down the stairs. And to think we had a very serious discussion about everything wrong with the novels.

When I entered the kitchen, my mom was putting a carton of milk back into the refrigerator. I avoided her eyes as I poured water into the coffee maker and added the ground coffee beans and stood at the counter, waiting. I could only imagine what a hot mess I looked like. Despite having some alcohol last night, I hadn't actually gotten drunk. But I hadn't bothered to take off my makeup, and I knew my hair was probably a gnarled mess. It always looked shitty in the morning when it was curly.

I pretended not to notice her scrutinizing look as I grabbed two mugs from the cabinet and poured coffee into them. I knew she was judging me, just like she'd precisely done every year after the incident with Tyler. She used be the type of mom who criticized my wardrobe and attitude and awful habits that I had slowly began to form, none of these habits she knew the true extent of. Now, since I'd been a stupid bitch and yelled at her to leave me the fuck alone, it's total silence, like she's afraid of me, like I'm completely broken beyond repair and she didn't even know how to formulate a coherent complaint about me anymore.

Ignoring the fact the just made coffee was scalding, I took a sip from one of the mugs, and waited for her to chastise me for having someone in my room with me, silently hoping for just a little bit of the mom I used to know who was so blatantly vocal about her opinions. It wasn't fun clashing with her all the time, and don't get me wrong, it was kind of awesome being able to do what I wanted without getting in trouble for it, but the problem was I knew my mom was taking it all in silence and letting all of her opinions stay inside her. Dad died no less than seven months ago, and I knew it wasn't something she was completely healed from.

But I'd gone and made her afraid of me, so of course she wasn't going to say anything negative about me. I might shove her into a mirror or something. And I was bad at apologies, and admitting I was in any way wrong, but I knew she was hurting just as much as I was, and I didn't need to be another reason for her misery. I just had to suck it up, bite the bullet, and have a conversation with the woman.

"Do you want some coffee?" I asked, even though I knew what the answer would be. She used to actually get mad at me for drinking it when I was younger. She was afraid of me stunting my growth, or losing brain cells, or something like that. She was always encouraging me to drink some of her Tai Chi lattes instead. And then my dad would come in and settle the dispute like he always did. He was always the buffer between us, always taking both of our sides, without actually taking any sides at all. It still hurt to think of him.

"I wouldn't want to take Frank's coffee away from him," she commented.

Frank was the only one of my friends she'd actually met. Okay, _met_ was a loose term, really. She'd only ever seen him leaving the house, or me letting him in; they'd never actually spoken words to each other.

"It's not Frank's," I told her.

"What's his name?" she asked back.

I didn't see what difference it made, since she didn't know anything about him, but it wasn't worth fighting over. "Gerard."

She nodded, mulling on the name. "He doesn't smoke cigarettes like Frank does, does he?"

"More, actually," I admitted.

I could see her jaw tighten. But all she said was, "Oh." She walked past me, down the hall, to her bedroom. At the door frame, she turned around to look back at me, just as I was about to walk up the stairs and back to Gerard. I waited for her to speak, since I knew she had something on her mind. "I hope you guys were careful," she finally said, very quietly.

Her words made me wince. "It's not like that, Mom. He's just a friend." _Despite the fact I had a weird dream where Dad was some kind of messenger and told me to look for signs that would lead me to the man I was supposed to fall in love with, and all of the signs pointed straight to Gerard. And I have a major crush on him, and he thinks about me naked, but we're both too screwed up to admit our actual feelings for each other to do something about it._

"You don't expect me to believe you're a virgin, do you?"

My mouth flew open in shock. That actually _hurt_. It wasn't so much the words, as the way she said them, sardonically, like I actually was the slut the whole school had claimed me to be. It was almost as if my mom had heard the rumors, and that she thought so low of me that she actually believed they were true.

I cleared my throat before answering her slowly. "No, I didn't." Mainly, because…well, to be honest, I wasn't a virgin. And I realize she didn't know what my after school activities consisted of, and I spent a lot of my time out on the town doing pretty questionable things, but I'd only had sex with one person. And he had promptly destroyed my life for the next year and a half after. "But…"

I floundered for my next words to her. I wasn't really sure how to formulate a response. "I'm…I don't sleep with every guy I meet, Mom." _Not even if I might possibly want to with Gerard sometime in the near future._ "I'm not like that."

She didn't say anything back, so I gave up on my attempt to quell her negative opinion of me and pounded my way up the stairs to my bedroom, where Gerard was standing at my desk, looking through my drawers. I'd forgotten he was too nosy for his own good.

He accepted his cup of coffee and almost drained the entire thing in the span of two minutes, while I took my time savoring the bitter flavor.

"Thanks for snooping through my things," I said in a joking voice. "I forgot leaving you alone in a girl's bedroom was cause for panic."

He laughed a low chuckle. "Don't worry, I wasn't really looking through anything. I was attempting to make myself busy in order to not listen in on the conversation you were having with your mom."

I groaned. "You heard that?"

"Sorry." He shrugged, then peered at me curiously. "So you're not a virgin?"

I blushed and looked down from his searching hazel eyes. What was he trying to figure out about me? "No, I'm not."

"That Tyler douche?" he asked, actually succeeding to make me laugh.

"Yeah." I sat down on my bed as he sucked the remaining bits of his coffee down. "What about you and Melody? Did you sleep with her?"

He shook his head. "No, we didn't get that far in our relationship." His voice was bitter. "So I guess that makes me less experienced than you."

I smiled, and bit my lip. "Being a virgin's not a crime, you know."

"Yes, but it's embarrassing when you want to impress a cute girl. And even more embarrassing to admit your little brother and his girlfriend regularly do it whenever I'm not around to watch them."

That made me laugh. Mikey and Alicia were too cute! But I did get what he was saying. It was sort of awkward Mikey was the youngest of the group and was probably getting the most action out of all of us.

"Wait," I said, raising an eyebrow. "Did you just say you were trying to impress me? Wait, did you just call me cute?"

He shrugged again. "I don't draw pictures for just anyone," he said, moving from my desk to the bed next to me, glaring up at my ceiling. Turns out we really couldn't find any decent wall space for his pictures, so I'd opted for my ceiling. That's why when it's late at night, I could look up at them and think of Gerard, and hope it was enough to keep the bad thoughts away. They were like a dream catcher of sorts.

I cleared my throat. "Well, consider me impressed."

He smiled, making his dimples show.

And then my phone rang, ruining the moment. I walked over to my desk where I'd left it, looking at the Caller I.D.: Frank.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Roslyn, hi. I was wondering if you wanted to hang and just blow the rest of the day off…maybe see a movie or something. There's gotta be something on. We can sit in the back and throw popcorn and skittles at people and laugh at how stupid the movie is."

I smiled. That actually sounded like loads of fun. It was a Saturday morning, and I had no immediate plans. It would have been the perfect idea if Gerard hadn't been in my bedroom right now, sitting on my bed after spending the night over.

"It sounds great, Frank," I told him. "Is it cool if Gerard comes with us? He's sort of over right now."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. "It's the morning…"

I wasn't sure what to say back to that. Yeah, it was morning. And Gerard usually didn't like to get out of bed past noon, and definitely not after he'd had his doughnuts and coffee and watched any cartoons left on TV, so it was definitely weird he was over. I opened my mouth, but Frank was already talking again.

"You know, I really don't want to know why he's over there. It's fine, he can come. It'll be fun, all three of us hanging out."

Then he hung up. I sighed as I put down my phone and walked over to Gerard. Why was my life suddenly playing out as a fucking _Twilight_ novel? "Um, Frank wants to hang out, so we gotta get ready and stuff."

He looked down at his clothes; his black skinny jeans and black silk button down, which was now wrinkled from spending the night in it. He would have to change; Frank saw what he was wearing last night. He could get away with wearing the same pair of jeans, since mine weren't going to fit him. But his shirt would have to go. I rooted around in my drawer for a larger one of my band t-shirts, and extracted one of my Beatles shirts my dad had given me and handed it to him.

"Thanks," he muttered, and I turned around to look through my closet for my own clothes to wear as he began to unbutton his black shirt. I aimlessly shoved shirts to the side, trying not to let my curiosity get the best of me and turn around while he was changing. I couldn't help imagining what he looked like without one on…I mean, this _was_ Gerard we were talking about.

I held my breath and resisted the urge to turn around. I randomly took a long sleeved gray shirt and my favorite pair of jeans off its hangers. I called them my lucky pair of jeans. There wasn't really anything special about them—they were just a little worn and had a few holes in places, and splatters on paint on the knee where I'd accidentally flung a paint brush on them. But for some reason I always seemed to have a good day whenever I wore the jeans. And since I was a firm believer in superstitions, and I needed a healthy dose of good luck, I decided I was going to wear them, just for good measure.

When I finally turned around, Gerard had the Beatles shirt on and was at my mirror, trying to tame his wild hair. I smirked a little, thinking he spent more time on his looks than I did...except he purposely did the whole homeless look so people would think he didn't spend any time at all on his looks. It was quite a fascinating process.

"I'll get ready in the bathroom," I told him. "You can use any of my makeup if you want."

"Thanks, Ros."

I left him, shutting the door behind me and escaping into my bathroom. I changed out of my pajamas and put my lucky jeans and gray top on, and then debating on whether or not to give Gerard back his Misfits jacket, or to continue wearing it. I was bound to get cold again, but I didn't want to be annoying and hog his jacket. Besides, since we were back at my house, I had my own stash to choose from. And he was probably going to get cold, too. It gets quite chilly in September.

I set the jacket down next to the sink and looked at myself in the mirror, making a face. Instead of dealing with my hair, I just put it back in a low ponytail and exited the bathroom.

Back in my room, Gerard was using my black eyeliner. He finished what he was doing, and I handed him his jacket back. He smiled at me. "Keep it. It looks better on you anyway."

I smiled back at him, and put the jacket on, zipping it up. The sleeves were too ling, and the jacket in general was too big, but it was comfortable. And it smelled like Gerard. "Ready?" I asked, slipping on a pair of checkered Vans.

"Not putting on any makeup?"

I shrugged. I didn't really feel like it. "Some of us look good naturally."

"Ouch!" he said, shoving me playfully.

We left my house and walked over to Frank's, who was sitting on the roof of his Trams Am and languidly smoking a cigarette.

"Change of plans," he stated. "Nothing good's on at the movies. And I gotta get my costume stuff if it's gonna be ready by Halloween."

I'd almost forgotten Halloween was at the end of next month. My Ziggy Stardust costume wasn't going to fix itself.

"Right. Gotta get my stuff, too." If I had enough money for it. Belleville wasn't exactly the richest place on earth.

Frank drove us to the mall, and he and Gerard talked jovially about past Halloweens they've had, running from the cops and laughing so hard Frank almost peed and Mikey was wheezing to death, which almost gave them up. Their stories could entertain me all day.

We blew the rest of the day off, as promised by Frank, by just going crazy in the mall stores. I dragged them into Victoria's Secret, and I thought I was going to have a fit when they held hands and asked the clerk what was a good outfit for them to wear at their drag queen fashion show. The look on the lady's face was priceless. Then we had a bit of a thong fight before the lady threatened to bring the manager out.

Then we made our way to Bath and Body Works, where we kept spraying different perfumes on each other until we were like a walking perfume store we smelled so strong.

After getting kicked out of there, we just walked around, people watching and being absolutely obnoxious. At one point, Gerard and I spotted our Physics teacher and we ran like idiots from her. It was a perfect Saturday spent with my two best guy friends, who weren't fighting like they had been recently. We were all getting along and everything. It was really refreshing not to have someone fighting over me, or whatever the hell their problem was.

And then Frank and Gerard discovered the candy store and freaked out. They went on a rampage. Frank found skittles and hoarded them. Gerard was posing chocolate covered coffee beans into a plastic bag, which made me laugh, because it was so them. I swear, they were like little kids when it came to sugar and candy.

We spent what felt like _hours_ in the candy shop. Frank was all hopped up on sugar and bouncing around even more then his usual hyper self. But then Gerard got a call from Mikey, and he told us he had to go.

On the way home I realized we didn't actually buy anything for our costumes, which made us all laugh. "I'm sure I've got what you guys need at my grandma's. Just come over after school on Monday. Mikey and I are spending the day over there."

We dropped him off at his house and I climbed into the front seat, even though our houses weren't so far away from Gerard's.

"Today was fun," I told him.

"It was. But I would've rather spent the whole day with just you."

I laughed. I knew that was coming. "It's still today, and we're alone. I don't have to leave if you don't."

"Good. I miss spending time with you, Roslyn."

I touched his arm as he expertly pulled into his driveway and killed the engine. "I know. I'm sorry. I miss our smoke breaks and philosophical conversations, too."

"Right." We got out of the car and walked up to his bedroom and sat down on his bed.

"Now," he said. "This is the part where, in all seriousness, you tell me what's going on with you, me, and Gerard."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY it took me forever to upload this chapter! I had it on a hiatus, because I just couldn't focus my brain enough to write it. And then school started, and I'm at a new school, and it's senior year. And I had auditions for the musical (which I got a part in), so things were kinda busy for me. I had to sit myself down and force myself to finish the chapter once people started asking if I was still updating the story. I'm deeply sorry to those of you who have been waiting for me to get a new chapter out. It's here, and I hope you like it. I will definitely try to get out my chapters much faster now that my brain is in fan fiction mode again. Next chapter a lot is happening, but I have a feeling it's going to be a long chapter, so I'll try and get it out to you all as soon as possible. And now I'll shut up and let you guys read.**

**xo, Hailee**

Chapter Twelve:

I swallowed convulsively. "What are you talking about, Frank?"

"You know, I do talk to his younger brother. He said Gerard hadn't been home all night. Then he was at your house. It doesn't take a genius to see he clearly likes you. And after what happened last night with us…I just thought maybe you'd given up on me and gone after something simpler."

I glanced down at my fidgeting hands and away from the hurt in his hazel eyes. "Do you want the absolute truth?" I told him.

"That would be nice."

"Gerard did sleep at my house last night." I looked back up at Frank to gauge his reaction. His face was wiped of all emotion. I continued. "But there was nothing like…_that_ going on. He walked me home, I invited him in, we talked for a long time, and then we fell asleep. That's it. In fact, until I told Gerard otherwise, he thought you and I were sleeping together. I mean, do _all_ you guys think I just sleep around?"

Frank caught my hand and scooted closer to me on the bed. "Of course not. But you were a little drunk last night, and I've seen what you do sometimes when you go overboard." He was referring to that night I'd given him a lap dance to prove a point.

"Ros, I guess you know how Gerard and I stand with you."

"You both have feelings for me." I winced as the words came out. I didn't like two best friends having to fight for my attention. But I knew I wasn't exactly helping the situation when I continued to lead both of them on.

"We've been wanting to talk to you for a while about it, but then you had that episode at school and Gerard and I thought it best to bring it up at a later time."

"You been the day you guys showed up when Alicia was over," I deduced.

Frank nodded.

"I'm not trying to screw you guys over," I said.

"Ros, I know. It's our fault for fighting about it, not yours. We just…"

"Want to know where I stand," I finished for him.

He let out his breath and I sucked mine in. I didn't want to lie to him but I didn't want to tell him I was holding all my hope out for Gerard. I decided half-truths didn't hurt.

"I'm…not sure yet. Obviously I feel something for both of you, I just have to sort everything out and see. I wish I could give you a better answer."

Frank's Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed, and gave me a tentative smile. "It's okay. Take your time." He put a hand on the back of my head and kissed my forehead, then got up off the bed.

The gesture shocked me. I didn't know why. I mean, there were many sides to Frank, and I'd seen this side before, but this time it really fazed me.

"It's been a long day," I told him. "I should go."

"Okay."

I let myself out of his front door and walked over to my house. I spent the rest of the night with my door locked, my lights turned off, and The Devil Wears Prada playing loudly through my headphones.

The rest of the weekend I kept to myself, ignoring any of the calls from the guys and tried to wrap my head around things. We were supposed to be going over to Gerard and Mikey's grandma Elena's house that Monday after school, and I didn't want to act weird, since no doubt Frank shared the news of my own bitter confusion with Gerard. I just had to act normal and like nothing happened, which was easier said than done when it came to me and showing emotions.

When Monday morning rolled around, I groaned as I got up from a restless night of no sleep. I just dabbed a bit of concealer under my eyes, and that was that. I hoped one of the guys weren't going to say anything about it.

Frank's Trans Am rolled on by me as I walked my way to school. He stopped as usual to see if I wanted a ride. "You're gonna be late if you walk the whole way."

It was true, I decided, as I glanced down at my phone for the time. I was going to be late if I didn't get a ride. I swung around to the passenger's side and got in his car.

"You okay?" he asked, studying me from the corner of his eyes.

"Perfect," I told him, though the edge in my voice made it very clear I was lying.

Frank didn't push for any answers, though, for which I was grateful. Nirvana was coming from the stereo, and I smiled a little. "Since when did you listen to Nirvana?" I asked him.

"I always have. It's just been a while. You keep reminding me I should listen to them more."

I don't know why that put a smile to my face, but it did. Goddamn it, why did Frank have to be so sweet? I hated myself for being placed in this position.

We listened to Nirvana during the ride, and then we went our separate ways. I spent class time not focusing on work, but developing all the different ways in my mind to talk to Frank and Gerard about what was going on. I mean, how does one go about telling their best friends, sorry, I think I should just be friends with you, but not the other? It was bound to stir up trouble, which I'd definitely had enough of in Florida.

By Guitar class I was physically panicking on what to do or say. Thank God it was a blow off class; I just sat in a corner, pulled my hood up, shut my eyes, and blasted my metalcore music that always helped me think, weird as that it. After shattering solos and magnificent breakdowns, I decided to get today over with at Gerard's grandma's house, to wait until this whole thing was over with and my birthday had passed. Making the decision of what to say seemed like the first I should make as an adult.

When the bell rang for lunch, I was in an okay mood—okay enough to join in Mikey and Ray's conversation of who would win in a fight if Marvel and DC Universes collided. I swore Superman would always win, Mikey thought Batman would, and Ray was convinced either the Hulk or Punisher would prevail.

We started a project in Pre-Calc class, which the Devil Bitch decided to be nice and pair me with Alicia for. She knew exactly what we were doing, while I was completely lost. "Dude!" I yelled after she tried to explain to me functions for the fifth time. "You're a _sophomore_. How in the hell are you taking this class?"

Alicia shrugged. "I don't know, math was always easy for me. I took extra classes over the summer, because I was bored in class. Everyone knows this teacher is a complete bitch, but at least the math is a little bit of a challenge."

I shook my head at her. I'd tell her to be less smart, but she was probably going to be the reason I passed this class and graduated.

Alicia and I walked out to the parking lot to meet Frank and Gerard. They were already smoking cigarettes by the time we reached them. "God," Alicia said. "We're not even five minutes out of class and they're already killing their lungs. Glad Mikey isn't as addicted as them."

At the mention of Mikey, he was sitting in the back of Frank's car. Alicia slid in next to him and he put an arm around her, pulling her closer to him.

We waited for Frank and Gerard to finish their cigarettes, and then we drove. I sat in the back with Alicia and Mikey, who were being nice and talking to me, instead of making out, like I knew they wanted to. They'd have plenty of time for that later, though.

Her house wasn't too far away from the Way house. It was quaint and cute. Mikey and Gerard just burst in the door yelling "Grandma!" and their grandma showed up, enveloping both boys in enormous hugs. Neither seemed to mind; they hugged her back just as tightly.

"Grandma, you remember Frank and Alicia," Gerard said.

"Of course. Nice to see you two again." She shook both their hands.

Then she turned to me. "Who's this?"

"This is Roslyn."

"Is she your girlfriend?"

Frank beside me choked and Gerard's hands went up to muss his hair. His grandma's eyes gleamed as she shook my hand.

"No, Grandma, she's not."

"Hmm. Perhaps maybe later."

"So," Gerard started, quickly trying to change the subject, "Frank, Roslyn, and I were gonna get a head start on out Halloween costumes, if that's cool."

"Absolutely! Pick out whatever fabrics you want. I'll teach you guys how to make them. You know where it is."

We followed Gerard to a back room. There were bins with all kinds of fabrics in every different color imaginable. There was a table at the back wall with art supplies all over it, and next to that was a piano with sheet music littering the closed top. I wondered if maybe his grandma was the reason Gerard was so talented.

We spent a lot of time just looking through all of the bins for what we needed. My Ziggy Stardust costume would be pretty easy, but I didn't know how Frank was going to pull his off. He needed to make a rabbit head. I didn't know what the rest were doing.

I turned around to ask and realized Mikey and Alicia were gone. That made me smile. I didn't think the others had noticed the missing couple yet. Instead of addressing their absence, I asked Gerard what costume he was making.

He sighed loudly and stopped looking in his bin. "I have no idea. Not this year. I was hoping just looking around would give me an idea. Maybe I won't dress up this year."

"That's not fun," I replied.

Frank chuckled. "You'll feel left out at Roslyn and my costume birthday party. Right?"

I frowned. I forgot we'd talked about joining our birthdays. "Absolutely. If you have to, recycle. Or be a vampire or something."

Gerard made a face.

I made another suggestion. "You and Mikey could go as Batman and Robin?"

"I can actually see that," Frank agreed. "You two haven't been superheroes in like 10 years."

"You're never too old for superheroes," I added.

Gerard grinned. "I think I'll just help you be Ziggy Stardust for now. Have you found any striped material?"

"Nope, still looking."

"Damn. I'm sure Grandma Elena has something in here you can use…Are you doing the hair, too?"

I laughed. "Of course. But I'm not dyeing it orange, I'm spray painting it. Also I need you to do the makeup, since I fail at art and you're amazing."

"That I can help with. Just print out a reference photo and I'll replicate it."

"Thanks, Gee. You're the best." I leaned in and kissed his cheek.

Frank cleared his throat, and I almost cussed. I'd totally forgotten he was in the room with us. "Sorry, Frank. Do you want a kiss, too?"

"Yes, I do," he said confidently.

I skipped over to his side and kissed his left cheek, then wrapped an arm around his torso. "I love you, Frankie," I told him before letting go and skipping back over to Gerard's side. Then I focused my attention on making my costume.

The room was completely silent for a few moments.

Then: "Roslyn's scary when she's happy."

"Yeah, really scary."

"Shut up," I murmured, then giggled, not letting the guys take me seriously. They teased me for my good mood the rest of the day.

That's how we spent every Monday after school: working on our costumes at Grandma Elena's house. And hands down that woman was the nicest, most patient lady ever. Some days she would play the piano for us while we worked. Gerard would hum some tune I'd never heard before and I'd strain my ears to try and listen.

Other days, when we asked her to, she'd help us make our costumes. Gerard had decided to take Frank's and my advice and go for Batman, while Mikey was Robin. Once we got our materials, his grandma taught us how to sew. Or, rather, _tried _to teach us. Actually, I was the only one having trouble with it, Gerard was making his costume fine.

"I just…I don't _understand_," I fumed one day. "My stitches are crooked. How are yours so perfect?" I asked Gerard.

Gerard just grinned at me and went back to sewing on the black cape. He'd made an updated version of the Batman symbol, and was planning to put that design on the front of his costume.

"Gerard spent years watching me sew, dear. Don't worry, not everyone understands it."

Then she would get up off the piano stool halfway through a Rachmaninoff song to stand behind me and watch me work. She'd interrupt me and show me exactly what I was doing wrong, until I'd kind of sort of got the hang of the whole thing.

Frank stopped coming with us after a couple of weeks. There was little he had to do for his costume besides the bunny head, and he told us he'd gotten that covered. Mikey was excused to hang out with Alicia instead of being with us. That just left Gerard, his grandma, and I.

And that created a lot of bonding time. His grandma—who told me to refer to her as Grandma Elena—would provide me stories about Gerard and Mikey when they were younger, and how adorable they were. I especially loved her story about Gerard playing Peter Pan in the school play. That one always made him blush, and I liked seeing him like that.

Of course, then he'd force me to tell an equally embarrassing story to him about my childhood, and I wouldn't budge. So he decided to tickle me to death until I gave in, which I eventually did. I told him about my Phantom of the Opera obsession, and how I used to act out the entire play and dress up and do my hair and makeup like Christine. He laughed and said this didn't surprise him at all, since I was such a dramatic actress now. I'd stick my tongue out at him and continue working on my costume.

It was the last day, and I was almost finished. And that tore something inside of me. While I was eager to accomplish the job and finally wear my homemade Ziggy Stardust costume on Halloween, on the other hand I was nowhere near ready for my days with Gerard to end. They'd become therapeutic for me. And every day I spent getting closer to Gerard, the less hard it was to find a way to tell Frank I just wanted to be friends. I was growing.

That was the thing about these days with Gerard. I'd been so worried that our addictive personalities would clash and we'd be in a downward spiral of our own self-destruct. But it was been the complete opposite. I smile more. I'm laughing. I'm relying less and less in music to cheer me up and more and more on just the mere company of my friends. I hadn't cut myself in a long time, and I hadn't burned myself since that day in the bathroom. And one of the most important: I'd definitely noticed a decrease in my drinking. Mine and Gerard's.

But probably the most significant thing was my dad's letter. I'd opened my closet doors, and Daisy's case was just looking there, daring me to open her. I lugged her case out and placed it on the bed. I opened it and held her, running my fingers delicately over her strings and cradled her. It felt right holding Daily again. I felt complete. Chord after chord filled my mind of all the songs by dad taught me on her, and I sat on my bed and played them all.

It didn't hurt as much as I expected it to. Tears had streamed down my face, but I didn't curl up into a ball and will myself to be numb. Missing my dad still really hurt—obviously I wasn't going to get over his death that easily—but the pain and the guilt had decreased. Almost to the point where I was okay opening the letter and reading his last words to me. But in the end, I'd put it back in the case, because I was just too scared to face what he'd say to me.

"Looking good," Gerard commented, startling me out of my thoughts. I stared at him for a moment, and then realized he was referring to my costume.

I cleared my throat before talking back. "Yeah, finally. After screwing up a million times."

"Don't sweat it. It was your first time sewing."

I packed my supplies back up in their boxes and folded my now finished costume. It was just Gerard and I in the room with now. Grandma Elena was baking cookies.

"Still not as good as yours."

"You'll look amazing in it, Ros. Grandma Elena measured everything out to fit your body. With the hair and makeup, everyone will be totally jealous of you."

"Same goes for you, Batman. Bet no one's ever been a gothic superhero to the heights you're taking it."

He grinned. "So how's this party thing going to work?" He asked me.

"Oh. Just show up at Frank's house and when everyone gets there, we're going trick or treating. Then we're having the party. His mom's letting us have the house."

"Yeah, his mom's pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah, she is."

"You guys aren't seriously going to make me do that bullshit ritual, are you?"

I laughed. "First of all, the ritual isn't bullshit. It's an ancient Celtic ceremony performed at exactly midnight on Samhain. And second of all, for a guy who claims to love the supernatural, you sure are scared to death of it."

He scowled. "Bitch. Fine, I'll do it!"

I smiled widely at him. "See? It's not that hard. Plus you've got me to protect you."

He winked at me. And then we launched into a discussion about Broadway plays, which I found out he was very fond of, and ate Grandma Elena's delicious chocolate chip cookies, until she finally kicked us out, and we walked home in the dark.

The day was over and we were finally finished making our costumes. A part of me was torn it was over. But another part of me sat anticipating what was yet to come.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Hi, guys. You're lucky I feel like being in a writing mood this week. As promised, I got this chapter out faster than I have in the past. I've been looking forward to writing this chapter for a while now, since some important stuff happens. What I can tell you, is that when you finish reading this chapter, don't be mad at any of the characters because reasons and explanations are already set in place for further chapters. If anyone wants to know, I have NO idea how long this story will be. I have A LOT of ideas for these characters, and I can keep the ball rolling for a long while. That is, if you guys want me to. Reviews are appreciated.**

**xo, Hailee**

Chapter Thirteen:

I woke up the morning of the 28th by my phone's incessant buzzing. Lifting my mind out of the fog, I checked the Caller ID, and saw Gerard was calling. I grinned at his name and then answered.

"Hello?" I said groggily.

"Happy birthday!" he gushed loudly. I winced and pulled the phone away from my ear, turning him on speaker phone.

"Why are you so cheerful this early in the morning?" I complained. Gerard was usually just as bad as me, and incredibly non-cheerful before his standard multiple cups of coffee.

"It's your 18th, I have to be cheerful."

I rolled my eyes, but I knew I was still smiling. Damn Gerard for being so thoughtful. "Well, thank you for the birthday cheer."

"You're welcome, Ros. Did I wake you up?"

I laughed and got out of bed, looking at myself in the mirror. My hair looked like a bird's nest. "Yeah, you did. But I needed to get up anyway." I descended the stairs to the kitchen, and put on a cup of coffee, switching my phone off speaker and cradled it up to my ear.

"Is Frank picking you up today?"

"Uh huh."

The coffee pot gurgled. I leaned against the counter, waiting for Gerard to respond.

"Okay. Well, I will see you at school for your amazing day. Love you, Ros." He hung up before I could say anything back.

I chuckled, not really knowing what his call was about. I dismissed the weirdness by drinking coffee and hopping in the shower. When I got out, I wrapped the towel around me and wiped the steam from the mirror. Then I just sat there, staring at myself, trying to think of positive things about myself. I supposed I had good hair…I mean, it looked decent any way I fixed it. The black dye had faded to my natural auburn, inherited from my dad. My eyes would be pretty, if they weren't so haunted. Demons lurked inside of them, tainting the beautiful clear blue color. Maybe that's why I seemed to connected to Kurt Cobain. We had the same eyes: colors and demons.

With a shake of my head, I left the room and put on my green skinny jeans and my Misfits shirt. By the time I checked the clock again, it was time to leave. I looked out my bedroom window and saw Frank's Trans Am leaving his driveway. I guess it was going to be a no makeup day. I gathered my things, and threw Gerard's jacket over my arm, and left the house.

Frank was out of his car, sitting on the hood with that ridiculously cute grin on his face. "Happy birthday," he said, and enveloped me in a long hug. I snuggled into his warm, comfortable chest, smelling hid cologne and faint traces of Marlboro cigarettes. I didn't want to let go.

But I knew I had to. "Thank you," I murmured, and backed out of his embrace. He opened the door for me and drove us to campus.

As soon as I got there, the whole gang bombarded me with happy birthdays and hugs. People stared at us incredulously, since we mostly never talk or act like this around people. I think it scared them for than our normal attitude did.

"Presents at lunch, okay?" Frank said.

"Um, no!" I yelled. "I told you all no presents. Please tell me you all didn't actually buy me stuff."

They all looked around at each other. "No!" I whined again.

"It was just small stuff," Frank offered, trying to make me feel better about it.

It didn't help. But the bell rang, and it didn't give me a chance to complain further.

In Physics, instead of doing practice problems, Gerard handed me a drawn picture. He drew a picture of David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust, with a bubble quote saying, "And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations; they're quite aware of what they're going through." It was from Bowie's song _Changes_. It was also one of my favorite quotes. On the back of the picture Gerard had written happy birthday to me and signed it. I squeezed his arm in thanks and appreciation, since we weren't allowed to talk.

As promised, at lunch they gave me their small gifts. Frank gave me a Black Veil Brides lanyard, Ray gave me Nirvana's _Live at Reading_ cd, Mikey and Alicia made a collage of the lyrics to my favorite songs, and Christa got me these zipper earrings I've been wanting for a while. I thanked them all, even though I hadn't asked for their gifts.

After school we all spent the rest of the day together. We weren't really doing anything special. Alicia was helping me with homework while the guys played an Armor For Sleep album and argued about some comic book character.

I didn't enter my house until about 11 that night. When I turned on my bedroom lights, I noticed there was a small box on my bed, with an envelope attached to it. I quickly opened the envelope and read the letter inside.

'Dear Roslyn,

I know I haven't been the greatest mother around. I've been worried about everything, trying to make sure you're never hurt. I'm sorry if that's pushed you away or made you hate me.

I'm not good with words, so I guess all I can tell you is that I'm proud of you.

Happy 18 years.'

She didn't sign it.

But it meant a lot to me. I opened the small box, and my jaw dropped. Inside it were tickets to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert that I'd wanted to crape up some money for. I had no idea she even knew I liked the band. I guess she'd been paying more attention to me than I gave her credit for.

I went to bed, thinking this was the best birthday I've ever had.

Happy 18th to me.

_**~!#$%^&***_

Nothing eventful happened for the next couple of days at school. We spent Friday night and Saturday hanging out and planning just exactly what we were going to do for Halloween. None of us felt like trick or treating for too long. The others also nixed Frank and my idea for the Celtic Samhain ritual, so that was off the table. They just wanted to drink booze and smoke and listen to loud music like any other typical teenager.

I didn't know how any of us were going to get to school the next day. As bad fortunes would have it, Halloween happened to fall on a Sunday. That Monday morning was going to be extra brutal for all of us.

First thing I did when I woke up the morning of the 31st was to call Frank and wish him a happy birthday. He was in really good spirits when I talked to him, but had to get off the phone because his dad had just gotten over there. I knew how much Frank admired his dad, so I let him go. I hopped in the shower, and then went downstairs for breakfast.

My mom was sitting at her laptop, clanking away on the keys and drinking her morning coffee. I poured a cup for myself and grabbed a muffin and sat down across from her. "Thank you for the letter and gift," I told her. "You didn't have to apologize to me."

She shut the top of her laptop. "I know I didn't have to, Roslyn. But you needed to hear it. I know I've been hard on you. It's just you've changed so much these last two years, and I was worried about you. After your break up with Tyler, you stopped hanging out with Shelby and Kayla. You all used to be attached at the hip. I wanted to know what was wrong, and you pushed me and your father away. I guess I pushed back too hard."

I swallowed. Truth was, I'd started pulling away from everyone when I started dating Tyler, not after. But I didn't want to rehash those memories. Today was supposed to be a good day, and those thoughts were making my brain hurt. I didn't want to be in a foul mood for this party.

"It was my fault, too. I'm sorry on my part for what I've said and done. I know you don't realize now what I'm doing, but later you'll understand."

My mom blinked. "Did you just quote the Bible? Roslyn, since when did you read the Bible I got you?"

I shrugged. "Since forever."

She smiled a little. "Well, today's Halloween. I know it's your favorite holiday. What are your plans?"

"Gerard's coming over to help me with my costume, and then my friends and I are just going to hang and have fun."

"By 'hang', do you mean party?" she inquired.

"Yes," I answered slowly. I didn't want to lie to her.

She nodded thoughtfully. I couldn't read her facial expression. "Have fun," she told me. Then she went back to her work.

I finished my food and coffee and tried to let lost in an Ellen Hopkins novel. One of the characters, Whitney, just got tricked by her loser boyfriend Bryn into doing heroin when there was a knock on my door and Gerard came in, his Batman costume over his shoulder.

"Hey!" I grinned.

"Whatcha reading?" he asked.

I held the cover up. "_Tricks_ by Ellen Hopkins. What's that about?"

"Kids turning tricks. It's a fascinating novel."

He shook his head at me. "Well, take a break from it. We need to get ready. You've got that makeup stuff, right? I still haven't gotten some of my own. I feel weird buying eyeliner for myself, ya know?"

I laughed. "Yeah, it's in my bathroom drawer."

"Cool."

He left my room to do his makeup. I got into my costume and then straightened my hair and grabbed the bobby pins and colored hairspray. Gerard came back while I was working on my hair and changed into his costume. I moved over so he could straighten his hair, too.

After we were both pretty much ready, I held still while Gerard drew on the lightning bolt on my face. It took him a while, but that's only because he wanted it to be absolutely perfect.

"There," he said softly as he put on the finishing touches, "you're perfect."

I looked up into his hazel eyes. "Thanks," I said. He nodded in acknowledgement, then sucked in a breath.

I was so lost in his eyes. The depth of them astounded me, how clear and virtuous they were. I felt like I was slowly sinking into this happy oblivion, falling into the abyss, the sure unknown. But it was a good feeling. I'd braced myself for the fall, and was ready to find out the truth of the matter.

I felt the warmth of Gerard's hand through the fabric on my side. I was dying to move closer to him, see how close we could get until we fused into one. Slowly I dropped my eyes to his lips, stood on my tip-toes, and leaned into him.

My lips burned. They parted, and Gerard deepened the kiss. Our mouths moved slowly, sensuously. My hands found their way into his hair as he slipped his tongue into my mouth. I couldn't feel anything else but him, and this urge to never stop kissing him, to never let go of this euphoria I was feeling. Gerard's lips were heaven.

But it ended too soon. He disengaged himself from me, backed away with shock and horror written all over him. Our breathing was labored as we stood there, trying to find words. He spoke first.

"I…I'm sorry. I can't do this, Ros. I can't…be with you like that."

My blood boiled behind my skin. "Why?"

"Because I…I just _can't_."

I formed a wry smile. "What's the problem, Gerard? I thought this was what you wanted. I thought you wanted a decision." He just stared at me. I wished I knew what was going on in his mind. "Or did you finally realize I wasn't good enough for you?"

Gerard opened his mouth as if to say something, and then shut it. I waited for a response. All he said was a whispered "I'm sorry". And I was drowning in my self-loathing.

My phone buzzed on the dresser. It was Frank, texting me. "Where are you guys?" it read. My mood had dissipated.

I cleared my throat before speaking. "Frank needs us. We should go."

"Roslyn—"

"Don't, Gerard," I cut him off. "Just don't."

I grabbed my purse from my bed and shoved an extra pair of clothes in there and some makeup remover. I walked out of my house without glancing to see if Gerard was following.

I let myself in Frank's house and automatically assumed a cheery disposition. I was _not_ going to ruin Frank's night. I gave him a birthday hug and chatted a little too enthusiastically with Alicia.

I stayed by Frank's side for the first half of our trick or treating session. "How was your day?" I asked him as we walked in a neighborhood.

"Good! My dad gave me a new guitar. It's an Epiphone. I think I'm gonna name her."

"That's awesome, Frank."

"Yeah," he sighed. "Thanks for the call this morning. How was your day?"

I decided to omit the details of my Gerard kiss fiasco. "Good. My mom and I talked. I think we're making some progress in our relationship."

"That's awesome, Ros. I know how much that means to you."

"Yeah," I whispered, and leaned my head against the arm mine was linked into.

Then Gerard stole Mikey from Alicia, claiming Batman needed his Robin, and I kept Alicia company. She was Little Red Riding Hood, and looked absolutely adorable.

After awhile, the trick or treating scene was getting boring. There were no vulnerable kids to scare, and no cops to get in trouble with. We made our way back to Frank's house and the party had finally begun.

My first mission was to find a bottle of expensive vodka and drown myself in it. There was no way I could get through tonight with Gerard right there while being sober. I just wanted to drink until I faded away. I grabbed a bottle of Grey Goose, uncorked the top, and took a swig before joining the others with their open bottles of beer.

Soon enough, drinking just wasn't the solution. I couldn't get drunk enough for distract myself from Gerard. I wasn't working, and I was about to burst. "I'm going to get out of this costume," I told the group, and shut myself in Frank's bathroom, hyperventilating. I turned the shower on and stripped out of my clothes, standing under the hot water.

Tears just fell from my eyes. I was drowning in their flood. The sobs wouldn't stop. I slid on the tub ground and curled my knees to my chest, hoping to stop hurting so bad. What was wrong with me? How could I be this person that Gerard cared about one day, this person he fought for, and then be nothing the next? What it all a joke? Was I just some charity case? Make Roslyn fall hopelessly in love and then take it all away from her?

I just can't handle it. The vodka wasn't taking me far enough into the netherworld. I needed an escape. I took Frank's shaving razor and pressed it, pressed it hard against the skin of my wrist and slid it across. There was the familiar sting and bubbles of blood rose on the surface. It wasn't enough. I just kept going, swiping the razor across flesh, tearing it open, until I just couldn't anymore. Until there wasn't enough in me to keep going.

I stayed in the shower with my knees curled up until the bleeding stopped and I'd run out of tears. Then I washed the hairspray out of my hair. Out of the shower, I dried off, put the clothes on I'd taken with me, and used my makeup remover to get rid of my running makeup.

My eyes were red as I stared at my reflection in the mirror and my wrist was still aching. I chugged more vodka from the bottle, then unlocked the bathroom door and stumbled into Frank's bedroom.

He was sitting on his bed. He didn't speak as I sat beside him. I drank a little more.

"You were gone a long time," he said. "I came to see if you were okay. I worry about you, Roslyn."

"I'm fine," I told him.

"You're not fine, you're drunk."

"I am not drunk," I protested. I wasn't. The world wasn't even fuzzy, the room was barely spinning. My mind was working fine.

"Yes, you are."

"NO, I'm not!" I yelled. "I'm just a little buzzed."

"Okay, sweetheart," he said softly. "It's okay."

I started to cry, and Frank held me. "No, it's not. Today was supposed to be special and I'm ruining it because I'm a broken alcoholic. You should have me, and I don't understand why you're so nice to me."

"You aren't a broken alcoholic," he said. He was stroking my hair soothingly. "You're just lost. And every once in a while, you seem to find yourself, and you shine brighter than anyone I've ever met. It's okay to be like this, Roslyn. It's okay to be lost."

"But I'm hurting you, and I'm hurting everyone else, and…"

"Don't worry about hurting us. We're a strong group. Just don't hurt yourself."

I sniffed and wiped my tears. I wanted another drink, but I didn't think he'd let me. "Frank?"

"Yeah, Ros?"

"I cut myself. Tonight. With your razor."

He was silent. "I know," he finally said.

We didn't talk anymore. He just held me as I calmed myself down. It took awhile, and the alcohol was beginning to take effect. I was starting to get sleepy. But I loved the way this felt, wrapped up in Frank's arms like this. I liked knowing there was someone who cared about me, that was going to be there through my breakdown. I didn't want to fall asleep on him.

"Frank?" I asked again.

"Yeah?"

"I love you, you know."

"I love you, too."

"No. Like I really love you. As in…in love with you."

I looked up at him through my sleepy lids. Breathed small, shallow breaths. Frank's hand paused stroking my hair for a minute before resuming at his normal pace. "You're tired," he said. "You should go to sleep. I'll wake you up in the morning."

He shifted to get up and I stopped him. "No. Please…please don't leave me," I pleaded. "I don't want to be alone."

"I won't leave," he told me. "But you'll sleep better with the lights off."

I let him up to turn them off, and then he laid down right next to me. I cuddled into his arms, feeling dizzy and scared and like my brain was going to explode. I needed sleep. But first…

"I mean it," I persisted. "I do love you. More than I love myself. Do you love me?"

"You know I do," he responded.

"Do you want to be with me?"

He sighed. "Yes, Roslyn, I do. But—"

"But nothing. We should be together tonight. Being with you…it makes me feel like I matter. I don't want to let that go."

He pulled me away from him and looked me in the eyes. "I do love you, Ros. And I want to be with you…but not tonight. We'll talk in the morning, okay?"

My brain was too filled with buzzing and things were too fuzzy for me to focus on what he was saying.

"'Kay," I mumbled, and snuggled back into his embrace.

I fell away into dreamland.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: So I got this out, in spirit of my excitement from the MCR/Blink 182 concert I went to on Tuesday. Let me just say: .ever. My Chem is really amazing live. I just can't believe I actually saw them, like for real! 333 Anyway, it inspired me to get some writing done. I hope you guys don't mind some of the stuff I've set up to happen.**

**xo, Hailee**

Chapter Fourteen:

When I woke up, I immediately felt nausea from last night's drinking session. I quickly ran to the bathroom and puked in the toilet. I felt someone holding my hair back for me as I did so.

After the nausea passed, I sat on the tile floor and tried to gain bearings of my surroundings. I'd woken up in Frank's room, I was in his bathroom right now. Memories started flooding back to me of the events of last night, everything that had happened. I remembered Gerard rejecting me, and my horrible talk with Frank afterwards. He'd rejected me, too. I wasn't sure why. I think I was too far gone by then to process his words.

Once my head was absolutely clear, I turned to Frank, who was sitting next to me on the floor. He helped me up, and I leaned against the sink. I didn't really know what to say to him.

"There's a spare toothbrush in the cabinet," he told me.

I took the toothbrush gratefully and brushed my teeth, tried to get the awful taste out of my mouth. I headed back into Frank's bedroom when I was finished and leaned against the door frame, studying him.

Perhaps my "sign" my dad had told me about was really a fluke. Perhaps Gerard and I weren't meant to be. Maybe it was Frank all along.

"I meant what I said last night," I told him.

"What part?" he questioned.

"There's mo reason we shouldn't be together. Unless I made up my mind too late or after last night you realized I was too damaged, or—"

"Roslyn," he interrupted. I shut up right away. "I didn't say no last night because you were too damaged. I just didn't want you to do something you'd regret. You were drunk, and didn't know what you were saying, and I wasn't going to be the sober bastard who took advantage of you."

"So you didn't believe me when I said I was in love with you?"

"No, I didn't. And I don't know what happened last night to make you upset, but I didn't want that reason to be about me."

It wasn't. It was about your best friend, who dicks with people's feelings and then discards them. But hey, it wasn't him I should have been with in the first place. I met you first. I connected with you first. It's been you, and I was too blinded to see it.

But I was thinking clearly now. I knew what I wanted. "Frank, it's not about you. It never was. In fact, you're the one thing that calms me down."

I thought about the kisses we'd shared that night at the haunted house, and how the whole world had melted away into nothing. I hadn't been ready for that kiss to end, just like with Gerard. If I was with Frank, maybe it would eclipse all thoughts of what Gerard's kiss felt like.

I decided to go for it. I leaned it, let my lips touch his. Just for a few seconds, nothing more. Just a chaste kiss, and then I backed away.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked me.

"I'm sure," I confirmed. "I really wanna be with you, Frank."

He smiled. "Well, okay then."

I laughed. "Okay then." Then it hit me. "Oh, shit, Frank, what time is it?"

"It's…" he checked his watch. "Almost time for lunch. Shit. I bet the guys have tried to get a hold of us."

I looked for my phone in my purse. "Mine's dead, but I bet you're right. We should…go or something."

I went back to my house to get dressed quickly and put on at least a little makeup so I didn't look so dead. I decided I was having a bad hair day, so I threw on a Misfits beanie and Frank and I were on our way to school.

We got there during lunch, and spotted the guys smoking at the back of the school.

"What happened to you two?" Ray asked when we'd caught up with them.

"We overslept," Frank explained.

"Together?"

I looked at Frank to see what he was thinking. "Roslyn was pretty drunk last night, so I let her stay over. I didn't think she could walk home on her own." His words were true. That really is all that happened.

"She lives two fucking houses away," Gerard said.

Frank gave him a frosty glare. "You can't walk two steps when you're pissed."

"Frank," I said quietly. I really didn't want those two fighting.

"Anyway," Ray interjected, "I've got a song I want to teach you how to play, Frank. Gerard wrote the lyrics this morning and I came up with the guitar during class. It would be a lot better if you came up with the rhythm."

"Sure," he said. "We can do it around 5 at my place. My mom's working late, and I've been dying to try out my new Epiphone."

"Are you sure Pencey Prep won't be missing their lead singer?" Gerard asked.

"You know band practice is on Thursday. It's no trouble, Gerard."

He looked like he didn't want Frank to be a part of the creative process at all, but in the end conceded to let him join.

They bantered on about guitar riffs until the bell rang. Frank walked me to my class while the others dispersed.

"What's going on with you and Gerard?" I asked as we walked the halls, hand in hand. "I thought you two were okay."

"I thought so, too. I don't know what the fuck his problem is. He'll get over it."

"Oh."

"Yeah. But I don't want to talk about Gerard." We were outside my classroom now. "Listen, can I take you home? I really want to spend some time alone with you before the guys come over. We haven't spent very much time lately hanging out just you and me."

"I'd like that," I said sincerely. In truth, I really did miss our time together. He always made the future seem bright, and the present seem completely at ease instead of the chaotic mess I really knew it was.

He grinned. "Okay." We let our entwined fingers go, and he kissed me before leaving for class. I sat in my seat, blushing. We had such a schoolyard romance. It was kind of relieving there was something normal and good in my life. It made me feel like a normal teenager again. Well, minus the popular disposition and airheaded manner. But still…normalcy was good.

Frank was waiting for me outside of Pre-Calc when the school day was over. Our hands immediately found their way to each other. Alicia, who walked out the door with me, gasped when she saw us. "Oh my god!" she cried. "Roslyn, you and Frank are dating?"

I blushed again, and fought the urge to hide. "Um, yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she demanded. "This is so amazing! You can go on double dates with Mikey and I! Oh my god, this is going to be so much fun!"

Alicia was literally jumping up and down with excitement. More people turned to glare at us and I bit mu lip, trying to fight the urge of laughing at hoe amusing she was. "We haven't actually told anyone yet," I admitted to her. "It just sort of happened."

"Is that why you guys were late?" she asked. "Mikey was trying to get a hold of you all in second period, but he couldn't. I'm glad you finally decided who to be with, Roslyn. Not to brag or anything, but I totally knew you were going to pick Frank. I could just tell it was him after our talk in the Hot Topic dressing room."

"Wait, you all were talking about me while stripping? Sounds kinda kinky."

Alicia and I both smacked him in the head, and he laughed.

Back at Frank's house, we sat on his bed for a while, just talking through some much needed discussion about issues, while I leaned against his chest and he held me. We'd been this way before, but now with the official release of us dating, the embrace somehow seemed so much more intimate than it used to.

After our issues were hashed out, Frank showed me his new white Epiphone. He plugged it in and strummed a few chords thoughtfully. "I should find a name for her," he told me. We both thought about this as he continued strumming the chords to some song I'd never heard before.

"What is that?" I asked.

"The song?" I nodded. "Oh, it's a new song my band wrote. It's called 8th Grade, about this kid who gets bullied and beat up for having a crush on this popular girl."

"I take it this is a true story?"

"Doesn't everyone like to pick on the short weird guy? I can't count the number of times I was shoved into lockers and held down by jocks so they could punch me out. They used to call me pansy every day."

That sparked an idea in me. "What if you named your guitar Pansy? You know, as kind of a fuck you to those assholes and showing them how awesome you are when you're famous."

"Roslyn, you are a genius! I love it. Welcome to the world, Pansy," he told his new guitar. He put her back in her stand and sat back down on the bed with me.

"I'm really glad I met you, Ros."

"Me too," I told him.

"Thank God for your dad's awful taste in music, or I probably would never have talked to you."

I laughed, remembering that day. "Yeah, and you wouldn't have stalked me all summer."

He looked at me with an innocent expression, but then got serious on me. "I really hope this works out between us."

"It will," I assured him. I kissed him.

Someone cleared their throat from the doorway. I looked up to find Gerard, Mikey, and Ray standing there, instruments in their hands.

"Hi," I said to them, disengaging myself from Frank's arms. He got up, too, taking Pansy off her stand and leading them into the garage, plugging her into one of his amps.

"So, show me what you guys have so far," Frank said.

"It would be a lot better if we had drums," mumbled Ray. "Too bad Bob moved to fucking Chicago without us."

Gerard searched for something and then came back with a microphone stand. "Bob knows how to use sound boards, too. Does anyone fucking know how to work one of those things to turn my mike up or whatever?"

"I do," I told him. My dad had taught me how. "I still can't believe you have all this stuff just lying around in your garage, Frank," I said as I walked over to the sound board, fiddling with the knobs.

"Blame the two other Franks before me. I come from a line of musicians."

"Try the mike, Gerard."

"Check check check," he said into the mike. He nodded to Mikey and Ray, and then Ray started to play something.

Then Gerard started singing, and everything else felt a million miles away, under the gravity of his voice.

"Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes. Then holding hands and life was perfect, just like up on the screens. And the whole times while always giving, counting your face among the living. Up and down escalators, pennies, and colder fountains. Elevators and half price sales, trapped in my all these mountains. Running away and hiding with you, I never thought they'd get me here. Not knowing you'd change from just one bite, I fought them all off just to hold you close and tight.

"But does anyone notice? But does anyone care? And if I had the guts to put this to your head. But would anything matter if you're already dead? And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said? Before I pull this trigger, your eyes vacant and stained.

"But does anyone notice? But does anyone care? And if I had the guts to put this to your head. But would anything matter if you're already dead? And now should I be shocked by the last thing you said? Before I pull this trigger, your eyes vacant and stained. And in saying you love me made things harder at best. And these words changing nothing as your body remains. And there's no room in this hell, there's no room in the next. And our memories defeat us, and I'll end this duress.

"But does anyone notice? But does anyone care? And if I had the guts to put this to your head. But does anything matter if you're already dead? And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said? Before I pull this trigger, your eyes vacant and stained. And in saying you love me made things harder at best. And these words changing nothing as your body remains. And there's no room in this hell, there's no room in the next.

"But does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?"

The emotion in the song was staggering. I couldn't believe Gerard had written something so powerfully amazing. And his voice…he was channeling the pain of the lyrics in every line.

"What if we did this with the song?" Frank asked, and started to play out a melody. Ray plated along with what he had written. They went through the song, just guitars, and Mikey on his bass, a few times before they decided what they'd come up with was good enough. Then they started over and had Gerard do vocals to see how it fit.

They were really fucking good. If Frank wasn't already committed to Pencey Prep, I'm pretty sure they would be a band right now. If they had enough material and started playing shows, I was pretty sure they would get signed. Then Frank could live out his dream and Gerard and Mikey could quit their jobs as a bag boy and a clerk at Barnes and Nobles.

I was just sitting there, thinking about where I fit into that vision as the guys were talking. Frank and Gerard were teasing each other like old times, but I was too into my thoughts to be truly happy about it. If they did form a band and get signed and make a record and become famous, where did that leave me? My unattainable dream was acting on Broadway in New York, not following my boyfriend around while his band is touring. Frank's always telling me to go for my dreams, but if I do, does that mean I couldn't be with him in the process?

I didn't want to think about that. The future was too prevalent in the mind of every senior, and I didn't want to make plans and figure everything out right now. I just wanted to live in the present, where I was sure of what's going on.

"Well, I should get home," I heard Ray say.

"So should we," Mikey commented. "Our mom wanted us home for dinner."

"All right, see you guys tomorrow," Frank told them.

"Hey, uh, Frank? Do you think I could talk to your girlfriend alone for a second?" My head shot up at Gerard's words. Why did he want to talk to me?

"You'd have to ask her."

I nodded. I was curious to know.

We both said goodbye to Frank and started walking over to my house. We sat on the porch, and I looked down at my shoes, avoiding eye contact. "So, what's up?" I asked him.

"You're dating Frank," he stated.

"Yeah, I am."

"Congrats on making your choice."

"Is there a point to this conversation?" I was aware my voice came out very sharp. But I was still pissed at him for everything that happened. I was just waiting for him to apologize or explain or something like that.

He was quiet for a long time. I scuffed at some rocks, just waiting, the sound of my shoe hitting concrete the only noise.

Then he said, "Do you hate me?"

I sighed. "I don't know, Gerard, do you hate me?"

"No."

"Really? Sure seems like you do." My voice was dripping sarcasm. But it was clear I couldn't avoid him forever, and I wasn't going to waste my time trying to be nice. I lit a cigarette to calm me down, and turned to look at Gerard beside me. His eyes looked apologetic.

"Roslyn, I could never hate you."

"Oh, but you don't want to be with me, after telling me the opposite this whole time."

"Okay, I…fuck, I know I screwed up, okay? But I just can't be with you right now. Not like that. There…there are things I just can't explain, and you're never going to understand about me. And I'm sorry for that. But as much as I do want to be with you, we need to be friends. Just for now."

"There is no 'just for now' anymore, Gerard. I put myself out there, and you rejected me. So I let it go and moved on to a relationship that's better for me. I'm with Frank now. You're too late. I'm not waiting around for you to change your mind. Not anymore."

I finished my cigarette, and then put it out. Without another word, I got up off the porch and entered my house. I practically ran up the stairs and took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. Then I checked my phone, safely charging on my bed. There was a text from Frank. 'Have a good night, baby. Pick you up for school tomorrow?'

I grinned. He knew exactly how to bring up my mood without even trying. 'Definitely', I texted back.

A few minutes later, my phone buzzed. 'Okay. See you then. I love you.'

Those last three words made me feel good, that I'd made the right decision being with Frank. He was my safety net, my stability. Nothing could ever go wrong when I was with him.

'I love you, too', I responded.

No past, no future. Just the present. Roslyn and Frank. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Hi, my lovelies! My very deep, sincere apologies for the very long wait. I was expecting to get this out MUCH sooner than I actually did. my schedule is just very hectic, and will continue to be until December 11th. So just bare with me here, peoples. I've got a lot to do between school, rehearsals right after school, and homework, and more rehearsal practice on my own. But the show is in December, so I should have some more free time after that! Even though school is still a bitch. But it always has, so I can still get updates in. HOWEVER, I think you'll probably be seeing more of me. Since I have such a bad schedule right now, I'm using my class time so write up my chapters and stuff**, **so maybe I can get this all updated faster and stuff. I hope so. I hate having to make you guys wait for new chapters. It isn't fair to you all.**

**On that note: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for anyone who has given me a review, put this story as their favorite or on a story alert, or an author alert. You guys are fantastic and super amazing and really really awesome for believing in me and this story. You all really give me the strength to continue working and hoping to get this story finished sometime this year before I go off to college and focus all my energy on my creative writing classes and I'll be so tired of writing, I have no time for my fan fictions. Lol anyways, again, you guys are really the driving force here and really make me feel like my work here matters and that I'm actually a halfway decent writer. So thank you for having some faith in me. It really does mean a lot.**

**A second note: happy belated Ieroween. Hope you guys had an amazing time. I spent practically the whole day showing people my new tattoo and fighting with my friend over whether I get to be married to Frank or if she does. But you didn't need to know that. XD YEAHH. Sorry, long note. I think I'll just let you read the chapter now. I might be lying, but hopefully I'll have another chapter this weekend. Kay. I'm seriously shutting up now. Love you all!**

**Xo, Hailee**

Chapter Fifteen:

I sighed, and stared out the car window, thinking just how different of a person I was from just a few months ago. Being here, it was the closest thing to being a whole person I could get. Things had gotten bad, so bad that I was blinded by my hurt, unable to let go of the seething guilt, the constant threat of betrayal, sending warning messages in my mind. Florida had been _horrible_. I walked the hall, a ghost passing through corporeal bodies, a slave to pain and the feeling that I deserved it. I blocked everything out, and hurt the ones I loved most, and never got to show my dad the girl he used to know before I moved.

And then I moved here, to Jersey, so incredibly pessimistic and lost in the thought that nothing good would ever come my way, and surprised when it did. So surprised, in fact, that I almost pushed it all away, the warnings in my brain firing pistols, telling me I didn't deserve any semblance of happiness, because what I had done. Because of Florida and Tyler and the rumors, and the knife that still perforated my vision, bright blood dripping off it, soaking into the carpet. My sins.

But I decided to let go. Those damn guys wouldn't let me give up on myself, and I found somewhere I belonged, with people who didn't judge and accepted my flaws as they came, without trying to change them. I found someone who I trusted with my life, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he'd never hurt me like Tyler did. Not in any way. He was nothing like Tyler. He was gentle and kind. He defended me, instead of fueling the flames. Frank was the kind of person you could spend forever with, I decided.

I squeezed his hand as I thought of how transformed I'd been the past few weeks because of him. Frank, sitting next to me driving, returned the gesture. He'd been everything to me lately. I mean, now I completely understand all those annoying couples I used to make fun of who couldn't tear away from each other for two seconds. Okay, Frank and I weren't as bad as them. It's not our fault we have the same best friends. But it's true when we weren't with them, we were together. Just for the company. I missed him when he wasn't by my side. But that anxiety was mostly quelled, since we were texting every second we were apart. Okay, maybe _obsessed_ was a better term for what Frank and I had. But neither one of us could help it. We radiated when the other was around.

Our friends just laughed. Well, Ray did. Mikey just kind of sat there; you could never really tell what he was feeling. But Alicia adored us together. I think Gerard was mostly just annoyed. Something would flicker in his features every time Frank's arm was around my waist, or we were holding hands, or something else PDA worthy. He was doing a great job trying, though. Whatever his reasons were for not being able to be with me were, he seemed to be coping just fine with my new relationship.

Gerard was the last thing on my mind today, though. Frank had promised me a day of fun in New York. Just me and him, doing whatever we want, not having to worry about friends and parents, and how increasingly depressed they were. I didn't understand what was going on with my mom. The happier I was, the sadder she became. I never saw her cry, not even when Dad died. But now she sat there on her bed, holding his leather jacket and entering dangerous zombie territory. I didn't know what to say.

"Thinking about your mom?" Frank asked.

"Is it that obvious?"

"No, I just know how to read you."

I sighed. "I've just never seen her like this before. I wish I knew what it was about."

Frank looked sympathetic.

"But I don't want to talk about that. We're supposed to be having fun."

"Yes, we are. So what do you want to do?"

I leaned back against the seat. "I don't know. Surprise me."

We were relatively quiet the rest of the way. When we got a good parking spot in the garage, Frank and I got out of his car, and we walked to our destination, his hand in mine.

I breathed the air in deep. New York air, the place of my dreams. I loved it here. It screamed magic and beauty to me.

"Ros, how much do you love me?" Frank asked as he pulled me along somewhere.

I was highly suspicious of his tone. "Not enough to climb all the steps to the top of the Statue of Liberty." I hated heights. It made me feel…I don't know, disoriented. The opposite of what I wanted to feel.

He laughed. "I'm not that mean. But it does require a little bit of heights."

He opened the door of F.A.O Schwartz, and we plunged into a kid's fantasy land, full of toys and dolls. And a freaking Ferris Wheel.

I glared at Frank, who was just grinning this stupidly adorable grin that made it impossible for me to say no to him. Then I rolled my eyes. "Fine. We can ride the Ferris Wheel."

"Yay!" He killed me, and practically ran for a place in line. I laughed at him.

"You're such a child," I told him.

"Good. It's how you're supposed to act in a store like this. You gotta loosen up and not care how stupid you look."

"You do that anyway," I commented.

"I love you too, Roslyn."

I just shook my head as we waited in line. We kept moving forward, more towards the Ferris Wheel, until it was our turn to get on. "If we stop at the top, I'm going to kill you, Frank."

"No, you won't. I'll be the one calming you down."

"Shh!"

All the people got on, and the ride started moving us upward. I clutched at Frank's led tightly, bracing for us getting stuck at the top. It happens to everyone at some point. Ugh. I hated Ferris Wheels.

Of course we did get stuck at the top. I attempted not to squeal and hide in Frank's chest. Frank, of course, laughed at me until I threatened to buy a pet tarantula and set it loose in his room. Then he shut up, 'cause he was deathly afraid of spiders. And being tickled.

The ride started moving again, and we took our chance to get off when we stopped at the bottom. "I am _never_ riding one of those things again. You're lucky I love you so much," I told Frank, who buried his face in my hair and caught my earlobe with his teeth, sending shivers down my spine.

"Stop," I whispered to him. "We're around children. Little children."

"Mmm, so?"

"Sooo I thought in a store like this we had to act like kids. This isn't kid behavior."

"Buzzkill."

"I know. They'll be plenty of time for this stuff later."

Frank took my hand and dragged me over to the stuffed animals. I laughed at how cute he looked holding one. "Wait a minute; let me take a picture of this. It's too adorable." I dug in my purse for my camera and snapped a shot.

"This better not go on Facebook," he warned.

"And if it does?" I bit my lip and grinned at him.

"Damn, stop being cute! It's impossible to say no to you."

"Ditto."

He kissed me, and I could feel myself getting lost in the kiss. I didn't want to stop. I yearned for more and more. You could get lost forever inside his kisses that take away the hurt.

I had to stop the kiss before it got too serious, and snapped another photo of him. We spend a lot of time just goofing around in stores, trying random outfits on and taking silly pictures that would look adorable on my Facebook page, along with the rest of the pictures of our group doing fun and crazy stuff. I loved proving we were just as fun as the football players and cheerleaders, and not just the brooding, depressed "emo kids".

As promised, Frank and I did have fun, and I didn't think of my mom or anything else depressing the rest of the day. On the subway, an older lady smiled at us and told us what an attractive couple we made, and how we should always trust our love in each other. Her smile was sad, as if she'd let the man of her dreams pass her by, and she didn't want me to do the same. Her words made me want to be with Frank even more.

We went back to his house after we got home from New York. It was late, but I was in such a good mood, and I didn't want to leave Frank's side. His presence was so comforting to me. He was sitting on his pillow on the bed, reading the last Harry Potter novel, and I was using his laptop to upload our pictures. In the process of tagging and writing captions, I received a message. I went to click on it, and froze.

The message was from Tyler. 'I found you. You can't run from me, Ros. I'll see you around,' it said.

My hands started trembling. I exited the page and shut the laptop, pushing it as far away from me as possible.

Frank looked up from his book. "You okay, babe?"

I was breathing heavy, but I nodded anyway. I knew he could totally see right through me. I didn't know why I pretended anymore.

"Ros?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I stated. I squeezed my eyes shut. "Distract me, please."

His weight on the bed shifted and his arms wrapped around me. I leaned against him, my back to his chest, his warm breath tickling the hair on my neck. His arms made me feel safe, secure, that Tyler could never ever hurt me again. With Frank here, I felt my heart was protected.

I opened my eyes, and twisted around to face him. "Thank you," I whispered, leaning forward and pressing my forehead against his. "You always know how to calm me down."

"Are you sure you're all right?" He asked me, tucking my hair behind one ear.

"With you here, I am. Have I mentioned how much I love you lately?"

His eyes lit up every time I told him this. And I loved seeing that light turn on inside of him. "I love you, too," he told me.

He caught my lower lip with his teeth, and I shivered. Slowly, his tongue traced the outline of my lips, and my muscles turned to putty. I wanted to kiss him so bad. I sucked Frank's tongue into my mouth and I melted into him, us moving sensually with each other. I could feel the cold metal of his lip ring. Our kiss deepened, and I let out a moan, unable to control how much Frank made me feel.

Slowly, he pushed me down towards the bed. I could feel his body lying gently on top of mine, teasing me with the thought of feeling just his naked flesh on mine, how the whisper of our skin would be. It was all-consuming.

I couldn't get Frank close enough. His erection strained through the fabric of his jeans. I wrapped my legs around his torso, pulling him closer into me, the feel of his erection turning me on. My body was resonating with the need to be closer, to be more, to completely join with him.

Frank's hands slipped their way under my hoodie, pulled it over my head. He touched the scored on my flesh with his fingers, then trailed them with tiny kisses up and down my arms, making me tremble with pure love.

I balled Frank's t-shirt in my fists, and tore it from him, unable to keep my hands from roaming over his skin, feeling his muscles, exploring the way they felt.

Somewhere along the way Frank's fingers had slipped into mine and brought our linked hands up above my head, pinning them there.

My lips felt swollen from the passion in our kisses. They were sore from the tiny nips Frank was graciously giving. I sighed as his tongue melted with mine again, and arched my body upwards, desperate to be closer to him.

Frank left my mouth, and started to plant kisses along my jawline, the pulse behind my ear, lower and lower on my throat. My breathing grew rapid as his teeth lightly grazed my skin, his tongue licking my flesh. He was such a fucking tease.

A low moan escaped me as he bit harder, and his hands trailed up the sides of my jean clad thighs wrapped around his torso. With swiftness, he unbuttoned and unzipped them, and was pulling them off of my body. His warm hands were back on my thighs, squeezing them, and my brain became fuzzy, unable to focus on the many ways Frank sent my body vibrating.

"You're so beautiful." Frank whispered in my ear. "Just like sunshine."

Terrible memories clawed themselves out of my brain.

"_Wake up, sunshine. Surprises are waiting for you. A whole day you get to spend with me. Isn't that fascinating, sweetheart? Just _you and me. _A whole day to do whatever we want with each other. Where should be start?"_

I whimpered at the memory. Suddenly my intimate embrace with Frank didn't make me feel breathless, but rather suffocating. "Frank," I said, pushing on his chest.

He disengaged himself from me, and his hazel eyes found their way to mine. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were bright pink. His breathing was heavy, just like my own.

He cleared his throat. "Sorry. Too fast, too soon."

"No, it's not that," I told him. "Seriously. I just…"

"It's whatever's bothering you."

I nodded sheepishly, hating it and loving it that he could know me this well. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't apologize, Ros. There's nothing to be sorry for." He kissed the top of my head, and I felt at home.

Frank slipped his shirt back on and I quickly pulled my jeans back on. Frank laid down beside me on his pillow, putting an arm around me, pulling me into his chest, and picked back up his Harry Potter book to read.

We both got lost in the pages and story of Ron Weasley finally getting fed up with searching for Horcruxes, so he decided to leave Hermione and Harry. I personally didn't like Ron for that, since he was leaving Hermione all broken hearted. But it was a good plot twist.

After awhile, I twisted out of Frank's embrace. "I'm gonna go take a shower," I told him. He nodded and kept reading his book. I chuckled to myself. He really got caught up in those things. I thought his love for _The Catcher in the Rye_ was bad—I mean, he even named his band Pencey Prep after Holden Caulfield's school and they just wrote a song called The Secret Goldfish—but he went all in for the Harry Potter stuff. I didn't blame him; the books and movies were pretty epic.

In the bathroom, I turned the shower on and stripped out of my clothes. The hot water ran over me, making me feel human again. I felt really bad about stopping Frank like that in the middle of everything. But it had stopped being about him, and more about remembering Tyler. His message on Facebook had me freaking out a little bit. I was paranoid that he was actually going to come down to Jersey.

Our relationship had been rocky at best, and full of things that had left me hurt. I was screwed up now. Before him, I was just some ignorant cheerleader who scoped the mall for hot guys and gossiped and took crazy pictures in the car blasting pop music with all my friends. I had been disgusted with the kids with cutting scars and metal music blasting from their large headphones and their constant fetish for death. No, it wasn't until after that my eyes finally opened, and I couldn't judge people who I empathized with.

I wasn't about to let Tyler come in and ruin everything I'd worked for. I was _happy_. I had true friends. I had a boyfriend who I was safe and comfortable with, who I was in love with and didn't want to screw anything up with. Tyler shouldn't be able to hurt me anymore. I wasn't going to let him hurt or scare me. Not anymore.

Reluctantly I stepped out of the shower and put on a pair of Soffees and a tank top I had stashed in Frank's bathroom just for these purposes. I didn't want to go home tonight. My fingers ran through the knots in my damp hair as I braided it back and out of my way. Then I went back to Frank's room. He had put down his book and had the television on low.

"True Blood is on," he told me as I walked in the doorway. I snuggled into his embrace and we watched a re-run that he'd never seen before. He'd only stared watching the show because of me, and now he liked it probably more than I did. Not like he'd ever tell the guys that. They made fun of the Southern accents on the show, always imitating how Bill would say "Sook-eh" and she could call him "Beel". It was beyond entertaining.

Before long, my eyelids started to droop. I was confortable in the arms of my boyfriend. I craved just simple, special moments like these that would always stand out in my mind. I didn't have to hide or be anything other than myself. I was just plain old Roslyn to him—Roslyn with the scars he accepted and called beautiful. And I liked that.

I drifted off in his arms, and I was sucked into a dream. Or maybe it was half of a memory; I couldn't really remember. I was in that other dimension again, with the purple sky and the glass ground and the long white flowing dress. And there in front of me was my father.

"Dad!" I cried out.

He smiled sadly at me. He held a hand to my cheek and I cradled my face into his palm, craving my father to be alive so bad. I missed his warm hugs and his cologne and the strange twinkle I his eye. Things still didn't feel right without him.

"My child," he crooned in his Manchester accent. God, I had missed the sound of that. "You are stronger than you were last time I met."

Tears spilled from my eyes. I just wanted my daddy back. I didn't want this all to be a dream. "I've had a little help."

"Yes, I see. Frank is a good man. I am glad you met him."

"Me too," I whispered.

"But as you are getting stronger, my child, some others around you are growing weaker. I need you to help them, lend them some of your courage and bravery. You need to save them before it is too late."

The only person I'd noticed that had been hurting was my mother. I couldn't just ignore it any monger. "I will," I told him.

He nodded imperceptivity. "Daddy, I miss you. It still hurts without you."

"I know," he said. "But I am always here when you need me. Never forget that."

There was a shuffling sound and a crack like the snap of a twig, and my father's dead shot in the direction of the sounds. The smile on his face slipped and his twinkling eyes grew harder.

"I have to go now," he said, turning back to me. He placed a kiss on my forehead. "I love you, Roslyn."

Then he started to faded away, like a ghost. I reached my arms out, searching for him, not wanting to let him go. "No! Don't leave me!" I screamed. "Don't leave me!"

But he was gone. And I woke up, my cheeks damp, in the security of Frank's arms, wishing for the millionth time my father was still alive.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: So, I've decided I'm splitting this book up into two different books, 'cause it would just be SUPER long if I didn't. So you guys will be seeing a sequel to this book sometime (probably far) in the future. Just thought I'd let you all know! That was it. Other than I hope you like this chapter, and that I promise to get the full story out on Roslyn and Tyler's relationship eventually.**

**Xo, Hailee**

Chapter Sixteen:

My keys clanged on the kitchen counter as I entered my house. It was mid-afternoon and _freezing_ outside. My hands felt like ice blocks, even through my gloves. I wasn't used to the freezing cold temperatures in Jersey, but I welcomed the feeling. As long as I didn't get frost in my hair and I wasn't sick, I was good.

I'd been over at Frank's until just now. I woke up late, after finally falling asleep and crying out my anguish over the dream. When I woke up and had my morning dose of coffee and was calm, Frank's mom, Donna, and I had a long discussion about mine and Frank's relationship and the boundaries in it.

The 30 Seconds to Mars concert was coming up, and I had two extra tickets to spare. Of course I was going to invite Frank, but only on the condition that, since we were staying overnight, that we were not allowed to stay in a hotel alone together. Donna told me she would prefer it if I brought another girl around as a buffer. And I graciously accepted that answer. It would be cool to have someone else come along, anyway. I was already planning to ask Alicia to come with us.

"Mom?" I called out.

"In here," her muffled response came from inside her office. I walked up to her, typing up an e-mail, probably to some client. She was a real estate agent, and she'd been working on selling this one particular house.

"Hi," I said.

"You're home late. Did you stay over at Frank's?" She had an accusing tone, but I could hardly blame her. Donna had raised her suspicions and concerns, too. And they were all pretty valid, considering what had almost happened last night.

"I just slept over, Mom. Nothing happened."

The keyboard clacked furiously in our silence. She read over her response, sent the e-mail, and then turned in her swivel chair to face me. "Are you two spending the night together after your concert?"

"Yes," I said. "But his mom won't let him go unless Alicia or Christa comes with us."

"To make sure you guys aren't having sex?" she retorted.

"Mainly. I talked to her this morning about it."

"You actually had a conversation with her about _sex_?"

"I'm having a conversation with you now about it, aren't I?" I snapped. She glared at me and I sighed. I had to remind myself to take deep breaths and try to be calm around her. As much as she pissed me off, yelling wasn't helping, especially now with how stressed and lovely she was.

"I'm sorry," I apologized.

"Have you and Frank been having sex?" she asked.

"Not yet," I admitted.

"But you're planning on it?"

I shrugged. "It's not like we've planned it out down to the second, Mom. It'll happen when it feels right for both of us, whether it's two days from now, or two months, or two years. Okay?"

She pursed her lips. "Did you have this much attitude with his mom?"

"No. She was nicer about it than you were."

"What does she think about you two having sex?"

I sighed again. I'd _literally_ just been through this, and the subject was making me feel uncomfortable and awkward. "She'd rather us wait until we're out of high school and a little more settled down until we make our decision. But she's not going to freak out about it if we don't wait like you are."

"Oh really? I'm not freaking out; I'm just talking to you."

"Yeah, and then you judge and disapprove if I make a decision you don't like."

"And his mom doesn't?"

"No. Donna accepts she can't force us into anything. We're both 18, Mom; we're adults now. And we're making our own decisions and shaping our own life, whether you like it or not. I'm different than you, and I'm not the same kid I used to be, either. But that doesn't mean I'm wrong. And Donna gets that. And if we decide we don't want to wait, she wants us to at least talk to her beforehand so she knows."

I paused to let my words sink in. She needed to understand me just a little bit, and give me some trust. I wasn't quite the portrait of the delinquent she made me out to be.

My mom was about to respond when my phone started ringing in my pocket. It was a text from Alicia stating 'SOS, call me immediately!'

"Sorry, Mom, I gotta take this," I told her. I exited her office and dialed Alicia's number.

The second she answered the phone, I could hear her sobbing. "Can I come over?" she managed to say through the tears. "I'm walking towards your house."

"Of course!" I told her. "Are you okay?"

"Not really. I'll explain things when I get there."

"Okay, I'll be outside waiting for you." We hung up, and I sat on the porch waiting for her.

It didn't take her long. She came from the direction of Gerard and Mikey's house, and was still sniffling and crying when she approached me. I ushered her into my house and up into my bedroom and then just hugged her until she calmed down.

She looked up at me, her blue eyes filled with so much anguish and hurt that I wondered if something really bad happened. Tears filled her eyes, and I handed her a tissue.

"Thanks." She laughed weakly.

"Sure. Do you want to talk about it?"

Alicia swallowed hard and wiped more tears away. "Mikey and I just broke up."

My mouth opened. For some reason, that was the last thing I was expecting to hear her say. Her and Mikey broke up? I was sure they'd be together forever. I mean, they just fit together so perfectly now.

"Did he or you…?"

"I did. I broke up with him."

"_Why_? What happened?"

"What if we don't ever work out? Like, I don't know, two years from now when we graduate, we're going to go off in separate directions and never see each other again? I just want to travel the world, and all he's wanted is to play bass in a band. Our lives don't intersect. I'm just scared that we're not going to make it past high school and get married and have adorable kids like you and Frank will."

"Alicia, that's two years away from now. No sophomore in the world knows if they're going to be together with the same person forever. I understand being scared, but that's not really a reason to give up on the relationship."

Alicia hesitated, like she wanted to say something else. But she didn't. She just looked at her hands.

"Okay, do you still love Mikey?"

"Of course!" she gushed.

"And do you want to be with him right now?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"But you're not telling me the whole story, are you?"

She looked up at me sheepishly and shook her head.

"You know I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

Alicia took a deep breath and swallowed again. "I…I think I might be pregnant," she whispered.

My blood froze. "_Oh_," I managed to choke out. "Well, that complicates things."

"Yeah…"

"I…didn't even know you two were…" I didn't really want to finish that last part.

"It was just one time," she confessed to me. "And we didn't tell anyone. Mikey didn't want Gerard to find out, and I was too scared to tell anyone. I was afraid you guys would be mad."

I hugged Alicia to me. "I'm not mad. I could never be mad at you for something like this. Okay?"

She nodded.

"Do you want to take a test to see if you're pregnant?"

"I probably should, shouldn't I?"

"Is it okay if I get Frank to drive us? He won't say anything to anyone, I promise."

"Okay," she agreed.

I took out my cell phone and dialed his number.

"Hey, babe," he greeted me.

"Hi. Are you busy right now?"

"No, why?"

"I need you to take Alicia and I to the drug store. Don't ask why, please. We just need to get something."

"Okay, sure."

"He can take us," I told Alicia. We got up and walked outside, Frank's car pulling up to my house. I sat in the back with Alicia, since she looked like she needed the comfort.

When we arrived at the drug store, Frank told us he'd wait in the car, and I pulled Alicia into the building towards the aisle. It was kind of annoying to find the pregnancy tests right there with the condoms, but there was nothing I could do about that. We grabbed the kind of test she wanted and headed towards the counter.

"The lady is going to think we're sluts," Alicia whispered to me, referring to the older lady behind the checkout counter, ringing the test up for us.

"You're not a slut," I whispered back. "And who cares what she thinks about you?"

The lady didn't even blink. I paid her and she handed it over.

"Do you want to take the test here or back at my house?"

"I don't want to keep Frank waiting. And besides, I'm too nervous to do it here."

I nodded, and we went back to Frank's car. The ride home was so quiet. Frank was playing a Green Day cd, which was one of Alicia's favorites, and it seemed to be calming her down some. I think he picked up on the fact something was wrong; it wasn't hard to tell.

He got out of the car when he parked in front of my house. I told Alicia to go on in and I'd be there in a second, and then hugged Frank. "Thank you for doing this," I told him.

"No problem. Mikey called me while you guys were in the store, told me about the break up. Guess they're both taking it pretty hard."

"Yeah, they are. But I think maybe spending some time with us will cheer Alicia up."

"Are you still going to ask her to the concert?"

I shrugged. "I'll ask. It wouldn't hurt."

He nodded. "You should get back to girl duty."

I kissed him goodbye. "I love you," I said as he got back in his car.

"Love you, too. Let me know how things go."

I went back inside and up to my room to find Alicia just staring at the pregnancy test, too nervous to take it by herself. I headed into the bathroom with her, and read to her the instructions while she followed them.

"These are the longest three minutes of my life," Alicia exclaimed after she'd peed on the stick and washed her hands.

I slipped my hand in hers and squeezed for moral support. "It's only a little bit longer," I reassured her.

But she was right. These three minutes seemed more like 30, and I was just as nervous as her, even thought it wasn't my pregnancy test. But I remembered being scared out of my wits, just like her, waiting to see if I was pregnant, too. I could see the parallels between us. It had been my first time after I took one, too, and had been _way _too scared my friends were going to judge me to tell anyone I wasn't a virgin anymore. But I was alone through it all, and Alicia had me, and I was going to lend her all the strength I could give.

The alarm on my phone went off, signaling the end of our minutes. We both took deep breaths and Alicia's grip on my hand tightened. We looked down at the stick, and…

Two distinct purple lines. "Oh, God," Alicia sighed. The test was negative. "I never want to go through that again."

I smiled in relief. She was too young to be having a kid, anyway. "Do you feel better?"

"A lot," she told me. "Though of course I'm still upset about breaking up with Mikey. I love him, but I don't want to waste the next two years just to have my heart broken."

I nodded. "I nodded. But I think I can help take your mind off it."

"Really?"

"My mom got me tickets to a 30 Seconds to Mars show in Manchester."

"As in _England_?"

I laughed. "Yeah. We'd have to fly out there and stay in a hotel, but I've got three tickets and you're on my list of people to ask."

Alicia squealed and jumped up and down. "I would _love_ to go! Oh my gosh, I have to ask right now!"

She whipped out her phone and almost died of excitement as the phone rang. Someone answered on the other end. "Daddy?" she asked. "There's a concert in England that I got invited to. The show tickets are already bought, I just have to get a plane ticket." She paused, listening on the other end. "Roslyn Monroe…okay." She held the phone out to me. "My dad wants to talk to you."

I took the phone from her. "Hi, Mr. Simmons."

"Hello, Roslyn. How are you?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Good as well. So this concert's in England, huh?"

"Yes, sir."

"Where in England?"

"In Manchester. It's where my father grew up, so the place has a pretty significant value to me."

Mr. Simmons understood what I was talking about. We'd gotten to talking one day when I spend the night over at Alicia's house. He knew I was close to my father when he died. And then he'd invited my mom and I over for Thanksgiving, which was coming sooner than the concert was.

"When is this concert?"

"December 4th."

"And who's all going?"

"Just Frank and I, and Alicia if you'll let her. Mr. Simmons, both Frank and I are very responsible, and I know the area week. I know a few people there who can keep an eye on us that you can talk to, if that's what it takes. But it's a 30 Seconds to Mars concert, and I really want Alicia to come. It could be a belated birthday gift. Happy 16 years, right?" Her birthday had only been a few days ago, on the 8th.

He chuckled. "Thank you for the information, Roslyn. Can I talk to my daughter?"

"Sure." I gave the phone back to Alicia.

"So can I go?" she asked. "I promise we'll be safe."

She listened to her dad talk for a few minutes, then started squealing again. "Thank you thank you thank you! I love you _so _much, Daddy!"

"I can go!" she said, turning to me, all the drama of earlier today completely erased by her growing excitement. "He said we still had to hammer out the details, but we can work on that later. Oh my God, this is going to be so much fun! We'll get to see Tomo and Shannon and oh man, I'm going to look at Jared Leto and hear his sexy voice! Oh man, I think I might die. We have to listen to every single song from all three of their albums until the day of the concert! And even then!"

I laughed at her joy. Alicia's good moods were contagious. We both talked animatedly about things while their first cd played softly from my laptop iTunes. We did this until her dad came to pick her up. I walked her out and said hi to her dad, and then hurried inside out of the freezing night air.

My mom was in the TV room, watching an old movie on TCM. I sat on the couch beside her, wrapping myself in a blanket, and tried to follow the movie on screen.

"I'm sorry about today," my mom said. I turned to look at her, but her eyes stayed focused on the screen.

"Your father always used to tell me to back off and give you a little space to grow as your own person. He always knew how to handle you better than I did. I guess it's because you were closer to him."

I let out a shaky breath. "Mom, I know you still miss Dad."

"I'll always miss him," she told me.

"I know. And so will I. I miss him so much sometimes it hurts to breathe. And I hate the fact that I'll never get to go back and say goodbye. I can't change that. But we don't have to be sad about it forever."

She didn't respond. We just watched the movie together until the end, and then she retreated into her room. I went up to mine, too, and got under the covers and read a novel.

I put the book down when I couldn't keep my eyes open, and got ready for bed. Then I got back under the covers and called Frank.

"Hi. Everything okay with Alicia?" he asked.

"Things are a lot better. Her dad's letting her come to the concert with us."

"That's good news."

"Yeah. How is Mikey?"

"Not amazing. Gerard called not too long ago, said Mikey finally passed out from the mountain of whiskey he drank."

My heart fell. It hurt me to see someone I cared about suffering so much. "I really hope they get back together. Having them apart is killing me."

"It's killing us all. Hopefully by Thanksgiving things will settle down a bit. All of us are going to spend it together, and the awkwardness won't be very cheery."

"I'll work on it," I promised.

"Okay. Well, I'll let you go to sleep now. Goodnight, Tinker Bell."

I rolled my eyes. "Night."

That nickname was going to have to change. _Now._


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen:

A pair of arms slipped around me as I sat by the window, a book in my hands and both headphones in. "Hi, Frank," I said, turning to look at him grinning. I put my book down and took my headphones out. Frank took that as an invitation to sit in my lap.

"Hi. What were you listening to?"

"Hole."

He shook his head. "Nirvana was better."

I pressed my lips together to stop laughing. Frank and I had so many fights about this and it never led anywhere. I wasn't in an arguing mood today, though.

"Happy Thanksgiving," I told him, pressing the top of my head against his cheek and twined my fingers through his.

"Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. Your mom seems in a really good mood today. She let me in."

I shrugged. "She has her on and off days. I'm starting to get used to them. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing."

"Did either of you get grief counseling after your dad died? That might help her get past whatever she's going through."

I shook my head. "She said it would make her look bad if she went, and that she was strong enough to deal with it on her own."

"Ah, so that's where you get your stubborn, I-don't-need-help-from-anyone streak."

I nudged him. "Shh. You love me."

"Yes, I do," he unabashedly pronounced.

"So, are you going to help me make the mashed sweet potatoes? Apparently, that's what I'm in charge of making at Alicia's."

He chuckled. "Are you sure you can handle it?"

"No. That's why you're helping. You're a good cook."

My mom walked in the room, putting on her coat. Frank's body disappeared from my lap in a flash and he was standing up. "Are you ready, Roslyn?" my mom asked me.

"Yeah. Just tell me what you want me to carry."

She guided me to the kitchen, and loaded Frank and I with items to bring over to Alicia's. We put it all in my mom's SUV, and guided her to Alicia's house. Her two cats greeted us at the door, rubbing against the leg of my jeans and meowing, wanting to be pet. "Sorry, guys," I told them. "My hands are full."

"The lovers are here!" everyone yelled when we put the stuff down. Frank and I had made sure Mikey and Gerard arrived before us in our little plot to get Alicia and MIkey talking. She won't tell him about the pregnancy scare, even though I told her Mikey would understand. He was a good guy; he wouldn't freak too much. But she still insists he hates her for breaking up with him so suddenly. Frank knew for a fact it wasn't true, but we couldn't convince her otherwise.

"Hey," I greeted them all with hugs. Things were a little tense with Mikey and Gerard, but I wasn't too worried about it. I was going to make sure they had an awesome day, and got over some of their insecurities. Only if it was just for Thanksgiving.

"We've missed you, Ros," Gerard said. "We haven't hung out lately."

"I know, I'm sorry, you guys. We've all had a lot going on."

"Yeah, and you're ditching us for England, too."

I blushed. "We'll have fun when I get back. We'll go holiday shopping together, and spend Christmas together, and have the coolest New Year's Eve party…"

He laughed. "Okay, okay, I get the point. I just miss you, that's all."

"I missed you too, Gee. I think I missed you so much, I'm going to drag you to see _Eclipse_ with me."

His eyes went wide. "That's okay, you can miss me a little less and take your boyfriend to see it instead."

"No, I'm on _Deathly Hallows_ duty. She can take Alicia," Frank frantically said.

Alicia and I looked at each other, shaking our heads. "You guys are such _pussies_! _Twilight_'s not really _that_ bad. Mikey would have gone to see it with me if I had asked."

Mikey turned a shade paler than he already was and grinned sheepishly. "Only because it meant spending time with you."

This was progress. They were talking. Our plan was working.

"I think I'll go bother the adults now," I said. "Who wants to come with me?"

Frank and Gerard shot up, catching my drift, and walked into the kitchen, giving Alicia and Mikey some much needed alone time. The parents were talking and getting food ready, looking at recipes and gathering ingredients and mixing bowls and such. Alicia's dad and Frank's, who was happy to be here, were handling the turkey for the non-vegetarians. Donna was making tofurkey for Frank and I, since we were cool enough for it. Mama Way and my mom were kneading out pie crusts, and laughing over something they were talking about.

They all looked at us when we walked in, and dried off their hands to come give us all hugs. I embraced them with enthusiasm, and we made some small talk about how we were all doing.

"So," Alicia's dad said after we'd settled down, "did you come to help or just watch us?"

"Oh, you don't want my son helping," Mama Way laughed. "He's more of a nuisance than a help. Can't cook to save his life."

"Ma, I'm not that bad!" Gerard complained.

She thought about it for a second. "You're right, your brother is worse. You know he almost burned down the house while making toast once?" She told everyone. That was our MIkey; clumsy and adorable.

"My daughter isn't much better," my mom confessed.

"I can cook," Frank said awkwardly, holding up his hands.

"Good, you can help me with your tofurkey," Donna demanded. Frank joined the cooking crowd.

"That's cool. Ros and I will just…hang out somewhere else," Gerard stated. His mom waved a towel at him, and he took my hand and led me outside to the porch. "God, I need a cigarette," he moaned. "Please tell me you brought some."

I chuckled at his addiction and handed him my pack of Marlboros. "Just take the rest; there's only three left in there."

"I love you."

"I know."

He inhaled deeply, and his body instantly relaxed. I looped my arm in his and placed my head on his shoulder. "How have you been?" I asked him.

"Okay, I guess. School's kicking my ass, but I don't need relatively good grades if I'm going to get in to art school."

"Have you been working on your portfolio?"

"Yeah. All I've been doing lately is drawing pieces and picking out my favorites. Your faery princess drawing is in there."

I groaned. It was one of his best works, but it was still extremely embarrassing, even if it did get him into college. "Good luck," I told him. "You're super talented; they'd be crazy not to accept you."

"Yeah, same with you. Juilliard would be lucky to have you. Your audition tape gave me chills."

I could feel my face growing hot. "I know it's a big risk applying there, but it's my dream school. I'm just hoping I'm one of the 8% of applicants they want to accept."

"I wouldn't worry too much about it. I know you're stressing."

"So are you," I said pointedly, motioning to the second cigarette he was lighting.

Gerard just shrugged. "Whatever."

Alicia's cats found their way towards me and I petted them, loving the sound of their appreciative purring.

"So you and Frank seem happy," he stated.

"Yeah, we are."

He leaned his head down on mine, his cheek pressed on my head. I closed my eyes, wrapped up in the warmth, and I really did miss hugging him. It felt good to just spend time with him again.

Then Gerard sighed and pulled away from me. He opened the pack and took the last cigarette out, putting it in his mouth. I snatched it before he could light it. "What's going on with you, Gee?"

"Nothing. This just fucking sucks."

"What sucks?"

"Everything. My brother's breakup, you being with Frank instead of me, Ray spending today with his girlfriend's family instead of us, Bob stuck in fucking _Chicago_ for his last two years of high school…It all just fucking sucks."

I swallowed hard. I didn't know what to do to make it better. I could offer my condolences, but that didn't change the situation any.

"So how is smoking a cigarette going to help you?" I asked.

"You know, don't fucking preach to me, Roslyn. I've seen you shit-faced dunk because you wanted to forget. You slash your damn wrists trying to be numb. You're as bad as I am."

I clamped down on my jaw to keep from saying something I'd regret. My nails dug into my palms unpleasantly, but I didn't care. I didn't want to fight with him today. By asking him that, I wasn't trying to be hypocritical. There wasn't anything wrong with what he was doing; I had just been wondering. He was spot on with all my indiscretions, but I hadn't been saying I was better than him. I already knew that I wasn't. I didn't have to justify myself to him.

Instead of responding, I took myself away from Gerard. I stood up and turned to walk back through Alicia's front door. Gerard caught my hand and stood up.

"Wait." He pulled me into a hug, crushing me into him. "I'm sorry, Roslyn. God, I'm always apologizing to you. I think I'll take you up on that stress-free, just you and I hangout day. We really need one."

"We'll do it when I get back from England," I promised. "And if you're not in a happy mood, I'll bust out singing some Blood on the Dance Floor to get you smiling. Okay?"

"Deal."

He still held me in his embrace, and I breathed him in, the chemical scent of fresh hair dye strong in my nostrils. That made me smile, and raise my hand to run my fingers through his hair. It flowed through my fingertips, smooth and silky.

"The color was fading," he murmured.

"You should dye it a fun color next time…like purple or red or something."

He laughed at me. "Never gonna happen, hun."

The door to Alicia's house opened, and I turned my head, still against Gerard's chest, to see who it was. Gerard and I parted and I gave my boyfriend a smile.

"Umm…" Frank stuttered, glancing between me and Gerard. I didn't dare try to look at Gerard's expression, and prayed to God my own didn't look guilty. It wasn't like anything happened, but I just know it looked kind of suspicious.

Frank cleared his throat. "I was just coming to tell you the good news that Alicia and Mikey are talking again."

"Ah, that's awesome! Did she tell him?" I asked.

Frank glanced at Gerard, who didn't know all the details of why they'd broken up. Alicia had told Frank the situation, and we'd been trying to convince her to tell Mikey.

"I don't know," he responded.

"Wait, tell him what?" Gerard asked.

"Why she broke up with him," I replied.

"Do you two know why?"

I shrugged innocently. "No idea." I grabbed Frank's hand and walked back into Alicia's house.

"I know you're lying!" Gerard yelled from outside, but didn't follow us in. A look over my shoulder saw him lighting up his last cigarette and sucking on its contents furiously.

Frank and I went back into the kitchen and asked the adults if they needed any more help. They promptly shooed us out and told us not to worry about anything. We went back to the living room to find Alicia and Mikey. They were cuddled up on the couch, watching Alicia's two older brothers playing Halo.

"Do you want to leave them alone?" Frank whispered in my ear. I nodded, and we made our way down the hall to Alicia's room, closing the door behind us.

As soon as the door closed, my back was pressed against it, and Frank was so close to me I could scream. I swallowed, taking in all of his beautiful features, taking in how he felt pressed against me, and pulled him into a kiss.

Kissing him, being with him, made me feel special. His touch didn't make me feel like just any ordinary person, but someone more, some_thing_ more. He still gave me butterflies when I was with him.

Frank peeled himself back from me. His hazel eyes perused mine. "We're still okay, aren't we?"

I took his hands in mine. "Of course we are. Why wouldn't we be?"

"Dunno. I guess I'm just self-conscious after Alicia and Mikey breaking up. If they can be torn apart, so can we."

I wasn't used to Frank being down on himself. He was usually an optimist; an excited, hyper little kid who didn't let life bother him. It was so strange that someone like me could come in and cause such uncertainty in him.

"Frank, you're a huge part of my life. You make me extremely happy. When I'm with you, it's as if the rest of the world doesn't matter. I love you, and I'm extremely grateful to have you in my life. I'm lucky to have you, and I'm not ready to let it go. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good. Can we go back to making out now?"

His head bobbed up and down, and then I was in his arms again. His warm hands were under my shirt, pulling at my hips, angling my body closer to him. They moved higher, pulling my shirt over my head. His hands roamed over my bare flesh, leaving my skin tingling where he'd touched me and sending small shivers through me. I was still amazed at how he could make me feel this way.

A small gasp escaped from my lips as his hands left my body and started to unbutton my jeans, pull down the zipper. "Can I…can I try something?" he asked me hesitantly.

I gave him a nervous smile, aware my body was trembling from nerves and excitement. "You can try anything."

He inhaled and exhaled heavily. "Okay. Um…" He let out a shaky laugh and wiped his sweating palms on his jeans.

I once again took his hands in mine. "Here," I said, moving us from the door to the bed. Frank tugged at my jeans, and I let him pull them all the way off me. His hand rested at the hem of my underwear, hesitant to go any further, his eyes connecting with mine, asking if it was okay. I gave him a tiny nod, and after a few more moments of hesitation, his now shaking hands moved them off my body.

Frank breathed in sharply, and his hands gently placed themselves on my inner thighs, pulling my legs apart slightly. I waited for what he was about to do. "I'm sorry if I do this wrong," he whispered. "You're more experienced than me, and…"

"Frank," I stated. "No other guy matters but you. Don't think about it. Just do whatever feels right. No judgment."

"'Kay," me murmured.

His fingers started to tease my folds, rubbing against my bud. I closed my eyes, and let al my thoughts go out the window.

He dipped a finger inside of me, and moved with agonizingly slow speed. I hummed and squirmed a bit, the feeling of pleasure clouding my mind. Slowly, gradually, Frank's finger increased its speed, until it was moving furiously inside of me, and I couldn't help but moan and arch my hips up off the bed, moving his finger into me harder. Then he slipped a second finger inside, and my walls clenched tight around them. He continued moving fast and slow, alternating, driving my body crazy and making my muscles clench. "Oh, God!" I moaned loudly.

His fingers stopped moving inside of me, and they pulled out. He began rubbing my clitoris in the same manner, slow and fast. I bit my lip and covered my mouth with my hand to stifle the moans. His fingers were driving me insane. I could feel wetness pooling between my legs as he inserted his fingers again, coating them.

My hips arched up further, driving his fingers harder inside of me. I cried out in surprise as he hit my pleasure spot, and he took advantage of it, notching my pleasure up to a whole new level. My body felt so good, I almost couldn't take it anymore. I started shaking with satisfaction.

My hands fisted the sheets, but I opened my eyes, and the first thing I saw was Frank gazing back at me, love and warmth in the gaze. And I couldn't help it anymore. I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him up to me, tracing his bottom lip with my tongue, tugging on his ring with my teeth, finally pulling him into a kiss like no other we've shared before. It was beyond passionate, beyond anything. It was mending me.

We both got so caught up in the kiss that his fingers left me, and circled around my waist instead. Our kisses left me on fire, the force alone making me a little wet. I couldn't help how me made me feel. It was everything to me.

I don't know how long we were wrapped up in each other. But at some point, we both realized people might be looking for us and be wondering where we were.

As I was getting dressed, Frank put his hands on my hips and spun me around to face him. "You're perfect," he told me.

I grinned, and pulled my jeans up, buttoning and zipping them. "So are you," I told him sincerely.

"So it was okay?"

"It was better than okay."

He nodded. "I didn't want to push for anything more. After what happened with Alicia, I'm just a little nervous about it."

"It's okay, Frank. We don't have to sleep together just yet. You're worth the wait."

A massive grin broke on his face, and I lightly kissed his lips. Then I pulled his arm back around my waist and we left Alicia's room, and went back to join civilization.

Alicia's brothers were right where we left them, still playing video games.

"Roslyn!" Alicia yelled, and I saw her waving to me from the study. She and Mikey were holding hands and Gerard was next to them, arms folded in front of his chest, looking pissed. "Where were you guys?" she asked.

"We were giving you some alone time. Looks like it worked," I noted, pointing to their linked hands.

Both started grinning. "You were right. All I did need to do was tell him, and everything would be cool."

"Well, not entirely cool," Mikey argued. "I'm still scared shitless."

I chuckled a little.

"I'm glad it worked out for you two," Frank said sincerely.

"Thanks!" Alicia replied excitedly.

"Guys, come get ready for our feast!" Alicia's mom yelled to us kids.

We all reluctantly separated and divided the jobs amongst ourselves. They all didn't trust me and Mikey not to drop the good china dishes or the drinking glasses, so we got all the napkins and silverware out and put it on the dining room table. Frank and Gerard set out all the plates together, and Alicia managed to ask everyone what they wanted to drink and pour it for them in record time. Then we helped bring the plates of delicious smelling food over to the table without stealing any food off the plates.

We got first dibs on where to sit, me immaculately placed in between Frank and Alicia. Mikey sat beside Alicia, and Gerard next to Frank. Then the parents joined us at the table. We all passed around the food and loaded our plates with as much good food as we could. Gerard tried to feed Frank turkey instead of tofurkey and Frank threw it back in his face, almost starting a food war. Our parents just gave each other this "look", like oh, we have such idiot kids, but they were laughing along with the rest of us.

Jokes went around all across the table and food was devoured and devoured and devoured by all of us, until I thought I was going to puke from eating so much.

Then Alicia's mom stood up with her glass of red wine and started to make a toast. "I'm really thankful that all of you could be here today to spend this amazing holiday with us. I'm thankful that all of our kids are such good friends with each other, and have been through almost everything, and that they brought us, their parents, together as friends. I'm so thankful that I know each and every one of you, and I hope for much more time spent together."

Cheers erupted across the table, and Alicia's mom sat down, a smile on her face.

"I'll drink to that!" Gerard commented, snaking his mom's wine glass and taking a swig.

"Gerard!" Mama Way scolded, and took the glass back from him.

He just grinned at his mom, as if his adorable smile could get him out of trouble. And it did, of course.

"Well, I'm thankful that you guys even talked to me," I told them all truthfully. "I don't know who I'd be without you guys. You are all my best friends. And I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, which I'm freaking grateful even wants to be with me. And I might not say it a lot, but I'm thankful I have a mom who pretty much puts up with my bullshit. So, yeah. Life's pretty good, huh?"

"Ah, I think we're all thankful to know you, Ros," Gerard said.

"Yeah," Mikey butted in. "We were lost without you."

"Yeah, who else could force me into liking comic books and teach me how to play _Call of Duty_ or shop for cute outfits with?"

I shrugged. "Gosh, I don't know how you guys survived without me."

"We didn't," Frank said. "You saved us all."

I laid my head on his shoulder and held his hand under the table.

After much more fun times and lots and lots of pictures later, we all decided to call it a night. I gave everyone a big hug goodbye and spent some time talking to Alicia's dad about concert and plane information. Then my mom said we had to leave. Frank drove us home and told me he'd call me later tonight before bed.

"That was a good day," I commented to my mom when we collapsed on the couch.

"Yes, it was. I'm warming up to your friends."

"Really?" I shot up, surprised and excited to hear this news. She used to think they were the plague.

"They make you happy, and that's what I really want. And Frank's really nice. I like him with you."

I got up off the couch and enveloped my mom and in a death grip hug. "Thanks for everything, Mom. I love you," I told her.

"I love you too, Rosie. I'll see you in the morning; I'm gonna go to bed."

"Goodnight!"

I ran up the steps to my bedroom and immediately broke into a grin that could light up the whole freaking neighborhood. My mom hadn't called me Rosie since all the drama with me and my dad's illness started happening. It was like her sign of affection. I couldn't believe I was finally back enough into her good graces to start using the nickname again. I must have some really good karma or something.

I fell asleep soon after, stuffed with love and good fortune, and a promise in my heart that this was only the beginning, and that there was so much more to come.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:** **I've had this chapter done for a while, but unfortunately I didn't have computer access to upload and send it here. But I've got it now, and hopefully you all like it. I promise, next chapter is the 30STM concert, and then the big stuff starts happening. So please keep reading. Sorry if you've lost interest with my lack of updates.**

**xo, Hailee**

Chapter Eighteen:

I was a bundle of nerves as Frank, Alicia, and I sat in the back of Donna's car as she drove us to the airport in Newark. Only a little over 24 hours from now, we would be in Manchester, and then at the 30 Seconds to Mars concert, singing along with all of their songs. Their newest cd was playing from the speakers, but we were all too nervous to sing along.

"Do you think they'll moistly play stuff from their new album? It just came out, and it's probably fresh on everyone's minds," Alicia asked.

"You're probably right," I agreed, "but there's no way they won't play _The Kill_ or _From Yesterday_."

Donna pulled into the airport, helped take our luggage out of her trunk, and gave us all big hugs. "You guys have absolutely everything you need?"

We all nodded simultaneously.

"Well, make sure you all keep in contact. Frank, text me during your layover so I know you're safe, and again when you get to Manchester."

"Okay, Mom. I love you."

"I love you, too. And I love you guys, Alicia and Roslyn."

"We love you too, Donna," we both said.

And then we dealt with luggage, got the boarding passes and passports out, went through the metal detectors, and found where our plane was boarding. We waited as patiently as we could, checking the times on our phones every five minutes to see if we were close to boarding time.

"I can't believe my dad is letting me miss school to go to a concert in the UK. This is too cool!" Alicia squealed next to me in her seat.

"And especially without a parental chaperone. I don't think my parents even let _me_ do that when I was 16."

"What, no cool perks for popular cheerleader Roslyn?"

I nudged her. "Hey! I wasn't a cheerleader. Some of my friends were, but I lacked the talent for it."

She laughed. "I was just kidding. Did your best friends have weird names like you?"

"No. They were named Jessica, Kim, Julie, Ally, and Brittany."

"And I'm sure you all had boyfriends?"

"Of course we did! They were named Caleb, Joey, Justin, Logan, Tanner, and Tyler."

"You dated Tyler, right?"

"Yeah. He was on the basketball team, not football like the rest of the guys."

"You all are so typical cliché!"

"We _were_," I corrected her. "I suppose they still might be. I haven't really kept in touch." I thought fleetingly of Angie, who I'd just re-connected with on Facebook. But we had never been best friends, and that didn't count.

Alicia, Frank, and I discussed things more until we got our boarding call. We took our seats, me next to Frank, and Alicia in the aisle seat right across from us. We chatted as we waited for the plane to load and take off in the air.

"God, this is gonna be a really _long_ flight," I muttered.

"At least you're spending it with us," Frank said.

"Yeah, at least." I rested my head on his shoulder.

"So how many books did you bring in your carry-on bag?" He asked me.

I chuckled. "Three. I brought the first three books in the _Vampire Academy _series."

He gave me a withering look. "You couldn't have bothered to bring something more interesting? Like the _Harry Potter_ series?"

"And you've read those books how many times now?"

Frank shrugged. "It's classic British lit."

"No, it's not. Classic is Bronte and Austen, not J.K. Rowling."

"So? I'm not reading chick lit."

"It has Joss Whedon elements," I bribed him. I'd started him on a _Buffy_ kick, and I think he was enjoying Spike's antics and Angel's perpetual brooding.

"_Fine_. But if it sucks, I'm not finishing it!"

I opened _Vampire Academy_, and settled into the land of St. Vladimir's Academy.

A few hours later, I closed the book. "Okay, so you've gotta tell me if Rose and Dimitiri ever hook up. And if they do, if they ever get caught. I mean, he's her mentor, but they've got some serious sexual chemistry, even without that charm or love spell, or whatever it was. Also, does Rose ever stop her bond with Lissa? 'Cause that's a little weird. But cool, too."

I smiled knowingly at Frank and his queries. "Well, look who's interested in the series now!"

"How many of these books are there?"

"Oh, the series isn't over yet. I think there's one more left, but six books are out."

"Damn. I think we should start the second."

I took _Frostbite_ out of my bag and handed it to him. "I think I'm gonna try to fall asleep. I'm kind of tired."

"Okay. Night, babe."

"Night." I kissed his lips, and settled into my less-than-comfortable airplane seat.

Sleeping was a bad idea. As soon as I fell into a deep sleep, nightmares started to bloom inside my skull. They came in flashes of memories.

My first time with Tyler, and the utter despair I'd felt.

The sizzle of a barrette touching my flesh, the burn it left on the skin of my forearm.

Touching the purple bruise on my upper thigh, wincing at the pain.

My best friends shunning me from their circle, sentencing me to social prison. _We don't hang out with girls who fuck like you do. And seriously, what's with the whole depressed act? It makes you so unattractive and sorry, but we don't do ugly. Have a nice life, bitch._

The fiery numb feeling of snorting cocaine, the icy way the world had felt.

His breath on my ear, his hands gripping me too tight from behind. His chilling voice. _You can't run from me, Ros. I'll find you. Wherever you go, I'll find you. I'll always be with you._

I shot up then, awake and out of my haunting thoughts. I looked around the dark plane, lights shut out and people snoring softly. Frank was awake next to me, _Frostbite_ sitting on his tray. He was trying to comfort me in the wake of my dreams.

"Hey, baby. Are you okay?" His hazel eyes were filled to the brim with genuine concern.

"Yeah," I responded, my voice cracking. "Just bad dreams, that's all. You know, probably from being on an airplane."

Frank looked wary, as if he didn't trust the reasoning of my answer, but he didn't say anything more.

"What time is it?" I asked.

He checked his watch. "Almost 2:30."

"Ugh," I groaned. "We've still got like five hours left."

"It'll pass by fast."

I nodded, then leaned back in my seat. My eyes slid shut, and I pinched the bridge of my nose to try and get rid of my forming headache.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Frank asked me. "Do you wanna talk about whatever you saw?"

I adamantly shook my head. I did _not_ want to talk to Frank about the flashing images, because I knew exactly how he'd react. He'd be tempted to do something he'd regret, and I wasn't going to start a fight and create unnecessary drama. What had happened between Tyler and I couldn't be changed, and there was no point in confessing the worst of it.

"Does this have to do with Tyler?"

I opened my eyes and turned my head towards Frank. "Please, Frank, just leave it alone, okay? It's not the dream, I just have a headache, probably from the air pressure." My voice came out sharper then I'd intended it to.

Annoyance flickered on Frank's face. "Ros, you never talk about what happened with him. All you've said is that he broke your heart. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's healthy not to talk about it."

"Frank! Just leave it alone! It's not your problem!"

"Yes, it is. I'm worried about you."

"Then don't be! I don't need your concern."

"I can't help it, Roslyn. You're hiding your past from me and—"

"Yeah, and it's my past to hide. Just like this big secret that happened between you, Gerard, Mikey, and Ray when you guys were kids. You think I don't notice when you communicate through glances, but I do. No one's offered that information up to me yet. Why the double standards?"

He didn't answer me. He sat there, lips pursed, eyes on the tray in front of him.

"That's what I thought," I snapped. Then I dug my iPod and headphones out of my carry-on and turned my music up to drown out my thoughts until Alicia woke up.

We landed in Amsterdam around 7:30 and got some food at the airport and sat around, waiting for our next plane to arrive. We had a one hour layover, and Frank and I weren't talking to each other right now. Alicia picked up on some of the tension between us, and immersed ourselves in her prattling conversation, which I was grateful for.

They started to board our plane, and we made our way to our seats. "Alicia, come sit next to me," I suggested. "I wanna hear how things are with you and Mikey now that you two are back together."

"Okay!" She sat in the aisle seat next to me and Frank too the seat in front of her. He didn't turn around or acknowledge us.

"What happened with you two?" Alicia whispered.

I shook my head. "We had a fight over talking about the past."

She thought for a moment. "Full details back at the hotel room?"

"Most definitely."

Our ride into Manchester was only supposed to take 20 minutes, so Alicia and I kept ourselves busy by gossiping. I think Ray and Christa are getting really serious," Alicia confided.

"Really?"

She nodded emphatically. "Mikey told me Ray's thinking about proposing to her."

I gasped. "Oh, my God! That's…"

"So soon? I mean, they've been dating since sophomore year, but I always thought they should go to college and stuff first before they settle and get married."

"Yeah, but just because he proposes doesn't mean they're gonna get married soon."

"I know. But they are cute together, aren't they?"

I nodded in agreement. "Definitely."

Our seatbelt lights flashed on, and the plane started its descent into Manchester. We waited until we got the permission to unload, and then entered our way to baggage claim.

"Did you really _have_ to bring a suitcase, Alicia? We're only here for three days." Frank complained.

"Yes! I never know what to wear to the concert. And I had to bring extra outfits for Roslyn, so she can look pretty too."

"Hey!" I protested.

"Not that you're not pretty now. You know what I mean."

Frank grunted, and took his phone out of his pocket. "I'm gonna call my mom while we're waiting for your luggage." He dialed her number and walked away from us."

"I should probably do the same," I sighed.

"Yeah, my dad's expecting a call, too."

We all went our separate ways to talk to our parents. I dialed my mom's number and waited for her to pick up. But it just kept ringing and ringing, until her messaging machine clicked on. I hung up and dialed the number again, but she still didn't pick up. I decided to leave her a message this time.

"Hey, Mom. We're uh, in Manchester for the concert…just landed and all that. We haven't checked into our hotel yet or anything. But all's good so far, and I'll call you again before we leave. Uh, I love you."

I hung my phone up and walked back over to Alicia and Frank. Frank was grabbing Alicia's luggage off the conveyor belt and then we walked out to find a taxi.

We loaded all our stuff into one and Frank told the driver where we were going.

"It's so cool the steering wheel is on the other side, and they drive on opposite sides of the road from us," Alicia marveled.

"Welcome to the UK," I told her.

We reached our hotel, paid the taxi driver, and checked in to our hotel. Our hotel room was a pretty nice, two bedroom place with a kitchen and a living room area with a huge tv. Alicia and I took the room with the double beds, and Frank took the one next to us with the single bed.

I put my bag on my bed and started to unpack all my clothes and toiletries and place them where they needed to go. I was in the midst of putting my toothbrush and toothpaste on the bathroom counter when Alicia came in behind me.

"So what happened with Frank? I need full details."

I sighed and turned towards her, leaning against the bathroom counter. "He's upset because I don't want to talk about my past."

"You talk about it," she argued.

"He wants to know the reasons why Tyler and I broke up, and the full reason I started hurting myself."

"Oh, gotcha. Well, you've confided in him about a lot of stuff. You told him about your dad and you've let him see your scars and so many other things. If you're not fully ready to talk about what happened with you and Tyler, then he needs to be patient until you are. He can't force a response out of you."

"I know. I told him to leave it alone, but then he kept talking about how worried he was and how he cared about me, and I snapped."

"What did you do?"

"I'm surprised you slept through it."

"Ah, you know me."

"Yeah. Anyway, I kind of told him to stop being a hypocrite, and that if I had to tell him about Tyler, then he had to tell me the big secret he and all the guys are keeping."

"The one they talk about when they think we're not looking and use words we don't understand?"

I giggled. "Yeah, that one."

"I asked Mikey about it once, but he wouldn't talk about it. All he would day is that it really screwed him and Gerard up, and that's why they're like the way they are."

"I feel bad about blowing up on him, but at the same time I really don't think I should apologize for what I said."

"Then don't. Ugh, what time is it?"

I checked my phone. "It's 10 AM."

We stared at each other for a second. "Sleep time?" she asked.

I nodded. "Definitely."

I slept without dreaming and when I woke up, the clock on my nightstand read 4:30. I walked up to the door, cracked open a smidge, but then stopped before I walked out when I heard voices.

"Don't you ever wonder why she's hiding it?" I heard Frank ask.

"It's not really my place to. Frank, it's her life. She's obviously been through a lot. She was dating him while her father was dying and she probably did some stuff she's not proud of or comfortable talking about yet. You just have to wait."

"But if we can't open up to me, if she can't trust me enough—"

"It's not about trusting you, Frank. Trust me, she trusts you a lot more than she does a lot of people…more than me. She'll come around."

"I hope so…I'm gonna go make some coffee. You want some?"

"I'll take some tea."

"Okay."

I backed away from my door and sat down on my bed, knees to my chest. Maybe it was time to confide in someone about Tyler. Just…not today, not while we were in Manchester. I mean, in 24 hours I'd be at a 30 Seconds to Mars concert, and I didn't want things to be even weirder and tense than they were right now.

I picked up my phone and dialed a number.

"Hello?" Gerard answered.

"Hey. How's Jersey without us?"

"It fucking sucks. But that's nothing new. Aren't you supposed to be having fun instead of wasting a phone call on me?"

I breathed into the phone for a couple of minutes without saying anything, and shut my eyes tight. He was right, I was supposed to be having fun. And I really was looking forward to the concert, but I also really wanted to get home. I missed him.

"Ros? Roslyn, are you okay? What's wrong?"

I let out a shaky breath. "I just needed to hear your voice," I told him.

"I miss you, too."

"Really? Because I didn't know if I was just being stupid. I miss seeing you every day and hanging out with you and having the most random conversations. Vacation time is good, but it's not like home. You know?"

"Yeah, I do. Are you sure you're okay, though? You sound upset."

"No, it's really nothing. Frank and I had a bit of a fight but it's nothing we can't fix. Really, I just miss you."

"Okay, if you say so." He didn't sound convinced.

We lapsed into silence on the phone, the only sound our breathing through the mouthpiece. It was comfortable, knowing he was just there, but not trying to make everything okay with idle chit chat.

"Gerard?"

"Yeah, babe?"

I smiled. _He called me babe_. Why did I like that so much?

"What happened with you guys when you were younger? That think you guys won't talk about?"

"Ros—"

"Look, I know it's personal. I just…I wonder if it's anything like my story, and if it won't hurt so much if I know someone else who went through what I did."

His breathing was prevalent through the speakers. "We'll talk about it when you get back, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks for calling. I needed to hear you, too."

I smiled again. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

I hung up the phone and placed it on my bed. I sat there for a few more minutes before I went outside the room and joined up with Alicia and Frank. They were watching _Jersey Shore_ when I walked in.

Frank jumped off the couch. "I made some coffee, if you want some."

I nodded. "Okay."

"Here, I'll get it for you."

He walked over to me, placing a hand on the small of my back and planted a soft kiss on my forehead. "I'm sorry about earlier," he said quietly.

"I know."

"Are we okay?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." He grinned at me, and then kissed me for real, on my lips. I tried not to think about how different it felt as I sat beside Alicia on the couch and Frank made a cup of coffee for me. I tried to ignore the ominous pounding of my heart by watching the continuous drama of Ronnie and Sam, but inside I knew. I just knew something was going to be different. When we got back to Jersey, everything was going to change.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I have to warn you all that this chapter is very lyrics heavy. Since this chapter is all about the 30 Seconds to Mars, most of the chapter is pieces, and sometimes their whole songs, in lyrics, used as a way to capture the whole feel and essence of how Roslyn felt at the concert and the lyrics that she connected to personally. So if you don't like reading a lot of lyrics and all that, you can skip over that part. But don't skip the whole chapter, because there's some subtle stuff that happens in this chapter.**

**Also, a thanks to my very good friend Angie, who is the basis for one of the characters I mentioned last chapter (I think). I based the entire character after her, minus the fact my Angie is Canadian, and this one isn't. But still..you gotta love your friends for letting you write them into your stories. (:**

**Hope you like. And I hope to have more chapters up soon, despite the fact I have soooo much homework that I can't even think straight. 2 math classes + 3 science classes + 2 more AP classes = a whole lot of confusion and work. But hey, it's all for the sake of graduating. And I can't give up writing. And I don't really need to sleep anyways.**

**I'm done rambling. Enjoy. :P**

**xo, Hailee**

Chapter Nineteen:

"Alicia! Roslyn! Are you guys almost done in there?" Frank yelled to us.

Alicia and I looked at each other and started giggling. "We'll be out in just a minute!" I yelled back.

I walked over to the mirror and checked my makeup again. "Are you sure I look okay?" I asked Alicia.

She rolled her eyes. "You look hot. Don't doubt it. I dressed you myself."

I laughed. "Okay."

Alicia had taken the initiative and brought an outfit choice for me she said trumps any other outfit I brought. She'd dressed me in a solid black dress. It had a slight v-neck at the top and cap sleeves and hugged my curves, but not too tightly. The fabric stopped mid-thigh. I wore a vintage girl's biker jacket she'd found at a thrift store, which coincidentally wasn't made of real leather, since I don't wear leather, but it looked like it was. Its cut on me stopped at my wait, and I left the jacket unzipped. Random pockets and zippers were meticulously placed throughout. To finish the outfit, I had on flower patterned tights and my beat up combat boots. Alicia fixed my hair into soft waves that framed my face and had my makeup accentuate my light blue eyes. I felt pretty, but sort of unsure about how to act in this kind of outfit.

Beside me Alicia was wearing a dress where the top half was black and white striped and scoop necked, and the bottom portion was a black tutu with silver sparkles. She had on ripped black tights and black ballet flats. She wore her hair way, too. But she'd chosen a darker palette of makeup—a shiny black eyeshadow.

We checked our appearances in the mirror one more time, grabbed our purses off the bed and exited into the living room area. Frank whistled at us, and we each gave him looks. "Girls, we're going to a concert, not a club."

"We know!" Alicia replied jovially. "But it doesn't hurt to look pretty."

"It does when these British guys start hitting on you. I'll have to defend both you and my girlfriend. You both look stunning."

"Well, aren't you nice. Can we go now?"

"Yes, we can."

We all exited the hotel room and took a cab to Manchester Central, the venue for our concert. Alicia and I were squealing in excitement as we took our seats and waited.

"We are totally gonna see the hotness of Jared Leto!" Alicia squealed.

"I know! And the beautiful music of Shannon and Tomo…" We both sighed, in fantasy land.

"You guys are crazy!" Frank commented.

Alicia and I both looked at each other. "We know," we commented at the same time.

Then Alicia lifted her camera and snapped some pictures of us while we waited.

Suddenly the lights started to dim, and the crowd was buzzing with excitement, and 30 Second to Mars came on stage. "What's up, Manchester!" Jared Leto yelled, and the whole crowd went wild. The guys messed around with some chords and Shannon played some drum beats while we all waited impatiently for Jared to start singing the first song.

"Time to escape the clutches of a name. No this is not a game, it's just a new beginning. I don't believe in fate but the bottom line, it's time to pay. You know you've got it coming," he sang.

"This is war!" we shouted back at him as he held out the mike for us.

He started into _Night of the Hunter_. So much of those lyrics stuck out to me. _Revenge_. What a beautiful name.

"I was born of the womb of a poisonous spell. Beaten and broken and chased from the lair. But I rise up above it, high up above it and see. I was hung from the tree made of tongues of the weak. The branches, the bones of the thieves. Rise up above it, high up above it and see. Pray to your God, open your heart. Whatever you do, don't be afraid of the dark. Cover your eyes, the devil's inside.

"One night of the hunter. One day I will get revenge. One night to remember. One day it'll all just end, oh.

"Blessed by a bitch from a bastard's seed. Pleasure to meet you, but better to bleed. Rise, I'll rise, arise. Skinned her alive, ripped her apart. Scattered her ashes, buried her heart. Rise up above it, high up above it and see. Pray to your God, open your heart. Whatever you do, don't be afraid of the dark. Cover your eyes, the devil's inside.

"One night of the hunter. One day I will get revenge. One night to remember. One day it'll all just end, oh."

I screamed this next part out, meaning every word. "Honest to God I'll break your heart,  
tear you to pieces and rip you apart. Honest to God I'll break your heart, tear you to pieces and rip you apart. Honest to God I'll break your heart, tear you to pieces and rip you apart. Honest to God I'll break your heart, gear you to pieces and rip you apart.

"One night of the hunter. One day I will get revenge. One night to remember. One day it'll all just end, oh."

Then they headed straight into _A Beautiful Lie_, my favorite from their second album. I almost didn't want to sing along with Jared. I'd always found his voice beyond hypnotic on this song. I shut my eyes and listened to his words, thinking of how well they described things.

"Lie awake in bed at night and think about your life. Do you want to be different? Try to let go of the truth, the battles of your youth, 'cause this is just a game.

"It's a beautiful lie. It's the perfect denial. Such a beautiful lie to believe in. So beautiful, beautiful it makes me.

"It's time to forget about the past, to wash away what happened last. Hide behind an empty face. Don't ask too much, just say, 'cause this is just a game."

From there, they started to play _Attack_. Alicia, Drank, and I started to scream the lyrics, getting into the concert.

"I won't suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted, surrender to nothing, or give up what I started and stopped it, from end to beginning. A new day is coming, and I AM FINALLY FREE!

"Run away, run away, I'll attack. Run away, run away, go chase yourself. Run away, run away, now I'll attack, I'll attack, I'll ATTACK!"

They switched back into their newer album with _Search and Destroy_. I wasn't as familiar with it as some of the other songs, so I just listened to Jared's voice, dissecting the lyrics.

"Found my faith, living in sin. I'm no Jesus but neither are you, my friend. I'm a whore above the broken dreams. This simple answer is never what it seems. A million little pieces we've broken into. A million little pieces I've stolen from you."

I was beginning to think the song was about losing yourself, being broken into pieces of who you once were, and you were on a mission to find those broken pieces and destroy the person you once were in order to become a new, whole person. I wasn't sure if that was the true meaning of the song, but that's what it meant to me. Suddenly I had a new appreciation for the song that wasn't there before.

Keeping the song from the same album, 30 Seconds to Mars started into _Vox Populi_, and the beginning sounded _amazing_! Vox Populi, in Latin, meant voice of the people, which had already sent me a strong message. But seriously, the lyrics of all these songs spoke right to me.

"This is a call to arms, gather soldiers. Time to go to war. This is a battle song, brothers and sisters. Time to go to war."

When _Vox Populi_ ended, they started playing the opening chords to _This Is War_, and I shot straight up in excitement. I _loved_ this song. It represented so much. I shamelessly sang every word with Jared Leto, and most of the crowd.

"A warning to the people, the good and the evil, this is war. To the soldier, the civilian, the martyr, the victim, this is war. It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie, the moment to live and the moment to die, the moment to fight, the moment to fight, to fight, to fight, to fight!

"To the right, to the left, we will fight to the death! To the edge of the earth, it's a brave new world, from the last to the first. To the right, To the left, we will fight to the death! To the edge of the earth, it's a brave new world, it's a brave new world!

"A warning to the prophet, the liar, the honest, this is war. To the leader, the pariah, the victor, the messiah, this is war. It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie, the moment to live and the moment to die, the moment to fight, the moment to fight, to fight, to fight, to fight!

"To the right, to the left, we will fight to the death! To the edge of the earth, it's a brave new world, from the last to the first. To the right, to the left, we will fight to the death! To the edge of the earth, it's a brave new world, it's a brave new world, it's a brave new world!

"I do believe in the light. Raise your hands into the sky. The fight is done, the war is won. Lift your hands toward the sun, toward the sun, toward the sun, toward the sun. The war is won.

"To the right, to the left, we will fight to the death! To the edge of the earth, it's a brave new world, from the last to the first. To the right, to the left, we will fight to the death! To the edge of the earth, it's a brave new world, it's a brave new world, it's a brave new world! A brave new world. The war is won. The war is won. A brave new world."

Jared played the chords at the end, and then spoke into the mike. "All right, we're gonna slow it down a little. This song is called _100 Suns_."

I cheered loudly as he started to play it, and I sang along with this, too, meaning every word, and trying not to cry. I don't know why I was about to cry, but I really was.

"I believe in nothing, not the end and not the start. I believe in nothing, not the earth and not the stars. I believe in nothing, not the day and not the dark. I believe in nothing but the beating of our hearts. I believe in nothing, 100 suns until we part. I believe in nothing, not in sin and not in God. I believe in nothing, not in peace and not in war. I believe in nothing, but the truth in who we are."

Jared, Shannon, and Tomo took a little break by playing their instrumental song _L490_ over the speakers, and we all kind of nervously sat, waiting for the second half of the concert.

"Oh my God, they are so good in concert!" Alicia gushed.

I nodded enthusiastically. "Jared's voice is amazing live!"

"I'm not gonna lie," Frank piped in, "but you're right. He's naturally good at singing. I'm loving this concert."

"I wish everyone could be here to see them," Alicia sighed.

I could almost imagine Mikey at her side, head banging with the faster songs. Gerard would be next to Frank, probably drunk, jumping around and screaming out the lyrics. Ray and Christa would be on the end, enjoying it, but not getting really crazy. We would all have a lot of fun. I missed them not being there with us. But it was comforting to know we would see them soon. Tomorrow night they would be greeting us at the airport.

Taking a deep breath, I forced myself not to think of going home to Jersey. I was here, at a 30 Seconds to Mars concert, having fun! I had to think in the present, and be excited, even if I did wish the rest of the gang was here with us.

Cheers exploded as the band took the stage again. It took a few minutes while they gained their bearings, and then played _Was It A Dream?_, a song about only a photograph to show for a love that was lost.

"Yes!" I heard Frank shout beside me as the band started to play the next song. I realized the song was _From Yesterday_ as soon as Jared started singing. Frank had been waiting for this song to play.

"He's a stranger to some and a vision to none. He can never get enough, get enough of the one. For a fortune he'd quit, but it's hard to admit how it ends and begins. On his face is a map of the world, a map of the world. On his face is a map of the world, a map of the world.

"From yesterday, it's coming! From yesterday, the fear! From yesterday, it calls him. But he doesn't want to read the message here."

Admittedly, I liked the music video for that song (which might or might not have had something to do with brief shirtless Jared Leto scenes) but I had absolutely no idea what the song was supposed to mean. And I was too ashamed to ask Frank, who couldn't stop listening to the song for the life of him.

"Okay, Manchester!" Jared yelled into the mike. The whole crowd exploded. "We're gonna do a song that's not on one of our albums. I'm sure some of you guys have heard this song before. We hope you like this version."

And in the first few seconds of vocals, Alicia and I were screaming, jumping up and down. Frank looked at us, confused. "It's Lady Gaga!" I yelled in his ear. Alicia, Christa, and I had a thing for Gaga's music. We had many dance parties to her music. This song was our favorite.

"Oh!" Frank yelled back. "Really?"

"Yes! See, even they like Gaga!"

Alicia and I screamed along. "I want your love, I want your disease. I want your love I want your love. Love, love, love. I want your love. I want your drama, the touch of your hand. I want you leather chocked cuffed to my hand I want your love. Love, love, love. I want your love. Love, love, love. I want your love

"I want your loving and I want your revenge. You and me could write a bad romance. I want your loving, all your love is revenge. You and me could write a bad romance. Oh, caught in a bad romance.

I was trembling with excitement as they finished the song. It was perfect! I had a feeling Alicia and I were going to be playing this version of _Bad Romance_ over and over again, much more than we already had been listening to it.

They switched back to their original songs, eliciting more cheers as they played _The Kill_. Frank, Alicia, and I go into the song, jumping and screaming the lyrics.

"What if I wanted to break? Laugh it all off in your face? What would you do? What if I fell to the floor, couldn't take all this anymore? What would you do, do, do?

"Come break me down! Bury me, bury me! I am finished with you!

"What if I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life? What would you do? You say you wanted more. What are you waiting for? I'm not running from you.

"Come break me down! Bury me, bury me! I am finished with you! Look in my eyes. You're killing me, killing me! ALL I WANTED WAS YOU!

"I tried to be someone else. But nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself. Fighting for a chance. I know now, THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM!

"Come break me down! Break me down! Break me down! Come break me down! Bury me, bury me! I am finished with you, you, you. Look in my eyes. You're killing me, killing me. All I wanted was you."

_The Fantasy_ started playing next. _Do you live, do you die, do you bleed for the fantasy? In your mind, through your eyes. Do you bleed for the fantasy?_ The words were true and real.

And after _The Fantasy_ was over, Jared spoke on the mike again. "All right Manchester! You guys have been a great ducking crowd! Remind us to come again on our next tour. It's been a great ride! We've got a couple more songs for you guys set up, but I want to hear you beg for it! We'll do an encore if you chant the band's name for five minutes straight! We love you all!"

Jared and the band started to leave and go backstage, and the crowed started to chant over and over "30 Seconds to Mars!" I joined in with the chant and I could hear Alicia and Frank at my sides doing the same.

It felt like forever we sat there, doing the same chant, until finally the band came back out. We cheered loudly, and the band took some time with their instruments again.

Then Jared spoke. "How many of you have seen the uncensored version of _Hurricane_?" A lot of people cheered, me included. I didn't understand why it was censored; it really wasn't that bad. "Good. That's the next song we're gonna be doing."

I smirked, and listened to Jared's voice. "No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave. No matter how many breaths that you took, you still couldn't breathe. No matter how many nights that you lie wide awake to the sound of the poison rain. Where did you go? Where did you go? Where did you go? As days go by, the night's on fire.

"Tell me would you kill to save a life? Tell me would you kill to prove you're right? Crash, crash, burn, let it all burn. This hurricane's chasing us all underground.

"No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forget. No matter how many lives that I live, I will never regret. There is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames. Where is your god? Where is your god? Where is your god?"

I felt Frank's warm hand slide under my jacket and touch the small of my back. I turned to him them, and smirked.

_Do you really want? Do you really want me? Do you really want me dead or alive, to torture for my sins? Do you really want? Do you really want me? Do you really want me dead or alive, to live a lie?_

So much of myself had been holding back because of Tyler, and my dad, and so many other people that I'd called my friends but then ended up hurting me instead. I thought I was living, but I was still holding back, holding in parts of myself out of fear that history would repeat itself. I needed to let go of that part.

I brought my lips up to Frank's, and locked my fingers into his black locks, which he'd been growing out. Our bodies melded closer, and our tongues danced in each other's mouths. The air whooshed in and out of my ears, and the music sounded so distant, like it was playing from a far away island.

Before I completely lost control and had my way with him right then and there, I pulled away a ways and leaned in to his ear so he could hear what I had to say. "I've screwed up. A lot. And I'm definitely not the easiest person to get along with. But that'll change, if you want it to. Do you really wanna know what happened with Tyler?"

I looked at his face. He appeared to be confused, but nodded.

"No matter the cost?"

"Babe, what's going on?" he asked me.

I shook my head. I didn't want to explain this all right here, right now. I repeated my question. "Do you want to know, no matter the cost?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"Will you promise me not to do anything with what I tell you?"

He didn't answer me for a few moments. "Ros—"

"Just promise me, Frank."

"I promise."

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. We'll talk when we get back to Jersey."

Frank caressed the side of my face. "It'll all be okay, Roslyn. If you're scared telling me will make me leave, then you have nothing to worry about. I'm here, with you, and I can't imagine it any other way. Okay?"

I nodded again, and he trapped my chin with his fingers, lifting it up to envelope me in a kiss.

When we finally broke away, 30 Seconds to Mars was almost done with _Kings and Queens_. Alicia wasn't paying attention to us, and I was glad Frank and I had an honest moment like that, just the two of us.

"Goodnight, Manchester!" Jared Leto closed. "We love you! Thanks for coming out here tonight, everyone."

We joined the crowd of people heading outside and to the merch booth. There was no way any of us were leaving without taking a little piece of the memory home with us.

"You should get a poster!" Alicia said to me.

I laughed. "I don't think I have anymore room for a poster," I said back. "I think I'll just get a tour t-shirt instead."

We stood, waiting in the ridiculously long line to buy merch. Alicia and I talked excitedly and Frank gripped my hand protectively, which made me smile.

"Roslyn?" someone behind me asked, and I turned around, shocked to find Angie standing there.

"Hey!" I said, still a bit startled. "Wow. It's good to see you."

"You, too."

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I recently moved back to Manchester. Some things happened in Florida that I needed to get away from."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Angie. I knew you loved it there. It was a nice break from the cold UK winters."

She laughed, and her curly strawberry blonde hair bounced with her. "It's okay. You're not the one who needs to be sorry. I know what happened with Tyler."

I felt my face drain of color. No one had known. I'd been careful not to tell. No one could have known unless…

"Did he…?"

Angie nodded. "Yes, after you left. I get now why you changed. I never thought of you any differently after you did. I didn't mean to stop spending time with you. I just didn't like your friends."

"I don't blame you."

"I know. You told me that before. And to be fair, you did try to warn me about Tyler the one time I told you I had a major crush on him. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."

I hated the fact that I wasn't the only one who Tyler had seriously hurt. In all honesty, I was kind of ashamed at the fact I hadn't done enough to stop him. Instead, I ran away. He drove two girls out of town. But I hadn't been strong enough to stay and stop him.

"So am I," I whispered.

She leaned forward and hugged me. "Don't worry about me. I'm okay. And so are you. We're both strong, even when we don't think we are."

I nodded, wondering if she could read my mind.

"Anyway, I have to go. I'll talk to you later. Keep me posted on your life! Sounds like lots of fun."

"Yeah, I definitely will."

We waved goodbye, and I watched her walk away, strawberry curls bouncing with each step as she faded. Strong, shy Angie, who handled everything much better than I did. I would definitely stay in touch with her.

"What was that about?" Frank asked in a weird tone.

"Nothing. I'll tell you later."

I cleared my throat, and we moved up in line. When we got to the front of the line, we each got tour t0shirts, and I grabbed a free bumper sticker. Then we caught a can back to our hotel, got ready for bed, and despite the buzz of tonight, fell asleep quickly, minds working overtime to solve our problems. Tomorrow we would be Jersey bound, home and safely sound. Hopefully.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I feel like I'm always apologizing up here! I know I said I was going to get this out sooner, but then I had a bunch of problems at school. And then my dad was in the hospital, so I just now got a chance to write. I hope you like this chapter. The events change a lot of things. Also, I apologize for any mistakes in this or any other chapter. I try to edit, but sometimes I miss things.  
**

**xo, Hailee**

Chapter 20:

I sighed appreciatively as Frank, Alicia, and I got off the plane and entered our airport. We were almost home. It was real, tangible, right there at my fingertips. Friends and family would be waiting for us at baggage claim. I was most excited about that.

Just seeing the rest of the gang, knowing they cared, was going to make me feel 10 times better about possible telling them about my problems. I hadn't forgotten what Gerard and I talked about. And as long as they all promised not to freak out or do anything stupid…Well, I'd see how Frank took my news first, then Gerard and I would have our little chat. That sounded like a good plan to me.

Immediately we received tackle hugs by Gerard, Mikey, Christa, and Ray. Alicia's parents and Frank's mom were there waiting for us, too. They were all talking to us at once, asking questions about how Manchester had been and if the concert was totally awesome and all this other stuff. But I couldn't focus on any of it.

I looked around the airport with the eyes, trying to see if my mom was anywhere. I checked my phone to see if there were any messages or anything from her. Nothing. I thought my mom and I had made some progress in our relationship, but then she went ahead and ignored me. I just didn't understand.

"I tried calling your mom this weekend. And I went over there, but she wasn't home. I'm sorry, Roslyn," Donna said to me. She must have seen my crestfallen face.

Despite my obvious hurt and disappointment, I shrugged it off. "No problem. She's been really busy with work lately. It's not too surprising."

I gripped Fran's hand for emotional support.

"Frank and I can take you home if you want. We've go to drop the rest of the boys at their houses anyway."

"Okay. Thanks, Donna."

"No problem, dear."

Gerard scooted closer to Frank and I. "Hey man, can I borrow your girlfriend for the day? There are some things I need to talk to her about."

"Ask her, not me."

Gerard and Frank both looked at me. It felt a little awkward, both of them wanting an answer from me. I told Gerard I'd talk with him before I'd decided to talk to Frank. But I'd also come to the conclusion that I needed to tell Frank first and then Gerard.

But God, did I miss Gerard! I really just wanted some alone time with him, too. I'd spent the last few days without him, and I wanted bonding time, just Roslyn and Gerard,

"Okay. We can hang at your house. I don't really want to go home to my empty one anyway."

"Cool." Gerard smiled slightly at me.

"I might fall asleep though."

"Jet lag?"

"Yeah. And a major headache."

"I'll be brief. Then you can sleep. Kay, princess?"

I smacked Gerard's arm. "Don't call me princess. That's almost as bad as Tinkerbell."

"It's why I do it."

I gave him an evil glare, but Gerard just kept grinning at me. I swear, that boy drives me crazy sometimes! I don't know what it was about him that did this to me, but it happened every time. There was just some weird inescapable aura around him I just couldn't resist.

"Ready guys?" Donna asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. We walked out of the airport and all tried to shove into her SUV. Since Ray was the tallest, he got front seat privileges. And since Christa was so tiny, she agreed to sit on his lap, since the car only fit five people. Mikey sat in the back seat behind Ray and Christa. Gerard sat on the opposite end behind Donna, and Frank took the middle seat. I took his lap.

The car ride was full of chatter amongst Ray and Mikey and Christa, but none between Frank, Gerard, and I. I hated this awkward feeling that just came crawling in my bones when I was around them both. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I just made it awkward. After all, at one point I was so sure Gerard was my soul mate. Maybe I sometimes still did. I didn't know anymore. All I know is that it got incredibly hard to think when I was around them. I got nervous and frightened and I was begging silently for things to just be normal.

Donna pulled in to Ray's driveway without me realizing how much time had passes. Christa and Ray got out of the car.

"Christa, it'll be really good to catch up with you sometime soon," I told her. "We should find a day to hang out."

She smiled warmly at me. "Sure."

They closed the car door and they walked into Ray's house.

"We can get out here too, Donna," Mikey told Frank's mom. "We live literally right there."

Mikey and Gerard unbuckled their seatbelt and I got out of Frank's lap. He handed me my bag of stuff. "Thanks for the ride," I told his mom. "And thanks for trying with my mom."

"Sure, Roslyn," she replied.

We walked the few feet to the Way house. Mikey disbanded from Gerard and I and went off to his room. We walked down the steps to Gerard's basement room.

The second we entered, I collapsed onto his bed and shut my eyes. The bed dipped and made a creaking noise as Gerard lay down beside me. He flung an arm across my shoulders and I sniggled into his chest, humming appreciatively at how warm his embrace was.

We just laid there like that for a few moments, wrapped in each other, the rise and fall of our chests the only sound or movement.

"You wanted to talk?" I murmured sleepily.

Gerard cleared his throat. "I told you we would when you got home."

I hadn't forgotten, of course. I moved out of Gerard's arms, opening my eyes and pushing myself up into a sitting position. "Okay."

"Why is it bugging you so much that we haven't told you what happened when we were kids?"

I shrugged. I felt left out. I felt like they didn't trust me. I felt like they didn't love me enough to enclose personal details of their life without me. It had always been the four boys: Gerard, Mikey, Frank, and Ray. The rest of us weren't privy to their secret society. It just hurt.

"I don't know, same reason it's bugging you guys that I haven't talked about Tyler."

A flicker of emotions played upon his countenance, too quick for me to decipher. Gerard sat there thinking, eyebrows furrowed, furiously chomping on a piece of gum I hadn't known he'd been chewing.

"The thing?" he finally said. "It's about my dad."

I looked at him, shocked. Mikey and Gerard _never_ talked about liking their father. All I'd ever heard was bad things, which I personally couldn't grasp since I was still grieving over the death of my dad. Mikey told me his dad was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Gerard told me he fucking hated his father, and would do anything in the world to lay him down in a shallow grave. It shouldn't have surprised me that all of their problems were to blame on him, but it still did.

"Oh," I simply said. I wasn't sure what kind of a response he wanted from me, much less what to even say to that.

"I…I'm not sure what to say about it yet. I just thought I owed you at least a detail of what happened."

I nodded. Then I moved closer to him, snuggling in his arms again, my head resting on his shoulder. "It's okay, Gerard. We can talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"Like what happened on the last episode of _Supernatural._"

"Mmm. You missed a good episode."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Castiel watched porn in the room with Sam and Dean. And then made out with demon Meg before she risked her life to stop the hell hounds."

My jaw dropped, and I giggled uncontrollable. "Cas watched porn?"

"Uh huh. He got a boner from it, too."

"What the fuck?" I commented. "Best episode ever! I'm so sorry I missed it."

"Me, too. Mikey doesn't get the show the way you and I do."

"That sucks," I mumbled, starting to fall asleep again. I mean, curled up in Gerard's arms, it was just _so_ warm and comfortable, and I couldn't help closing my eyes and wanting to drift off. I hadn't slept the entire time on the planes for fear I was going to have nightmares like last time. My body was begging for sleep.

As soon as I was so sure I was about to fall asleep, Gerard softly spoke to me. "Ros?"

"Mmm," I mumbled sleepily.

"Do you love Frank?"

My mind was too muddled to form some profound answer. I just shifted my position on his arms, my body practically laying on half of his. "Can I answer later?"

"Because if you do," he whispered, "all I'll ever try to be is your best friend, nothing more. If you don't believe in us, I won't fight for nothing."

His cool lips gently caressed my forehead. I fell away from the world then, too tired to comprehend his words.

When I woke up, I didn't have a clue what time it was. My body was a bit stuff from lying in one position for a long time and my mouth felt really dry. I stretched out on Gerard's bed, trying carefully not to wake his sleeping form. I glanced at his _Star Wars _alarm clock, which read 11:07 AM. Damn, Guess I really was tired.

I looked around Gerard's basement room. Rays of sunlight were poking through his small window above us. His beat up TV was showing some morning cartoon, but the sound was on mute. His dresser was littered with black clothes and lots and lots of paper. His desk had more paper and his art supplies. His bookshelf held tons of series and issues of comic books, along with his copies of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and _The Catcher In The Rye_ that I'd bought him. His room was just…so him, down the minimal sunlight. He had been Vampire Guy when I'd first met him, after all.

I felt my phone vibrating underneath me and searched for it. I found it lying beneath my butt. The caller ID said it was Frank, and I quickly answered it. "Hello?" I whispered into the receiver.

Gerard groaned beside me and threw the covers over his face. I scooted out of his bed and went out in the hallway, shutting Gerard's door behind me.

"Where are you?" he asked me.

"I'm at Gerard's."

"Still?"

I hadn't intended to stay the whole night at his place. It just sort of happened. But still, I hated the sharp edge that always took over Frank's tone when I talked about hanging out just Gerard and I.

"Yeah, I was really tired. I fell asleep on him. Why?"

"I wrote you a song. I wanted to play it for you."

I smiled at his words. He'd never written me a song before. I'd hung out with him countless times as he'd strum out a tune on Pansy and furiously scribble down lyrics. But they'd never been about me, not that I knew of.

"I'll be home soon. Wait for me?" I asked.

"Sure. I love you."

I swallowed hard, remembering Gerard's question last night. _Do you love Frank?_ I hadn't been able to give him an answer. And now, I couldn't bring myself to say it back.

"Yeah. Bye." I hung up before he could say anything more.

I slipped back into Gerard's room quietly. The bag I'd packed for Manchester was still sitting at the foot of Gerard's bed, right where I had left it when I first got there.

Gerard was up now. He was pulling a black t-shit over his head and I tried not to linger over his bare stomach. His skin was so pale, sometimes I really wondered if he was a vampire. That is, if vampires were real.

I cleared my throat so he would know I was here. He pulled his shirt all the way down, to my relief, and turned to face me. "Hi," he said, a grin on his face. But it wasn't just any grin. It was that crazy grin, which showed his dimples and revealed all of his cute baby teeth. He looked beyond adorable when he gave me that grin. "Who was that on the phone?"

"Uh, it was Frank. I'm gonna get dressed and get going."

"Let me walk you home. You don't need to walk these Jersey streets alone, looking as pretty as you do."

I rolled my eyes. "We're in our neighborhood, Gerard. Nothing bad is going to happen to me."

"I still want to walk you home," he insisted.

I sighed heavily. I wouldn't mind a little more of his company, but I didn't know what Frank would say about it. Especially since Gerard's words last night had come back into my memory. _If you don't believe in us, then I won't fight for nothing._ Did I still believe in Gerard and I? I suppose I did. After all, I wouldn't be worried about what Frank would say to Gerard walking me home if I'd lost my belief in us. I mean, Gerard and I _were_ just friends, but I wouldn't be in this mental place I'm in now if that's all he meant to me. It wasn't possible.

"Fine!" I told him, dragging out the syllables. "You can walk me home."

He gave me the grin. "Yay! Okay, you can get dressed in here. Just come upstairs when you're finished."

And with that he left me alone in his bedroom. I opened my bag and extracted my favourite jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I got ready quickly, not bothering to mess with my hair or makeup. Instead, I took the liberty of going back to snooping through Gerard's room.

I sat at his desk and searched through all the loose leaf paper scattered everywhere. There were countless pictures of a guy and a girl covered in blood, their hearts ripped from their chests and lying on the ground. Then there were the pages of prose he'd written, which is what I really wanted to look through.

My eyes skimmed over a page titled _Demolition Lovers_.

_Hand in mine, into your icy blues. And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway with this trunk of ammunition, too. I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets. I'm trying, I'm trying to let you know how much you mean._

The words ended there. Gerard had written more, but they were so severely scratched out that I couldn't read any of it.

I placed the paper back where I found it and grabbed my bag. I shouldn't have read t hat. Now I felt guilty. It could have been something personal I'd read…and the words had me thinking too much.

When I reached the upstairs, Gerard was holding a brown paper bag and Mikey was sitting at the counter, his hair sticking up everywhere and his glasses were crooked on his face. He was attacking a jelly donut and a steaming mug of coffee was placed beside him.

Gerard held up the bag and I noticed cups of coffee behind him. "My mom did a Dunkin Donuts run for us. We can eat them as we walk to your place."

I nodded. We said goodbye to Mikey and walked to my house.

We were both silent at first. I held the warm cup of coffee in my hands, shivering a little at the bitter wind. Gerard opened the brown bag and handed me my favourite kind of donut, the kind with the crème inside of it. I didn't care how many calories were packed into this thing; it was too good for me to care.

I sipped at my hot coffee and at my donut and Gerard's actions were mirroring mine. Then, when we were nearing my house, I took the liberty of speaking some of my thoughts out loud. "You know, I haven't forgotten the question you asked me last night."

"Yeah?" he asked, seemingly uninterested. He probably just didn't want to hear my answer.

"Mhm. I can't really give you a definite answer. But if I did love Frank, it doesn't mean I'd lose faith in us."

Gerard didn't answer. As we were almost at my house, we could hear Frank strumming on his guitar. Gerard then took the bag I'd been carrying off my shoulders and carried it for me. I gave him a weird look, by the just stared back innocently at me.

"Hey, Frank," I said as we approached him. He looked up and stopped playing. He stared at us for a few seconds, his emotions not clear on his face. "Hey," he finally said back in a flat tone.

"You can come over if you want. Gerard's leaving as soon as he drops my stuff off."

"Okay." He stood up off his porch and carried his acoustic by its neck.

I unlocked my front door and pointed to a spot on the kitchen counter for Gerard to place my stuff on. I noticed on the kitchen counter was all my mom's stuff: her car keys, her purse, her beloved laptop. She didn't go anywhere without these things. Which meant she was home.

"Hey guys, I'm gonna go see if my mom's here," I told them and walked down the hall to my mom's room.

I knocked gently on her door. "Mom?" I called. She didn't answer. Thinking hard, I decided to just open the door.

The stench of blood was overpowering. Red was all over her bed sheets. My mom's lifeless body was lying on her bed, her clothes soaked through with the garnet liquid. I shiny pistol was beside her still form, silencer still attached. She was dead. Mom was dead.

I gagged at the scent and the scene before me. _So much blood_. I couldn't even think. My hands were shaking violently and I slid against her bedroom door to keep my knees from buckling. My breathing grew labored and my heart was thrumming in my chest.

I just stared. I couldn't move, couldn't divorce myself from Mom's dead body. This was real. This wasn't a dream.

"Hey, Roslyn, I'm gonna—" Gerard's voice dropped off. Then, "Frank! Call 911!" I was aware Gerard was yelling, but his words sounded distant to me, so muted and far away.

"Roslyn? Roslyn!" Gerard shouted, shaking me. I couldn't snap out of it.

"What's going on?" Frank asked.

"Just call 911, damn it!" Gerard yelled.

"Oh, my God!" Frank said. He paused for a few minutes. "Hello, I need an ambulance here!" was all I heard before his voice drifted away.

"Roslyn," Gerard pleaded, his voice soft and low. He wasn't shouting at me anymore. He picked me off the ground and moved me to one of my kitchen table chairs. The image of blood still stayed behind my lids. My ears were still muffled.

"She's dead," I muttered.

I felt someone's fingers slide into mine, squeezing them tight. "It'll be okay. The ambulance is on the way. Frank's called both his and my mom."

"No!" I insisted. "She's dead. Mom's dead…I'm alone."

Gerard sighed and wrapped his arms around me in a bone crushing hug. I squeezed my eyes tight, feeling scared, but safe in his embrace. "You're not alone," he whispered. "I'm here."

The sound of sirens seemed to snap me out of my trance, and suddenly my ears weren't ringing anymore. EMTs burst in and Frank directed them to my mom's room. I couldn't go back there and see what they were going. I couldn't look into my mom's openly dead eyes again.

Both Frank and Gerard's moms arrived soon after, and murmured comforting words to me. They calmed me down and talked to the EMTs and the police that had showed up.

When they brought my mom out on the stretcher, covered in the black plastic, I shuddered, and hid my face in Gerard's chest. He stroked my hair soothingly.

It seemed to last forever before everything died down and the people left my house. However, I wasn't allowed to stay here, because it was a crime scene.

"Can she stay with us, Mom?" Frank asked.

I shook my head violently. "No. I…I can't stay there, it's too close to here."

"Ma?" Gerard addressed.

"She can stay with us if she wants."

I nodded. "Thank you."

Everyone was talking in hushed tones around me, scared of setting me off while they discussed plans and issues. Frank and Donna left a few minutes later.

"Roslyn, I'm gonna help Ma gather some of your stuff."

I felt Gerard pull away from me, and almost had a panic attack. "Please don't leave me!" I pleaded. "Please! I…I can't be alone. You can't leave! If you leave then you'll die, too. And I'll be alone." I was hyperventilating, scared that Gerard was going to waltz out of my life and never come back.

"Okay, okay! I'm here, babe. I'm right here. I'm not leaving." He wrapped his arms around me in a hug, and instantly my breathing went back to normal. "I'm right here," he murmured.

His mom got my stuff together and drove us back to their house. Gerard stayed by my side the entire time, our skin constantly making contact. His mom was letting me stay in Gerard's room for me, since I didn't want to be alone.

We just curled up in his bed for what seemed like endless hours, though I'm sure it wasn't very long at all. My world was not fractured anymore; it was almost completely shattered. I hurt. I just wanted to be numb.

"I can't do this," I told Gerard.

"Do what, sweetheart?" He questioned.

"_This._ This whole…pain thing. When my dad died, I numbed myself. I can't go through this pain.

"Yes, you can."

"Says the guy who likes to take pills and drink booze."

"You don't need to take that shit, Roslyn."

"Fine, then let me cut."

His arms tightened around me. "No. I'm not gonna let you hurt yourself."

"What happened to the guy I first met, who begged me just to drink a little more with him and dance all night so he didn't have to be reminded what a fucked up vampire he was?" I lashed out at him brutally.

"He grew up." Gerard's voice was hard. "He grew up and learned what it was like to love someone in this ugly world."

I lay there quietly, tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't want to cry. Why couldn't I be strong about anything? I was I so goddamn weak?

I couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears fell from my eyes. My voice caught in my throat and I let out sobs. Gerard just let me cry in his chest until I started to hyperventilate again.

"Can you sing to me?" I gasped out.

"Sing what?" He was panicking at the sight of me panicking.

"Something you wrote. Anything."

His eyes narrowed as he made a choice of what to sing. And then he sang the most beautiful song to me.

"We hold in our hearts the sword and the faith. Swelled up from the rain, clouds move like a wraith. Well after all, we'll lie another day. And through it all we'll find some other way to carry on through cartilage and fluid. And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

"Well tonight, well tonight, will it ever come? Spent the rest of your days rocking out just for the dead. Well tonight, will it ever come? I can see you awake anytime in my head.

"Did we all fall down? Did we all fall down? Did we all fall down? Did we all fall down? From the lights to be pavement. From the van to the floor. From backstage to the doctor. From the earth to the morgue, morgue, morgue, morgue.

"Well tonight, will it ever come? Spent the rest of your days rocking out just for the dead. Well tonight, will it ever come? I can see you awake anytime in my head.

"All fall down. Well after all…"

I sniffled and wiped away some of my tears. "Can you sing it again?" I whispered.

I fell asleep to him singing it on repeat.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21:

I got very little sleep. I kept seeing images of my mom, bullet holes riddling her stomach, red pouring onto her clothes, spilling on the sheets, as she slumped down, bleeding out, becoming lifeless. Every time I fell asleep, that sight would come bubbling up, and I strongly remembered the iron such smell of too much blood. It assaulted my senses.

It had been a really rough night, but Gerard was there the entire time. He was immediately calming and kind, even though he had no idea what it was like to be an orphan, to have absolutely no parents at all. He'd never lost anyone like that. I was alone in this grieving.

When I'd woken up a couple hours ago, Gerard was sound asleep. I was okay now. Well, not okay, but I wasn't going to go into hyperventilation mode again. I let him sleep while I just laid there, thinking about absolutely everything I had done. I thought about my whole life, of how when I was younger I'd been so full of joy and energy. My dad encouraged me in everything I had done. I was opinionated and stubborn. And even back then, my mom and I hadn't gotten along.

Then little kid Rosie grew up, went to middle school, and tried so desperately hard to have friends and be popular. I dressed like the cheerleaders did, I listened to their music, I spoke their language. I'd just wanted to be accepted and fit in. And when they let me join their group, I was ecstatic. We practically ruled the school. We were loud and obnoxious and more than anyone could handle. But when I was with them, I had fun. And that's all that had mattered.

My mom seemed to approve of me then, too. She was happy that I seemed carefree. We didn't argue. We got along, but we still weren't close. It was still my dad I turned to and looked at to foster my dreams.

At night, after I'd lied about doing my homework and had really spent my time gossiping on the phone, I would sit next to my dad on the couch and he'd teach me something new and different. One time he played a Billie Holiday record for me, asked me if the music meant anything to me. For a few months afterwards, he played me a lot of records, and then we compared them to the music I listened to with my friends, and it let me see which one I truly liked best.

After that, we spent countless nights of him reading Shakespeare's plays to me. When he was reading _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, I grew fascinated by Puck and King Oberon and the land of faeries, and began to ask him questions about it. That led to reading gothic novels of Poe, Shelley, Stoker, and many more. That led me on a journey to Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton and Emily Dickinson, whose poetry was filled with so much emotion it made me ache. My dad I bonded over these things, and I loved seeing his eyes light up every time I shared a passion with him.

But then Tyler and I became romantically involved, and I stopped having those kinds of nights with my dad. Instead, I replaced them with sex and pain. I'd sneak I my house at three AM, and sink onto my bedroom floor, feeling guilty and depressed. But I continued to lose my identity in Tyler, and I stopped even seeing my parents altogether when I could. My mom and I would just end up having screaming matches and the disappointed look in my dad's once proud eyes made me want to drag a razor blade across my flesh for being such a bad, weak person.

After my dad got sick, I lost myself further in my passions. Why not just be a disappointed for real if we had already thought I was one? I hadn't been there the day he died in the hospital, and didn't even go to his funeral. I was too broken and desperate to be numb for that.

And then I had to move to Jersey and break things off with Tyler. And of course that's when I met the best people in the world, who cared and tried to lend me their strength when I didn't have any of my own. And they confused me off and on about who I wanted to be with: Frank or Gerard.

Except now everything was so clear. That was the thing about death. It made you appreciate the people in your life and realize how you wanted to live it. After my dad's death, I saw how twisted I'd let things get, and told Tyler how disgusted I felt about our relationship. And now, after my mom, I'd clung hopelessly to Gerard, afraid to lose him. And yet I had just let Frank walk out the door.

I wasn't in love with Frank. I loved him, but not enough. I wasn't afraid to lose him the way I had been with Gerard. In reality, I'd used Frank. I _wanted_ to be in love with him. I _wanted_ to feel just for him. And I'd tried so hard to change my mind about it by being with him. But it just didn't flow naturally the way it did with Gerard. I had been trying to deny it this whole time, but it had always been him. The whole time. I didn't want to pretend anymore.

But I knew it was still going to hurt when I ended things with Frank. Of course it was. I deeply cared about him, and the thought of breaking up, even though I knew it was the right thing to do, did not sit well with me. I was going to need a little self-medication beforehand to get me through it okay.

Gerard stirred beside me, and I sighed softly, my thoughts no longer to myself. He stretched his bones and wiped the sleep out of his eyes and mussed up his long hair with his fingers.

"Hi," he said. "You're awake. Are you okay?

I shrugged. "Sure."

He nodded. "Okay. Well, I'll go make us some coffee and whatever you want to eat and bring it back to you."

"No, that's okay," I said. "I need to get up and face things. I can't sit on your room and hide forever."

He and I got up out of bed and went to the kitchen, where Mama Way was slicing up strawberries. She smiled at me kindly when she saw me and leaned forward to give me a hug.

"Hi, Roslyn. I'm making some toast with Nutella and strawberries if you want some. And there's a fresh pot of coffee in the maker."

"Thank you."

"Sure." Two pieces of toast popped up from the toaster then, and she put them of a plate and began to slather Nutella on it. Gerard and I grabbed mugs of coffee.

As she prepared the food, she talked to me. "Roslyn, I know right now the last thing you want now is to talk about your mother, but there are some things you should probably know."

I took a scalding sip of my coffee, wishing I could put some kind of vodka or whiskey remedy in it. "Talk away." I was extremely curious to hear what she had to say about that.

"The police called last night. It seems that the whole time you were in Manchester she was getting her affairs in order: updating her will and closing bank accounts, quitting her job, selling some of her possessions. She'd been planning to die."

I nodded slowly. Somehow that didn't surprise me. She'd been extremely depressed recently and there was no way to help her. If she hadn't been contemplating suicide, she had been looking for ways to indirectly kill herself.

"Did she kill herself?" I asked, remembering the scene I had stumbled upon. There were so many bullet holes scattered across her stomach. The gun had been next to her right arm, silencer still attached.

"No. The bullets were fired too far away for her to have done it to herself. But her death hadn't come as a shock to her. They found a sort of suicide note on her laptop. It was…addressed to you."

I picked at the crust of the toast Mama Way had given me. I chewed it slowly, calmly, just thinking of what it could have said.

"Oh," I simply said. I didn't know what else to say.

"Yes. And also, I've been on the phone with the funeral home this morning. You knew her better than we did. I don't know what kind of music to play, or what flowers and coffin to get."

I didn't want to think of my mom's funeral. I'd heard my mom on the phone planning my dad's, her voice wavering, but no tears ever falling. I racked my brain, searching for the kinds of things my mom had planned out with my dad. "Umm…she liked cherry wood and lilies. And for music…she likes Ross Copperman. I'm sure there's a good funeral song by him. If not, you can just play _The Funeral_ by Band of Horses. That's what played at my dad's."

"I'm sorry to have to ask you these questions, but I wanted it to be perfect," Mama Way apologized.

"It's okay."

She nodded and picked up the phone to dial the funeral home back, stepping out of the kitchen.

I went back to eating my toast and drinking my coffee. Gerard had already finished and was starting at me. I blushed, and finished my food before I told him what I needed to say. I swallowed my last bite and said to him, "I need to talk to you."

He was about to reply when Mikey walked into the kitchen. He looked around and asked, "Where's Mom?"

"She's on the phone with the funeral home," Gerard informed them.

"Oh." Mikey turned toward me then. "Listen, Ros, I'm so sorry—"

"I know," I responded, cutting him off. "Thanks."

Just then there was a knick at their front door. Mikey excused himself to go answer it.

As soon as he was gone, Gerard drifted over to my side. "What do you need to talk about?"

"Roslyn!" I heard Alicia yell and she jumped straight into my arms, knocking my body back against the counter with the force of her hug. "I'm so sorry!" she gushed. "I wanted to call you last night to see how you were doing, but my dad told me to give you some space. How are you?"

"I don't know," I told her honestly. "I kind of don't know how to take it all in."

Her fingers stroked through my hair in a comforting manner. "Well, all of us are here today for moral support. Sometimes you need your friends to lean on."

For the first time, I looked around the kitchen to see that all of us were here: me, Gerard, Mikey, Alicia, Ray, Christa, and Frank. They all cared. They were all here for me during this time, just here for whatever I need.

I smiled at all of them, starting to feel emotional again. These guys were great. I was used to friends who'd shunned me when life got dark, not ones who stuck my my side through everything. "You guys are awesome!" I told them.

"I brought that coconut milk ice cream you like so much. I know you're not vegan anymore, but I thought you'd like it." Christa held up a plastic bag with a pint of the ice cream in it.

"Yeah, and we weren't exactly sure what kind of day you were having, so Frank brought your favorite movies and I brought some cds to listen to," Ray chimed in.

"Or if you don't want us at all, we can leave, too. Whatever you want, Ros," Frank added. His eyes held questions in them, and I knew I needed to have a serious conversation with him about our relationship. But not yet. I needed a day with just my friends.

"No, I want you guys there. I think it'll help."

He nodded.

Mama Way came back in then, placing her phone on the counter. "Oh, hi!" he told the new additions to the house. "It's a good thing you guys are here. Roslyn, there's an opening tomorrow at 12:30 if that's okay with you. If not, we can do it Sunday morning."

Wow. This was all happening so suddenly. I couldn't put my finger on it. It was hard to think just yesterday I found my mom lying in a pool of her own blood and tomorrow she would be lying in the ground, buried and gone. Everything about this was real. I wasn't sleeping or getting lost in my imagination. This was really happening. And I couldn't bear to drag it out anymore. I didn't care if I was being insensitive, but I needed this process to be over and done with as soon as possible.

"Um, tomorrow's good," I told Mama Way. I had a simple black dress in my bag I could wear. Not having to shop for something to wear was a big plus.

"Okay, sweetie."

"Did you get the music picked out?" I asked.

She nodded. "I think we found stuff that fit."

"Good," I murmured. Music was so prevalent on my mind now. I needed something calming to take my mind off the fact my mom was going to be six feet under my this time tomorrow.

"Hey, Ray?" I asked, turning to him. "Did you bring anything by The Cure?"

"Yes, I did, actually. Do you want to listen to them?"

I nodded fervently. I was dying to get lost in their soothing music. Nothing else was making sense. And I'm sure not only would it help me cope with my feelings and stop my urge to self-medicate, which was still very prevalent in my mind, but also help me to find the right words when I did end up breaking things off with Frank. Because right now I was a basketcase, and I'm pretty sure when the time came I was going to say or do the wrong thing and completely screw everything up.

"We can hang out in my room," Mikey offered. "My room's cooler than Gerard's vortex."

"Hey, I like my vortex!" Gerard argued.

"Well, I would too if I was a vampire. Unfortunately some of us like the sun every once in a while."

Gerard frowned, but followed his younger brother into his bedroom. Most of us could fit on Mikey's bed if we all sat cross-legged, but there was a small love seat in front of the window for a couple people to sit on. I chose to sit on the love seat upon entering the room, and Frank sat right down next to me.

"Hi," he whispered.

"Hi," I whispered back.

"I feel like it's been ages since we've spent time together. Can we hang out tomorrow after the funeral, or do you want some time alone?"

I didn't want to prolong the inevitable for too long. Frank and I really needed to talk. Not just about how my feelings had changed, but about other things, too. There were many issues we had yet to discuss and we just needed to get everything out in the open; to air our dirty laundry, so to speak.

"No…tomorrow is good. We'll talk and you can play me the song you wrote or whatever."

He smiled softly. "You didn't forget."

"Nope, I didn't. You don't tend to forget things like when a guy writes a song about his girlfriend."

Frank inhaled sharply when I said the world "girlfriend." I have him a quizzical look to see what it was about, but he never gave me an answer.

Ray turned on Mikey's stereo and the familiar sound of The Cure filled the room. I leaned into the love seat, getting comfortable. Frank grasped my hand in his, and his thumb traced light circles. His touch made me feel guilty, but comforted me at the same time.

After we all got situated, I cleared my throat. "I know you guys want to ask questions, so just go for it."

No one spoke for a few minutes. The silence hung thick in the air for a while. Then Alicia spoke first.

"So how are you _really_ doing? 'I don't know' isn't a good enough answer for me. I want to know what's going on with you."

"I'm still in shock about it," I told her honestly.

"Are you okay, though? I mean, you haven't…" She didn't have to finish the sentence for me to know what she meant.

"I wouldn't let her," Gerard informed her. "And I'm not going to let her."

"How…um, how did she die?" Christa asked me quietly.

"She was shot. I think she was too scared to kill herself, so she got someone to do it for her. The police said it was premeditated and she has a recent will and everything. I guess she'd been planning it for a while."

"Did you know she was this bad?" Mikey asked.

"Somewhat. I knew she was getting really depressed. But it seemed like she was happier the last few days before I left for Manchester. Maybe it was her just making amends."

"We'll all be at the funeral tomorrow. And when you come back to school, we'll kick anyone's ass who stares and talks about you."

I laughed. "That's sweet, Ray. Thanks."

He winked at me.

We all engaged in idle chitchat for most of the day. Well, they did. I just kind of listened to them argue over how awful _Pokemon_ has gotten and which superhero would win in a DC/Marvel crossover. I liked listening to the bickering and how they lightheartedly insulted each other. I just laid my head on Frank's lap and laughed at the conversations taking place while he gently stroked my hair.

The Cure cd Ray had brought had been playing the entire time. Each time it ended, I got p to turn it back on and listen to its soothing qualities over again. No one complained as we listened to the cd on repeat until they had to leave for the night.

I hugged each of them goodbye and then followed Gerard down to his room. "I'm gonna get ready for bed," I told him.

He nodded in acknowledgement, and I went to his bathroom. I noticed his razor that was normally by the sink was now mysteriously missing. I sighed loudly in frustration. Gerard knew me. And after last night, I guess he wasn't taking any chances.

I finished getting ready and then climbed into Gerard's bed. He was watching _How I Met Your Mother_, the volume on very low. I crawled into his arms like I had last night and squeezed my eyes shut. I knew I needed to sleep. I needed all the strength I could get to deal with all of tomorrow's events.

Despite my efforts to sleep, I found myself tossing and turning most of the night. After hours of this, I sighed and decided to catch a shower. I grabbed my toiletries and took them to the bathroom, then searched around for a razor. I searched literally everywhere I could think of, but couldn't find anything.

Pissed off, I tore through Gerard's room, turned the light on, and started to yell. "I need a fucking razor, Gerard!"

He put a pillow over his face to shield the light. "No you don't," he argued.

"Yes, I do."

"For what?"

"I'm wearing a fucking dress to my mother's funeral. I have to shave my legs."

"Is that all you need it for? I mean, you're not going to cut or anything stupid like that?"

I sighed in frustration and glared daggers at his pillow. "So what if I am?"

"Then you don't get the razor."

"You are such an asshole! Let me live my fucking life, Gerard! You can't decide what I can and can't do."

He turned over so he was lying on his stomach, pillow still over his head. "Turn the light off when you leave the room, please."

"Ugh! I hate you!"

I slammed his door loudly.

"Love you, too," I heard him say back.

I stormed into the bathroom and took my shower. I quickly got myself showered. And still being angry afterwards, I took my sweet time blow drying my hair and straightening it before I finally let myself out of the bathroom and back into Gerard's room.

His eyebrows rose when I walked in, wearing a pair of Soffee shorts and a black tank top. It was still too early to get dressed in my black dress, especially for someone who hate wearing dresses to begin with.

Gerard tried to talk to me but I just ignored him by getting my makeup out and started to dab foundation onto a sponge. I knew I was being childish, but I didn't like being controlled. He shouldn't take away my power, but rather let me choose myself whether I wanted to cut my wrists or not. I didn't think a little freedom was too much to ask for.

By the time I'd finished getting all my makeup on, Gerard came back down to his room, black slacks on without a shirt. I put my dress on while he slipped a black button down on himself. His hair was still damp and a little messy.

"Do you think I should wear makeup?" he asked me.

I looked at his _Star Wars _clock. "There's no time, unless you can do it in five minutes." That was an impossible task for Gerard.

"Eh, oh well."

I wore black heels and checked my appearance once more in the mirror. Then I received a shock as Gerard locked his arms around me in a hug. "I'm sorry. I'm doing everything all wrong."

But he was at least still trying, and showing me he cared. "It's just a weird day, and I freaked. I didn't mean to call you an asshole."

"I know, Roslyn."

Mama Way knocked lightly on the door just then. "Are you guys ready? We need to leave."

Gerard turned out his light and we got into his mom's car along with Mikey and Mama Way drove us to the place. I was shaking slightly from the cold and slightly from the nerves once we got there.

Not too many people came to the funeral. It was me and my friends and their parents and then a bunch of my mom's coworkers. That was it. There was no family for me to call after Mom died. Her parents had died before I was born. Dad's parents had been in a car accident when I was five. And that was that. Both were only children and didn't have a good relationship with their relatives. It had been just us three before Dad died.

The priest said the standard funeral stuff, and I politely declined from going up and speaking about my mom, but rather asked if others wanted to. A few of her coworkers got up and said some really nice stuff about her.

Then they played her funeral song, which I recognized from my mom playing it around the house all last year. It was _Holding On and Letting Go_ by Ross Copperman. I smiled wryly at how perfectly the song fit with just about everything at the moment.

The funeral ended shortly after the song did. And then it was time for the reception at the Way house, only close friends invited. And after that, shit was about to get real.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N:**

**Holy mother of God! It's been so LONG since I've updated. I'm almost ashamed to call myself a writer. I've been literally sitting here, looking at the two and a half pages of this chapter I'd had written, and just COULD NOT find anything to write. I had to force myself to sit down and write something. And this is the result. And it sucks. I really don't know how I feel about this chapter. I don't know how _you're _gonna feel. It's a bit shorter than the rest of my chapters. But the one I'm about to post after this is a bit longer, so I hope that tides you over. PLEASE PLEASE forgive me, and seriously let me know what you think of this chapter. I'm dreading the horrible things you guys will say.  
**

**xo,  
**

**Hailee  
**

Chapter 22:

Frank and I found some time away from our friends to have to ourselves. The parents were all discussing things quietly and my friends were talking like they had yesterday while my mind drifted away from them. I kept thinking of Gerard and tracking his motions, of how his artistic hands moved when he reached up to muss his hair and when he would explain something, his arms just fling around wildly. I liked those things about him.

We escaped out the back door and walked to his house, hand in hand. I swallowed hard as I saw my house, with the stark yellow crime scene tape on it. My eyes burned, but no tears formed. We went straight to Frank's room and he cradled one of his acoustic guitars as we sat on his bed.

"Can I play you the song I wrote? I think you'll get the reference. I know you like 80s movies and stuff, so I named it Lloyd Dobbler."

I smiled sofly. "After John Cusack's character on _Say Anything._" That was one of my favorite 80s movies of all time. I liked that Frank remembered that.

He nodded. "Do you wanna hear it?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Okay." He made sure his guitar was tuned quickly beforehand and then begun to play the song.

"Why are you so far away even when you're standing next to me? Your eyes give you away, telling secrets when your mouth don't feel like talking.

"And I'll be your Lloyd Dobbler with a boom box out in the street. And I'll be there if you need someone, even if he isn't me.

"Lying in your bed as lights dance across the ceiling, I listen to you breathe, toss and turn in your sleep. And I wish that you'd believe

"That I'll be your Lloyd Dobbler with a boom box out in the street. And I'll be there if you need someone, even if he isn't me.

"There's a Norman Rockwell painting: two kids sitting on a bench. It reminds me of all the stupid things I'd like for us to share. But I don't care."

His words made me nervous and relieved at the same time. On one hand, he knew that I thought about Gerard, and telling him about it would be a lot easier. But on the other hand, _he knew I had feelings for Gerard_, and if I didn't choose him over Gerard, it was going to break him.

"Wow," was all I could manage to get out. I wasn't sure what else to say. I just fidgeted, my eyes on his dark green covers.

"Roslyn? Look at me."

I couldn't. I didn't want to look in his eyes. I didn't want him to see my guilt.

"Ros?" His voice was still gentle, but I knew it was going to change.

With a huge sigh, I looked up at him, and watched his expression change from gentle to hard.

He nodded, tight-lipped. "So this is how it's gonna be, huh?"

"What?" My voice sounded meek, even to me.

"You can't even look at me! I don't know what's going through your head anymore, or if you even care that I'm here for you. I mean, do you care? Do you ever want to be around me anymore?"

"Of course I care, Frank. I'm just dealing with my mom's death."

"No, this started before your mom. You've been pushing me away. What is it? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?"

"No. It's not you."

He sighed heavily. "Fine. It's not me. Then what's this about?"

I didn't want to be cliché and say _it's not you, it's me_, but that's kind of what it was. My unresolved feelings towards Gerard. I didn't want to tell him that, or make him feel like shit. It wasn't the only reason. There was another pressing matter. "It's about Tyler."

"What about him?"

"I just keep getting reminded of him. And it sucks."

"That think with Angie was about him, wasn't it?"

"Yeah."

"You promised you'd talk to me about him."

My hands started to shake. Frank was already really mad at me. Talking about Tyler was going to make it worse. "I…I don't want to do this now."

"When, then? Because I've been asking and asking, and you keep putting it off."

"Well then maybe you should stop asking!" I snapped.

"No fucking way, Roslyn! I'm not letting you get away with this!"

"I don't have to tell you if I don't want to, Frank! It's my right! Stop pushing me."

Tears built up in my eyes; my whole body was shaking like I had tremors. My mom _just died_. Why was he brining up all this horrible shit? I was going to break.

"No! You need to deal with this!"

"No, I don't!" I screamed. "I'm too broken! Talking about this isn't going to fix me! I'm unfixable! I'm just going to fall into pieces and I just can't handle that right now!" My tears fell hard, my sobs sounded like I was being strangled.

"Or you just don't want to be fixed. 'Oh, look, I'm poor Roslyn. My life sucks. Everyone take pity on how pathetic I am!' I'm not buying it, babe. Your life doesn't suck. You've got people here for you. You just want to be the center of attention, all eyes on you, the topic on everyone's' tongues. It's why you've been stringing us along, isn't it?"

"What are you talking about, Frank?" I was hurt he thought this was all about attention.

"Gerard and I! Was your plan just to wrap us both around your little finger, go back and forth between us as you please? You change your mind every time things get hard between one of us! First it's me, then Gerard, then me again, the Gerard now that he's showing interest in you. I'm not waiting around forever for you to make up your mind!"

I cleared my throat, looked at the scars all up and down my arms. "I've already made up my mind for good." _Your little outbursts are helping me feel less guilty about not loving you._

Frank let out a sharp laugh. "Who the fuck do you think you are, Roslyn? You make all these promises and say all these things that we want to hear, when everything that's out of your mouth is just lies and broken promises. You're a hypocrite in the worst sense of the word. I can't believe I could ever fall for someone so blatantly selfish and inconsiderate as you. Who the fuck do you think you are, invading our lives, and turning things upside down the way you do? Maybe we would have all been better off if we had never met you. And now we have to deal with all the bitterness of being exes, and hating each other with every fiber of our being."

My mouth hung open. I didn't know what to say to that. I couldn't understand what I'd done that made him feel that way about me.

"So that's it, then? That's how you feel? We're over just like that? I'm just an ex to you?"

"Yeah, I guess that's it."

"Frank, please don't let it end like this."

He was quiet for a couple minutes, looking down. Then: "I think you should leave now. There's nothing left to say to you."

More of my tears fell as I looked at his hard expression. I saw myself out of his house and walked all the way to the cemetery before allowing myself to break down.

And I mean, I really let go. I sobbed my heart out, screamed myself hoarse, took out my lighter and burned cigarette holes into my stomach. I was in so much pain emotionally. And I couldn't do it…I couldn't feel that way. I couldn't think of how much I'd hurt Frank and let him down. And now he just didn't care at all, when I cared so much. He was so much a part of my life, and just like that he was gone. All because of me. All because I'm a freak. All because I can't handle life. All because I'm a poor excuse for a human being. His words _hurt,_ but burns hurt less, and I needed that to cope. I had to cope.

I couldn't move for the longest time. I was a wreck for much too long. Frank ripped my heart out. I just wanted to lie in the cool grass, become stone like the graves, still like the immobile dead.

The the sun faded and the stars came out and I couldn't bear to stare at its beauty, so I got up and moved. I kept shuffling my feet forward, looking for some kind of answer.

It came to me in the form of QXTs. It was strange, because it was a club that was only open Friday and Saturday nights, and it was Sunday. But there was a line, and flyers. Something about a special event. It was good enough for me. I got in line and got my license out to show the bouncer. He let me in without a hitch.

A Red Hot Chili Peppers song was blasting as I walked into the club, adjusting my under 21 bracelet on my wrist. I closed my eyes for a minute, took a deep breath, and looked out at the people on the dance floor. They were all grinding against each other provocatively and making out. This was going to be a great distraction.

I walked over to the bar stool and sat, leaning my elbows against the counter and scouring the crowd for someone to dance with. I was wearing a tight tank top and short shorts; surely some guy here was gonna find that sexy.

No more than ten minutes, a guy approached me, cocky smile on his face. He had a shock of messy dark brown hair and piercing green eyes. His white v-neck and tight pants left virtually nothing left to the imagination. But then again, neither did my outfit. "I'm Aiden," he told me.

"Roslyn," I said back.

He licked his pink lips. "Can I buy you a drink, Roslyn?"

"Vodka tonic," I responded.

He grinned and signaled the bartender. The bartender quickly made out drinks and handed them off. I dipped gratefully at the drink.

"I haven't seen you around here before."

"It's my first time."

"Oh, is it?"

I nodded.

"You new to town, or…"

"No. I've just been busy." I sipped more at my drink, half gone by now. Aiden's bourbon was almost gone. He took one last gulp and placed his glass on the counter.

The song playing switched to _If I Was Your Vampire_ by Marilyn Manson. "Do you want to dance?" Aiden asked me.

I nodded. He took my hand and led me out to the dance floor. He placed a hand on my lower back and crushed me close to him. I closed my eyes and let the music take over. I grinded hardly against him, my hands roaming over his body. His hand lowered to grip my ass.

I turned around, facing away from him, gyrating my ass against his dick slowly, lowering my body up and down. His hands moved to grip my clit, traveled up under my shirt, squeezed my breasts. He began to kiss and suck my neck, so hard it made me moan. He bit my neck sharply and my knees went weak with pleasure.

"Do you want to go into a back room?" He whispered to me.

I nodded. We walked towards the back of the club, to a room marked Area 51. He opened the door, led me in, closed and locked it. The Marilyn Manson song could still be heard loudly as we headed to the couch.

He pushed me down, lying on top of me, and kissed me hard, his tongue down y throat. His hands roamed all over me, touched me in placed that elicited groans and shivers. I could feel his hard on through his jeans.

I twisted us around, me now straddling Aiden. I unbuttoned his jeans, pulled them down, along with his boxers. He sat up and I moved down to the floor, on my knees. I took his cock into my mouth, licking his head, tasting beats of pre-come. I teased my tongue over him before taking him fully into my mouth and filling him up to the hilt. I moved my mouth back and forth, slowly at first, messing with his head and making him groan, his hands fisting into my hair. I hollowed out my cheeks and moved back and forth, harder, faster, deep throating the man.

"Oh, GOD!" he moaned as my lips wrapped around him, my tongue and teeth lightly teasing him. He was shaking. I blew him faster until he came, sending a hot stream of it into my mouth. I swallowed the salty substance, trying not to grimace at the taste.

I pulled away from Aiden and sat back on the couch, waiting for him to recover.

"Damn," he panted.

I shrugged. "I've had a lot of practice." I knew what made Tyler tick and figured it worked for most guys.

"I can tell."

He looked at me with lust in his brilliant green eyes. He wasted no time pushing me down again, and kissed me so hard and touched me so much I was getting hot and wet. I was aching for him. He pulled my shorts of, rubbed me through the thin fabric of my underwear. I arched my hips up into him and he nipped at my neck. I couldn't breathe. All I could feel was his pleasure.

And then he did something that changed it from pleasure to panic. He grabbed my wrists, moved them above my head, held onto them bruisingly tight as he grinded against me. _Tyler used to do that._ My mind filled with memories of Tyler, things we had gone together. It made me feel uncomfortable.

I pushed Aiden off me a little too harshly. "What the fuck?" he asked me.

I breathed in and out through my nose slowly. "S-sorry," I stuttered. "I…uh, I can't do this. Not right now. I'm gonna hate myself in the morning." _Even more than I already do._

Aiden gave me a weird look, but nodded. "Whatever, man." He got dressed and I pulled up my shorts, tried to smooth down my hair.

"Can I at least give you a ride home?" he asked.

I perused his eyes, looking for an ulterior motive, but he seemed sincere enough.

I nodded. "Okay."

He wrapped an arm around my waist as we walked out way out of the club and to his car. He drove a white Escalade.

I gave him directions to Gerard's house, and he drove me, his hand resting on my inner thigh.

He put the car in park outside Gerard's housed and grabbed a pen and paper from his glovebox. I unbuckled my seatbelt as he wrote something down. The Aiden kissed me slowly before handing me the paper. "Call me," he said seductively.

I just nodded as I got out of his car and he drove away. I sat on the porch and got my lighter and cigarettes out and just sat there, chain smoking and thinking. And hurting.

I was so stupid. I'd screwed up everything with Frank, who thinks I'm an impossible attention whore. He wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I was just an ex to him, the girl he regretted ever meeting. I was nothing to him, and that hurt.

And what the fuck what I thinking hooking up with Aiden, some random guy from the bar? Maybe I was just an attention whore. I'd given myself over to feeling numb. Didn't matter who provided the distraction, I just needed someone to make me forget everything.

Of course it would have the opposite effect on me. Tyler was weighing heavily on my thoughts. Everything we were, everything that happened, was replaying in a loop inside my head. I placed a hand on my head, pressed against it, trying to force the thoughts out before I exploded.

One by one my cigarettes disappeared. And after they were gone, I tiptoed my way in to the house and down to the basement, ready to face real life.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Had this one written for a while, as well as the one after this. But it's not all typed up, because I was bored in class and wrote it all down on paper. So I gotta get that typed up...but there's this one...which you all may or may like. I'm never sure about anything. So just review, mkay?**

**xo,  
**

**Hailee  
**

Chapter 23:

After my escapade at the bar had turned back fruitless and sour, I cleaned myself up a little and got into Gerard's bed and curled up with his comforter, afraid I was going to have an emotional breakdown again, and I so desperately didn't want to go through that again. Instead, I clutched the covers tight and turned on Gerard's tv to distract myself a little.

I let out a small sob as _Titanic_ was on. It was such a good movie, and one that never failed to make me cry. The movie was barely fifteen minutes in, and I could already tell you everything I had missed thus far. Jack and Rose were such a legendary couple, and I loved this movie for not having a happily ever after to such a passionate moment between two people.

Gerard came in the room not too long after that. "Hey," he greeted.

"Hi," I said back, my voice cracking, and I sniffled a little. I so didn't want him to know I had been crying.

He gave me a weird look, but slid into bed beside me. "What's on tv?"

"_Titanic_."

"Ah, such a classic. I love this movie."

"Me too," I told him.

We stopped talking and started watching the movie in completely silence, so focused on the dialogue and plot until there was a commercial break.

"You okay?" he asked me.

"Fine," I said back.

"Roslyn, I can tell when you're lying. Come on, babe, talk to me. What happened?"

I shrugged. I didn't know how to explain the words that were exchanged between Frank and I. So I just told him, "Frank and I broke up," even though it didn't sound like a fair explanation, and too cheap for what exactly did happen.

"Fuck, really? I am _so sorry_, Roslyn. I had no idea."

"It's okay," I told him earnestly. "It just wasn't meant to be between us. We both knew that. We were holding out for something that was going to inevitably end, and we had to let go. Still, we couldn't let it go without having it hurt."

"You know we still have that coconut milk ice cream Christa brought over. We can both get fat by eating it and you can gossip to me like some girls night while we watch the standard chick flick movie."

I laughed at Gerard. He knew just what to say to get me to cheer up just a little bit."No, that's okay. I'm not hungry. I just want to lay here and watch a standard chick flick with you next to me."

"Okay. Whatever you want."

We stopped talking again as the movie started back up, and my mind drifted back to not so pleasant words. _Who the fuck do you think you are, Roslyn? You make all these promises and say all these things that we want to hear, when everything that's out of your mouth is just lies and broken promises. You're a hypocrite in the worst sense of the word. I can't believe I could ever fall for someone so blatantly selfish and inconsiderate as you. Who the fuck do you think you are, invading our lives, and turning things upside down the way you do? Maybe we would have all been better off if we had never met you. And now we have to deal with all the bitterness of being exes, and hating each other with every fiber of our being._

It made me wonder again about when Gerard and I had talked that night on the porch when I was woken up from a dream about my dad. I'd told him about Tyler and he'd told me about Melody, the exes who'd broken us, and how I was now the ex that had broken Frank, even when that's the one thing I hadn't wanted to do. I knew our story, of how I'd hurt Frankie. And I knew the story of my own downfall with Tyler, but I knew nothing about Gerard's past. And I needed to know.

"So what exactly happened with Melody?" I asked Gerard, curious to my core about the ex girlfriend he didn't talk to anymore.

"Ah, it's kind of embarrassing."

I chuckled. "Gerard, this is me you're talking to. I've embarrassed myself enough for both of us."

He made a grunting noise, but answered me anyways. "Well, if you must know," he started, dragging out his words slowly, "Melody and I had been dating for about five months, which is way longer than I ever thought was possible with someone like her. But then nude pictures of her spread across the school that one of the football players had taken of her. Once I figured out the pictures were taken while Melody and I had still been dating, things just kind of stopped between us."

I frowned. That wasn't embarrassing. Not to him, at least. I think it would be more embarrassing for Melody, whose body was exposed to the whole campus of students. I just felt bad for Gerard, since that was a really hurtful thing to go through.

"Does this mean you're gonna tell me what happened with Tyler now?"

I tried to smile at the request. "I don't know, my story is a lot worse than some girl with risqué photos."

"It can't be that bad…can it? I mean, you know I don't judge. I know you, Roslyn. I know you've been hurt. You don't have to pretend with me anymore."

The smile fell from my face and my thoughts began to seriously sober up. Someone needed to know. And if I had to tell anyone, I knew Gerard would be the one who would never look at me differently after I told him my story. Sometimes in order to get closer to someone, you had to take risks, And I wanted to be as close to Gerard as I possibly could. I wanted to take all those risks.

"I met Tyler freshman year. He was the typical player guy who dated a bunch of girls and who hung out with the popular crowd, mainly the guys my friend and I would hang out with. Tyler and I were acquainted, but nothing close to anything we would become. Not yet. I had been warned he dated and slept with lots of girls, and I wasn't about to get my heart crushed.

"But things happen when all of your best friends have boyfriend and you perpetually become the third wheel. I was dying to find someone to date, just anyone. And then Tyler started to take an interest in me. He hadn't been dating anyone for a while, and the more I talked to him, the more I thought he didn't seem like the jerk everyone described him to be. So I decided to take a risk for the sake of my own happiness and sanity.

"And yeah, things were good at first. Really good. I mean, we had a normal relationship and did things normal couples did, like go to movies and fight over stupid stuff and sneak out of our houses at night just to spend time with the other when talking on the phone wouldn't cut it. And there were good times, but we also had our fights. I didn't think anything of them, really, because I was starting to really fall for him, and our relationship was getting more serious, and I knew something more was going to happen between us sometime soon. It was just going to happen, because we couldn't stay in this stagnant relationship bliss forever.

"But it happened to soon. I mean, I still kind of blame myself for it happening. When I would do something Tyler didn't like, he'd say things to me. Usually it was little stuff joking around how I ruin everything I touch. And then he got more serious with his words. And more serious with his fists.

"One night it went a little too far. I don't remember what he got mad about. But he was absolutely livid, throwing things around his room and just screaming. I tried to calm him down, but that's when things got bad. 'All you do is fuck up everyone's lives,' he told me. 'You destroy everything you touch, you fucking whore. Why don't you kill yourself already? You've got nothing going for you! I mean, look at you. You're a fucking tease. You sit there all hot and shit and do all this shit and yet you don't let anyone beneath that skin of yours, in between your tight little space that you think is so sacred. What are you afraid of?' I remember those were his exact words. The whole night plays in my head like a movie I've seen a million times. I can't get rid of the images. They're just always there, like the sun, burning too bright behind my lids. But I think I'll spare you most of the details about that night."

I cleared my throat before I continued on with my story, too afraid to look at Gerard now. He hadn't said a single world since I'd started my story, and I didn't want to see his face and scare me out of telling him the rest of the tale.

"Um, he took his pocket knife out of his pocket then. He went hunting sometimes on the weekends when he actually saw his dad, and he had one of those big knives, you know. Not like one of the simple pocket knives I carry around, but the huge kind. What are they called, Swiss Army knives, I think? Anyway, he threw me against the wall and put the knife to my throat. No like, in a threatening way, really. He just kind of…glided the metal down from my neck to…other parts of my body. And he has this really calm voice that meant he was way beyond angry into some unknown territory. And he told me I was going to stop being a fucking tease, or he'd hurt people I cared about. And the look in his eyes was so dead, that I believed he really would if I didn't do what he said."

I closed my eyes, remembering the rest of the story. I knew I had to say it out loud. I had to make it real. But I didn't want to go into too much detail, open the gashes any more than they already have been torn wide apart. I would let Gerard put the pieces together.

"You don't know how much Tyler got off on accidentally nicking me places with his knife. And he watched with fascinated eyes as the blood flowed out of me before he licked it off and decided he wanted to see me bleed again. He got off when I squirmed under his crushing weight, so much that his dingers left bruises on so many places I couldn't name. He got off when I screamed, knowing I had no power to stop him when he stripped my clothes off and hurt me in the worst possible way he could have. Tyler didn't care how much he hurt me. He was rough and bold and made me want to kill myself for what he was doing. And afterward, he just told me all of the stuff he had done was my fault for being a fucking tease and if I didn't want this to happen again, I'd do whatever he wanted.

"I was scared. And I knew no one else would understand if I tried to say what happened, and who knew what the hell Tyler would do, so I shut up and nodded and convinced myself all my problems really were my fault. It was my fault when he hit me, because I never did anything right. It was my fault when he cut too deep with a knife, or when he lit his lighter to my skin, because I wanted the pain, and I deserved to feel the pain for taking up breathing space on this earth. I did what he asked and let him do what he wanted, because I knew what happened when I was called a tease. And that really fucking hurt, and I didn't ever want to feel like that again.

"Everything about me and my relationship with Tyler was fucked up. And I was depressed and hurt and stopped being the person I once was and became the shell of my former self. I lost all my friends. I pushed them away and let them hate me because I didn't know what else to do. I lied and fought with my parents and hurt myself for letting my dad down so much. He was the one person I never wanted to let down, and I failed miserably at that. And it killed me inside so much that I never got the chance to fix it before he died.

"I didn't have the courage to tell Tyler to leave me alone until after my dad was gone, and my mom told me I was moving here. And really, it was only because I knew I was going to be free of him. He couldn't reach me here. He had to let me go, and I had to tell him all the things I couldn't say before because I was so scared of him. But even then, he told me we'd see each other again, that I couldn't let him go so easily. He made a promise he'd be with me again. And I'm technically risking your life telling you all this right now, but you've been asking me all along why I can't tell you, and I don't want there to be any secrets between us anymore.

"And now you know why I'm so screwed up. I couldn't been the kind of girl who didn't let that kind of shit control her, but I'm too weak for that. Instead, I shrunk into myself and did everything imaginable to let myself forget or be numb to all of the feelings the situation came with. And that's what I don't ever talk about what happened with Tyler."

I heard Gerard shift next to me, and then his arms wrapped around me, my back to his chest, pulling me in tightly and not letting me go. His face nestled into my hair. His touch comforted me, made me feel less alone in this. When I was in his embrace, it made me momentarily forget all about Tyler, and sent me straight free from all the pain, like I was healed.

"He raped you that night?" he asked me.

I cringed at the term. "Rape, sexual assault, whatever you want to call it. All I know is that that first night, I told him to stop, I screamed and begged for him to stop, and all he did was tell me it would be okay and did it anyway."

His breathing was heavy. "I don't know what it feels like to be in that kind of situation, but I know a little but about abuse and…being threatened. Mikey and I went through it with my dad."

I knotted my fingers through his and squeezed them. His arms tightened around me, but I let him tell me his story and his secret.

"We don't ever talk about that day my father left, because it was the day I literally thought we were all going to be murdered. My father, when I was really young and Mikey was just a baby, was a good dad. My parents were happy and we had a bunch of those cheesy photos of us as a family, all smiles and shit.

"And then my dad started drinking. And drinking. And then he couldn't stop, and was almost never sober. I don't know what made him drink, but whatever it was, it was bad. And he's not like me when he's drunk. He's mean. He would yell at my mom through closed doors and I could hear things breaking. I would lock Mikey and I in my basement room and put my headphones on him and turn up the music so we wouldn't have to hear what was happening. My mom would always cover herself up with makeup, but she cringed when we gave her hugs, and I knew my dad had been hurting her.

"That sort of killed me, you know? You know my ma; she's the sweetest person ever, and I love her to death. And even back then, it pissed me off that someone who would never even fucking hurt a fly would take advantage of her. I was such a stupid, stupid kid. I went at him one night, fist balled up, and just fucking yelled at him for hurting Ma so much. I screamed in his face that I hated him and he deserved to go to hell for the things he'd done to her and not to ever touch her again. And he responded my beating the shit out of me, while Mikey sat cowering in the corner, wanting to come to my rescue but too scared to do anything.

"Needless to say, I was sporting a black and blue face the next day for school, which made it impossible to lie to my friends anymore. Ray and Frank and Bob were really supportive and cool about it and even got Mikey to smile a little, since he'd been so worried and scared all night long from what happened with me. We tried to stay out of the house and away from him as much as possible.

"Normally I didn't have the guys ever come over to my house, since they knew about my dad, and I didn't want them to see all the shit we went through. But Mikey and I were staying at Frank's, and my mom was going to be working early, so she told me to bring my house key with me, which was of course in my room. So we had to make a stop at my house to get it, and we were just going to be in and out but then Bob got distracted by the fact I had only Marvel and no DC comics and that really fucking creeped him out and we spent way too much time debating on that.

"My dad came home and he overheard us talking about superheroes, and he threw a fit. He was holding a bottle of whiskey, already half drunk, and called us all fucking disgusting faggots, and how could he have raised two sons who liked to have it up the ass from other guys. He went on some kind of tirade, and lashed out at us. Mikey stepped in front of me and got hit, and my dad just laughed, and told him he got what he deserved.

"So I fought back. Our fists were flying and shit and I was getting bloody. And when the guys tried to break us a part, my dad smashed his whiskey bottle on Ray's head. He threw Frank against the wall and he hit his head on my dresser and blacked out.

"I kept a gun of his in my closet, and I tried to inch my way over there just in case I needed it for protection, but my dad figured out what I was doing and got there first. He pressed the gun against my temple, smashed it so hard into me I thought the muzzle was going to press into my skull and split open my head. He laughed like a fucking maniac, and told me that I deserved to go to hell where all faggots went. He told me if I was going to like guys, I should have been born a girl instead. He said he was going to kill us all for our sins and he cocked the gun and had his finger on the trigger and I was getting ready to die and praying my last words.

"And then the cops busted into my room and stopped my dad before he could hurt any of us. It seems we were all too caught up in my dad's actions for any of us to notice that Bob had been the smart one and dialed 911. I had been so close to death that night at the hands of my father, and it would have been my last day alive if it hadn't been for that dude and all of my other friends who tried to save me. And _that's_ why none of us ever talk about what happened with my dad."

We were both screwed up and hurt and knew what it felt like to be powerless in the hands of another person. We were two parts of the same person. I really believed in that instant, after we both told our tales, that I couldn't have felt any more connected emotionally than I had with Gerard.

I turned around to face him, and cupped his face with my hands. "Thank you for sharing your most trusted secret with me."

"Thanks for not judging."

"I can't judge you, Gerard. I would only be judging myself. We're kind of the same, you know."

He nodded minutely. "Yeah, I know. I've always felt that way. Fuck, Roslyn, why did I have to screw everything up that one night when you kissed me? You and me together…we're magic. I shouldn't have let you go."

"If you hadn't, things never would have ended up the way they had now. And I like some of the things that have happened between us. And I like the fact that I know now, for certain, that it's you I love, and not Frank."

"Is that why you two broke up?"

I nodded.

"So if I kissed you now…"

"There'd be no reason for me to stop you."

His lips came onto mine with what felt like a year's worth of waiting in the making. All the hurt, all the pain, all the love and joy and longing and lust were brought into the kiss, and I couldn't think straight. I had wanted this so bad, just to taste him, just to be with him, and now the moment was finally happening. And it was better than I ever dreamed possible. Our tongues glided into each other's mouths and fireworks were going off inside of my mind.

His warm hands found their way beneath my shirt, and I shuddered at the warmth. It was like a blaze connecting with my skin, and I liked it. His mouth moved from my own and descended to a spot below my ear. I moaned as he sucked on it, making my legs go weak at the pleasure it made me feel. I almost couldn't breathe. Gerard was everything to me, and I was finally here with him, and not feeling the least bit guilty about it.

My own hands disengaged themselves from his face and his hair and attached themselves to the hem of his t-shirt, and lifted it over his head. My hands explored his chest, and he sucked harder on my neck, and our legs began to entangle themselves together.

Gerard lifted my own tank top over my head and his mouth moved lower to my chest, my stomach, licking the skin a little and sending shivers down my spine. He undid my belt buckle and unbuttoned my button and zipped my zipper down, and then stopped. He looked up at me through his lashes, his eyes so green and smoldering. "Is this okay?" he asked me a little breathless.

Equally breathless, I nodded. "Yes. It's fine."

He nodded back, and I helped him shrug my shorts off and discard them on the ground. I straddled him and his hands solidly gripped my waist, and I just started kissing him. That's all I wanted to do right now. I just wanted to make this moment go on lasting a lifetime. I really did.

And that's all we did for a long time. We switched positions some time during the course of the make out, and our bodies began to grind together in rhythm with our kissing, but for the most part we just went on kissing and kissing each other and let things build. There was an inferno inside of me. Together we were flames building higher and higher as we continued to consume each other.

At some point, it all just became too much and I thought I was going to combust or something if I didn't have more of him. I unhooked my bra and guided his hand to my breasts. His fingers made light circles on my nipples and he began to massage them. I moaned at the contact. Then his teeth teased my skin, making me buck into him slightly. My hands were grasping into his hair. He began trailing kisses down my stomach again and kissed my hip bone and he touched the hem of my underwear.

"Roslyn—"

"It's okay, Gerard."

"You know I don't know what I'm doing—"

"It's _okay_. You're doing perfect."

"Are you sure you want to? I mean, we don't have to do anything if you don't want to. I just want you to know what it feels like to be with someone who loves you, who treats you like a real person, like the beautiful person you are."

My bones turned into mush at his words.

Then he shifts uncomfortably. "Unless you already know what it feels like…you know, with Frank."

I kissed him softly on the lips. "We didn't get that far," I soothed reassuringly.

He nodded. "Oh. You still don't have to do this if you're not ready."

"I know. I'm ready if you want to."

"I don't want this to be about me. It's about you, okay?"

I nodded.

"Okay. I uh, I have to get a condom out. Sorry."

I giggled at how awkward and embarrassed he sounded uttering those words. He got off me for a few moments, and reached into his bedside dresser drawer, extracting the contraception.

Feeling shy but inexplicably safe with him, I pulled off my underwear and he discarded his boxers as well and he kissed me with so much passion and love. And it felt good to be with him, flesh on flesh, just savoring each other for a few before taking it to the complete next level.

His fingers teased the outside of me, his fingers rubbing my bud with his strong, beautiful artist hands before he dipped a finger into me. His movements elicited a few moans from me. Once he made sure I was comfortable with that before slipping a second finger inside, and curled his fingers into me, making me arch my hips. I couldn't describe what he was doing to me. Gerard was just…perfect. For someone who claimed to not know what they were doing, he knew me inside and out, and that's what made us a perfect match.

When we were both ready, he asked me again for confirmation, and I told him yes, and he opened the packaging with shaking hands.

I realized my own body was shaking too. I was nervous but so so happy. Happier than I'd been since I don't know when. God, I wanted to be with Gerard so bad! I couldn't even fathom how deep my need for him cemented in my bones. I just knew the need was there, stronger than anything else, and all I'd been seeking was right here at my fingertips. It was a nerve-wracking, exciting, wonderful emotion I was experiencing.

Gerard slid the condom packet open now, and was sliding it onto his fully erect penis. I loved the fact that I turned him on. I finally knew we felt the same way about each other.

He looked into my eyes before kissing me again, and inching his way slowly into me.

It hurt, but it hadn't hurt as much as it had the first time, when I had lost my virginity to Tyler. Gerard saw me wince, and stopped, asking if things were okay.

"I'm fine," I reassured him. "Please don't stop."

When I had been with Thomas, he had ripped me apart and I wanted to cry because it hurt and he didn't care. He had just pounded straight into me, ignoring my obvious discomfort and channeled all his anger into me. Nothing about my times with Thomas was soft or fun. But this pain wasn't bad at all, and Gerard was being as gentle as possible. I just hadn't had sex in a long time, and I was a bit tight. But that's okay. I welcome the pain. I wanted to be with Gerard.

Once he had pushed himself inside me all the way, he moved back and forth inside me, pulling in and out with a slow, senualness that was tender and building and prolonging everything. I had to bite my lip so hard I felt blood trickling down to stop myself from moaning too loud and waking up Mikey, or god forbid his mom. He kept moving in and out of me, kissing my bloody mouth longingly, and breathing just as hard as I was.

It lasted longer than I was used to, because he was going so much slower than Tyler did. With Tyler, he was fast and aggressive, and rode me out until I came for him, which didn't last long because he didn't treat sex as something to appreciate. He just wanted to fuck and get off. With Gerard, it wasn't like that. When I thought I was close to an orgasm, it turned out I wasn't, because he was building me up to that slowly, and savoring the feel of our bodies together, him inside of me, appreciating us finally consummating our love for one another. My legs were locked around his waist and my walls trembled around him, and the pleasure was agonizingly beautiful. I was in a frenzy of emotion, and I knew he could feel it too, the way our hands just seemed to grasp at each other with desperation.

And even if neither one of us wanted it to end, at some point it was just too much for both of us, and I finally had to let go, and he did as well. It was the best feeling I could ever admit to.

We lay there together afterwards, both of us naked, waiting for our breathing to go down. I was lying on his chest, and his hand was stroking my hair, and we watched _Titanic_ together, smiling at how passionate Jack and Rose were and how perfect their love had been.

I was so happy. So, so happy. Euphoric. I couldn't stop a smile from flitting to my face every time I felt Gerard or heard his voice or looked at his beautiful face, or even thought of him. I was so content in his arms that at that second, I thought I could read my father's letter to me, and not feel any pain at all.

And yet, there were so many questions between Gerard and I. So we talked the rest of the night away.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24:

"Gerard?" I whispered, resting my chin on his chest and peaking up at him.

"Yeah?"

"If you saw what your dad was like when he drank, then why did you start drinking?" I never understood why kids followed in their parent's footsteps that way when they knew what a negative experience it had been. If my dad was an angry alcoholic, I would be way too scared I'd end up just like him to try a drop of alcohol my entire life.

"What my dad did," he responded slowly, "When he hurt my mom and stuff, it hurt me too. My dad turned to alcohol to numb his pain, and I didn't see any other way of numbing it but like him to. I just didn't want to feel hurt anymore, and I drank the hurt away. It's kind of how you get, with the burning and cutting, when you just want to get away from it all."

I nodded, understanding exactly what he meant.

"I have a question for you, too," he stated.

I swallowed, looked at him again. "Okay."

"You are too beautiful and too special to let anyone hurt you the way Tyler did, Roslyn. Why did you let him? Why, after that first time, did you let him convince you you're worth nothing?"

"Because that's the way he made me feel," I answered him easily. "What he did reduced me to nothing. He made sure I felt useless and insignificant. He took everything I knew and proved it wrong."

"God!" Gerard gasped. "I fucking hate him! It's fucks like those who shouldn't be allowed to breathe."

"I know," I told him. "But it was my fault. I'd been warned from other girls, and I didn't listen."

"Roslyn Elizabeth Monroe, don't let me ever here you say it's your fault again! It is _not_ your fault, okay? Everyone else would agree with me if I asked them."

"You're not going to, thought, right?"

"No, of course not. What we talked about was completely confidential."

I smiled at him. "How the hell did I ever almost let you slip away?" he mused. "After everything that's happened to me, you stop all the heartache. I don't have to worry when I'm with you. I just exist."

"Why did you let me go that firs time, the night I kissed you and you rejected me? It really hurt, Gerard. I thought I was wrong about what my dad had told me."

"Your dad?" he asked.

I sighed. I forgot I hadn't told anyone yet about the dreams I'd been having. The last one I'd had was before the concert, and I had not listened very well to what he'd said.

"I sometimes get these weird dreams about things."

"You mean like Sam's psychic visions on _Supernatural_?"

I laughed, loving that he came to that conclusion. "No, it's nothing like that. It's like I'm transported to some alternate world. And I…sort of see my dad, and he talks to me about things. He warns me and helps me make decisions. And I sound like a complete schizoid right now." My cheeks flamed with embarrassment.

Gerard placed a hand on one of my burning cheeks. "You don't sound schizoid, Roslyn. Dreams always mean something. And I think it's really awesome you can talk to your dad in your dreams since you can't in real life."

"Me, too," I mumbled.

"So, uh, what _did_ your dad say about me?"

He was grinning so adorably at me, I almost told him. "He told me—just stuff…stuff that I'm not going to tell you."

"Ah, Ros, come on!"

"But…no!" I stammered. "Don't change the subject on me! I want to know why you freaked out and said you didn't want to be with me if that's not what you wanted."

"Come here," he said, pulling me closer to him. He rested his forehead on mine and placed a hand on my bare waist. We laid there, my eyes closed, and our breathing in sync. "Do you really want to know?" he asked me.

"Yes," I said. "I think I can handle whatever it is."

"Are you sure?"

"Gerard, I really want to know." He was making me nervous. I kept thinking his reasons for pushing me away was something completely horrible, thought I couldn't think of anything too bad.

"The closer I got to you and the more feelings I developed for you, I started getting these letters. They were anonymous, and to say lightly, the threatened to hurt you and other I cared about if I ever got involved with you.

"At first, I didn't take it too seriously. I thought it was Mikey or someone playing a prank on me. So I didn't do anything about it. But the letters kept coming, and they were getting worse. They described in grotesque detail all the different ways they were going to kill you guys. I finally showed Mikey and asked him about it, and he asked the guys, but none of them knew anything about it.

"The day of the party, I had gotten another one that was really personal. It was worse than any of the others. And when we kissed, I wanted so badly to let it go on and not worry about anything. But I couldn't take the chance if the notes _were_ a real threat. I would eternally hate myself if something happened to the people I cared most about."

"And what changed your mind? What made us happen tonight?" I didn't want to process the information until I knew absolutely everything.

"I couldn't fucking stand it anymore. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to let you go, to try and support your relationship with my best friend? I hated it. The letters had stopped coming, and I figured things were okay. Until your mom died.

"Death always puts things in perspective for me. Being close to you, being with you…it's worth everything. If this person is going to kill me for being with you, then I'll do it. I did everything wrong the first time. I know I screwed up, and I have to show you how much you mean to me. I'd rather die for something than for nothing."

I nodded, letting his reasoning sink in. The letters he had been receiving scared me. As glad as I was that it was nothing I had done that caused him to push me away, I was terrified that the letters really meant something. It sounded suspiciously like Tyler when he threatened to kill people I loved if I told about him, and when he said he would always find me, and again when he messaged me on Facebook about it. But if he was worried about people getting close to me, why did he just warn Gerard, and not Frank and I as well?

I thought about how my mom's death had changed the game for both of us. He was willing to risk everything to be with me, and I finally realized just how badly I should be with him. I wanted to be with him, and I was willing to risk everything like he was, but I didn't want him to die for me.

That piece of writing I'd read came back into my mind. _I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets._ That was exactly what I didn't want to happen. But I so badly wanted to be with him that I didn't have much heart to argue, and knew it was no use fighting against his stubborn will.

"So you want to be with me? I mean, this wasn't a one time thing?"

"God, no! No, I wouldn't treat you as some random one night stand. Yes, I most definitely want to be with you! But only if you—"

"Gerard, don't even sit there and act like you don't know I want you. I told you, I always have." I rolled my eyes as e seemed startled by my revelation. "I am a little worried about what people will think, though."

"You know Mikey and Ray are happy if we're happy."

"Well I know, but I was thinking more along the lines of Frank."

"He broke up with you, right?"

I nodded, not remembering telling him who broke up with whom.

"Then it shouldn't matter what you do afterwards. If he really cared about your happiness, he would suck it up like I did the past few months you two were dating. I don't want to worry about what anyone will say. I just want to be with you."

"And if Frank hated us? Well, I already know he hates me, but he's been your best friend since the sandbox. You're really willing to jeopardize that over some girl?"

"You're not just _some girl_, Roslyn. You're everything. I want to parade our love around school and be the obnoxious PDA couple we always make fun of, even if it means Frank isn't a part of my life. You are worth it. You're worth everything. And don't tell me you're not, because you can't change my mind about this."

"I won't try to. I just want to make sure you won't regret it."

"Oh, I won't. So I can show you off at school tomorrow? Like, hold your hand and kiss you and couply stuff like that?"

"Oh my god!" I laughed. "You sound like a fangirl obsessing over some hot celebrity she's dating in her mind."

"So? You make me happy."

"Well, then. By all means show your happiness to the world."

He gave me a huge grin and leaned in to kiss me.

It was so beautiful to officially be with Gerard Arthur Way. People discarded him as the greasy demonic chubby kid in the back of the class. No one knew how he'd finally started paying attention to how he looked, got in shape, and was an exceptional artist, who wasn't demonic, but rather grew up Catholic. I liked being the girl who looked at him and saw who he was, not the bullshit surrounding him. What we had was real. And I wanted it forever.

With a quick glance at the clock, I sighed. There were only a couple more hours until his alarm would go off, and I had to face school. I hadn't been back since everything happened with my mom. I was hoping I was just invisible enough that people weren't talking about me, or wouldn't state at me in class or in the hallways. Especially since I'm sure Gerard and Alicia and the others will make sure they are with me at all times for protection against this like they promised earlier.

"It's Monday," I told Gerard.

He peeked at the clock. "It is. You wanna get some sleep before school?"

I smiled softly. "How can I possibly sleep after everything that's happened tonight?"

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep either. And I think _Titanic_ is long over with my now."

"Probably."

"Anything you wanna do until we officially have to get up?"

"Mmm…I wanna watch you draw."

"Okay. I'm feeling strangely inspired, anyway."

He grabbed his sketch pad and pencils from his desk and got back in bed. "Can you tell me about this alternate universe you got to in your dreams with your dad?"

I watched him draw as I described the world to him: the translucent ground as smooth and shiny as glass and the purple cloud choked sky. He drew my dreams exactly. He sketched me with my long flowing hair and dress and my dad next to me as we gazed at the dark skies. It was one of the most meaningful and stunning pictures I'd ever seen him create.

Before I knew it Gerard's alarm was going off, and we begrudgingly got out of bed. We got ready, stealing kisses every now and then and headed to his kitchen for food when we were ready.

Mikey was pouring himself a pot of coffee and handed the pot to Gerard when he was finished. There were eggs on a platter by the stove and toast on another platter. I put some of the scrambled eggs on a plate and grabbed a piece of toast. And of course all the caffeine I could get. I wasn't the least bit tired now, but I knew my serious lack of sleep was bound to catch up with me sometime soon.

"Hey, Mikey," I greeted.

"Hi," he mumbled.

I sat across from him at the kitchen table. Gerard sat in the chair next to mine and whispered to me. "Hey. I forgot to ask you if you were okay. I heart that…you know, people get…sore and stuff if they haven't…had sex in a while or whatever."

I stifled a laugh. "You sound so awkward when you talk about sex."

"It's an awkward subject!" he defended.

"I guess so."

"But seriously, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I'm a little sore, but nothing I haven't experienced working out. What about you? You know, losing your virginity and all that?"

He grinned sheepishly at me. "I'm good. Happy I'm with you."

"What are you guys whispering about?" Mikey interjected.

"Nothing," Gerard and I responded in unison.

His eyebrows furrowed as he frowned at us.

"Hey, Mikey, how's the job going?" Gerard asked him, changing the subject.

"It's fine. I like being around books."

"I bet. Have you read anything good lately?"

"I started reading _Pet Sematary_ by Stephen King. Now I can't sleep without my closet light on."

"Ah, wait till you read _'Salem's Lot_. It'll freak you out even more."

"Is that the vampire one?"

"Yup! One of my favorites because the vampires are actually believable, instead of all sparkly like in _Twilight_."

"Hey, I like sparkly vampires," I objected.

"I know you do, hun."

"Did you just can her hun?" Mikey bluntly asked. "You guys are acting really weird. What gives?"

"Um, Frank and I broke up," I told him.

"Oh. I'd say I'm sorry, but I think you've already moved on to my brother."

I felt my face flushing and tore my eyes away from his to look down at my food.

Mikey snickered. "Hey, it's cool with me. Just don't let Mom find out. She'll flip her shit."

"God, don't jinx it, Michael!" Gerard whined.

Mikey grimaced. "Don't call me Michael."

"I can do whatever I want. I'm older."

"Boys, do you have to fight this early in the morning?" Their mom said, walking into the kitchen.

"Sorry, Ma," Gerard apologized.

Mama Way glanced at her watch. "You kids need to get to school. I don't want you guys walking. Is Frank giving you all a ride?"

"No, he can't this morning."

She nodded. "Okay. I'll take you all. Take your food with you. I've gotta get to work."

We piled into her car, Mikey graciously sitting in the front so Gerard could be in the back with me. She dropped us off up at the front of of the school. As soon as Mama Way drove off, Gerard linked his fingers with mine and Mikey linked his arm in mine.

"We'll walk you to class," Mikey said. "That way people know not to mess with you."

"I love how protective you are," I told him.

"You're practically like my older sister. Of course I am." He winked at me just as the bell rang.

They walked me to class just as promised. "I'll be out here when the bell rings," Gerard assured me, "And I'm always one text away from skipping with you if you want."

I laughed. "Thanks, Gee. But you should go before you're late for class. I know how Mr. Bracken is."

"Fine. See you for second period." He kissed me and walked off with his brother."

Class wasn't too bad. I think people intentionally didn't look me in the eye and tried to give me space so I didn't wig out on them. And as promised, Gerard was waiting outside my classes each time the bell rang. We walked hand in hand into our Physics class, which startled our teacher for a moment, But then she pushed her glasses up in her face and explained the work I'd missed in her shrill voice.

Walking me to my Guitar class fourth period, I looked at Gerard. "Your brother seemed perfectly okay with us," I said to him.

"Yeah. He was. He loved us, so he doesn't really have a problem with it. Ray loves you, too, if that's what you're worried about."

I shrugged. "I just don't want anyone to be mad at me."

"No one will, Ros."

We entered the door to my classroom. Gerard came with me to say hey to Ray. Then he turned and kissed me. "See you at lunch, babe."

"Okay." I bit my lip to keep from smiling too much.

He left, and I sat down next to Ray, whose jaw was practically on the floor.

"Okay, at the risk of sounding like a teenage girl obsessed with gossip, you _hate_ to fill me in on what happened after the wake," Ray said in a low voice.

"Oh, I'm not sure you want to know every single detail like we teenage girls like to discuss."

Ray raised his eyebrows. "Wow, you're in a good mood."

"Yeah, I am," I agreed.

"Seriously. Abridged version. What happened?"

"Um, basically Frank broke up with me after realizing I was in love with Gerard. I told Gerard my feelings, he felt them back, so there was no reason not to be together."

"Wow. Well, I'm proud of all of you, finally airing out the dirty laundry. I think it's a good thing."

"So you don't mind Gerard and I together?"

"No, hell no! I think it's great. His face lights up like a fucking Christmas tree around you. He only gets that way around Mikey. And you're all smiles so soon after everything. I like this side of you guys."

I blew out the breath I had been holding. "Good."

"Who else knows about you two?"

"Just you and Mikey. I figured we'd let everyone else know at lunch."

"You know Alicia's gonna freak."

"Uh, yeah. I'm prepared for her many squeals."

He laughed. "As long as you know what you're in for. She wants every detail possible."

"Trust me, I definitely know. How do you think Frank's gonna take it?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I guess we'll see."

We talked for the rest of the period until the bell rang for lunch, and I had to face my friends head on. Mikey and Gerard were outside the doors waiting for us. All four of us walked to our lunch section: abandoned picnic tables at the back of the school where people went to smoke.

Christa was sitting at the table waiting for us. She smiled at me kindly. "Hi, Roslyn. Are you okay being back at school?"

I nodded. "Yeah, today hasn't been too bad. Thanks for caring."

"Of course. Do you and Alicia want to have a girl's night at my house this Friday?"

"Sure! That sounds fun."

"Yeah. We'll watch a bunch of girl movies and gossip about our boyfriends."

Ray and I exchanged a look of amusement at the gossiping part. Girls liked to gossip. We couldn't help it.

Frank showed up then, already sucking on a cigarette and opening his pack to get another one out. He didn't address us and we didn't talk to him. He was blasting Black Flag out of his headphones.

Alicia came along not long after and all three of us girls discussed what we should do for girls night while the guys talked about who played the best Dracula.

A few minutes later, we all heart Frank utter, "Damn it!" We all looked at him as he tore his headphones out of his ear. "My ipod died," he explained.

"No worries," Ray told him. "We wanted your opinion on the best portrayal of Dracula, anyway."

"Bela Lugosi, definitely."

"See, I was thinking Gary Oldman."

As they talked, it was an unconscious thing as Gerard's hand had found its way to my knee. I had placed my hand on his and then we linked fingers. I'm not sure when we even knew we had been holding hands, or for how long we had. We didn't think anyone else noticed either until Alicia had an outburst.

"ROSLYN ELIZABETH MONROE!"

I grimaced. "Why is everyone using my full name now? I never should have told you guys what my middle name was."

"WHAT are you doing holding hands with Gerard?"

Everyone turned to look at our clasped hands, including Frank. I tore my hand away from his hastily and flushed at the attention. "Um, Gerard and I are kind of dating now."

Alicia gasped. "When did you and Frank break up?"

I cleared my throat. "Yesterday…at the wake."

"Oh my god! How come you didn't tell me right away what was going on? Am I the only person who didn't know? Oh, I'm so sorry you and Frank broke up, but now you're with Gerard, who I _always_ knew was perfect for you, and you're happy, and he's happy, which is a miracle, and you guys are just _so adorable_ together that I can't even be mad at you for not telling me!" She was talking a mile a minute and Mikey had to calm her down before she stopped breathing.

"You. Fucking. Whore."

I turned in surprise to Frank. His voice was deadly calm, his jaw locked, and his eyes narrowed at me.

"What?" I sputtered.

"Did I stutter?" he responded. "I called you a fucking whore. You jumped into something two seconds after we broke up. After everything I said yesterday, after calling you out on just how bad you hurt me when you used me, I thought you would have some decency to you. But clearly, you're just a bitch who doesn't care about anyone but herself."

"Hey! Don't call her a bitch!" Gerard defended me.

I didn't think Frank's words could sting as bad as they had last night. But this was much, much worse. It had never _ever_ been my intention to hurt Frank this way. And now he hated me, the last thing I wanted. I mean, he was right. I was a bitch and a whore, and I deserved his hate. But that didn't mean I wanted it.

"And you!" he screamed, turning to Gerard. "You're my best friend. What the hell, man? How could you do this to me?"

"To you? How do you think I fucking felt when you started dating her first? When you knew how much I felt about her?"

"You said no to her! It's not my fault she turned to me!"

"And you're the one who let her loose. It's not my fault she loves me more than you. How did it feel, Frank, to know when she was kissing you, that she was thinking about me?"

"You asshole!"

Frank lunged at Gerard, punching him in the eyes. Gerard shoved him back and they began to fight.

"Stop it!" I screamed.

Ray intervened by picking Frank up and throwing him over his shoulder. "Cool off, Frank. You too, Gerard."

Ray let Frank down and both he and Gerard stormed off in opposite directions.

Ray placed a hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"No," I told him bluntly.

The bell rang for fifth period then. He sighed. "Come on. I'll walk you to class."

He grabbed my bag for me and slung an arm around my shoulders and walked me to the door of my classroom. Before he left he said, "Don't feel bad about any of the choices you make, okay? You don't have to live your life to please others. Gerard and Frank will get over this; it isn't the first time they've fought like this."

"I hope you're right," I told him.

"I am."

I spent my next two classes trying to just forget everything that happened at lunch, but I couldn't stop being upset about it. I felt horribly responsible, and I didn't want to get between Gerard and Frank like that.

During Pre-Calc, I just wouldn't stand it anymore. I felt like everyone was whispering about me and talking about how bad of a person I was. And I couldn't let it go.

My hand shot up in the air. My prejudiced teacher stared at me suspiciously. "Yes, Roslyn?"

"Can I go to the bathroom, please?" I tacked the please on in hopes of my being nice placating her.

She still guarded me suspiciously, but she relented. "Well, I suppose."

I walked out of the classroom as calmly as I could. I heard someone walk out with me. As soon as we entered the bathroom, I turned around and saw Alicia, and immediately collapsed in her arms. She stayed there and soothed me until I didn't have any more tears to cry.

I was wiping the moisture off my face when one of the quiet girls from my Pre-calc class walked in. She was just a hair taller than me, with light brown hair and eyes and a few freckles.

"Hi. You're Roslyn, right?"

I nodded at the girl.

"I'm Jamia. You probably don't want people bothering you, but I heard about your mom. My mom died a couple of years back, so I know what it's like to lose a parent. If you ever wanna talk or anything, I don't judge."

I smiled at her. "Thanks, Jamia."

"You're welcome."

She checked herself in the mirror, fixed her makeup, and left Alicia and I with one last kind smile.

I blew my bangs out of my face. "What am I going to do about this, Alicia?"

"Exactly what Ray said. Live your life how you want it. Don't worry about anything but making yourself happy."

My phone rang in my bag. I took it out and answered it. "Hello?"

"Are you okay?" Gerard asked on the other end.

"No."

"Are you mad at me?"

I sighed. "I don't know."

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too. How's your eye?"

"I'm icing it right now at the nurse's."

"I'll be there in a couple of minutes."

I hung up and turned to Alicia. "I can't wait for girls night," I told her.

"Me neither. But you should get to Gerard. Call if you need me."

"I will."

We exchanged a hug and I headed to the nurse's office to my boyfriend, and towards all of my lingering problems.

* * *

**A/N: Jamia is going to be more of a part in the novel coming up in the next few chapters. And I don't think I'm going to have much Frank for a while until he cools off (: But I hope you liked this, and as always, pleas review to let me know what you think. I'm going to work on editing what I've written so far and replace the mistakes in the chapters, because I know I've got a lot. So, yeah, look out for those if you ever decide to re-read chapters.**

**Xo,  
**

**Hailee  
**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Hey, guys! I got a laptop for graduating, so as long as I'm not super busy hanging out with my friends and working, I'll have more updates for you guys this summer. 'Cause now I can use the computer whenever I feel like it, instead of having to share a desktop with my dad who is working on getting his doctorate. Which sucks for me, since he was always using it, But that doesn't matter anymore. I think I'm over my writer's block for now. So, enjoy!**

**Xo,**

**Hailee**

When I walked into the nurse's room, Gerard was holding a bag of ice to his eye, and looking completely pathetic to gain sympathy from the nurse. I sat next to him on the cot and tried not to smile at him.

"Are you mad?" he questioned me, putting the ice down next to him. His eye was a little red and swollen, but it hadn't bruised yet.

"How can I be mad when you look so adorable?"

"Oh, I'm adorable now?" He grinned.

"Of course you are, Gerard."

I laid my head on his shoulder and linked my arm through his. "I didn't mean to start anything with Frank. He just pissed me off when he called you a whore."

I shrugged. "You don't need to fight battles for me."

"Sorry."

"It's okay."

"Have you been crying?"

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, I spent all 7th period crying in the bathroom. Everything was starting to get to me."

"God, Roslyn, I really didn't mean to fight with Frank."

"I know you didn't. It's fine. Obviously something's going on with him. He usually doesn't act this way. I don't think it's just about us."

He nodded. "At least I got a wicked cool battle wound out of it."

I scoffed and gave him a look. "Really? Your mom is gonna be pissed."

"Eh, I won't tell her all the details. I can always say I ran into a pole or something. It's plausible."

"I'm sure she'll totally believe that."

"She has before…the last time I fought with Frank."

"Yeah, Ray said it wasn't the first time you guys have acted like this. I thought you guys were best friends."

Gerard and Frank had never acted weird around me before. They always seemed like really good friends. They got along well and spent a lot of time around each other. Even when they were sort of fighting over me earlier this year, they never said bad things about each other or anything like that. There was mutual respect between them. It's hard to think things had ever been bad between them.

"We are…or were. He confronted me about my drinking problems a while ago, and things got really heated on my part. Mainly because I was out of control and he was concerned about me. I don't blame him. No one wanted to say anything to my face about my drinking because they were scared of what I would do. Frank was the one who stepped up and said something."

"Yeah, that's Frank for you…"

I didn't really want to talk about Frank anymore. I was sorry I even brought it up.

Gerard cleared his throat. "So….you guys are having girls night this Friday…"

"Yep. That's pretty much long overdue."

"Are you going to paint each other's nails and watch girl movies and shit?"

"And gossip, you forgot that."

He smirked at me. "And summon demons with your Ouija board?"

I laughed. "No, Ouija boards scare me. Ghosts and demons are evil and I'm too much of a pussy to mess with the supernatural," I said mockingly.

Gerard frowned. "Ghosts are scary!"

"Okay, Gerard."

"What? They are! Especially those poltergeists. I mean, you've heard those stories!"

"Yes, and I promise not to summon the dark powers with my Ouija board, okay mommy?"

"You're mean."

"I know. It's why you love me."

He kissed me. I got that feeling in my stomach again, those obnoxious butterflies he always gave me. I guess that meant he was forgiven.

"Are you ready to go home?" I asked him.

He sighed. "I don't know, are you sure I can walk in my condition?"

I shoved him lightly. "Come on, Gerard. I'm sure your brother wants to talk to you."

He groaned. "Yeah, probably. Okay, guess I better get this over with then."

He thanked the nurse for the ice pack and grabbed his backpack and we headed to Mikey's locker to see if he was there. He was leaning against it talking to Alicia quietly about something. As soon as they saw us approaching, they said goodbye to each other and Mikey walked home with us. We obviously couldn't rely on Frank ever again for a ride.

Now that I was staying with the Ways, I felt the need to contribute something to them. I know Mama Way didn't think I was ungrateful for them taking me in after what happened with my mom, but I didn't want to sit there and not contribute, either. I had some money in my savings account, and I was going to get monthly checks, but I felt like I needed to step up to the plate and start working again.

I'd had a job when I turned 16 and it hadn't been that bad, besides the fact the boss was kind of a bitch. But it had been good knowing I earned money that I could spend on myself, knowing I could do whatever I wanted with it. I failed the drug test after I'd started dating Tyler and they fired me, and I hadn't bothered to find work again. But I figured it would be about time to start looking again, now that I had bigger things to worry about. And plus, I needed some more money if I didn't get a full ride to Juilliard like I was really hoping for.

They hadn't said anything about the video I'd sent in along with my application. As in, I hadn't gotten a call for an interview, and it was making me really nervous. But, you know, it was only December, they probably haven't gone through all the applicants anyway. I was just really impatient when it came to my life goal of acting. I wanted to know if I made the cut, if I was good enough to make it in Hollywood.

Mikey and Gerard bickered about things the entire walk home. Mikey grabbed some food to eat from the cabinet, downed it really quickly while chewing his brother out, and then announced he had to go to work.

"Well, how are you getting there?" Gerard asked.

"Frank," Mikey responded, and left before Gerard could say anything more.

I cleared my throat. "Well…." I said, not knowing really what else to say.

"He got a ride from Frank…guess that shouldn't bother me since they can still be friends even if he and I aren't…"

"But it still hurt 'cause you're his brother and you and Frank aren't exactly on best friend terms anymore?"

"Yeah. But I still got you, right? Frank doesn't like either of us at the moment. I guess we can live in a non-Frank bubble or something together."

"Sounds good to me."

"And soon he won't have to rely on Frank for rides. I've been saving my paychecks up to try and find a used car I can buy. And then I can just take him to work."

I grinned. "Is this just so you can show up Frank, or were you already planning this?"

"I guess now it's a little of both."

I shook my head. "Well, you might have to add taking me to work on your list if I get a job too far away."

He looked at me. "You're getting a job?"

"Well, yeah. I don't want to say here and just selfishly take everything from you guys. I want to offer something to this."

"Roslyn, my mom's not looking for your money; that's not why she's letting you stay here."

"I know. But I would just feel better about it if I can give her a little cash now and then for the extra groceries and stuff."

"Okay. Whatever you want."

He turned on the tv to some random channel while I opened up my English book and started reading the second act of Ibsen's _A Doll House_, the play we were reading in class. So far I didn't like any of the characters or the misogynistic view they had, but it was homework and it was the class I was doing the best in.

That night over dinner, I told Mama Way about my plan to put forth some money in exchange for letting her live here. She had the same reaction Gerard did, assuring me I didn't need to feel pressured to give her money and she would do just fine without taking anything from me. I told her that I wanted to, not just for her, but for me too. Mikey said he could get me an application for Barnes and Noble if I wanted to work there, and Mama Way offered to give us the car this weekend to go job searching if we wanted to. I took them both up on their offer.

By the middle of the week, nothing else as dramatic as the fight between Gerard and Frank had happened amongst our group of friends. People still whispered about me, which was my fault, since I had that breakdown in Pre-Calc, but it didn't bother me so much anymore.

Alicia and I were in the school lunch line getting food when we overheard some of the obnoxious, self-righteous jocks laughing their heads off at something. Anytime they do that, it always makes me suspicious that they're making fun of some innocent person or they're planning to beat some kid up, neither of which was good news.

"I don't think you need to buy that lunch you've got there, Jamie," one of them said. "I mean, aren't you big enough? You don't really need to eat all that, unless you plan on being a cow for the rest of your life."

"Seriously," another one of the lettermans chimed in. "How much _do_ you weigh? It's disgusting."

"Yeah, just starve yourself!" another input.

I left my tray of food where it was sitting and walked over to the group of jocks all circled around a girl. She had her food at the register, trying to pay for it, and hugging her arms around herself, trying not to cry. Once I recognized it was Jamia they were picking on, I got even madder. I didn't really know the girl, but she had been nice to me the other day, and no one deserved to be called fat and taunted by these pompous jerks.

"Wooooow. Really? Telling a girl to go starve herself, now are we? I think you should take your own advice. How many pounds have you gained these past months? 15, 20 pounds?"

"Hey, muscle weighs more than fat!" he barked at me.

"Oh, I didn't realize your flab was considered muscle. My apologies, dickhead."

"What are you even doing here, bitch? Did all your little emo friends decide to kill themselves so they don't have to see your face every day, just like your mommy?"

I clenched my jaw, and could feel my face burning red hot. They didn't know shit. And they weren't going to get away with this.

"Shut the fuck up, this isn't about me. You just told her she's fat and to starve herself just because she's not a stick thin model. You don't have any right to tell a girl that. First of all, she's not even fat. Second of all, I'd stop shooting my mouth around if I were you before some girl like me goes around telling people things that you don't want others to hear."

"Bitch, you don't know shit about me."

"Oh, don't I? You forget I have friends who are guys. You might not know they exist, but they sure know you do. It's so easy being in the invisible part of high school. Makes it simple to hide and listen in on other people's conversations and find out about other people's medical conditions, you know?"

His eyes grew wide as he stared down at me. He towered over me, trying his best to look threatening. "Before this year is over, Monroe, you're gonna be sorry for this."

"I'm sure I will," I said back sarcastically.

He and his posse left to go sit at their table in the lunchroom.

I shook my head and looked at Jamia, who was still huddled in on herself.

"Here," I told the lunchlady, paying for Jamia's meal. I picked up her tray, put an arm around her, and led her out of the cafeteria, glaring at the jocks who were still staring at us with their own amusement. I sat her down at an empty picnic table and sat down across from her.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

She shook her head.

"They had no right to call you fat!"

"They're right," she whispered.

"What? No they're not. Don't listen to them. I think you're a perfect weight."

"Coming from someone who is skinny."

I laughed. "Okay, I am _not_ skinny. I just wear clothes that make it look like I am. Weight is all relative anyway. Who cares how much you weigh? I think you're beautiful, and I think your weight suits you just fine. Okay?"

She smiled a little at me. "Okay. Thanks for stepping in. No one's done that before."

"Ugh. That makes me sick no one will stick up for anyone else around here. It's so stupid."

"I guess they're all too afraid."

"Well, I'm not. I could care less what those assholes think of me. And besides, you were really nice to me on Monday. The least I could do was return the favor."

Her brown eyes smiled at me, and I realized just how much I wished I had met her sooner. "So why haven't our paths crossed before this? How come we haven't sat down and gotten to know each other yet?" I asked her.

Jamia shrugged. "I don't know…I just transferred here not too long ago. And I figured everyone else already had their cliques and friends and didn't want to talk to me."

"Jamia, can I let you in on something?"

She looked at me a little confused. "Okay."

"It's my first year here. I didn't know anyone, and I have the best group of friends anyone could ever ask for. Sure, they were all friends before I came along, but now I'm just part of the group. It's almost as if I've been friends with them my whole life. There are people out there who are going to accept you. You've just got to go out and find them, that's all."

She nodded.

"In fact, why don't you hang out with me and a couple of friends this Friday? We're having a girls sleepover night, and they aren't going to mind if you come along."

"Oh, I don't know. What if they don't want me there? Or they don't like me? Or if they feel awkward around me?"

"Don't worry, they're both really nice. You already know Alicia from class. It's going to be me, her, and Christa Henderson."

"The Student Government Christa?"

"Yeah. She might seem a little intimidating, but trust me, she's one of the nice ones. She's dating one of my best friends and she's really been there for me lately."

"Well….only if you're sure they aren't going to mind."

"They won't. I promise."

Jamia nodded. "Okay then."

I smiled. "Cool. We're going to Christa's house after school. Since we have last period together, we'll just meet up with Christa at her locker."

"Okay. That sounds fine. Thanks, Roslyn."

"Ah, it's no problem at all. You actually seem like someone I want to get to know, so it really isn't any trouble at all."

Just then Alicia slammed two trays down on the table and plopped down right beside me. "Roslyn! Do you know how hard it was finding out where you were? And you just _left_ your tray there in the middle of the line and everyone was getting mad at me because I didn't know where you were! And I had to pay for your food, so you need to pay me back, because I'm almost out of lunch money. What happened to you?"

I coughed at how utterly dramatic Alicia was making everything sound. She made it seem like I walked out of in the middle of performing heart surgery on a patient.

"Calm, down, Lish. Jackson and the guys were being really rude to Jamia, and I stepped in."

Alicia looked at Jamia now, just now realizing she was there. "Oh," she said, frowning. "Sorry."

"I, uh, invited Jamia to girl's night with us, too."

Alicia grinned. "I was so hoping you would. She looks like she could use a dose of fun time with Alicia Simmons. I make everyone's day seem brighter."

Alicia grabbed a roll from her tray and shoved it into her mouth. She chewed quickly, swallowed, and started launching into a tale about this guy from her French class. We all ate our food and listened to Alicia talk until the bell rang for 5th period.

"Is she always like that?" Jamia asked me as we were walking back to class.

I chuckled. "Uh, yeah, pretty much. But you'll get used to it."

"Well, this is my stop. I'll see you in 7th?"

"Yep. Bye, Jamia."

"Bye."

I smiled as I walked to my class. Jamia was kind of like me, in a less depressed and screwed up way. She was that kind of shy new girl who I _knew_ had a lot of fun and personality waiting to come out when she meets the right group of people. She belonged to her group. And more importantly, I think it was good to have another girl around besides Alicia and Christa. It would be fun to get to know someone else for a change, someone more like me. It could benefit both of us.

In 7th period, Alicia and I worked on our classwork with Jamia until our teacher told our class we were all being too loud and make us work separately.

Once we all got back to the Way house, and Gerard and I were in his room all snuggled up on his bed, he asked where I was today. "I haven't seen you at all today," he complained. "You missed lunch with us."

"I'm sorry. It's just the jocks were bullying this girl I kind of know, and I ate lunch with her instead."

"That was really nice of you."

"Yeah. Well, she was kind of really nice to me the other day when she found out about my mom, and I didn't want to see anyone get hurt by those guys. Anyway, I invited her to Christa's on Friday. I think we can actually become friends."

"Yeah, until she meets all of us."

"Hey, if she can handle a whole night of Alicia, I think she passes the test."

"Maybe. Guess we'll have to test that theory."

I smiled at him. "Well, look at you, inviting more people into our group."

"Well I am definitely not Vampire Guy anymore who shuns people he doesn't know anymore. Meeting you changed that."

"Stop making me blush, Gerard."

His hands moved to my waist, pulling me closer, and put his lips onto mine. "Never," he whispered.

And then he kissed me again and again until I couldn't think about Jamia or anyone else any longer. We wrapped ourselves in each other again.


	26. Chapter 26

**Don't think it's my best work. Sort of distracted. And hard to write when you're not exactly feeling emotionally well. But here you go.**

**Xo,**

**Hailee**

Friday couldn't have come any faster. I was eager to have a little girl time, minus the drama that this week had definitely brought along with it. After everyone still talking about me, saving Jamia from those assholes, and them finding every chance they can to say something nasty to me, and Frank officially excluding Gerard and I from his list of friends, I was _so _ready to relax with a couple of close friends and just chill out, no pressure added.

While I was packing up my stuff this morning, Gerard was moaning and complaining about having me leave him on a Friday night. "It's our first official Friday as a couple. And you promised we would do something fun soon, just the two of us! We've got tons of movies and shows to catch up on, and stupid Christmas shopping to tackle, and I don't want you to gooooo! Why did you make plans with them ?"

He pouted and I laughed at him. "Gerard," I said. "I live here now. And thankfully, your mom still knows absolutely nothing about us being together and is still letting me sleep in your room at night. And given that I sleep in the same bed as you every night, it means we have a lot of time to spend together doing stuff. What's one night away from you? Besides, I have other people to hang out with besides you. You can't forget that some people still like me."

"Damn. And I was hoping I could keep you all to myself. Can we please do something Saturday? I have a feeling that spending all night with Mikey is going to kill me. He's going to be complaining about missing Alicia, and that's going to put me in a bad mood because you're not here to help me not strangle him."

"Oh, please. Stop exaggerating. You and Mikey are like best friends. Hang out with him, watch some old horror movies or something. And if you really can't get along with him, I've got my phone with me."

"Okay…." He said begrudgingly.

"Okay. I love you." I kissed him slowly. "Now let me finish packing."

I had packed the rest of my stuff, and Gerard tried not to be grumpy and look annoyed that he wasn't spending Friday night with me. He was just pissed because Fridays were usually the day all of us in the group hung out and did something fun, and now our little group was sort of broken up and dispersed since Frank wasn't getting along with either one of us and tolerated our presence barely.

I sighed, thinking of Frank's reaction. It wasn't like him. I just couldn't get over that. He was usually so tolerant of everything, and then he just went off the deep end. With good reason, no doubt, but still. I hated that I was the one who finally pushed him far enough over the edge. I didn't want him to hate me, and I still wanted to be friends with him, but there was nothing I could really do about that now besides give him the space he wants. Maybe soon he'll forgive us.

The final bell rang in Pre-Calc and I exhaled in relief. Today had been pretty good, but I was really anxious to get out of here and just do something fun. I was writhing in my skin to have one nice, normal kind of night after all the drama that's sprung up in my life. It didn't seem fair I was the one who got dealt all the short sticks when it came to life, but I guess that's the way things go sometimes. You just gotta take it as they come, lean on friends, and if that doesn't work, self-medicate. But I had a feeling things would work on a more positive note tonight. It had been a little bit since I'd cut myself or burned myself, and I guess that was a good thing. Not that I didn't think about it when things got too overwhelming, since that's the kind of person I am, but I guess I just had something better to lean on, even when everything else is chaos. That was a good sign, right?

Jamia, Alicia, and I all walked out the doors of the classroom and down the hall towards Christa's locker.

"We are going to have _so _much fun!" Alicia was gushing to Jamia, who always seemed amused by Alicia's easy personality. "We're going to do girly stuff. And you're probably not into all that. But don't worry, Roslyn isn't either. So you two can be cynical together. But trust me, it'll be lots of fun, gossiping and eating junk food and doing each other's hair and nails and makeup. I promise!"

"Okay," Jamia giggled. "I've never done one of the girly sleepovers before. I was too shy to talk to any of those kind of girls."

Alicia linked her arm with Jamia's. "Well, now you have us! We're not that bad of a bunch, are we?"

Jamia shook her head. "No, you guys are really nice. Nicer than I expected you to be to someone like me."

Alicia rolled her eyes. "God, you sound just like Roslyn! Both of you are always talking down on yourselves! You both are wonderful, amazing people whom I love dearly, and you're not allowed to argue about that. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Hey!" Christa said as we got closer to her locker. "So, I was thinking of ordering pizza tonight, if that's okay with you guys?"

"That's fine with me. You know I like pizza," I told her.

"Same here," Alicia informed her.

"Cool. Are you okay with pizza, Jamia?" Christa asked.

"Yeah. Pizza's fine."

"Okay. Good. Oh, listen, Ray's brother is in town and let him borrow the car, so we don't have to walk home today. He can take us."

We started to walk towards the parking lot of the school.

"Oh, thank God!" Alicia gushed. "It's so freaking _cold _outside1 I almost got frostbite walking to my dad's car for school this morning. It's brutal."

"That's December weather in Jersey for you," I told her.

"Shh. This is your first year here. What do you know about Jersey winters, Miss I'm-from-Miami?"

I narrowed my eyes at Alicia. "Hey, I read!"

She stuck her tongue out at me and I mirrored her actions.

"Um, who's Ray?" Jamia asked.

"Oh, he's my boyfriend," Christa told her. "He's not going to be with us the whole night. He just doesn't want four pretty girls walking alone in Jersey after they found that body at the park. His words, not mine."

I laughed. "Ray's really nice. Just don't touch his hair."

"Why would I want to touch his hair?" Jamia asked confused.

Alicia, Christa and I laughed at that. "You'll see," I told her.

Ray's station wagon was parked in the spot Frank's Trans Am was usually parked. I guess he wasn't here today…

"Hi!" Christa said sunnily as she sat in the passenger's seat, giving Ray a quick kiss on the lips as she did so.

The remaining three of us sat in the back as Ray revved up the engine and started to back out of the parking lot.

"Who's the new girl?" he asked as he drove.

"That's Jamia," Christa told him.

"Hey, Jamia. I'm Ray. Nice to meet you," he said, looking at her in his rearview mirror.

Jamia's jaw was open, staring at Ray. "Dude, you have some really cool hair!" she blurted out.

Ray laughed. "Thanks. Look at it all you want, but please don't touch. I hate it when people touch my hair. Roslyn knows from experience."

I laughed sarcastically. "Yeah, thanks for reminding me. My neck was bruised for like three days afterwards."

"You asked for it."

"What happened?" Jamia asked.

"We were playing truth or dare one night and I got dared to touch his hair so he dared these other two guys to bite my neck."

"Sounds like you guys have interesting nights?"

"Yeah, when you get all of us girls together with the guys, people tend to get scared of us."

"The guys?"

Alicia piped in. "Yeah, we'll tell you about them later tonight."

There was mostly silence in the car for the rest of the car ride to Christa's house. When Ray pulled into her driveway, we all thanked him for the ride, and made us promise not to talk trash about him. He was joking, of course, since there isn't anything bad to say about him. Ever.

We dropped our stuff on Christa's floor and all sat on her bed. I took my phone out of my bag and checked for messages. There was one from Gerard, telling me to have a good time and that he already missed me. I smiled and texted him back that I would, and missed him too.

As soon as the text sent, Alicia snatched my phone from me. "Hey!" I protested.

She stared at the screen. "No texting Gerard unless it's an emergency. It's girls night. No talking _to _guys, just about them."

"Fine. I was just telling him to have fun with Mikey."

She pouted. "Why did you have to mention his name? Now I miss him! God, Roslyn!"

I laughed. "Sorry."

"I think we need to fill Jamia in on everything," Christa chimed in.

"Good idea! Let's do it while I do everyone's makeup and we take those cheesy photos we can put on Facebook."

She got up to dig through her backpack for all the makeup she'd brought with her.

"I think filling me in would be nice. Who are Mikey and Gerard?" Jamia asked.

"They're brother," Alicia said.

"And they also happen to be Alicia and my boyfriends."

"Oh. Wow. You guys all have boyfriends, and I'm totally single."

"You make it sound like being single is bad," I said.

Jamia squirmed a little. "It just gets lonely."

"Yeah, but you don't have all the added drama relationships bring along with them."

"Roslyn is the queen of drama in relationships," Alicia told her.

"Thanks, Alicia! I seem to remember someone had some drama in their relationship recently, too."

"Can we not ever speak of that embarrassing moment ever again?"

"But it happened."

"No it didn't. Mikey and I are still counting the time we were broken up and being together."

"How long have all you guys been together?" Jamia asked us.

"Ray and I have been together since sophomore year," Christa told her.

"Wow. That's a really long time!"

"Yeah, but I'm glad it's lasted this long. I hope it doesn't end."

"It won't Christa," I told her. "You and Ray are going to be this annoyingly cute couple that are going to get married right out of college, maybe have one kid, and stay happily together forever."

She smiled at me. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

Alicia cleared her throat. "Well, Mikey and I started dating in June when he finally got the courage to ask me out. Our six month anniversary is so soon!"

"Yes. I've heard all about his plans," I said with an eye roll.

Alicia gasped audibly. "Really? What are we doing?"

"Wow, Alicia, I was kidding."

Her face fell. "Oh." She shrugged. "I guess I'll know soon enough, anyway."

"Do you think you and Mikey are going to last through high school?" Jamia asked her.

Alicia looked sad. "Of course we will. Probably not after high school, though. I want to travel, and I don't think Mikey wants to be far from home. So I'll probably end up being a cat lady."

"Oh, you will not!" I argued. "I think you'll make it work with someone after you're done traveling around the world."

She kind of smiled at me. "Yeah. I just hope that someone is Mikey. I want to be with him, but I'm not the kind of girl that stops all of her life goals just to be with a guy, no matter how special he is."

There was silence in the room for a while. "Well, you're still a sophomore. You've got time, Alicia."

She nodded.

"What about you and Gerard, Roslyn?" Jamia asked me.

"Oh, she and Gerard are going to be together forever!" Alicia said. "They are so disgustingly in love with each other. It's gross."

I grinned at that. "We're not disgustingly in love with each other! It's just we have a lot of lost time to make up for, okay?"

"What do you mean?" inquired Jamia.

"Oh, boy," groaned Christa. "I'm gonna save listening to this story one more time and go order the pizza now."

She left the room, her cell phone in hand.

"Uh, Gerard and I have only been dating for about a week now. But we've had major feelings for each other since the beginning of this school year."

"What stopped you two from dating earlier?"

"Honestly? There was another guy that I was trying to sort out my feelings for, and I ended up dating him instead. We were together for a couple of months…but things didn't really work out that well once I realized I was in love with Gerard."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Ah, it's okay. I'm with Gerard now, _finally_, and things are getting better."

Christa came back. "Is the story all done?"

"Yep, all finished. I left out the gory details," I told her.

"Oh, Jamia, I forgot to ask what kind of pizza you like. I got a cheese one since Roslyn is a vegetarian and Alicia doesn't like vegetables on her pizza. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I'm actually a vegetarian, too."

"Really? I'm so glad to actually meet another one in Jersey!"

We both smiled at each other. I had a feeling we were going to be kind of close these next few months. And hopefully we would stay in touch if I go off somewhere far for college. I was still hoping to get an audition for Juilliard, but who knew if the video I sent was even good enough for them. I guess I'd just have to wait and see.

"So, which one of you is going to let me do their makeup first? And can we listen to some music or something?"

"You can do me first, I guess. It wouldn't be the first time you've done my makeup before," I mumbled.

"Yay!" She took out her ipod and plugged it into Christa's dock. _Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) _by Eurythmics came on and we all started singing along as Alicia started to do my makeup.

"So, Jamia, what do you like to do for fun?" Christa asked her.

"Oh, I don't know, normal stuff, I guess."

"Like what?"

"Like…I don't know, listening to old records, taking photos, watching those late night talk shows, reading."

"Really?" I said, somewhat fascinated. "What kind of records?"

"Uh, just like, stuff. Led Zeppelin, Metallica, AC/DC, The Cure, Def Leppard, Misfits, Joy Divison, Morissey…"

"Nice. You've got good taste in music."

"Thanks," Jamia mumbled, blushing.

"What kind of photos do you take?" asked Alicia.

"Uh, mostly nature. I had this huge thing for Ansel Adams photography when I was younger and I bought a bunch of books with his photos, and I used to like recreating them with the nature around my house. It just kind of stuck."

"I think that's really cool! I can't take a good picture to save my life! Most of mine are just blurry and ugly."

"I can teach you, if you want."

"Sure!" Alicia said brightly. The she continued putting mascara on me.

"What kind of books do you read?" Christa asked.

"Mostly biographies. Or classics. With the exception of the Harry Potter novels. I love those."

I made a face. Ugh. She and Frank would probably get along, with their passions. They listen to the same kind of music, like Harry Potter, take photos…

I don't know why I was thinking about Frank right now. I guess I still missed his friendship. And I sort of have to explain things to Jamia, which brought back the unhappiness about him hating me that I'd been pushing down all week. Or trying to, at least.

Ugh. I couldn't me unhappy right now. It was girl's night. And I was trying to get to know Jamia more, and not think about my situation with Frank or any guys for that freaking matter.

I wish Alicia hadn't stolen my phone from me. I really needed to send a text to Gerard. He would reassure me that everything was okay.

"There," Alicia said, putting the finishing touches to my face. She pulled out her handheld mirror and let me look.

I tried to smile at her, but my mood was slipping. I hope she wasn't noticing. "You should do cosmetology, Lish. I bet you'd be really good at it."

"Of course I would! I'm awesome."

Just then Christa's doorbell rang. "Oh, that's probably the pizza. Do you guys want to watch a movie while we eat it?"

"Sure," Alicia and Jamia said at the same time.

Alicia grabbed her ipod from the docking station and followed Christa and Jamia out her bedroom door. I lingered behind, calling out, "I'm gonna use the bathroom!"

"Okay," they said back, and didn't bother to check on me.

I went searching through Alicia's things for my phone and found it in her makeup bag. I unlocked my phone and looked for any messages, but I didn't have any.

'I'm starting to regret tonight. I keep thinking about things that are bringing my mood down' I texted to Gerard. I put the phone in my pocket, felt in my other pocket for the razor blade no one knew I had, took a deep breath, and exited Christa's bedroom.

I grabbed a plate from the counter and put a piece of pizza on it, then sat on the floor next to the three of them. I ate a couple bites of my pizza while they argued over what movie to watch. They finally settled on _Edward Scissorhands_ and started to talk about some gossipy thing while Christa put the DVD in and they ate their pizza.

"So," Alicia started, "I know you're pretty new here, but you've got to have a crush on someone at our school, right?"

Jamia turned red. "Well, it's not a crush."

"Yessss, it is! Who is it? I bet I totally know them."

"It's really not a crush! I've never even talked to him before. I've just seen him in a couple of my classes, and he looks really cute and energetic and cool and stuff. But I've never talked to him, and I'm not going to. So it's really not a crush. Just…an admiration."

"Uh huh," Alicia said unconvinced. "Well if you tell me who it is, I can introduce you two. And then you'll live happily ever after."

"No we aren't. There's only one semester left of school, and then I'm going to go off to college. Nothing can be happily ever after this late in the game."

Alicia sighed heavily. "_Fine_. Can I at least introduce you so you guys can be friends?"

"You might not know him. He's not one of the popular people."

Alicia snorted. "After becoming friends with Mikey, I'm friends with _all_ sorts of people. I'm sure I know them. Come on, I won't tell anyone you like him. I just wanna know who he is! Pleaseeeee?" she begged, sticking out her lower lip.

Jamia caved. "Okay. But don't laugh. It's this guy…his name's Frank."

My head shot up to look at her. Frank who?

"He's really short. And he's kind of got a lot of tattoos for someone still in high school. And he's got piercings and he seems kind of moody sometimes. But when he's not, he's really funny. And he seems to care about a lot, and I don't know. He seems really genuine."

I looked down at the pizza in my lap. The smell of it was making me sick. I pushed it away from me quickly, and I could feel eyes on me. Just staring.

I ignored them and pulled out my phone. There was a text from Gerard I hadn't felt come in. 'What kind of thoughts?'

I texted him back saying, 'Just stuff about Frank. Stupid, I know.'

"Who are you texting? And when did you take your phone from me?" Alicia asked.

"I'm texting Gerard. Is that a problem?"

"Yes," Alicia said bluntly.

"Alicia," Christa said quietly.

"What? It's girl's night."

"And you know she's dealing with things right now."

Alicia sighed. "Sorry."

Gerard texted me back. 'Not stupid. I get it. It hurts. All of this is up to him, and the best we can do it get through it together. I love you.'

I smiled, and send an I love you text right back to him.

I cleared my throat and put my phone back in my pocket. "Sorry. I just had to talk to him."

"About Frank?" Christa asked.

"Wait, what?" Jamia chimed in.

"Uh, yeah, remember that guy I said I was dating before Gerard? That was Frank…"

Jamia's mouth hung open. "Oh. God. Sorry. I didn't know. I won't like, ever speak to him or anything!"

I laughed. "Jamia, it's okay. Things ended badly between Frank and I when he found out how I felt about Gerard. He and Gerard were best friends, so naturally Frank kind of hates both of us right now. I don't care that you like him. In fact, I think it's cute, since you guys would definitely get along. I just wish I had some kind of friendship with him again."

She chewed on her lip. "I'm sorry, Roslyn. You were nice to me when no one else will. I really won't ever talk to him. I wasn't going to anyway."

"No, go talk to him the next time you get a chance to. Cheer him up or something. You guys really would get along. I don't know if being friends with me will make him like you, but I really think you should talk to him."

"Well, I'm not abandoning you, just so you know. I actually like you."

I smiled at her. "Thanks. Are any of us actually going to watch this movie, or are we going to do something more fun with our night?"

We all stared at each other for a second. "More fun," we all decided.

"I still say I should do everyone's makeup and stuff. And then Jamia can use those camera skills of hers to take photo shoot pictures with us!" Alicia exclaimed.

We groaned. We were in for a very long night.


	27. Author's Note

**Sorry to anyone who has been following this story.**

**I cant't even find it within me to write this story right now. Not just because I have a writer's block-I would push through that if I could-but because of the personal nature of everything going on in my life. I can't focus on writing this story, on the life of Roslyn and the boys of MCR, when I'm confused about things and when I'm stressed and have so much on my plate to deal with. I just can't. Writing this used to be my escape, because I express myself through Roslyn. It's my way of telling everyone who I am through a single character, albeit with some dramatization for story purposes. But now it's not an escape, it's a cage, where it's forcing me to deal with myself, and deal with things I just can't handle right now. The sad truth, but the truth, none the less. The last couple of chapters I typed up were completely shit, don't even deny it. And anything I try to write nowadays is because I don't have my full head in the game.**

**I have to take a personal break from this story. I'm not sure how long that will take. I will come back and finish this story as soon as I am in the right mindset for it. I want to make it the personal best I can, and I can't do that when I'm so unsure about absolutely everything.**

**Feel free to hate me if you want. I do.**

**xo,**

**Hailee**


	28. Chapter 27

**New chapter! It's unedited, so excuse my mistakes. I should be studying for bio right now, but instead finished what I'd already started of this chapter. Blame my Creative Writing class. I already wrote ahead maybe two chapters because the idea wouldn't leave my mind, so I don't know exactly when the next chapter will be out. It's a touch and go basis with this novel. But we'll get there.**

**xo,**

**Hailee**

Chapter 27:

I was in a bit of a bad mood the rest of the night, but I tried my best to put the bad feelings into the back of my mind and focus on the fun things we were doing at Christa's. And for the most part, it was working. I knew Gerard was a text away, and I had these three amazing girls here with me, while we dressed up and wore lots of makeup and took stupid pictures just because we could. We put Panic at the Disco on really loudly and jumped around Christa's living room screaming the lyrics to each other. We were daring each other to eat weird concoctions of food, and laughing our asses off at pretty much nothing. It was becoming a good night, which surprised me.

I couldn't believe all the shit that been happening with me again. It was always something new. A couple years ago, after particularly bad nights with Tyler, I would curl up on the linoleum floor in my bathroom, bruised knees to my chest, wishing that everything could go back to normal. I just wanted that carefree, normal, perfect life again. And I was upset when my perfect ending never happened.

I'd been pretty childish lately. But now I was realizing something. Life is never going to be perfect. Perfect doesn't really exist; it's all an illusion, a mind-set. There's going to be good times and really really bad times. Since moving to Jersey, I've laughed and cried and been so unspeakably happy and content with my best friends, even in the midst of death and break ups, pregnancy scares and awful fights. We've stuck together, and knowing they have my back, knowing they're there, knowing I can turn to them when my day is completely shit, gave me a sense of huge comfort. They're the comical relief in a tragedy story, the beautiful rainbow after a really bad thunderstorm. They made me happy, they made me remember that good things still existed amongst all the horrible things that happen to everyone. Life isn't going to be all sunshine, but there's always going to be a ray of light waiting at the end of the dark tunnel.

"No, but seriously. If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be, dead or alive?" Jamia asked us all, once things had settled down and we were having a serious question rally.

"I'd love to be Supergirl," Alicia announced. "She's a cool superhero, and she has an awesome cat."

"I don't know," Christa sighed. "Maybe Audrey Hepburn or Natalie Wood or Marilyn Monroe. Or any other iconic woman."

I had to think for a second who I would want to be. There are so many amazing people in the world…artists, writers, philosophers, actors…so many great thinkers and talented lives led. There are so many amazing human beings that helped shaped the world to who it was today. And me? I was inspired by a whole lot of them.

I finally just shrugged. "I don't know. I need a little more time to think. What about you, Jamia? Who would you be?"

"I'd want to be the wife of someone famous. You know, not famous myself, nothing special to the world. But deep down I'd know I was the inspiration and muse for the famous person. I get to be the one they go home to at night. That would be pretty cool."

"I like that," I told her.

She grinned at me, and I knew things were going to be okay between us. Things were going to work out. I wasn't going to murder her for talking to Frank like she was convinced of earlier, and she wasn't going to intentionally throw it in my face if anything ever did happen between them, which made me respect her so much more.

"I wanna know how far you've all gone and with who," Alicia said.

I snorted. "Haven't we already gone over this about a million times before?"

Alicia huffed air out and stared at me. "No. And just for that, you're going first."

"Fine. I'm not a virgin, if that's what you're asking."

"I think Alicia's trying to ask if you fucked Frank," Christa said softly.

Alicia snickered, nodding her head in confirmation. Jamia looked a little uncomfortable, but kind of like she was interested, too.

Ah, what the hell. They're my best friend. Not like they've judged me yet. And it's not like they're all virgins, anyway.

"Well, if you must know, I lost my virginity to Tyler. I'm sure you all knew that."

"Duh," Alicia said, rolling her eyes.

"Who's Tyler?" Jamia asked.

"This guy back in Florida that Roslyn was seeing for like, a really long time. And he screwed her up," Alicia explained. "And now, back to the Frank question. Did you or did you not?"

"Why do you care so much?" I asked.

"Because you guys were all over each other all the time and we all have bets about whether you did or didn't, and I personally don't want to lose."

I arched an eyebrow. "Foreplay only," I told them. "Didn't actually get to the sex part."

Alicia looked smug as she grinned at Christa. "And Gerard?" she pressed.

"Um, we just started dating," I said.

"So?" she scoffed.

I tried not to blush, but I could feel my face flushing with heat, a bit embarrassed at the fact Gerard and I had already consummated our love. But…everything was different between he and I, and things were more intense and passionate and real, and…damn. Gerard was seriously the death of me. I couldn't believe how much I felt for him.

"Oh, my god, Roslyn! I didn't think you guys really did it already!"

I bit my lip. "It's _Gerard_ and I. And it just sort of happened."

"OHMIGOD TELL ME EVERYTHING!"

"No, please don't!" Christa said, glaring at Alicia.

"Oh, I didn't mean it _that _way! I don't want all the details of you sex life! I just wanna know the lead up, and how you guys got together. We can never talk about it because of the elephant in the room."

I snorted. Elephant. That was funny, considering the "elephant" in the room was always Frank, and he was more like a Hobbit than an elephant. He was so short and tiny.

I thought back to that Sunday night. It was so clear, and so personal, and so meaningful to me. Gerard and I had always had this connection, but that night…it was like everything aligned right for us. Maybe it was written in the stars or something. Maybe we both had just finally realised everything that had been bouncing around in our skulls since meeting each other. Maybe I had just been sick of being the girl I was, and wanted to let in the one person I knew could fix me.

"Abridged or full version?" I asked them.

"Full," all three of them said in unison.

I nodded, getting my thoughts together. "I was all upset over some stuff that had happened earlier that day, and I was just lying in his bed watching _Titanic_, and he knew something was wrong with me, and he wouldn't let it go. And, well, we told each other our secrets."

Alicia's jaw fell. "You mean…like, _the _secrets? The one the boys won't tell anyone and the one you haven't said a word about because that's all you and Frank fought about?"

I nodded. "Those would be the ones. And no, Alicia, I won't tell you; I swore myself to secrecy. Just wait until Mikey wants to tell you. But yes, we opened up completely towards each other about everything. And I guess we both just realised that there was nothing standing between us anymore; we were both freed from everything and perfectly in sync with each other, and everything felt so right, and…yeah."

Damn. Now I missed Gerard even more, because not I couldn't nestle my head on his shoulder and smell the strong bleach smell of his freshly dyed hair. I couldn't feel his protective arm around my waist, his thumb making small circles on my hip and making me feel comforted. I missed hearing his ridiculously adorable voice and all the stupidly adorable things he talked about, and how if I wanted to I could just cut him off midsentence with a kiss and then I would just sit there with him, totally wrapped up with him, and things were just going to be okay, because we were together. My friends were great, but god, I missed Gerard.

"Awww, you're so cute when you talk about him," Jamia said to me. "You're grin is mad huge and you're blushing. That's what love should be like. You all sound that way when you talk about your boyfriends."

"Well, if I have a say in anything, you'll be acting that way soon too with Frankie. I don't know why I didn't see it before. He's totally the person to bring you out of your shell. You guys would be really cute together," Alicia said.

I nodded in agreement. "Which is why I totally have no problem with you two getting together. I want you both to be happy, and you guys seem like you'd be happy together. But stop changing the subject, Alicia. It's all back to you and since you weren't very nice to me, it's time for you to dish."

"You guys already know about Mikey and I. And the pregnancy scare that broke us up."

"Wait, I didn't know that!" Christa protested. "Alicia, why didn't you tell me? Oh, sweetie."

Alicia shrugged. "I went to Roslyn. She said something once about being in that position before…and I don't know, I thought maybe she would be the best person to help me out in my situation."

"You must have been scared to death!"

"Oh, you should have seen me. I was a wreck. I think Frank was scared since he's never seen me in a bad mood."

I remembered back to that, how cool he was playing soothing music he knew would calm her down and not asking any questions, just acting first. I wondered why that had changed with him, and why he had felt the need to pry so much into a life of mine that didn't exist anymore. What happened was important, but at that point talking about it would have just brought everything back up and make everything worse. If he just would have waited instead of pushing and pushing and turning into something that he wasn't…well, I guess then I wouldn't have Gerard.

"So you and Mikey happened this year?"

Alicia shook her head. "Um, the pregnancy scare was this year, but we actually slept together for the first time over the summer…"

Oh, that's right! I remembered back to the sleepover in the haunted house where we got Mikey to confess he wasn't a virgin, and Ray and Frank exploded on him and Mikey got all red and Gerard got a complex because his little brother had gotten more action than him. God, things changed pretty quickly around here. I hated to think I was the root of all of this.

"Alicia, why didn't you tell me? We hung out all the time over summer."

"I know. But you didn't tell me when you and Ray finally did it."

"That's because we haven't."

I looked at her in surprise. Not that it was weird they hadn't done it yet…but her and Ray were already like a married couple. I guess I just figured they had already acted on their love for each other. "Really?" I asked. "Not to pry…but why not? You two are totally going to be together forever."

She just smirked at me, with this dreamy look in her eye that meant she was totally head over heels in love with Ray, and that really wasn't ever going to change. She's lucky to have ended up with someone like him, too. He was the biggest sweetheart I'd ever met, and one of the greatest listeners and best friends I'd ever had. I really hoped I was friends with them ten years down the line.

"That's why we haven't," she said. "Why rush a beautiful thing when you have forever? Ray and I both agreed not to rush anything. We both feel like things aren't going to end for us any time soon, so there's no need to hurry into something that's so wonderful and such a huge deal, you know? We have the rest of our lives to look forward to that."

"That's so romantic," Jamia murmured, and Alicia hummed in agreement.

I used to think that way, too, a long time ago, back when I still believed in faerytales.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who's a virgin," Jamia continues. "That makes me feel a lot better about myself."

"Being a virgin isn't a bad thing," I told her.

She blushed. "Well…I know. But I feel like everyone around me isn't, and people at my old school called me a stuck up prude because I didn't put out all the time. I guess I got self-conscious and felt a little stupid that I wasn't the only one out there doing it."

"Now you know you're not the only one. And really, not having sex isn't something to be ashamed of, or whatever. Probably most of the people out there were jealous and mad at themselves that they didn't wait."

"Would you have waited, if you could have? I mean, if you could go back, would you not have slept with Tyler that one time? Or you, Alicia? Would you and Mikey have waited if you had known you'd have a pregnancy scare?"

I didn't want to think about that first time with Tyler. Because, yes, I would have waited. That first time, I'd had my choice of waiting stolen from me. He took everything I had and gave it away. I probably would have waited a long time if I hadn't had been raped by him. Like I said, I used to believe in faerytales, and sharing something special with someone, and not just giving it away to anyone. If Tyler had never entered the picture…I don't know, I might not be waiting until marriage like Christa, but I definitely probably would still have been a virgin at least until college.

"Yeah, I definitely would have waited," I told her.

"I wouldn't," Alicia said to us. "I think it happened exactly at the right time, and with the right person, whether Mikey and I last forever or not. I would take the pregnancy scare and all just to have been with him, because it felt really right. It still does." She hugged her knees and smiled at us.

We were all silent for a few minutes, pondering things that had happened, and imagining an alternate universe where we went back in time and changed the course of our history. If I hadn't been with Tyler, I imagined things definitely wouldn't have been like they are now. I would have kept the friends that I'd had, been popular and happy and everything I'm not, and I'd probably have spent a lot more time with my dad while he was dying. Then I'd have thrown a bitch fit at my mom for moving us here my senior year, and I would probably be dating one of those meathead jocks that bullied Jamia the other day.

The thought of that life made me shudder. What kind of pathetic existence would that be if I looked at my best friends now and scorned in disgust at their presence? I do like my life now, messed up as it is. I just wish that things that fateful night had gone a little differently, is all. The rest…well, I could deal with. I just wasn't over his abuse.

"I think we've had enough introspection for tonight," I said.

"Yeah…" Alicia murmured, and checked the clock on her phone. "It's only two in the morning. What are we gonna do with the rest of our time?"

"Embarrassing stories?" Jamia offered.

"Oh, like the time Roslyn got drunk and gave Frank a lap dance?"

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Or the time where Alicia asked me to teach her how to play _Call of Duty_ and she epically failed on how to play twenty times in a row?"

"Or where Roslyn tripped in the middle of Hot Topic and took down a whole rack of records?"

"Oh! Remember that time where Alicia decided that making toast while she was taking a bath was a good idea?"

"Remember that time when Roslyn was a cheerleader?"

I flipped her off, and she giggled.

"I think we should tell ghost stories instead. There are too many things you guys can make fun of me for."

Alicia groaned. "You only want to tell ghost stories because you're obsessed with _Supernatural_ and demons and all of that stuff. You have a Ouija board in your closet."

"What wrong with my Ouija board?" I frowned.

"Oh nothing…besides the fact you could conjure up a bloodthirsty ghost intent on killing all of us and sucking out our souls."

"Ghost don't suck out souls, idiot."

"Whatever!"

Jamia and Christa shared a bemused look behind our backs. "Are we sure they weren't siblings in another life?" Jamia whispered.

"I'm not disputing that theory," Christa whispered back.

"We can hear you," I said loudly.

They just laughed.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I checked it real quick to see what it was. There was a voicemail on my phone from Gerard. I grinned, probably as wide as I could, and dialled my voicemail to hear what he had to say.

"Hey, babe! Just checking in to make sure things are going okay with you."

"And because I forced you to see how Alicia was!" I heard Mikey faintly in the background.

There was a thud and an "Ow", and Gerard chuckled. I laughed too, imagining Gerard hitting his little brother in the head or something for being an idiot.

"And my little brother is insanely jealous of you for spending all this time with his girlfriend. I've spent all night with the dude and he's starting to get on his nerves. But we're about to start the next Star Wars movie, and I know you're more of a Star Trek fan, so I'm watching it with someone that actually appreciates it. Of course, I'll probably be sitting here the whole time and missing your comments about how lame the movie is and laughing at everything and your sceptical voice yelling at the tv. Damn. I guess I just missed you and wanted to say hi and let you know I was thinking of you."

"Quit being a pansy and start the film!" Mikey shouted.

Gerard chuckled again. "Okay. Well Mikey's bitching at me, so I gotta go. But I love you, okay? Can't wait to see you tomorrow."

The voicemail clicked off and I bit my lip and sighed. My boyfriend was totally adorable.

"Everything okay?" Christa asked.

"Yeah. It was just Gerard checking in. He and Mikey are watching Star Wars."

Alicia shook her head. "I'll never understand the love for that movie?"

"What's there not to love?! It's so totally epic!" Jamia gushed.

We both looked at her and groaned. "Yep, she and Frank are perfect for each other," I commented.

"I totally called it," Alicia spat back.

"Whatever you say."

Jamia sighed. "Guys, can you not talk about my love life as if I actually have one with him? We haven't even spoken yet!"

"Oh, but you will, and it'll be magic, like in the movies. A match made in geek heaven. Not that you're a geek, but he totally is."

"No, he's too hot to be a geek," I counteracted.

Alicia stuck her tongue out at me and I stuck mine back out at her.

Christa shook her head. "I totally love you guys, you know that?"

"Yeah, we're pretty awesome, aren't me?"

"Best friends forever!" Alicia piped in.

"You really think so?" Jamia asked quietly.

"Yeah. I have a good feeling about the four of us."

"Me too," I murmured.

_Me too._


End file.
